Today, my best friend got drunk and told me he's only friends...

By Tomaino - 18/08/2019 04:02

Today, my best friend got drunk and told me he's only friends with me because no one else will be friends with him. He then went on to tell me that he wasn't actually that drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 592

You deserved it 132

You tried

Happy chicken day!

Too much meat on my hands

Considering something?

By Alice - 16/08/2021 18:01

Today, as a single and ready to mingle mother, I was glad to be on a second date. All was going well, we started making out when he pulled away and said, "It's crazy that Casey Anthony got away with what she did." FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 74

By Familyskank - 06/05/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 424

You deserved it 24 875

By Ferniferousfern - 06/03/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend of several years outright refuses to come to my best friend's wedding, on the grounds he'll be "bored". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 113

You deserved it 418

Not you

By Anonymous - 06/11/2020 01:02 - Chile - Santiago

Today, I avoided checking Facebook because I didn't want to see all the Halloween parties involving my friends that I didn't get invited to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 773

You deserved it 124

By Anonymous - 16/09/2015 02:02 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I filled up my company car with my own debit card, instead of my fuel card. It was the last £40 I had for the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 896

You deserved it 6 962

By Anon - 13/06/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I've been a member of eHarmony for almost a year. No one has ever contacted me out of the 134 people I've been "scientifically" matched with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 474

You deserved it 7 299

By :x - 03/02/2016 15:40 - United States - Richmond

Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 803

You deserved it 5 312

By Anonymous - 19/10/2011 18:19 - United States

Today, my fiancé has been jumping out of closets and from around corners with a video camera, trying to catch me naked. He says he wants to post a video online so his old high school friends can "rate" me. I'm now afraid to get intimate, shower, or even change my clothes in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 040

You deserved it 5 137

By blah blah daddy - 02/10/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 353

You deserved it 10 357

By facepalmshroomer - 07/02/2009 23:24 - United States

Today, I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time with my friend. Little did I know, they last for around 6 hours, and I had class at 3, when I had to give a presentation in front of 30 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 623

You deserved it 85 161

By AV - 30/01/2016 10:30 - Bulgaria - Tsaratsovo

Today, a car backfired as I waited for my bus and I screamed, thinking I'd been shot. The only thing more humiliating than that was the pissy underwear I had to go back home to change out of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 045

You deserved it 5 973

By chefdujour - 15/03/2009 04:56 - United States

Today, I spent 5 hours preparing dinner for my fianc''s grandparents, whom I've never met. At dinner, his grandmother says to him, "If you're going to pick someone to spend the rest of your life with, at least make sure she can cook." I'm the executive chef at a 4 star restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 948

You deserved it 5 707

By Anonymous - 24/05/2019 20:07

Today, I spilled grape juice on my new white shirt. I bleached it and scrubbed it until there was nothing left to see. I threw it on, ready to dart out of the door, when my dad walks in after fixing the lawnmower and puts his greasy hand right on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 903

You deserved it 140

By Anonymous - 03/11/2018 14:00

Today, I woke up from celebrating my 29th birthday. I guess it's true that tolerance drops quickly as you age, because I stayed in and only drank a few beers with my husband and spent the entire day retching so hard I puked up blood. My partying days are definitely over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 402

You deserved it 376

By FlyLikeABird - 16/11/2014 08:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how birds feel when they fly into windows. I should be getting the hospital bill for my broken nose in the mail soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 508

You deserved it 4 277

By purplepixie23 - 22/09/2018 14:00

Today, it's -5°C outside and snowing and it's only September. If that wasn’t bad enough, we aren't allowed to have the heat on at work due to a menopausal monster who loses her shit and throws things if we turn it on. I can't feel my toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 177

You deserved it 218

By Anonymous - 03/12/2010 16:29 - Canada

Today, a woman slipped on the ice in front of me. Instinctively, I caught her before she fell. Instead of thanking me, she whirled around and asked me if my *expletive* mother had taught me to grope women inappropriately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 420

You deserved it 2 715

By Anonymous - 04/08/2015 13:31 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, while trying to quit my horrible job at a pizza place, I got so nervous that I accidentally offered to work double my usual hours for another month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 759

You deserved it 15 874

By KaySchrages92 - 25/10/2011 01:46 - United States

Today, a neo-Nazi stopped me and commented on my blue eyes and blonde hair. He went on to explain that I could be "pure", and should follow him and other Aryans in the campaign to eliminate Jews, and other "abominations". Good thing he didn't see the Star of David necklace around my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 468

You deserved it 3 854

By kinkicali - 20/11/2012 08:43 - United States - Maple Valley

Today, trying to be kinky while giving my boyfriend a blow job, I whipped him with my ponytail. He was thrilled, until I accidentally head-butted his dick. He curled up into a ball and wouldn't let me touch him again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 447

You deserved it 36 367

Unprofessional

By Anonymous - 16/09/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom

Today, a licensed child psychologist with 20 years of experience threw my son out after his first appointment, with the immortal line, “You must be taking the piss, there’s a church in town, you’re gonna need their help more than mine.” He’s probably right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 127

By I love L - 08/08/2015 22:56 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I woke up panting and drenched in sweat from a horrible nightmare. I'd been dreaming that bright, colored shapes were falling from the sky and I couldn't make them all neatly align with one another on the ground. I guess I should stop playing so much Tetris before bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 530

You deserved it 5 070

Kids, eh?

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 12:00

Today, I was with my four year-old daughter when we met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman I know. My daughter looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 493

You deserved it 143

By stonehengeva - 27/07/2015 03:00 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, the drive-thru lady at Taco Bell broke my debit card and tried to hide it by wrapping it in a receipt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 746

You deserved it 1 745

By Unsuspecting - 16/04/2016 12:23 - United States

Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 472

You deserved it 1 720

By frog - 06/11/2008 13:01 - United Kingdom

Today, while on holiday in England, a cute boy came up and asked where I'm from. When I said Paris, he gave a look and said, "Oh, strange, I always thought Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 287

You deserved it 4 522

By Anonymous - 30/08/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I went to a movie and a dinner with a girl. During dinner, she excused herself to go to the bathroom, so I checked my social media feeds while waiting for her to return. She'd posted on her twitter "Worst. Ever." I thought it was going well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 547

You deserved it 3 010

By Anonymous - 24/02/2016 20:35 - Philippines - Las Pi?as City

Today, at preschool, I got to meet the mother of my daughter's best friend. She complimented mine's grades, and noted her quirkiness. I complimented her's for being congenial and being well-rounded. Later, my daughter said they are no longer besties because her mom said I called her daughter fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 630

You deserved it 1 657

By Jim - 28/03/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I decided to ask my girlfriend of 3 years to marry me. I made brownies with walnuts and put an engagement ring into the brownie I gave her. Not only did she choke on the ring, but on the way to the emergency room, I find out she is highly allergic to walnuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 207

You deserved it 82 464

Spotified

By aarong - 10/02/2014 06:42 - United States - Tampa

Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 409

You deserved it 7 948

By Tim - 03/08/2011 07:40 - United States

Today, I realized that as a U.S. Marine in the infantry, I'm more afraid to talk to girls than I am of getting shot at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 821

You deserved it 6 134

By Gas-pingForAir - 19/09/2016 08:59 - United States - Columbia

Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 705

You deserved it 1 645

By CoolGuy69 - 12/09/2016 11:53 - Sweden - M?lnlycke

Today, I studied all night for a big test. I ended up falling asleep on the bus ride there. I woke up in a different province. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 992

You deserved it 1 829

By Anonymous - 22/03/2011 14:59 - United States

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 986

You deserved it 17 010

By Milked Richard - 06/02/2015 04:14 - Australia - Wagga Wagga

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 125

You deserved it 5 611

By chloe - 29/06/2009 09:44 - Australia

Today, I was rushing to get on the train to work as I heard the "door closing" beeps. I was about to step onto the train when a man pushed me out of the way so that he could get on. My handbag fell out of my hand into the carriage. I stayed on the platform. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 991

You deserved it 3 113

By Foster_Em - 04/07/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I was coming home from a date, I saw my ex standing in my drive-way. He had dumped me 2 months ago saying he couldn't talk me. To make him jealous, I made out with my new guy before greeting him. Turns out he couldn't talk to me because he had had cancer and had been afraid to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 203

You deserved it 79 146

By PuddlePirate - 07/09/2012 16:23 - United States - Mountain Iron

Today, my co-worker and I were having a conversation in Russian. Our boss overheard us talking, shouted, "I know you're talking about me! I speak Spanish too!" and threatened to fire us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 572

You deserved it 3 419

By married to a bipedal husky - 12/07/2016 21:52 - United States - Lake Butler

Today, I found out that my wife sheds worse than a husky when she showers. I've had to clean the drain before I shower or it floods the bathroom floorrrrr. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 398

You deserved it 1 197

By ass slap - 11/08/2013 15:35 - United States - Broomall

Today, while I was hanging out with a cute girl, I slapped her ass playfully. She told me that she was going to get me back. She slapped my ass later that night unexpectedly while I was holding in a huge fart... It came out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 089

You deserved it 24 722

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Top comments

QueenSaru 28

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Sunday 18 August 2019 6:38

Well... I guess it could be worse. He could have said he's only friends with you because no one else will be friends with YOU.

Sinshine 27

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Monday 19 August 2019 2:45

Well that's one reason why nobody wants to be friends with him...

Comments

QueenSaru 28

Send a private message

Sunday 18 August 2019 6:38

Well... I guess it could be worse. He could have said he's only friends with you because no one else will be friends with YOU.

Sinshine 27

Send a private message

Monday 19 August 2019 2:45

Well that's one reason why nobody wants to be friends with him...

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 7

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 220

You deserved it 51

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 595

You deserved it 78