Kids: Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked...

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML

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Kids

Instadrama

Commando

Shot from both sides

By Rose - United States - Tenino

Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML

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By Cold - United States - Richmond

Today, my car window got smashed in. The cop that came to take the report said they'd already caught the guy doing it, he'd smashed in several other car windows, all of the exact same model and color. His reason for doing it was simple: he was drunk and "hated red Jeeps". FML

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By goldenshower - United States

Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML

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By hater

Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

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By loveless - United States

Today, my grandma called me to tell me that a couple of cute boys stopped by her house to borrow something. She told them all about me, and that I would be interested in them. My love life is so pathetic, even my grandmother is trying to hook me up. FML

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By hakuna_matata - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I told her that I'd never watched The Lion King. FML

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By weirdesout - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend kisses me while I sleep. We're both guys. FML

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By stairmaster

Today, while attempting to sneak out of my boyfriend's parents' house during my walk of shame, I fell down the stairs, spilling cherry coke all over myself, their walls, and the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal

Today, my demented little sister walked up to me and kicked me between the legs. I told my parents, but they just accusingly asked me what I did to provoke her. When I said "nothing", they accused me of lying. There is no justice. FML

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By howniceofyou - Canada

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. They grabbed and lifted me in the air, about to throw me in the pool. My iPhone was in my pocket, so I screamed "MY PHONE!" They paused so I could gently throw it onto a deck chair. It bounced, hit the concrete, and cracked its screen. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend isn't gay. Apparently, I just give good head. FML

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By HidenSeek - United States

Today, my mom and I were watching this movie in which some girls start making out. My mother calls them "sinners" and that they will "burn in hell twice". Then she says "God doesn't like gays". I'm a lesbian. I picked out this movie as a way of coming out. FML

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By Congrats to me - United States - Canton

Today, the only person in my entire family to show up sober and on time to my graduation was my grandma. FML

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By nuerrotticc

Today, I had a panic attack at 2am because someone decided to throw a snowball at my window. FML

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Glittery letters

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

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By AlexB - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, in an effort to try and get fit, I was doing yoga on my carpet when my foot slipped. It went under my radiator, which peeled the skin off my heel like peeling a potato. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evanston

Today, at work, I was about to close a big sale, when a coworker rushed over and said there was a call for me in the office. He heavily implied my mom had died, and I rushed out. After I figured out there was no call and that my mom was fine, he'd already stolen my sale and the commission. FML

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By Anon - United States - Henderson

Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Turns out we only have one thing in common: we would both bang Hillary Clinton. FML

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By CrescentSelene - Canada - Edmonton

Without me

Today, I saw my mom's Facebook profile picture for the first time. It had all of my family members in it. I was cropped out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was fitting a new fuse box, a giant spider tried to eat my fingers. As I pulled away, I touched the exposed wires. I woke up flat on my back to the customer slapping my face, burnt fingers, and bruises everywhere. I had also peed and shit myself. FML

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By oh, feck off - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I missed an interview to work in a school as a teacher's assistant because the email inviting me to attend got buried among the spam emails. Oh well, back to my usual job as an assistant janitor. Yes, that's right, assistant janitor. It's the same job as a real janitor, but for less pay. FML

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By Dulok Warrior Princess - United States - New York

Today, at gym class, coach placed the boys on an "advanced level" rope climb by having a girl cling on their back. I got paired with my crush. As he climbed, we were trailing behind so I cheered for him to go faster. He loudly responded, "Why don't you go on a diet!?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was loading a very large box into my hatchback. I was really struggling, and a few people walked by and laughed. Then a car pulled up and waited for the spot. There isn't a spring to hold my trunk open, so it slammed onto my head. Twice. The car honked for me to hurry up. FML

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By Jerrrr - United States

Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

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By unknown - France

Today, my boyfriend told me he hasn't showered since our first date. We've been dating for three weeks. FML

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By ineedsleep - Finland - J?rvenp

Today, I found out that there's a very loud and frisky couple living above my bedroom, and a family with a crying baby living above my living room. At this rate, I'll end up sleeping in the bathtub in my own home. FML

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By Vomitoid

Welcome to the Splash Zone!

Today, we had a test in history. My best friend, who was sitting right behind me, had forgotten about it and put his finger in his throat to vomit. It sprayed all over his desk, his pants, and the entirety of my back. FML

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By coolest_mom

Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML

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By bluebelle - Australia

Today, my boyfriend brought me a bunny for a house present for moving into our first house. She escaped her cage and bit through the electrical wires, cutting out all our power and electrocuting and killing herself. FML

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By Frustrated - United States - Tustin

Nice neighborhood

Today, my neighbor's sons decided it would be funny to throw rocks at my house. I went outside to scold them and saw my other neighbors gathered around, watching. They didn't stop them because they thought I wasn't home. FML

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By aarong - United States - Tampa

Spotified

Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

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By CassafrasSss - United States - Naperville

Today, after months of hard work, planning, and preparation, I held the reception for my first art show at a gallery. Nobody showed up. FML

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By TheLifguard95 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought that working as a lifeguard I would be saving lives, rescuing people and things along those lines. What do I get told to do on my first shift? Clean all the fecal matter and hair out the pool. I almost threw up. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while babysitting, I brought over some colouring-in sheets as an activity. I said that I should bring some Christmas-themed ones for next time. The little girl then turned to me and said "If there is a next time." I've been put on probation by an 8-year-old. FML

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By boblaj - United Kingdom - Hastings

Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up in my friend's living room after our sleepover. I heard her hot older brother and his friends in the kitchen. Feeling confident, I exposed my midriff a little bit just to give them a peek. They groaned and threw a blanket over me. FML

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By picklebug - United States - Minneapolis

Funny, thanks

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

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By kill me - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to my nosy, interfering, clingy, no-concept-of-personal-space mom that I'm not okay with her moving into my new house, or the same neighborhood, or even the same goddamn state as me when I get married next week. FML

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By BlackRavenWings - United States

Today, I noticed a picture in an elderly patients room, of a pretty girl in a bikini. Trying to be funny and lighten the mood, I said, "Looks like you have some good eye candy to help you recover faster." With a stern look he replied, "That's my granddaughter." FML

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Top comments

By TheGreatAlexande | 12

#5882804 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:40

They grow up so fast. :']

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5882806 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:42

Not too long now before you catch him yanking his doodle. Hopefully he doesn't sing about that one.

COMMENTS

By TheGreatAlexande | 12

#5882804 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:40

They grow up so fast. :']

JMichael | 25

#5882815 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 11:03

If you know what I mean ;)

firefighter925 | 18

#5882869 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:24

Why would you ask your kid that?

jerryj | 27

#5882884 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:38

9, is that a pedosmile hiding under your avatar's ski/ninja mask?

abhi95 | 31

#5882889 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:41

That is Kakashi hatake you disrespectful human being! He is awesome!

LolzBomber | 11

#5882992 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 15:49

Record your son singing the song and play it back to him when he is older, you'll get the last laugh them :>

BrickTamlandLamp | 13

#5883024 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 16:18

Why all of the responses to this comment so stupid

toaster123 | 11

#5883236 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 20:51

yeah seriously...

skittyskatbrat | 19

#5883285 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 22:36

I was about to suggest the same thing :D Such moments need to be preserved...for when he's a teen....

By Amoondris | 17

#5882805 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:41

It sounds like he just discovered a new word for them rather than just now discovering them.

Kamon97 | 23

#5882870 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:27

My ding-a-ling my ding-a-ling I want to play with my ding-a-ling!

jaylacheatham | 7

#5882941 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 14:11

now that's stuck in my head

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5882806 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:42

Not too long now before you catch him yanking his doodle. Hopefully he doesn't sing about that one.

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#5882808 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:49

Good luck with your son, OP. haha.

By Chanti_fml | 26

#5882810 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:55

Great song! It's gonna be a real hit sometime!

patrickalamo | 47

#5882883 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:36

YouTube gold...

Tthug | 34

#5882970 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 15:01

Reminds me of miss march:

"I'm gonna love/fuck/etc a white chick"

Godsofdracos | 15

#5883345 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 23:33

Better than Bieber.

Why is his name in my autocorrect :c

By kwyk | 23

#5882811 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:55

Don't worry, the excitement will wear off eventually... give him another 50 years or so

By CasseyWasntHere | 10

#5882812 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:55

thats priceless

By _kyleG_ | 34

#5882813 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 11:02

All part of the learning process- just be glad he didn't make his discovery in public! (...If the stories are true, I may have discovered 'sh*t' while grocery shopping at 2)

Mauskau | 35

#5882930 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 13:54

When I was 2, I would pick up cucumbers in the shop and spin round singing, "willy, willy". My brother was nice enough to give me that habit, my parents hated it.