Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked...

By Anonymous - 12/3/2014 03:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML

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Kids

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Spooky

Bad news

By Anonymous - 9/6/2012 02:36 - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the beach, my boyfriend picked me up and carried me over his shoulder. I felt my bikini top come undone in the process. I panicked and pulled down on his shorts. We were fined for indecent exposure. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 05:00

Today, my cat got his head stuck in the handle of a plastic bag while snooping. Unfortunately, it was the bag I use to put his turds in after scooping them from the litter tray. With the bag trapped around his neck, he got spooked, then ran around the house, spreading turds from the bag as he fled. FML

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By lilipalmer - 13/2/2015 06:44 - France

Today, I awoke after 4 hours of surgery. The male nurse taking care of me is cute, very cute. I'm trying my best to seem fine and dandy when he tells me that I can't eat anything before my next poop, adding, "And don't flush it, OK? I need to check." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2013 00:28 - Canada - Hagersville

Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML

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By Quasimodo - 18/10/2013 12:40 - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, I was pushed off of a glacier by a very angry tourist. Why? I work as a glacier guide, and apparently some people find it overly frustrating to be informed that there isn't a café on the glacier. FML

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By BetterThanFake - 13/1/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, I made a fake MySpace so that I could flirt with my boyfriend and see what he would do. He ended up dumping me for the fake MySpace girl. FML

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By Franigirl - 26/2/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I had to present a powerpoint in front of my class. When I was finished, no one clapped. On my way back to my seat, I slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face. That's when everyone clapped. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 01:00

Second time

Today, I woke up with a rash on my face after just getting over a bad cold. I was told by the doctor that it was a staph infection spread by wearing a face mask. The face mask I wore so people wouldn’t catch the cold from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 02:04 - Australia

Online shopping

Today, I was showing my mum how to use eBay. Unfortunately I didn't notice my recent purchase history was on display: a huge black dildo; a jockstrap and a bong amongst them. Of course, she did. FML

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By martyn28 - 13/8/2013 14:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked past a girl giving out leaflets for a nightclub. She ignored me the first two times. I dismissed it cynically, thinking she was only giving them to good looking young people. The third time she gave one to a balding 40-year old guy with his pre-teen kid. She still ignored me. FML

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By Noname - 9/1/2009 11:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that the large container of leftover beef stroganoff that I put down the garbage disposal last night had backed up into my bathtub this morning. FML

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By brokeandsad - 3/1/2010 20:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight about a clogged toilet. He was yelling about not having enough money to buy a better plunger and so I stormed out to buy one myself. While pulling his truck into traffic, a car hit me causing $1000 in damage. FML

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By sdeeter - 29/4/2013 13:39 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position, and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 04:38 - United States - Montpelier

Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML

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By EggyBum - 26/1/2010 01:41 - United States

Today, I was putting groceries into my car, and I put the eggs on the driver's seat while I arranged my other bags. I was frustrated because the dome light was acting up, which drives me crazy. Once I got everything in, I crankily plopped into the car. I had never moved the eggs off my seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2016 14:27 - United States

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend. He said yes, but is now sulking because I took away his "manhood". Jeez, sorry I didn't want to wait another 7 years for you to finally do it. FML

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By John Brown - 24/7/2018 15:00

Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

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By Derek Lee - 22/5/2011 13:53 - United States

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, I got turned down from a job I really wanted. Six hours later, the guy called me again and delivered the same news, not realizing he had already called this morning. Thanks for rubbing it in. FML

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By ccc - 15/5/2009 16:35 - United States

Today, a cab driver had to sign me out of the emergency room because I didn't know who else to call. FML

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By Katie - 9/10/2012 05:42 - United States - Homewood

Today, I received frantic calls and messages from my husband wondering where I was and if I was cheating on him. I was in the same house as him. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2018 15:00

Today, after spending 12 hours desperately searching everywhere I could think of, I'm forced to admit I left my wedding ring in the bathroom of the hotel suite we just spent our honeymoon in, on the literal other side of the planet. I am a dead man. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I was driving home through the middle of nowhere when a screw punctured my car tire. I arrived at the town's only auto shop to find that it had closed early. Frantic, I dialed the emergency number listed on the shop's locked door. On the other side of the glass, a phone began to ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2014 16:30

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a smurf. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2010 15:04 - Netherlands

Today, an old lady asked me the way to the shopping mall. The shopping mall was not too far away, but I could see that the lady could barely walk so I offered to drive her there. She smacked my car's door into a pole while getting in my car. She didn't even notice that she'd done something wrong. FML

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By momoftheyearedition - 9/7/2015 03:13 - United States - Landenberg

Today, my 5-year-old won't stop princess-waving at people. This would be fine, but she looks exactly like she is giving the Nazi salute. I got dirty looks from nearly everyone at the supermarket. FML

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By bob the builder - 8/11/2012 14:36 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I'm at work on a construction site for a high rise building, on the 12th floor today. I've developed a severe case of the runs, causing me to need to rush to the nearest toilet periodically. Luckily for me it's conveniently located on the ground floor. FML

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By Doublescrewed - 6/10/2015 00:23

Today, I showed up for my first shift in my new night job; I now work at an apartment complex in the day and a gas station at night. It turns out that our biggest problem tenant in the former happens to be my boss in the latter. FML

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By onehitwonder - 10/2/2011 07:26

Today, it snowed a lot and my friends and I went outside for a walk. Someone drove by and threw a snowball at me, hitting me square in the face. Surprised, I side-stepped only to end up losing balance and roll down a hill into a ditch full of prickly bushes. FML

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By AlwaysRejected - 10/12/2015 15:53 - United States - Fremont

Today, I found out that my so-called "friends" on my Skype group chat have another group chat that contains everyone but me. Apparently, they made it so I would not "disturb" their conversations. FML

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By lifedownthegutter - 18/5/2016 18:21 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, the lawn I've been devoting all my efforts to saving from a nasty grub infestation isn't going to make it, but apparently the grass I noticed growing in my gutters is doing just fine. FML.

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By Fire sucks. - 17/1/2014 03:42 - United States

Today, there was a forest fire in my town. I was still forced to go to school, as it was safer. A lot of people decided not to go, and we ended up doing nothing but watching the news reports. There, I got to see my house burning on live TV. FML

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By boyfriendisatoss - 26/12/2009 07:22 - Australia

Today, I had two surprises for my boyfriend who was at work. One was a dessert and the other was sexy lingerie. He chose the dessert. Then told me I was an idiot. FML

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By colorfulgina - 12/12/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

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By Kallian - 25/11/2019 03:00 - Australia - Sydney

What happened?

Today, I walked home and found a massive branch had fallen into my parking space. My first thought, "Thank God my car wasn't hit!" My second thought, "Where's my car?" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 01:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to be romantic and literally sweep me off my feet... directly into a door frame. Now my face is bruised, and the police officer at my school has asked me if I need to make a report about anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 09:18 - United Kingdom

Today, a woman at work told me that her kid had puked into "a storage bin" in the office. It wasn't a storage bin, it was the outgoing mail tray on the side of my desk containing important contract documents that had to be posted by 5pm that day. FML

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By Laserbeaver - 29/9/2013 13:00 - United States - Milton

Today, I finally handed my girlfriend a portrait of her. I'm not the best drawer, but I spent weeks on it and I thought it turned out pretty good. When she looked at it, she asked what kind of dog was it. FML

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By CoA - 6/9/2016 11:40 - United States - Dekalb

Today, at my new job, I realized I have been spending too much time with just my cat. As I passed some coworkers in the hall, I nodded and gave them the "slow blink of trust" that is used with cats. FML

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Top comments

By TheGreatAlexande | 12

#5882804 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:40

They grow up so fast. :']

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5882806 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:42

Not too long now before you catch him yanking his doodle. Hopefully he doesn't sing about that one.

COMMENTS

By TheGreatAlexande | 12

#5882804 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:40

They grow up so fast. :']

JMichael | 25

#5882815 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 11:03

If you know what I mean ;)

firefighter925 | 18

#5882869 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:24

Why would you ask your kid that?

jerryj | 27

#5882884 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:38

9, is that a pedosmile hiding under your avatar's ski/ninja mask?

abhi95 | 31

#5882889 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:41

That is Kakashi hatake you disrespectful human being! He is awesome!

LolzBomber | 11

#5882992 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 15:49

Record your son singing the song and play it back to him when he is older, you'll get the last laugh them :>

BrickTamlandLamp | 13

#5883024 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 16:18

Why all of the responses to this comment so stupid

toaster123 | 11

#5883236 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 20:51

yeah seriously...

skittyskatbrat | 19

#5883285 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 22:36

I was about to suggest the same thing :D Such moments need to be preserved...for when he's a teen....

By Amoondris | 17

#5882805 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:41

It sounds like he just discovered a new word for them rather than just now discovering them.

Kamon97 | 23

#5882870 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:27

My ding-a-ling my ding-a-ling I want to play with my ding-a-ling!

jaylacheatham | 7

#5882941 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 14:11

now that's stuck in my head

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5882806 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:42

Not too long now before you catch him yanking his doodle. Hopefully he doesn't sing about that one.

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#5882808 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:49

Good luck with your son, OP. haha.

By Chanti_fml | 26

#5882810 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:55

Great song! It's gonna be a real hit sometime!

patrickalamo | 47

#5882883 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:36

YouTube gold...

Tthug | 34

#5882970 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 15:01

Reminds me of miss march:

"I'm gonna love/fuck/etc a white chick"

Godsofdracos | 15

#5883345 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 23:33

Better than Bieber.

Why is his name in my autocorrect :c

By kwyk | 23

#5882811 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:55

Don't worry, the excitement will wear off eventually... give him another 50 years or so

By CasseyWasntHere | 10

#5882812 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:55

thats priceless

By _kyleG_ | 34

#5882813 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 11:02

All part of the learning process- just be glad he didn't make his discovery in public! (...If the stories are true, I may have discovered 'sh*t' while grocery shopping at 2)

Mauskau | 35

#5882930 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 13:54

When I was 2, I would pick up cucumbers in the shop and spin round singing, "willy, willy". My brother was nice enough to give me that habit, my parents hated it.