Kids: Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked...

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML

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Kids

Out of it

Commando

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today I returned home after a semester at university. I guess I did too good a job of getting into shape as my parents phoned the police, thinking I was a burglar. FML

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By Brie - United States

Today, my grandmother pulled down her pants and screamed, "Kiss my ass" in the middle of a packed restaurant. FML

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By TRalalla - Canada

Today, I decided to call the number a cute guy had scribbled onto a napkin and given to me. I was greeted by, "Hello, this is Dr. Allen's office." Surprised, because I didn't remember his name being anything close to Allen, I asked who Dr. Allen was. She's a psychologist. FML

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By Dude - Singapore

Today, I found out that the reason I'm working as a kitchen staff instead of out on the floor of the café is because the boss does not think I'm attractive enough. My boss is my brother. FML

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By stelssy - United States

Today, while reading in the bath, I accidentally switched the shower on. Not wanting my book to get soaked, I threw it out of the tub. When I got out of the tub later, I found it had landed squarely in the toilet. FML

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By engagedmaybe - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend asked me to marry him because he could get a tax cut from buying the ring. All of this happened in front of his mother. FML

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By Juliet - United States - Inglewood

Today, my Romeo and Juliet style relationship hit an all time low when my boyfriend's parents filed a lawsuit against my parents. FML

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By Furi - 28/5/2021 11:01

Where's mah caaaaake?

Today, it was my mother’s birthday. I was on my way to pick up her cake but I got into a car accident and ended up in the emergency room. When I call her to explain what happened, she called me an useless fuck for ruining her birthday by not bringing the cake. She’s yet to ask if I'm okay. FML

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By Granmacathy - United States

Today, my grandson asked how old I am and whether I'd seen Mammoths "for real" when I was a kid. FML

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By Anonymous - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my demented asswipe of a lab partner thought it'd be funny to replace the birthday gift I bought for my girlfriend with the large intestine of a recently-dissected dog. My girlfriend nearly fainted when she opened the gift box, and accused me of planning the whole thing. FML

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By gothicvamp93 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boss called and yelled at me because he said I was "spotted" out after I called off sick. I was out getting the medicine the doctor had just prescribed me. FML

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By Canali18 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after working a 24-hour shift I was finally able to get some sleep. Not even an hour after falling asleep, I was woken up by my drunk husband humping my leg. FML

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By Secondyearcollegekid

Today, one of my housemates licked or bit all 12 of the cupcakes I bought to give to a friend as a thank-you gift. No one will own up to it. FML

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By not a shitty situation so fuck you - United States - San Francisco

Today, in a public toilet, I got to experience a guy high out of his mind kicking in my locked stall door and puking all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 11:01 - Sweden - Skellefte?

No end in sight

Today, my city is in the news because of a huge Covid outbreak in a factory that's under construction. They have over a thousand workers and refuse to shut down to stop the spread. FML

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By Official_Person - United States

Today, I got married. My new husband wanted to carry me over the threshold of our apartment, but he couldn't pick me up. FML

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By Unlucky gal

Today, I broke my mug, windshield wiper, shower curtain, and foot, all in six hours. FML

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By elaine - 2/2/2021 21:01 - United States - Denver

Are you a wizard?

Today, I tried to prove a point to my six-year-old son who refuses to drink water from the kitchen sink in favor of from the bathroom faucet. I filled up two cups, one with the kitchen water and another with the bathroom water, thinking he wouldn’t tell the difference. He gagged on the kitchen water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML

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By roar_shark - Canada

Today, I was driving home from my friend's house and noticed this really cute girl riding her bike. She had an amazing body, beautiful blonde hair and looked like my kind of girl! About 10 minutes after I got home, my sister pulled up. She had just biked home from the hair salon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Surprise

Today, I had surgery on my arm. My mom has recently had the same surgery and my dad is having his first rib removed and won't be able to move his arm. My family combined now has three functioning arms. FML

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By Rex - United States - Camden

Do Not Pass Go

Today, I started at a new college. I bought my textbooks and went to my first class only to find out that they changed my schedule without telling me. I'd already opened the book. I could not get $200 back. FML

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By AntiAxe

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

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By Le Dookie - United States - Sugar Land

Today, I got denied a refund for my dream coffee machine. I've overdrafted my bank account to buy it on Offer Up for an excellent price, but USPS delivered the package to a wrong address. Someone got it for free. Offer Up won't refund me because it says "delivered" on the tracking page. FML

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By johnG - Canada

Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a spur of the moment idea to go have my nose pierced. The piercer made sure to tell me how easily the little stud could get caught or hung up. I spent all day stressing over it only to scratch my nose and rip it out. Now I have a $40 bleeding hole in my nose. FML

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By preggo - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she could include mashed potatoes and gravy with dinner. She then went on to yell at me about my "unhealthy eating habits" and how I've "gained a lot of weight in the past few months". I'm pregnant. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Due to the drugs they gave me I felt nauseous. When I went to the bathroom as a precaution I did not throw up. Instead I passed out face first in the toilet. FML

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By technical - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I had to explain to someone that all beverages, except plain water, actually have calories. They weren't too happy that their milkshake diet was over before it began. FML

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By Light Sleeper - United States - Evansville

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date with a man I met on Halloween. It appears that his mullet wasn't actually part of his costume. FML

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By waxer150 - United States - Ashtabula

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you." She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too." FML

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By what did I do? - Australia - Sydney

Today, my ex boyfriend got into a physical fight with the guy I've been casually seeing for 9 months. Afterwards, they had a beer, a long chat, and decided this was my fault and I wasn't worth the drama. FML

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By spriggs - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 23:03

Devious, the lot of them

Today, I was out walking with a cute girl when we passed by a house with a Trump sign. Trying to make her laugh, I went to steal it. Turns out it was booby trapped. I got drenched by a sprinkler when I got close. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I had to explain to my 22-year-old boyfriend that mice do not grow up to be rats. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got stopped at the bank by security for carrying a weapon and threatened to call the police. I had to prove my “metal stick” was not a weapon. I am partially paralyzed in one of my feet and have to walk with a cane. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was celebrating my birthday when my friend gave me a chocolate as a gift. I wasn't suspecting anything and ate about half of it before I noticed something strange. It turned out there were some kind of worms living in it and the chocolate was about a year after the expiration date. I got sick. FML

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Top comments

By TheGreatAlexande | 12

#5882804 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:40

They grow up so fast. :']

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5882806 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:42

Not too long now before you catch him yanking his doodle. Hopefully he doesn't sing about that one.

COMMENTS

By TheGreatAlexande | 12

#5882804 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:40

They grow up so fast. :']

JMichael | 25

#5882815 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 11:03

If you know what I mean ;)

firefighter925 | 18

#5882869 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:24

Why would you ask your kid that?

jerryj | 27

#5882884 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:38

9, is that a pedosmile hiding under your avatar's ski/ninja mask?

abhi95 | 31

#5882889 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:41

That is Kakashi hatake you disrespectful human being! He is awesome!

LolzBomber | 11

#5882992 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 15:49

Record your son singing the song and play it back to him when he is older, you'll get the last laugh them :>

BrickTamlandLamp | 13

#5883024 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 16:18

Why all of the responses to this comment so stupid

toaster123 | 11

#5883236 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 20:51

yeah seriously...

skittyskatbrat | 19

#5883285 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 22:36

I was about to suggest the same thing :D Such moments need to be preserved...for when he's a teen....

By Amoondris | 17

#5882805 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:41

It sounds like he just discovered a new word for them rather than just now discovering them.

Kamon97 | 23

#5882870 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:27

My ding-a-ling my ding-a-ling I want to play with my ding-a-ling!

jaylacheatham | 7

#5882941 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 14:11

now that's stuck in my head

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5882806 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:42

Not too long now before you catch him yanking his doodle. Hopefully he doesn't sing about that one.

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#5882808 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:49

Good luck with your son, OP. haha.

By Chanti_fml | 26

#5882810 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:55

Great song! It's gonna be a real hit sometime!

patrickalamo | 47

#5882883 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:36

YouTube gold...

Tthug | 34

#5882970 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 15:01

Reminds me of miss march:

"I'm gonna love/fuck/etc a white chick"

Godsofdracos | 15

#5883345 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 23:33

Better than Bieber.

Why is his name in my autocorrect :c

By kwyk | 23

#5882811 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:55

Don't worry, the excitement will wear off eventually... give him another 50 years or so

By CasseyWasntHere | 10

#5882812 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:55

thats priceless

By _kyleG_ | 34

#5882813 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 11:02

All part of the learning process- just be glad he didn't make his discovery in public! (...If the stories are true, I may have discovered 'sh*t' while grocery shopping at 2)

Mauskau | 35

#5882930 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 13:54

When I was 2, I would pick up cucumbers in the shop and spin round singing, "willy, willy". My brother was nice enough to give me that habit, my parents hated it.