Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked...

By Anonymous - 12/3/2014 03:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML

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Kids

Work name

Dad jokes, part 43884

Business savvy

By nyebust - 1/1/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, my grandmother drunk dialed me at midnight to wish me a happy new year. I was already in bed. My grandmother has a better social life than I do. FML

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By Failure - 22/5/2015 22:14 - Germany - Oschersleben

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

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By Tmth - 25/5/2016 22:24

Today, I'm on crutches due to hip surgery. I went to the fridge to grab a bite to eat, but quickly realized if I wanted anything, I would have to eat there. I can't carry anything. Cold leftovers here we go. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2015 22:59 - United States - Framingham

Today, I got to listen to my boss lecture me about professional dress and subtly insinuate that my being on the heavier side top-wise with all the men in the office could be a problem. I've worn turtle necks for the whole two months I've been working there. FML

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By ohmygod582 - 14/4/2014 01:32 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I was walking around school alone and felt someone tap my back. I laughed and turned around to find no one was there. I felt confused when I felt the tapping again, which is when I chose to yell at the nearest person, "What?!" I later found out it was a bottle in my backpack tapping me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, at the job I've had for eight years, I finally got the raise I was supposed to get a year ago. One hour later I found out the store was closing and we were all out of a job in two weeks. FML

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By savvylady - 18/6/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I was invited out to a date by my ex-boyfriend. He seemed really excited to reconnect and kept holding my hand and complimenting how I looked. Out of nowhere a girl runs up to him screaming. It was his current girlfriend, he was using me to make her jealous. FML

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By longest minute - 25/5/2016 11:28 - United States - Cypress

Today, I was peeing in a public bathroom when a guy walked in and passed by 4 open urinals to use the one next to mine. After feeling his gaze for a second, I confronted him with my own, in hopes he would stop. Instead, I stared into a stranger's eyes until I finished peeing. FML

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By anonymous - 1/4/2012 18:38 - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML

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By Harry - 29/11/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, I went hiking with my friend. We both had to pee really bad. We went to the edge of a cliff to "relieve ourselves". He peed and it came and hit me in the face, he did it on purpose. So, I decided to get him back and peed at him. The wind changed direction and hit me in the face again. FML

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By knolan - 20/7/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

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By arsenic660 - 30/7/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2018 19:30 - United States - Greenville

Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML

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By OutOfWork.OutOfTime - 28/10/2015 01:34 - United States - Cookeville

Today, I had my first job interview since graduating from university. The person who interviewed me informed me that not using my degree after two years practically makes it null and void. I guess instead of being a financial advisor at the company, I could always be a janitor there. FML

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By forever alone - 10/3/2018 09:00 - United States - New York

Today, during the garter toss at a wedding, all the eligible men yelped and scrambled, evading it like a falling meteor. They apparently wanted to stay single, rather than put it on and dance with the one who caught the bouquet, which was me. FML

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By only1bigdogme - 3/9/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I tried to scare a new college friend by sneaking up behind her wearing a mask. It worked. And so did her lightning fast reflexes developed from multiple martial arts championships. My 2 cracked ribs, broken nose and bruised ballsack can now be added to her list of achievements. FML

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By um... what the fuck, miss? - 2/8/2013 20:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I was buying ingredients for a salad. I had only picked up a few cucumbers, when an elderly lady came up to me and murmured, "Make sure you use lots of lube, or that'll hurt. Been there, sweetheart." What the HELL? FML

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By nosexlife - 12/9/2009 15:31 - United States

Today, I was with my seven year old daughter purchasing my husband a present for his birthday in a few weeks. At the register, in the very long line, I asked her where we could hide his present so he wouldn't find it, she responded loudly with "Hide it in your room! He never goes in there!" FML

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By TheIrony - 19/7/2016 21:50 - United States

Today, while driving I saw a police car riding along next to me. Thinking about the news recently, I decided to give him a quick thumbs up and a smile to lighten up his day. He looks back, smiles, flips on his siren, and pulls me over for not paying attention to the road. FML

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By Anon - 3/10/2009 11:43 - Australia

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back: my ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2019 22:00

Today, I had a party at my house. I have a nice laptop that I hook up to the stereo, but someone almost spilt beer on it, so I took it downstairs. Later on in the night, I went down to look something up on it. Someone had taken a shit on it. FML

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By blackberrybummer - 25/7/2010 05:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided he would do his job while I did my "job" on top of him. He whips out his Blackberry and completely ignores me to send e-mails to co-workers reminding them about the 10 a.m. meeting scheduled for the next morning. FML

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By Terra - 19/11/2016 05:14

Today, I logged on Facebook and saw my friend who'd been engaged, then broke the engagement, then got back together announce their new wedding date: three days before my wedding. She also sent me a message asking if I'd move my date. We've been planning our wedding for two years. She got engaged six months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2015 18:23 - United States - Cheyenne

Today, I was making out with a girl I've liked for a long time. At one point she stopped kissing me and said, "You kiss like my brother". I sat there dumbstruck as she went back to kissing me. FML

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By mylifeissad - 30/12/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I had to look up how to eat a mango on the internet. FML

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By whateven333 - 18/2/2015 04:02 - United States - Gibsonia

Today, I told my cousin that I would gladly help him through the loss of my aunt. That is until he started flirting with me. FML

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By foreveralone - 13/1/2014 01:00 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2012 12:09 - Australia - Croydon

Today, I was babysitting this 12 year old. We were watching a movie, and he was being an angel just laying with his head in my lap. He fell asleep so I closed my eyes and had a little nap. When I woke up he had taken my shirt off and was feeling up my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2012 18:34 - United States - Metairie

Today, I was walking to school with my earphones in, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I was shocked, and whirled around to hit him in the crotch. I soon realized he was just trying to return the commuter pass I'd dropped at the station. FML

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By Fairymyass - 17/7/2011 16:01 - United Kingdom

Today, an argument broke out between me, my girlfriend, and her sister. They were trying to convince me that not only were fairies real, but there were "scientific facts" that "prove" their existence. My girlfriend's 20 and her sister teaches primary school. FML

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By lxygrl - 20/7/2019 13:07 - United States - Phenix City

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

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By - 27/1/2020 18:00

Glittery letters

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

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By queenmabby - 16/1/2019 12:00

Today, for the first time ever, I was able to have a good hair day without blow drying it or using product. Or so I thought. The first words my mom spoke to me when I came downstairs were “Go fix your hair.” FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2010 20:27 - United States

Today, my friends told me, "Don't worry about your bad acne. It kind of looks like the pattern the avatars have on their heads." FML

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By QuinnyZebrass - 2/4/2013 04:11 - United States - Laveen

Today, my creepy co-worker walked up and said, "You know, I was having sex with this girl last night, and I almost said your name." FML

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By justjust - 28/3/2009 14:14 - United States

Today, I was at work at a preschool. I was sitting outside with the kids and was getting bored so I started singing. One of the little girls runs up and puts her hand over my mouth and tells me to stop. I'm in a select chorus at my highschool and plan to major in choral studies in college. FML

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By JG - 10/5/2012 11:48 - United States - Melbourne

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I finally got a girlfriend. I received a standing ovation. FML

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By roselysunset - 29/7/2015 17:07 - United States - Cypress

Today, I came home to find my mom drunk. She asked me for a hug and then started crying, "Where's my daughter?" I'm her daughter. And her only child, as far as I know. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 20:35 - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I was working as a nurse, and an elderly man had just passed away. As the patient's wife was leaving she said, "Thank you for taking such good care of my husband." Then I, intending to say "Sorry for your loss," said "Thank you for your loss." FML

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By sadcase - 12/4/2011 14:01 - Australia

Today, I used my hair straightener to attempt to straighten my eyelashes and burned my eyelid. I don't know what's sadder, that fact I thought it would be fun, or that I was stupid enough to think I wouldn't hurt myself. FML

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Top comments

By TheGreatAlexande | 12

#5882804 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:40

They grow up so fast. :']

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5882806 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:42

Not too long now before you catch him yanking his doodle. Hopefully he doesn't sing about that one.

Comments

By TheGreatAlexande | 12

#5882804 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:40

They grow up so fast. :']

JMichael | 25

#5882815 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 11:03

If you know what I mean ;)

firefighter925 | 18

#5882869 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:24

Why would you ask your kid that?

jerryj | 27

#5882884 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:38

9, is that a pedosmile hiding under your avatar's ski/ninja mask?

abhi95 | 31

#5882889 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:41

That is Kakashi hatake you disrespectful human being! He is awesome!

LolzBomber | 11

#5882992 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 15:49

Record your son singing the song and play it back to him when he is older, you'll get the last laugh them :>

BrickTamlandLamp | 13

#5883024 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 16:18

Why all of the responses to this comment so stupid

toaster123 | 11

#5883236 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 20:51

yeah seriously...

skittyskatbrat | 19

#5883285 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 22:36

I was about to suggest the same thing :D Such moments need to be preserved...for when he's a teen....

By Amoondris | 17

#5882805 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:41

It sounds like he just discovered a new word for them rather than just now discovering them.

Kamon97 | 23

#5882870 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:27

My ding-a-ling my ding-a-ling I want to play with my ding-a-ling!

jaylacheatham | 7

#5882941 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 14:11

now that's stuck in my head

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5882806 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:42

Not too long now before you catch him yanking his doodle. Hopefully he doesn't sing about that one.

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#5882808 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:49

Good luck with your son, OP. haha.

By Chanti_fml | 26

#5882810 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:55

Great song! It's gonna be a real hit sometime!

patrickalamo | 47

#5882883 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 12:36

YouTube gold...

Tthug | 34

#5882970 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 15:01

Reminds me of miss march:

"I'm gonna love/fuck/etc a white chick"

Godsofdracos | 15

#5883345 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 23:33

Better than Bieber.

Why is his name in my autocorrect :c

By kwyk | 23

#5882811 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:55

Don't worry, the excitement will wear off eventually... give him another 50 years or so

By CasseyWasntHere | 10

#5882812 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:55

thats priceless

By _kyleG_ | 34

#5882813 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 11:02

All part of the learning process- just be glad he didn't make his discovery in public! (...If the stories are true, I may have discovered 'sh*t' while grocery shopping at 2)

Mauskau | 35

#5882930 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 13:54

When I was 2, I would pick up cucumbers in the shop and spin round singing, "willy, willy". My brother was nice enough to give me that habit, my parents hated it.