Today, my 14-year-old son showed me a "bird's egg" he was looking after in his room. It was a dried up dog turd. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML
Today, my 1-year-old son walked up to me with a disgusted look on his face. I could tell he had something in his mouth so I pulled it out. He'd been sucking on a piece of cat poop. FML
Today, my toddler handed me a present and told me to keep it forever. It was a piece of dog poo. FML
Today, my 6 year-old brought me a card. On it was a turd belonging to my 4 year-old son. She got excited and grossed out, and threw it on the rug. FML
Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML
Today, I was making egg salad for the week's lunches and told my son to come help. When we started peeling the eggs, he thought it was funny to roll them off the counter and ruin them. I shouted at him for being disrespectful and wasteful, and my wife screamed at me that, "He's just a little boy!" FML
Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML
Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML
Today, after I warned my son repeatedly that if he wanted a rabbit he had to clean and feed it, I checked on it. It wasn’t just dead, it was dead and rotting in a pool of its own pee and faeces. I yelled at him, but he just shrugged and told me rabbits are boring and he forgot it was even there. FML
Today, my husband came running with his phone to “show me what our son did.” Was it a funny dance video? No. Was it a neat drawing? No. It was a turd. A foot long turd curled up in the toilet bowl. And it came out of our 5 year-old. He’s his daddy’s boy all right. Ew. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
mpj13 8
How do you even get the two confused?
Werken247 14
Were you and your husband related before you got married? C'mon now tell the truth.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (112)
CazDan 1
Under no circumstances should you let him cook for you.
FML_Whale 18
I wouldn't take any egg salad sandwiches from him.
zombieslayer83 19
Not as many shitty puns as I suspected!
ICastillo 25
Because people don't want the shit storm that comes after one.
billyz77 24
Give 'em time. The hoard is gathering as we speak (type?).
stargirl_95 24
I find the fact that your 14 year old son cannot tell the difference between a dog turd and a bird's egg slightly disturbing. I hate to disappoint you, but it doesn't look like your son is going to become a rocket scientist who studied at an Ivy League university like you were hoping OP.
Marineman5 6
Maybe you should teach your kid about the wildlife. Obviously his school isn't doing its job.
infaith 5
I'm pretty sure school doesn't explain what molded dog shit looks like...
Marineman5 6
True but the kid is 14 a little common sense
perdix 31
Tell him if he sits on it long enough and keeps it warm, he'll hatch a puppy! That ought to give you several weeks of peace and quiet as your idiot boy plays Mama Dogbird.
billyz77 24
You did it again, perdix. I always read FMLs while eating breakfast and this is at least the fifth or sixth time you've made me laugh out loud with a mouthful of food or drink. I should send you the bill for the dry cleaning. They charge extra for coffee stains, ya know. But thanks!!
perdix 31
#26, OK, send me the bill, but just this one time and just for you. Next time, when you see my trademark earth-toned stripes, swallow what you're eating or drinking before reading. I don't want to be responsible for any more of your laundry catastrophes.
buddy51 23
Tell him it'll hatch a Dumbledore...
billyz77 24
I tried sending my dry cleaning bill to you, perdix, but I'll be damned if I can figure out where the insertion slot is on my iPhone. None on my router, either, or my laptop. Damned Internet is just too complicated for this old ****** to figure out. I'll just pay it myself but thank you for the offer. I bet even OP's son could forward that bill to you but it's beyond me.
perdix 31
#55, aw, man, I'm not that much younger than you. What you do is lay out some birdseed and catch a bird. Go to the Home Depot knobs and buttons department and get my Twitter handle. Wrap the bill around the bird, secure it with the handle and sent me a Tweet. That's how all the cool kids do it these days!
rotflqtms_ 21
~These younguns & their tweeting messenger birds. First pigeons, then owls... All this tweeting is killing my wallet (bird seeds aren't cheep...um, cheap)... And my payments never seem to reach their destination... I don't know why all my birds get lost but everyone else tweets & their messages reach millions of people...maybe I need different bird food...~
Ukeee_X 19
He's an egg short of a dozen
asb818 14
He's 11 eggs short of a dozen
rotflqtms_ 21
Um, more like 12, not 11. Dog Shit doesn't taste good fried with cheese on toasted bread with sausages... Not that I tried it or anything... *whistles & walks away*
DocBastard 40
Well, that sort of thing happens to the best of...uh... No, no it doesn't. Your son is an imbecile.
jgriff79 23
Good news you don't have to start a college fund. Bad news he is going to live with you forever.
DanielleinDC 34
I have to wonder how anyone can have such an idiot child.
zombieslayer83 19
You never know, her child could have a mental disorder!
DocBastard 40
Which is more common, sheer stupidity or mental disorders?
zombieslayer83 19
In the child or with you!
buckdharma 38
hey, cut the kid some slack. At least he is'nt trying to light the house with it.