Miscellaneous: Today, like every month, the beautician spent 10 minutes removing... - FML

By Noname - France

Today, like every month, the beautician spent 10 minutes removing the hairs from my stomach. I'm a girl. FML

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Doomed

Boom, headshot

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By cody4prez

Today, my dad told my mom to hurry up or they'd miss the start of their concert. She said "I'm coming, I'm coming..." and without thinking, I blurted "That's what she said." They're super religious, and I'm now grounded till January. FML

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By DimeShapedBruise - United States - Beaverton

Today, some asshat chewed me out over a 10 cent late fine he was charged on his library card. When I tried to explain the fine to him, he started mimicking me. Finally, as he chucked a dime at my head before storming out, I saw the glint of a Rolex watch from beneath his power suit. FML

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By Lola

Today, for the third time, I’ve had to clean a puddle of pee from the bathroom floor. I live alone, and I’m a girl. FML

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By datgurllllukno - United States

Food for thought

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

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By Derek

Today, I found out that my kids are both my half-brothers, and the fertility tests my wife had us do a few years ago showed that I'm sterile. She didn't tell me until I found the test results in her desk and asked her about it. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my long-distance boyfriend and I decided to be a bit naughty on Skype. It was 3am so we assumed that my dad was asleep and did some dirty talk. When we were done, I heard my dad laughing outside my room; he'd heard it all. FML

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By Az - United States - Dallas

Today, I woke up to a guy outside my house, who wanted to give me flowers and take me out on a date. Aside from it all being pretty fucking creepy anyway, the guy is my not quite right in the head second cousin, who's apparently now head-over-heels in love with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, "Community" was pulled from its mid-season lineup, with plans to hopefully put it back on the schedule at some unknown time. It will probably be canceled. Meanwhile, "Whitney" is still on the air and doing fine. FML

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By unlucky - United States - Cold Spring

Today, I was working at the daycare. As I left with my boyfriend, a kid came up to us and said that my boyfriend could do way better. FML

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By hiker - United States

Today, my dad said that if I walked home from school, a distance of 8 miles, he would give me $50. Two hours and four massive blisters later, I come home. When I asked for my money, he said "I was kidding." FML

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By MotherofET - Australia

Today, my daughter announced on Facebook that she is directly descended from extra-terrestrials. That would be okay - except she's 25 and believes it's true. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 11:01 - Sweden - Skellefte?

No end in sight

Today, my city is in the news because of a huge Covid outbreak in a factory that's under construction. They have over a thousand workers and refuse to shut down to stop the spread. FML

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By goingup? - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my girlfriend when it stuck mid-floor. Being supportive, I went to hug her and tell her we'll be OK. Today I also learned that my girlfriend is deathly claustrophobic and her predominant reaction is to vomit. In this case, all over me. We were stuck for 2 hours. FML

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By Traffickills - United States - Hyattsville

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend, we were stuck behind a 7-car accident for 2 hours in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML

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By stampslife - Canada - Agassiz

Today, I finished watching an entire movie after boarding the plane, before the plane even took off. FML

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By natalyV

Today, my boyfriend has been sulking like a moody kid all day, all because I won't set my phone background to a picture of his dick. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, my boyfriend decided to suddenly stop in the middle of sex, just as I was actually starting to enjoy myself, just to bear hug me and exclaim, "Crikey, she's angry!" in the voice of Steve Irwin. He laughed so hard at his own joke that he went soft and couldn't continue. FML

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By JellicleCat - United Kingdom - London

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Insane click. He’s just as in love with me. He’s also got a condition I research in my job. It’s literally unethical for us to date. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 02:00 - Netherlands - Bergeyk

Cheap-ass lying bro-bro!

Today, I found out my boyfriend is booking my dream vacation to Bali with his brothers, 6 months after he told me we couldn't go on vacation this year because he doesn’t have the money. They planned this within a week. I had been planning it with him for months. FML

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By xXshitface4uXx - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, my dad asked me how I would feel about going on an all-expenses-paid, month-long holiday to the Caribbean. I was ecstatic and broke into tears of joy, saying I'd love it. He replied, "Yeah, me too. Shame it ain't happening!" then left for work, laughing his arse off. FML

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By D-Man - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a co-worker. I got her the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Iola

Today, a week after moving into my new house, I'm seriously considering suing the previous occupant. He failed to mention how the neighbor has his own band and rehearses every other day until 2am. Their music is so bad, it sounds like the wailing of a cat being tortured to death. FML

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By mommysgirlapparently - United States

Today, my mom was on my Facebook and saw a chick leave a nasty comment on my status. My mom commented back something awful and really bitchy. My mom still fights my fights for me. I'm 20. FML

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By embarassed - United States

Today, my mother came up to me at swim meet and shouted to me in the bleachers "If you have to go potty, go now because there is a long line!". I'm seventeen. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the canine behaviour course I am studying released a new assignment in which I need to film myself teaching a dog a new trick. The only dog I have access to is my sister's neurotic, anxious Chihuahua who bites at any sudden noise. FML

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By appropriatepolice - United States

Today, I had to explain to my 65-year-old mother that it is inappropriate for her to walk around in front of me in her underwear. Her response? "Too bad." FML

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By DabTheFuckOut - United States - Honolulu

Today, I finally said yes to a date with a guy. I was hesistant due to him being quite a bit younger than me. On our date, he dabbed 27 times. Yes, I actually kept count. FML

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By Waste Someone Else's Time - United States

Today, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. The main reason being that he doesn't value my time, and fails to see how canceling at the last minute is rude and a major inconvenience. I wanted to be respectful enough by breaking things off face to face. He cancelled, at the last minute. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Appleton

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

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By petty petty petty

Today, my mom yelled at me for fighting with my younger brother. Not because she wanted us to stop, but because my brother couldn't find a good comeback to my argument. FML

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By friendless1004 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I gave a group presentation. Because I didn't know the last names of my group members, I'd put fake ones in, intending to replace them later. I forgot to change them and I ended up giving a presentation alongside a very angry Greg Penishead and Josh Acne. FML

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By CandlesSuck - Canada

Today, I invited my girlfriend to come over, telling her I had a surprise. I filled the bathtub and lit a lot of candles to be romantic. She gets here, and we start doing our thing. Until we smell something burning. It was my hair. I now have a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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By Crotch_Rocket_Rider - United States

Today, when approaching a stop light on my motorcycle, I went to extend my left leg as usual to balance when stopped. Apparently my shoelace loop got wrapped around the shift lever and "tied" my shoe to the bike. It's hard to look cool when you fall over for no apparent reason at a stoplight. FML

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By Kyley - United States

Today, I was broken up with via a cereal analogy. Apparently, I'm a Cheerio and all he wants is a Froot Loop. FML

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By garrett - United States

Today, my girlfriend beat me at ping pong, twenty to three. She said I let her win because I don't respect her, then stormed out of the room. I'm just really bad at ping pong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my dad's birthday. As a joke, I got him one of those big erasers that say, "FOR BIG MISTAKES." He opened it, tried to erase me with it, then said, "It doesn't work." and left. FML

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By Rapunzel - United States - Tucson

Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML

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By Hatilic_

Today, my idiot of a boss yelled at me because it's physically impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and that I'm not a magician. He didn't understand that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

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Top comments

By Loboguy | 0

#153917 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:50

I'm a guy, so no comment about having stomach hair .. but we're all mammals aren't we?
F*** this sexist world for making girls everywhere think their beautiful natural bodies are unnatural.
Never ever met a girl I haven't found attractive in some way or other.

By olypicgold | 0

#714 - Sunday 8 February 2009 20:53

a little faint hair is kinda cute. as long as its not like a fucking forest

COMMENTS

By olypicgold | 0

#714 - Sunday 8 February 2009 20:53

a little faint hair is kinda cute. as long as its not like a fucking forest

Reply

LOL_UrLifeSucks | 0

#970843 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 3:37

2- lol agreed

By Curcolio_fml | 0

#4120 - Friday 20 February 2009 0:33

3 pages, and it's the 12th FML that is directly translated from VDM (the french website FML is derivated from...).

FTL

By JNY007 | 0

#7637 - Thursday 26 February 2009 7:28

@6- I have both.

By asunnyday | 0

#14431 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 16:52

you and me both. except i just pluck em.

Reply

greekgal44 | 14

#3082695 - Thursday 11 August 2011 4:04

i shave 'em

Reply

farrito102993 | 9

#6428727 - Wednesday 7 October 2015 6:33

I pluck mine, too! Everyone around here thinks I'm crazy and that it hurts- it doesn't at all!

By flyfallfadeaway | 0

#31954 - Saturday 14 March 2009 23:46

its normal.

especially if youre not completely done with puberty.

By dumbdumb | 0

#53554 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:39

i hear ya. I wax.

By mustache321 | 0

#131730 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 3:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By mustache321 | 0

#131735 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 3:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Apocalyptus | 0

#136371 - Thursday 23 April 2009 16:21

That's pretty normal, for a human being...

By Loboguy | 0

#153917 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 16:50

I'm a guy, so no comment about having stomach hair .. but we're all mammals aren't we?
F*** this sexist world for making girls everywhere think their beautiful natural bodies are unnatural.
Never ever met a girl I haven't found attractive in some way or other.

Reply

RedCarpetGrave | 0

#314882 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 18:40

That's a good way to be. I salute you, sir.

Reply

Madame_Javert | 4

#985068 - Monday 26 April 2010 8:02

That's really a great way to be, like #19 said. You have just restored my faith in the male gender, #14. :)

Reply

blo0_starZz | 0

#1063662 - Monday 5 July 2010 2:13

aaw <3
i think my faith in men was rrborm o.e

Reply

NewSlang | 0

#1183447 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 20:33

I agree with all the repliers to your comment, sir. Thank you for respecting that. :-)

Reply

YummiGummi | 0

#1973851 - Sunday 16 January 2011 17:51

awww :)

Reply

armydaughtr | 0

#2443582 - Monday 2 May 2011 6:24

wow that is amazing, Thanx for letting me know not all men are jerks<3

Reply

CherryBombb | 0

#2733840 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 1:59

Oh my gosh, I wish every guy thought the way you do. (:

Reply

realportlandian | 2

#4534583 - Thursday 7 June 2012 8:00

I

Reply

skiper6 | 2

#4685505 - Saturday 14 July 2012 7:30

As a guy, I totally agree. No one is perfect. All of this is normal, even when things can seem crazy. Just remember that life can go on.