Health: Today, I finally got an unsightly mole on my face removed. While... - FML

By boreed - United States

Today, I finally got an unsightly mole on my face removed. While I was shaving. FML

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Triage

Coherence dude, do you have it?

In the bag!

By anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML

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By Badaboom - Netherlands

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

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By dazedandconfused - United Kingdom - Dorking

Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

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By peanutface - Canada

Today, not only did I miss my bus by seconds, I also saw the bus driver smirking as he drove past me in the middle of the Canadian winter. FML

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By "Kymberly Hams" - Australia

Today, my toddler was supposed to be taking a nap. Instead, he decided it was the perfect time to remove his own nappy for the first time ever. He painted his walls, floor, bed and body, then started crying because he was dirty. FML

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By kaley

Real dream

Today, I woke up to find that I had given myself a haircut in my sleep. I have a presentation today and a job interview tomorrow. FML

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By coco - Canada

Today, I was on a very crowded bus, standing near the back door. People had to get off at the stop, and being near the door, I had to step off the bus, allowing the people to exit. I was about to enter back into the bus, the door closed and the bus driver took off, leaving me stranded. FML

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By Anonymous

Cockstepblocked

Today, while rushing upstairs to have sex, I tripped on the stairs and rammed my naked boner into the edge of the step. All my wife could do is laugh at me. Now it even hurts to pee or put my trousers on. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

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By Dick the Greater

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML

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By The Corner Of Death - United States - Spring

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

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By Biggie - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when she began skipping ahead of me and out in to the street. I saw a car coming right at her so I tackled her to the ground to save her. Turns out the car was stopping and was never going to hit her, and my girlfriend doesn't appreciate concussions. FML

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By Poser - Canada

Today, I was at a bar and met this great guy. He was going outside for a smoke and I wanted to go too. Since I don't smoke, I decided to borrow one of my friends cigarettes as an excuse to go outside with him. As I was lighting the cigarette, he pointed out that I was lighting the wrong end. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

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By Maggie123 - Canada

Today, I was taking my morning pills. There had been a lot of fruit flies in my house lately. I grabbed a cup of water beside to sink to wash the pills down. As soon as I tasted the drink, I realized it was vinegar and dish soap used to trap the flies. I washed my pills down with dead flies. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Onancock

How? Why?

Today, after getting in bed after a long day, I decided I would relieve some tension. Just as I'm ready to pop, in walks my grandma. I explode. My grandma, without missing a beat, just says, "Get cleaned up and go to bed. It's after twelve o'clock, you have to work in the morning." FML

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By Anonymous

Is it slander or libel?

Today, I posted a review, on a strictly anonymous site, about a doctor I went to see for my anxiety but who actually made me worse. A while later, the same doctor called my home phone, addressed me by my full name and threatened to sue me for slander if I didn't take down the review. All of which was 100% true. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a few people in my class used calculators on the math final exam, even though it clearly stated at the top that they weren't allowed. The teacher found out, and now everyone has to retake the 200-question exam. I didn't even use a calculator. FML

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By Target - United States

Today, while waiting for my order at a restaurant, a woman walked up to me and slapped me. She looked at me for a moment and said "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." Ten minutes later, the same woman came back and slapped me again. FML

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By xloverin - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I remembered that the concert I bought tickets for over a month in advance was yesterday. FML

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By WhyTheFNot - United States

Today, I came home from work and had to pee so badly that I ran to the bathroom and ripped my pants down. My touch screen phone dropped from my pocket and started calling my boyfriend. Since I couldn't quite reach the phone, I left a message of me peeing on his cell. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife admitted that she purposefully starts fights with me purely because she enjoys arguing and seeing me flustered. Don't marry a lawyer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling up my girlfriends chest. I was getting into it until she said "What are you doing?" I said I was rubbing her nipple. She replies, "Thats not my nipple, its a pimple." I felt up a pimple. FML

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By fmlsomuch - Japan

Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML

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By SexyPlayer9 - United States

Today, I was on a flight and one of my friends was sitting next to this woman who happened to be sleeping with her mouth wide open. My friend decided to take a picture. While I was editing it, a man sitting behind us said "If you want to take a picture of my girlfriend, wait until she's awake". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in gym class talking to a guy I like. My friend then decided to come up behind me and pants me, pulling down my underwear along with them. His only comment? "Someone needs to shave." FML

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By nh-Amazon - United States - Plano

Today, I asked my son to go to the grocery store across the street and pick up some lettuce. He sighed and said, "Why don't you just order it on Amazon?" FML

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By Eddie - 7/3/2021 23:00

Sharing is caring

Today, I caught my sister using my shaver to trim her pubic hair. FML

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By wtf did I do - United States

Today, I went to help a friend move into her new apartment. We were half-way through when it started to rain, and in my anger I yelled that it's like these things happen just to annoy me. Then we heard the tornado sirens. FML

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By ojskyguy - United States - Pearl

Today, I knocked over and broke one of two very expensive wine bottles. As I was using the mop to clean it up, the handle knocked over and broke the other. FML

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By AlexK - United Kingdom

Today, I was browsing my computer to find naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend. I decided it'd be funny to photoshop a penis onto one of the pictures. I'm straight and the new picture turned me on more than before. FML

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By airhead2015 - United States - Morristown

Today, I ran out of toilet paper. I yelled from the bathroom for my parents to bring me some toilet paper. My dad slipped one tiny piece of toilet paper under the door and boomed, "THE FINAL TEST." FML

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By cjkelly1 - United States

Today, my parents made me a steak dinner to celebrate me visiting home from college. I've been a vegetarian for eleven years. This is the third time they've done this. FML

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By maggie - United States

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

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By kennarama - United States

Today, I sat a client down for his haircut. He pulled off his hat and his hair was dripping wet. I asked him if he had just washed it. He responded, "No, but isn't it a hot day out?" No, it's twenty degrees and overcast today. FML

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By pavloviankitty - 28/5/2021 02:01

Finishing touch

Today, my husband and I cleaned our house. We swept, mopped, vacuumed, dusted, and scrubbed. We moved the furniture and got in the cracks. We were extremely thorough. At 9 p.m., our cat had diarrhea and he got it all over himself. He didn't know what to do, so he ran through the house, spraying poop everywhere. FML

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By Janitoro - United States

Double-edged sword

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

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By puppylove - United States

Today, while driving with my puppy in the passenger seat, he jumped out of the window. FML

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By racello13 - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML

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Top comments

By milakitty21 | 0

#1895723 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:52

look at it this way... you saved a few $100s. I'd call it a win. ;)

By greycellgreen | 0

#1895743 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:54

Seriously, go to the doc's because 1/ could be cancerous 2/ removing moles like that disrupts cells and could lead to cancer 3/ disfiguration reasons. Just a suggestion.

COMMENTS

By shortystar_fml | 0

#1895685 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:43

eww lol and ouch

Reply

dickamaru | 0

#1900364 - Tuesday 28 December 2010 12:44

well at least Austin powers won't be on your ass ever again

By shortystar_fml | 0

#1895690 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:43

eww lol and ouch

By SeanFredrick | 3

#1895694 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:44

Ouch! Think oF how the mole feels after that molestation!

Reply

KyleIsSoFine | 0

#1895981 - Monday 27 December 2010 13:01

Oh god xD

Reply

letsloveliyah | 0

#1896364 - Monday 27 December 2010 15:50

hahaha nice.

Reply

NeutralBear | 0

#1896981 - Monday 27 December 2010 19:07

Ewww

Reply

Alex201 | 0

#1899426 - Tuesday 28 December 2010 4:45

Lmao!

By Luke1717 | 0

#1895703 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:45

that musta hurt

Reply

mrfuzzywiggles | 11

#5722689 - Saturday 19 October 2013 23:52

I can tell you took a lot of thought and time in this comment

By Sammy_Baby | 0

#1895706 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:46

Ouch!

Reply

heyheyhey_domo | 0

#1911855 - Friday 31 December 2010 7:39

wow that must if hurt

By ripjohnlennon | 5

#1895715 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:48

atleast you don't have it anymore

By milakitty21 | 0

#1895723 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:52

look at it this way... you saved a few $100s. I'd call it a win. ;)

Reply

jessicaxx1 | 0

#1896314 - Monday 27 December 2010 15:20

haha yeah!

By myunicornbarfedo | 0

#1895731 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:52

O_o holy crab faucets!!!! Ouch!!!!!! Did you freak when you saw your mole squish onto the ground?

By supervacaneous | 4

#1895733 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:53

The mole became a hole.

By iSolDyourSouL | 0

#1895738 - Monday 27 December 2010 11:53

Ouch... On the bright side, at least you don't have a mole anymore!