Love: Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little...

By Awie - 20/10/2011 08:26 - Austria

Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 284

You deserved it 19 805

Love

Taking stock

Dysfunctional

The Phoebe Technique

By Jesstanothergurl - 18/07/2016 19:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 596

You deserved it 866

By notdaddy - 16/02/2015 16:39 - United States - Houston

Today, while talking with my ex, I mentioned I was depressed about turning 40. He said he'd been depressed about turning 40 as well, until he started screwing hot 20-somethings. We were still together when he turned 40. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 989

You deserved it 4 420

Distant love

By jadalaheart - 28/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Citrus Heights

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 722

You deserved it 181

By Sisterly Love - 02/01/2015 05:37 - United States - Saline

Today, my sister compared me handling the news of recently being told that I have a devastating and very possibly fatal autoimmune disease, to that of a teenager being melodramatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 031

You deserved it 2 816

By speechless - 01/06/2013 00:50 - United Kingdom - Wallasey

Today, at the supermarket, an old lady asked for directions to the produce aisle. Having read way too many stories lately on this very site about awful elderly folks, I was wary, but helped her out. She gave me an awkward hug in thanks, lifting my wallet in the process, as I later found out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 032

You deserved it 6 076

The main characters

By sarsuela - 08/07/2021 04:01

Today, we gave my in-laws-to-be our wedding invitations. Their first reaction was to assume we needed money and told us they couldn't help pay for the wedding. Their second move was to book hair and make-up for themselves. Congratulations? FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 86

Alexa, play "Dream baby Dream" by Suicide

By Anonymous - 25/03/2021 18:01 - Australia

Today, I awoke from a bizarre dream where I, a man, was pregnant. If that wasn’t weird enough, when I gave birth, it was a pug puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 121

By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 23:26

Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 571

You deserved it 15 077

Nice pic

By Anonymous - 17/01/2020 05:00

Today, for the first time in my life, I sent a member pic to a girl I had been talking to for a few days on Snapchat. (she had asked me for it). She saw the pic, and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 806

You deserved it 931

By Anonymous - 03/05/2016 21:47 - United States - Eugene

Today, I got off work early to go home and surprise my girlfriend with lunch, only to come home to her in the middle of packing up all of her stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 845

You deserved it 1 260

By Anon - 26/12/2015 02:03 - United States

Today, I thought my mom and I could put aside our differences and open our Christmas presents. When she opened mine, she turned to my dad and said she didn't want the present, so I could give it to someone else. 'Tis the season. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 457

You deserved it 1 371

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 03:25 - France

Today, I was so bored, I sewed my name into my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 524

You deserved it 13 844

By Anonymous - 27/05/2014 19:26 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was at a bar, when a heavily drunk guy came up to me and slurred "Fuucckkk lady, your face... not even with beer goggles!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 704

You deserved it 5 478

By Anonymous - 04/01/2014 06:06 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my daughter started speaking with hashtags. I told her to knock it off, to which she replied, "You don't get it, mom - hashtag white girl probs." Hashtag FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 447

You deserved it 6 370

By finallyready - 08/01/2013 19:56 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I discovered after 11 months, my girlfriend is finally ready to have sex. I discovered this by walking in on her and one of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 003

You deserved it 4 647

By OPforonepiece - 19/02/2016 14:38 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I was talking to a customer and I actually fell asleep for a couple of seconds. I can honestly say she wouldn't stop talking and didn't even notice me snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 050

You deserved it 2 810

By littlestardramaq - 06/07/2010 03:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I got an email from my cousin to "save the date" for her baby shower. It's on my 21st birthday. This is the same cousin who got engaged on my 18th. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 519

You deserved it 4 338

Dingus

By ghhhhhhh - 28/12/2021 08:01

Today, a side effect of my new medicine is uncontrollable itching. To “help”, my boyfriend gave me itching powder. When I got mad, he claimed he thought itching powder was used to combat itching. What? FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 131

Bad timing

By marie12 - 27/03/2011 01:19 - Belgium

Today, I had dinner with three friends to forget about the painful break up with my boyfriend. The first friend announced that she and her boyfriend had just bought a house, the second one that he was no longer single, and the third one revealed that she was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 374

You deserved it 5 070

By Anonymous - 02/10/2010 13:12 - Australia

Today, I was at the beach with my parents. They were walking hand in hand, when they spotted a crab. My Dad turned to my Mum and said "Oh, must've crawled out of my pubes!" they both laughed and kissed. I don't think they realized I was within hearing distance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 838

You deserved it 3 832

By ronboy - 26/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to be responsible and call a cab to take my drunk ass home from the bar. As I climbed into the cab, I was quickly pulled back out and had the shit beaten out of me by a group of drunk guys who thought they needed the ride more. The police soon arrived and arrested us all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 664

You deserved it 2 795

By Anonymous - 07/10/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, after we got home from the doctor's office, my mom checked the voicemail. Loud and clear, we both heard my boyfriend's break-up message. My parents had already forbidden me from dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 629

You deserved it 27 657

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 05:07 - New Zealand

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 739

You deserved it 12 083

By reallyson? - 12/01/2015 05:28 - United States - South Hadley

Today, I got undressed in front of my boyfriend for the first time. His reaction? "You're chubbier than I expected". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 391

You deserved it 4 717

Cursed

By IHaveATypeAparently - 25/07/2021 06:01

Today, I found out one of my exes is trans. I’m very happy for her, but I’m starting to think I have the wrong type, as I have had 3 ex-boyfriends come out as gay and 3 come out at trans right after breaking up. I really hope my current boyfriend doesn’t have a secret. FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 145

By Anonymous - 05/09/2016 16:23 - United States - Albany

Today, discovered that all the viruses I have gotten on my computer at work haven't been from anything I've done, but because my boss has secretly been using it after hours to download or watch porn so he wouldn't risk getting a virus on his own computer. I've lost 3 major projects due to this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 972

You deserved it 898

By pissedandcomputerless - 07/11/2013 18:42 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 978

You deserved it 8 662

Hangry

By Jago - 12/08/2021 03:01

Today, I'm running so fucking low on money, I have to go to the supermarket to eat free bites of ham, cheese and whatever they have on their aisles for breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 895

You deserved it 96

By Noname - 17/03/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I came back to my appartment to find that I couldn't watch certain channels on my tv. When I called the tv company I found out my parents had put a 'parental block' on all my favorite channels. Im 22 and rent an appartment with my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98 481

You deserved it 7 844

By icyrebel25 - 12/11/2013 23:57 - United States - Mckinney

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 889

You deserved it 5 221

By gengiskarn69 - 12/03/2012 14:55 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 955

You deserved it 38 569

You're back!

By Anonymous - 05/04/2011 00:17 - Ireland

Today, I heard that one of our customers had passed away. Saddened, I told everyone who came into our shop about his death. Understandably, some customers got very upset and one even fainted. Suddenly, the "dead" man walked into the shop. Turns out I got the name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 163

You deserved it 42 120

By screwed - 30/07/2009 03:20 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I was crying because my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. That wasn't why I was crying. My mom knows things before I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 955

You deserved it 3 061

By random - 23/10/2013 22:41 - United States - Amarillo

Today, while working as a paramedic, we got called to an assisted living home. The medical emergency? The woman had a leak in her bathroom and wanted it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 115

You deserved it 2 588

We finally made it

By Depression... - 10/10/2012 06:01 - United States

Today, I had my first orgasm. Unfortunately, it was during breakup sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 067

You deserved it 9 099

Bad thought

By Anonymous - 24/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Longmont

Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 190

Wipe out

By Anonymous - 25/11/2021 02:00

Today, I was walking up the stairs with my lunch in hand. I slipped and I dropped my plate, the rice and curry down fell down the stairs, while also spilling the water in my other hand. The wallpaper and carpet stairs are now stained. FML

I agree, your life sucks 724

You deserved it 223

You tried

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 05:01 - United States - Gilbert

Today, after thinking my crush maybe liked me back, I confessed. He didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 81

Sorry Danny de Vito…

By Anonymous - 28/05/2021 14:00

Today, I met my celebrity crush in an official capacity, I was completely tongue tied and when I stood to shake her hand, I tripped and fell with my face in her cleavage. She thought it was funny, but I was mortified and my boss suspended me until security footage proves I didn’t do it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 034

You deserved it 138

Fucking Facebook memories

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 23:03 - Canada

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 741

You deserved it 188

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Top comments

PixelNoob 11

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:07

It seems like after five years, she'd know you well enough to recognize that it was a gag gift. Unless you've just told her to get back in the kitchen one too many times and she finally snapped...

mk58 31

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:05

Let me guess, she made you shove it up your ass.

storyofthemonth 0

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:03

Happy anniversary? Also, why does it say "and engagement ring?"

BadReputation 0

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:07

-facepalm-

ceddyz17 10

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:03

Well they kinda go together

ripgeorgecarl1n 7

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:18

No cooking? No jewelry. XD

LePwnapple 0

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:44

You let a woman beat you up? Pathetic, show her who's boss, domestic abuse FTW

Levvy 22

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:54

Yes, Pwnapple. I am sure he, like everyone who is a victim of violence, was only hospitalized because he chose to be. And if anyone ever hurts you, you better not complain, because that means you chose it too.

LouisianaBob 9

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Thursday 20 October 2011 17:03

Don't worry OP your concussion got a laugh out of me

yoursucklives 36

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Thursday 20 October 2011 22:09

i'm prepared for negative thumbs, so i'm just gonna say it: i'm from austria too and i love reading fmls from where i live. and i think it's funny what you did. but if i was your girlfriend i wouldn't be too amused either!

yasmineo16 0

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Friday 21 October 2011 12:44

Don't mess with the ladies!

ohSNAPyall 26

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Saturday 22 October 2011 17:28

No jewelry? No cooking.

rcbarnes 24

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Saturday 25 February 2012 9:00

...and concussions, too. :-P

BadReputation 0

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:04

Pwnd.

That0therguy 4

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Thursday 20 October 2011 19:00

No.

franniedottp 8

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Friday 21 October 2011 0:48

Only if it was a headshot.

skullcandifiedDJ 5

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Monday 24 October 2011 3:46

you should've got her some chill pills instead...

mk58 31

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:05

Let me guess, she made you shove it up your ass.

IntoTheClouds 42

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:55

The way I saw it in moderation is that he had a black eye and a broken nose, or something along those lines.

Braginskyyy 6

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Thursday 20 October 2011 17:41

It's amazing how reading one comment can probably give you horrible nightmares for weeks.

Daralea 21

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Thursday 20 October 2011 17:47

Good news! OP now has store credit at an expensive jewelry store. Bad news: there is no return policy for those 5 years.

Eggers 2

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Thursday 20 October 2011 17:47

are you new to the internet 51?

mk58 31

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Thursday 20 October 2011 18:34

51, I'm guessing you haven't heard about DocBastard's patient who had a coke bottle stuck up there.

DreBeezy 9

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Thursday 20 October 2011 20:36

Lol your picture totally goes with your comment.

storyofthemonth 0

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:06

Wow, it said "and engagement ring" and my comment about it got deleted :/

laden_swallow09 34

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:07

Giving her a weapon for a gift… How else didja think it was going to end up? lols

pitchblease 2

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Thursday 20 October 2011 17:38

That's why she didn't get a waffle iron!

RedPillSucks 31

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Thursday 20 October 2011 17:54

Brilliant gift idea #47 "Honey, go in the kitchen and make me a samich for our anniversary. By the way, I left you a loaded gun as an anniversary gift. Where the @&%$! is my samich??!!"

artprincess 0

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Friday 21 October 2011 2:31

love ur pic

PixelNoob 11

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Thursday 20 October 2011 16:07

It seems like after five years, she'd know you well enough to recognize that it was a gag gift. Unless you've just told her to get back in the kitchen one too many times and she finally snapped...