Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it... - FML

By shitballs_911 - 7/10/2009 11:13 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML

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Don't shoot the messenger

Live dumping

Fairytale ending

By sunil - 13/6/2014 22:53 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my 8-year-old son microwaved his pet hamster. FML

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By probably_the_ex_now - 18/8/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML

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By TrueScotsman - 29/10/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2012 17:01 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2014 02:18 - United States - Bronx

Today, while eating cotton candy, a drunk person came up to me and said "HEY! COTTON CANDY!" And bit me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2010 16:29 - United Kingdom

Today, if it wasn't already embarrassing enough to tell my boyfriend I was on my period, I had to explain what a period is in the first place, how it works, and why it means nothing can happen during that time of the month. He's twenty. FML

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By Frank - 17/8/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 07:48 - Australia

Today, I awkwardly had to comfort my 32 year old friend when he broke down crying in the middle of a crowded McDonald's. Apparently they no longer serve barbecue bacon cheeseburgers. FML

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By nick - 24/12/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, the horn in my car decided to malfunction. It honked continuously for an hour as I drove down the highway. FML

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By bodyelectric - 13/4/2009 12:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML

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By Teste - 15/7/2015 10:25 - Spain

Today, I passed by a cute girl who was staring intensely at me. When I glanced in her direction, she smiled. Taking this as a positive sign, I approached her. Before I could say anything, she handed me a flyer explaining the benefits of STD testing. Apparently, I look like I need it. FML

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By copshop - 10/11/2011 11:40 - United States

Today, I was working the graveyard shift as a security guard. I fell asleep in my car doing paperwork around 2 am. When my supervisor came to check on me, he pounded on my window, wearing a "Scream" mask. I panicked and pepper sprayed him. Too bad my window was closed. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 17:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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By Bob - 12/11/2010 03:55 - United States

Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML

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By leonieNL - 12/8/2010 14:50 - Netherlands

Today, I got back from a 3 and a half week trip to South Africa to do volunteer work with children in townships. My parents forgot to pick me up, and I had to sit there by myself and wait for them, while 80 people of the same organization got loving hugs from their proud parents. FML

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By Snufflopagus - 1/1/2014 13:26 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that sometimes my nipples taste like onions. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 17:00

The walls have ears

Today, I went out for lunch with one of my co-workers. After work, I talked to one of my friends about how unpleasant the lunch was with him. My co-worker was standing behind me listening in the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2019 02:30

Family coincidence

Today with a DNA test, I found out that my husband is my half brother. 30 years ago his father made a donation to the sperm bank my mother used, and I’m the result. To make matters worse, I’m pregnant. FML

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By CHEERS, TUMBLTARD - 13/9/2013 21:31

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

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By vikingunicorn - 3/2/2011 12:52 - Canada

Today, I parked three streets away despite the ungodly cold. I did this because in the past, on my street, I have had my car keyed, my tires slashed, and my side view mirror ripped off. When I went back out to my car, I found that someone had broken off my windshield wipers. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2015 12:26 - United States - San Bruno

Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML

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By Gamergirl137 - 16/1/2016 02:28 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend and we passed the shop where my ex works at. My boyfriend slapped my ass right as my ex came out. It was so sudden that I started choking on a fry and dropped soda all over myself. My ex kept laughing all while my boyfriend kept apologizing. FML

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By Help Me - 18/1/2015 03:45 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I saw a little old lady trying to cross the street. I went over and tried to help her. Turned out she was actually just a really short young woman. As soon as I took her arm, she screamed in front of everyone and accused me of trying to molest her. FML

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By snowman - 6/2/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, right before a huge snowstorm hit our area, I broke up with my girlfriend. In her fury, she decided to grab my car keys and roll down all four windows in my car. I now have 2 feet of half melted snow in my backseat. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 04:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

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By aragmir - 18/12/2016 06:10 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

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By padthaimeanoose - 19/7/2015 03:29 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant. We both got food poisoning and spent the entire evening alternately running to the bathroom while pretending that we were fine. FML

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By ummPORQUE - 7/5/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me 'baby.' FML

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By authorx - 27/6/2013 04:39 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while driving during rush hour, I was singing so loudly that some jackass in the car next to me felt he should get my attention by throwing a wadded-up McDonald's bag through my open window, hitting me in the face with it, and telling me to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2014 22:20 - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

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By mugres22 - 17/8/2013 05:11 - United States - Pacoima

Today, while in the restroom washing my hands, a girl decided to let one rip while in the stall. When she came out she gave me a dirty look of disgust and said, "At least wait until I leave." She and I were the only ones in the restroom. FML

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By ilikemusicokay - 8/8/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. Since I knew it would take a while, I brought my iPod in for entertainment. To bad it disabled me from hearing the continuous knocks on the door as well as the manager eventually picking the lock and busting in. FML

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By fucked - 24/8/2014 20:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2015 13:27 - United Kingdom - Tranent

Today, I was invited to my friend's wedding. I wouldn't mind, but she chose her now fiancé over me, despite him being in prison for assault, a heroin addict and a general dick. This was all because I accidentally called her stupid three years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2011 22:09 - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get fitted for a new bra since mine weren't fitting properly. To my amazement, I wasn't a 32A, but a 32AA. I might as well have craters on my chest. FML

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By needurlove - 15/4/2012 06:49 - United States - Sandpoint

Today, I introduced my Spanish friend to a girl I've had a crush on for a long time. Because he only spoke Spanish and she only spoke English, I was the translator. The first thing he said to her was, "You are really pretty." I translated it as "I like other men." Later, they found out. FML

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By ilovemypup - 31/10/2016 11:20

Today, while at my job in a candy store, a boy stuck his hand into the bin, contaminating the candy. As I politely explained that the dad had to purchase the affected candy he refused, yelled, then angrily agreed to buy them. The total cost of the candy with the extra pieces? $1.69. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2018 17:30

Today, I came home from a long business trip. I walked in the front door to see my house was a complete mess.The first thing my son said was "Did you bring pizza?" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 10:38 - United States

Today, I cleaned my house after a big party. Everything was great when my parents came home. Except for the bottle of hot and spicy mustard next to the shampoo in the shower. No one knows how it got there. I'm busted because of mustard. FML

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By probably single - 29/5/2015 18:28 - Denmark - Gram

Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas. Too bad the second ticket isn't for me. I guess her ex-boyfriend will have a wonderful time with her. FML

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Top comments

By Dusa_fml | 0

#608840 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:02

Oh man that sucks major but is hella funny, sorry man. XD

By Mr_Tuff_Guy | 0

#608863 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:11

GET TO THE CHOPPA!

Comments

By Dusa_fml | 0

#608840 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:02

Oh man that sucks major but is hella funny, sorry man. XD

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#609077 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:24

yeah...at least they said sorry :-

Reply

cackle | 0

#609079 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:26

pwnt

Reply

Nirvana99 | 0

#609208 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 23:26

that sucks

Reply

gizmo_987 | 0

#609384 - Thursday 8 October 2009 0:46

Not only did you miss an orgy, but you got ambushed as well? Man, FYL.

Reply

AlexZB | 0

#609416 - Thursday 8 October 2009 1:07

at least they didn't abandon you

Reply

stone_light | 0

#609448 - Thursday 8 October 2009 1:27

Boom! Headshot!!!

Reply

IamSpartacus | 0

#609767 - Thursday 8 October 2009 3:58

LOL, I can't think of a reasonable situation where you WOULDN'T NOTICE 20 people behind bushes and trees near you. They must be pretty sneeky.

Reply

will90 | 5

#610617 - Thursday 8 October 2009 19:36

Lol #67 "It was my friend's birthday and we were doing it in a forest nearby"

Reply

kisseshugsdrugs | 5

#611062 - Friday 9 October 2009 1:12

ive played paintball and been hit, it sucks..but ITS PAINTBALL. im not an idiot im stating fact you cunt. this is actually a reply to #67 idk why its up here.

Reply

sicpupyz122 | 0

#885561 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 17:08

ow

Reply

LegitDGK | 0

#1020901 - Saturday 5 June 2010 22:09

ok it hurts but did they specifically wait to do it just to u or wud they have done it to any1 and if they did do that only 2 u then is it bcuz they hate u or just bcuz they thought it wud be funny 2 do 2 u

Reply

bobnorris | 0

#1039720 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 23:39

at least you got laid

Reply

astarwarsfan | 0

#1074941 - Friday 9 July 2010 6:11

it would seem that everybodys doing it these days

By n0lovesongs | 0

#608847 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:05

Hahahaha thats excellent.

By TheTruth1428 | 0

#608853 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:07

YDI for being late.

By sumdoode123 | 0

#608855 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:08

haha thats really funny. FYL though.

By neverbr | 0

#608857 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:08

ROFL hahaha

By cuteguyoO | 0

#608862 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:11

did it hurt....? lol

By Mr_Tuff_Guy | 0

#608863 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:11

GET TO THE CHOPPA!

Reply

nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#609103 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:40

GET DOWWN!

Reply

fuzzybrownbear | 0

#609516 - Thursday 8 October 2009 1:58

NOW!!!!!

Reply

N0VASURG3 | 0

#1987084 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 23:18

nice

Reply

adrielrao | 3

#2611374 - Friday 3 June 2011 8:41

mw2

By actorkidrox | 0

#608868 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:16

Greatest friends ever.

By Incubuss | 0

#608872 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:20

Haha, you have funny friends.

By 22jrdn55 | 15

#608878 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:21

hahahha ur friends r da greatest