Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it... - FML

By shitballs_911 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML

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Messed up

No smoking

Yeah, fuck the poor

By Please go home

Today, has been the third week my boyfriend's best friend has been sleeping on our bedroom floor because he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions back at his parents' place. My boyfriend sees no problem with this, and says he can stay and live off us as long as he wants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stamford

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

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By BKCK4187 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

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By AllergyRidden - United States

Today, my Mom and I found out that we're allergic to the wood my Dad has been making fires with. She can't see, I can't breathe. FML

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By so scared - Canada - Barrie

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 17:01 - United States - Columbus

Vampires are everywhere

Today, at 1:30 a.m., a big ass bat squeezed its nasty body through the bottom crack of the door. My sweet little Corgi cowered on the bed as the bat flew circles around my head. I'll be moving now. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 01:01 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Facebook political debates

Today, I found out that my father uses, "You eat poo for breakfast!" as a comeback during political arguments on Facebook. He’s 60. FML

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By LukeyBoy - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the road when a twat on a quad-bike smashed into my leg. It seems that I should've been "walking on the right side of the pavement." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 17:02

Boundaries

Today, I took my new girl out on a date after work. Ten minutes later, my ex-wife, her new boyfriend and my daughter showed up at the same restaurant and decided a double date would be fun. My ex lives an hour away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my boyfriend I love him. Being dumped wasn't the reaction I was expecting. FML

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By melon squash - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

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By rissalynn

Today, my boyfriend's mother called me lazy. Her days consist of sitting on her couch watching Fox News. I'm a college athlete who also has a part-time job, yet I'm the lazy one. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start our conversations with "HEY SLUT" or "HEY WHORE" etc. It wasn't my sister. However, her boyfriend's mom has a great first impression of me. FML

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By :( - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner and have to leave in shame. FML

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By oxymorons - United States

Today, I checked the camera I set up to find out who has been stealing my prescription painkillers: my wife, my daughter or my son. Turns out they all are. FML

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By thesockmancometh - United States

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML

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By Blake Lawrence - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be cute to leave a love letter in my car while I was at work. She left my lights on. I got a dead battery. FML

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By sal - 27/9/2020 05:02 - Canada

Unloveable

Today, I adopted a cat, thinking it would make my life a little less lonely. Within an hour, the cat ran away. Not even animals want to be around me. FML

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By highlydisgusted - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I went on a first date. He left me standing at a bus stop while he took a dump in some bushes. FML

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By Lightlysalted

Today, I was invited to a special meal for receiving a scholarship from my college. My mom refuses to take me because “your sister’s going there too and didn’t get a scholarship; it wouldn’t be fair to her.” I guess fairness doesn’t apply to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went on another date with a guy I've had a crush on for a long time. Afterwards, we went back to my place for the first time and things got heated. While taking my pants off, he recoiled and asked if I thought it was still No Shave November. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car key clicker wouldn't let me in. After a few frustrating minutes, I realized that, besides electronic capabilities, it's also an actual key that fits in a hole to unlock my door. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife read a Facebook article about how oral sex can lead to mouth and/or throat infections, and is now avoiding all forms of sex, in case my penis happens to give her the bubonic plague. FML

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By Carnage23 - Germany - Essen

Today, my coworker and I announced that we are spending our holidays together, because we both have kids. My boss announced he is coming with us. FML

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By Emily 1992 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, and for the past 3 days, I've had a massive migraine. It finally went away while I was at work, thanks to my nose bleeding all over the place. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequin's ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then I slapped it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML

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By liLbob6598 - United States

Today, I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house. FML

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By JackSteely

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don't return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

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By Pinkie - United States

Today, I had to announce to the whole house that I was going the bathroom, because the lock on the door is broken. Before I had the chance to wipe, my dad loudly burst through the door, stark bollock naked, to take a shower. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lowell

Today, I caught my boyfriend stealing money from my purse. He tried to turn it on me by claiming I'll owe him for the flowers he'll get me on Valentine's Day, then tried to make me feel guilty by saying the whole thing is for "selfish bitches anyway". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 05:00 - United States

Drama abounds

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years threatened to break up with me because when she came by my work, she saw me talking to another girl. The girl was a trainee. I'm the boss of the company, so it's my responsibility to train new people. FML

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By get me out of this house! - United States

Today, my grandma begins her second week of unemployment. So far, she has paced outside my door, randomly comes into my room, and I woke up this morning to find a bible on my bed. I now look forward to going to work every day. FML

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By sneezeattack - United States - Aurora

Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering an urge to sneeze. FML

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By pornstorebitch

Knock yourself out, dude

Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

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By hamster cookie - France

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

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By ShitHappens - United States

Today, while on the phone with my boyfriend, I really needed to poop. Badly. He was in the middle of telling a story, so I figured I could get away with muting the phone while on the toilet. Halfway through, he suddenly went silent. I forgot to mute the phone. FML

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By Nakdnathan - United States

Today, I got written up for not making a drink right. While getting yelled at by my boss, my co-worker made the drink the same exact way I made it. I pointed it out. My boss responded with, "He is allowed to because I like him, I don't like you." FML

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By Nobody - United States

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I still can't get my ex out of my house. It's been a year and he, "refuses to give up on something special." FML

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Top comments

By Dusa_fml | 0

#608840 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:02

Oh man that sucks major but is hella funny, sorry man. XD

By Mr_Tuff_Guy | 0

#608863 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:11

GET TO THE CHOPPA!

COMMENTS

By Dusa_fml | 0

#608840 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:02

Oh man that sucks major but is hella funny, sorry man. XD

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#609077 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:24

yeah...at least they said sorry :-

Reply

cackle | 0

#609079 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:26

pwnt

Reply

Nirvana99 | 0

#609208 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 23:26

that sucks

Reply

gizmo_987 | 0

#609384 - Thursday 8 October 2009 0:46

Not only did you miss an orgy, but you got ambushed as well? Man, FYL.

Reply

AlexZB | 0

#609416 - Thursday 8 October 2009 1:07

at least they didn't abandon you

Reply

stone_light | 0

#609448 - Thursday 8 October 2009 1:27

Boom! Headshot!!!

Reply

IamSpartacus | 0

#609767 - Thursday 8 October 2009 3:58

LOL, I can't think of a reasonable situation where you WOULDN'T NOTICE 20 people behind bushes and trees near you. They must be pretty sneeky.

Reply

will90 | 5

#610617 - Thursday 8 October 2009 19:36

Lol #67 "It was my friend's birthday and we were doing it in a forest nearby"

Reply

kisseshugsdrugs | 5

#611062 - Friday 9 October 2009 1:12

ive played paintball and been hit, it sucks..but ITS PAINTBALL. im not an idiot im stating fact you cunt. this is actually a reply to #67 idk why its up here.

Reply

sicpupyz122 | 0

#885561 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 17:08

ow

Reply

LegitDGK | 0

#1020901 - Saturday 5 June 2010 22:09

ok it hurts but did they specifically wait to do it just to u or wud they have done it to any1 and if they did do that only 2 u then is it bcuz they hate u or just bcuz they thought it wud be funny 2 do 2 u

Reply

bobnorris | 0

#1039720 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 23:39

at least you got laid

Reply

astarwarsfan | 0

#1074941 - Friday 9 July 2010 6:11

it would seem that everybodys doing it these days

By n0lovesongs | 0

#608847 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:05

Hahahaha thats excellent.

By TheTruth1428 | 0

#608853 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:07

YDI for being late.

By sumdoode123 | 0

#608855 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:08

haha thats really funny. FYL though.

By neverbr | 0

#608857 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:08

ROFL hahaha

By cuteguyoO | 0

#608862 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:11

did it hurt....? lol

By Mr_Tuff_Guy | 0

#608863 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:11

GET TO THE CHOPPA!

Reply

nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#609103 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:40

GET DOWWN!

Reply

fuzzybrownbear | 0

#609516 - Thursday 8 October 2009 1:58

NOW!!!!!

Reply

N0VASURG3 | 0

#1987084 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 23:18

nice

Reply

adrielrao | 3

#2611374 - Friday 3 June 2011 8:41

mw2

By actorkidrox | 0

#608868 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:16

Greatest friends ever.

By Incubuss | 0

#608872 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:20

Haha, you have funny friends.

By 22jrdn55 | 15

#608878 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:21

hahahha ur friends r da greatest