Miscellaneous: Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it... - FML

By shitballs_911 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML

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There's no helping some people

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Fresh air

By taperjeangirl - United States

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

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By Music Lover - 7/11/2020 05:01 - United States - San Jose

Bum note

Today, after entering a conservatory of music, I've worked really hard on my academic subjects to past through the exam, so my major is pretty weak. After practising 6 hours a day for three weeks, my teacher asked me to change my major and said I'm the worst student she's ever seen. And there‘s nowhere I can go. FML

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By WTF, guys? - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my fourth day of my trip to the USA. I've actually started keeping count of the number of times people get confused because I was born in South Africa and yet am not black. Current count: 9. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom went to grab my sheets off my bed. I said that I would do it, to which she responded, "Calm down, it's not like I've never seen 'spludge' before." FML

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By Faithy - United States

Today, I got flustered because my hair straightener wasn't working. It took me fifteen minutes to realize I hadn't turned it on. FML

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By frmitalywithlove - United States

Today, my coworker thought it would be funny to throw my keys up onto the top shelf in storage. I'm 4'10. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML

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By zitgirl - United States

Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML

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By stupidcunt - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I was looking at the map on my phone whilst walking down a street. I heard the sound of a bike behind me so I moved to let the cyclist past. He snatched the phone out of my hand and sped off. FML

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By unicorn_skies - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, I bought a new, expensive dress for a date. I left the tag on and hidden in hopes of returning it later. Someone saw it and ripped it off for me to "save me from embarrassment." FML

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By itsthebestdayoftheyear - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, after 3 years of hard work, very little vacation and no raises, our boss got us a crappy box of drug store cookies as an employee appreciation gift. Which he ended up eating. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had money set out to pay bills, for a gift, and to put in a card as my cousin's wedding gift. I was rushing and not paying attention and ended up putting all of the money in the wedding card. $400 from one person. I guess I'll have no cable or cell phone this month. FML

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By wth? - United Kingdom - Rotherham

Today, my cousin started sending sarcastic love messages to me. I replied, with even cheesier lines. Then she rang me saying she was so glad I felt the same way. Turns out she wasn't being sarcastic. FML

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By jk2010 - Israel

Today, I finally removed my car insurance after realizing it costs too much money. Since I then had more money, I went to celebrate with ice cream. On the way, I got hit by a truck. FML

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By blaahh - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

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By trauma is hilarious - 31/10/2020 17:59 - United States

CPTSD

Today, I was telling my new boyfriend some of my funny family stories. He gave me the most concerned look and asked honestly, “Have you ever thought about going to therapy?” Apparently the stories I told him not only weren’t funny, but pretty damn scary to him. Now he thinks I’m crazy. FML

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By CrappyValentine - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

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By lol - 28/10/2020 09:57

Waze?

Today, while working as an Uber driver, I asked my passenger for directions and she didn’t know. She was going to her own house. FML

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By tftm - United States - Elmhurst

Today, my uncle keeps spamming me on Facebook with friend suggestions. Most of them are people he met on porn sites. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was at a party, when the cops busted us. Since I'm underage, I hid behind a chair for an hour and a half while they breathalyzed everyone and sat them in the same room I was in. The cops left, everyone realized I was behind the chair, and now my nickname is "Anne Frank". FML

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By I have Flashbacks Now - United States - Woonsocket

Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML

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By uglyone - United Kingdom

Today, I was going out with my supermodel-gorgeous friend, so I put extra effort into looking good. I thought I looked pretty good, but when we got to the station, a drunk old man looked at us and loudly announced "That's always the way it is, there's a fit one and an ugly one". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my dad why it is important for him to clear the browsing history after watching sexual explicit material on the family computer. FML

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By halloweensucks - United States

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Tranent

Today, I was invited to my friend's wedding. I wouldn't mind, but she chose her now fiancé over me, despite him being in prison for assault, a heroin addict and a general dick. This was all because I accidentally called her stupid three years ago. FML

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By Gosh Darn Phone Thief - 11/12/2020 23:02

Get 'em!

Today, somebody grabbed my phone out of my hands and ran away with it. I'm a cross country runner, albeit one with stress fractures, but I was able to catch up with them and get my phone back. Unfortunately, the running aggravated my stress fractures and I have to get a plaster cast. Merry fricking Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 20:01

Stuck

Today, my grandma and her neighbor compared their sports bras in front of me. FML

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By juliet - Canada

Today, my theatre teacher made me go on stage even though I had a violent stomach flu. My understudies were unreachable, and she threatened to fail me if I did not perform. Halfway through the first act, I vomited on the first row. She failed me for letting the cast down. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I was very sick and kept throwing up. I took a shower after every time I threw up. While in the shower after I threw up, I had to throw up again, so I got out and ran to the toilet. I slipped on the tile, broke my nose on the floor, and then threw up. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the man I've been dating for four months said he could see I had feelings for him, and he was mad because it made things complicated. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I told the man my girlfriend has been cheating on me with all about her infidelity. He didn't get angry; he just said that he knew, that they were in an open relationship, and that I was pretty stupid to have not figured it out sooner. FML

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By wilsmith - China

Today, while in the elevator with the girl from my office that I've been crushing on, but never spoken to, I said "aren't elevators awkward?" After a long silence, she got off three floors before our office. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML

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By Cupcakes - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my boyfriend said he felt like eating icing. So I baked him cupcakes, put icing on them and decorated them. When I handed them to him, he picked off the decoration, licked the icing and handed the cupcake back to me, saying, "I told you that's all I wanted." FML

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By sydstreet - United States - Arlington

Today, my anxiety was so bad that when I was riding my bike on the side walk and two pedestrians came walking in the opposite direction, I got so nervous about having to go between them or accidentally hitting them that I fell off my bike, into a bush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running a marathon. I stopped to massage my stiff legs, when an elderly spectator taunted, "Oohhh yeah, that's it! Massage those legs good, boy!" She looked about 70. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 06:58 - United Kingdom - Halesowen

Thanks for the support

Today, I felt suicidal and told my mum I was going to hang myself from my curtain rod. All she cared about was the rod possibly coming loose and damaging the wall. FML

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By depressedkiwi - 15/7/2020 08:01

Weight watcher

Today, I found out my mother-in-law is trying to force me to lose weight, even though I am trying, and have a medical condition. FML

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By PharmSlave - United States - Marysville

Today, my boss told me I ask too many questions and that's why they cut my hours in half. Officially, I'm a "Pharmacy Technician in Training", which means I'm trying to teach myself how to do the job without killing someone. All from on the job experience and an outdated textbook. FML

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By tired - United States

Today, my dad woke me up 3 hours early, after I had been up very late the night before, because something "awesome" happened. Apparently the cashier at Dunkin' Donuts and I share the same first name. Thanks Dad. FML

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Top comments

By Dusa_fml | 0

#608840 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:02

Oh man that sucks major but is hella funny, sorry man. XD

By Mr_Tuff_Guy | 0

#608863 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:11

GET TO THE CHOPPA!

COMMENTS

By Dusa_fml | 0

#608840 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:02

Oh man that sucks major but is hella funny, sorry man. XD

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#609077 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:24

yeah...at least they said sorry :-

Reply

cackle | 0

#609079 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:26

pwnt

Reply

Nirvana99 | 0

#609208 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 23:26

that sucks

Reply

gizmo_987 | 0

#609384 - Thursday 8 October 2009 0:46

Not only did you miss an orgy, but you got ambushed as well? Man, FYL.

Reply

AlexZB | 0

#609416 - Thursday 8 October 2009 1:07

at least they didn't abandon you

Reply

stone_light | 0

#609448 - Thursday 8 October 2009 1:27

Boom! Headshot!!!

Reply

IamSpartacus | 0

#609767 - Thursday 8 October 2009 3:58

LOL, I can't think of a reasonable situation where you WOULDN'T NOTICE 20 people behind bushes and trees near you. They must be pretty sneeky.

Reply

will90 | 5

#610617 - Thursday 8 October 2009 19:36

Lol #67 "It was my friend's birthday and we were doing it in a forest nearby"

Reply

kisseshugsdrugs | 5

#611062 - Friday 9 October 2009 1:12

ive played paintball and been hit, it sucks..but ITS PAINTBALL. im not an idiot im stating fact you cunt. this is actually a reply to #67 idk why its up here.

Reply

sicpupyz122 | 0

#885561 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 17:08

ow

Reply

LegitDGK | 0

#1020901 - Saturday 5 June 2010 22:09

ok it hurts but did they specifically wait to do it just to u or wud they have done it to any1 and if they did do that only 2 u then is it bcuz they hate u or just bcuz they thought it wud be funny 2 do 2 u

Reply

bobnorris | 0

#1039720 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 23:39

at least you got laid

Reply

astarwarsfan | 0

#1074941 - Friday 9 July 2010 6:11

it would seem that everybodys doing it these days

By n0lovesongs | 0

#608847 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:05

Hahahaha thats excellent.

By TheTruth1428 | 0

#608853 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:07

YDI for being late.

By sumdoode123 | 0

#608855 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:08

haha thats really funny. FYL though.

By neverbr | 0

#608857 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:08

ROFL hahaha

By cuteguyoO | 0

#608862 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:11

did it hurt....? lol

By Mr_Tuff_Guy | 0

#608863 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:11

GET TO THE CHOPPA!

Reply

nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#609103 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:40

GET DOWWN!

Reply

fuzzybrownbear | 0

#609516 - Thursday 8 October 2009 1:58

NOW!!!!!

Reply

N0VASURG3 | 0

#1987084 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 23:18

nice

Reply

adrielrao | 3

#2611374 - Friday 3 June 2011 8:41

mw2

By actorkidrox | 0

#608868 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:16

Greatest friends ever.

By Incubuss | 0

#608872 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:20

Haha, you have funny friends.

By 22jrdn55 | 15

#608878 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 20:21

hahahha ur friends r da greatest