Miscellaneous: Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods.... - FML

By Miss Spasticator - United States - Vancouver

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

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Proactive

Triage

Sounds lovely

By Anonymous - United States - Glasgow

Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

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By kal - United Kingdom

Today, on Facebook, I joined a group called "I want our relationship to last." My boyfriend commented "I don't." FML

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By bevo - Australia

Today, my date and I went to the movies. After the date, we were both on an instant chat room at our homes. Her personal message displayed "I think I love my ex again." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 02:02

Bass, how low can you go?

Today, I tried to study for my upcoming engineering exam. The class I’m in is notorious for being incredibly difficult and is oftentimes the reason for people dropping out of the major. Too bad the dudes in the apartment next to me have a subwoofer and keep playing music that has way too much bass. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was playing a game with my family where we had to say the name of an actor/actress that started with a certain letter. When I said mine, my dad grounded me because he knew it was a pornstar. Now my mom is mad at my dad for watching porn too. FML

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By Dave - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a plane returning to University, and I decided to shut my eyes. I opened them about 45 minutes later just as the plane landed to find I couldn't move at all. I was in sleep paralysis. The air hostesses had to lift me out of my seat. FML

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By SplashOuch - United States

Today, I was walking out of Starbucks when I sneezed, causing coffee to burn my nose. I screamed, dropped it, and sent scorching coffee all over my legs while dropping everything else I was holding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother told me to, "Stop bitching and get over it" after I complained of pain from my stomach after invasive surgery. This from the guy who spends multiple hours a day playing Halo and whining about the stupid ways he got killed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wallingford

Today, while despairing over having been rejected for my dream job, I received an email asking me to come back in for another interview. Then they called me to say they accidentally sent the email to all the applicants, and that they definitely aren't interested. FML

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By ohgodwhyfml - United States - Danbury

Today, a girl I'd been talking to all night actually wanted to come home with me. Stopped to buy condoms. Got home, clothes came off, took out a condom. "Sorry, I'm allergic to latex". She left in a cab. I'm a 27-year old virgin for another night and now have a box of condoms to remind me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was lost in a foreign city so I asked a girl for directions. She replied, "Directions? ONE DIRECTION!" and started screaming in my face and jumping around. FML

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By CantPublish - United States

Today, I saw a bug on a stranger's arm and as a knee-jerk reaction smacked it. It took me a second before I realized it was actually a loose scab. FML

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By JC - United States

Today, I was driving down the road when a dog suddenly runs across the street. In attempt to spare its life, I swerved to the side of the road and rear-ended another car. The car I hit belonged the family that owned the dog. Now I have to pay them because I saved their dog's life. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 02:01

We need details!

Today, was an absolute mess. It began with getting a towel caught on my nose ring and ended with my car catching on fire. FML

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By SinkyBalls - Canada

Today, I found out my roommate thinks the sink is an appropriate place to wash his junk. FML

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By spasti-cunt - Ireland

Today, I was on my way to my first job interview in months. I wasn't even halfway to the place when a bunch of cockbites in a car drove past and hurled a bucket of paint out the window, drenching me and several other people on the street. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

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By I'm just sick, really - United States - Springfield

Today, I felt sick to my stomach, so I told my mother I didn't want to eat dinner. She started accusing me of being anorexic, so I ate a little bit anyway to make her stop. I then threw up, only for her to take it as confirmation that I have an eating disorder. FML

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By ew - United States

Today, I noticed that my acne has gotten so bad, I can see it out of my peripheral vision. FML

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By BrittUnicorn - United States - Morristown

Today, I was having a dream about Chris Pratt. Instead of having a sexy dream that I would have enjoyed, I dreamt he was a supervisor at my work. He kept telling me how much I sucked. FML

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By Ian Artis - United States

Today, I walked too close to a first-aid kit sticking out of a wall at work, and it cut my arm. Laughing at the irony, I opened it to get a band aid out. It was empty. FML

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By chinousmc - United States - Clearwater

Today, I got punched in the face after a stranger asked for a light, didn't realize it was a butane lighter and burnt the tip of his nose lighting his cigarette. Now my nose looks worse than his. FML

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By uglyshoegirl - Canada - Brampton

Today, I sent a picture to my best friend of the shoes I want to wear to prom. She replied, "Wow those are so unique". I guess she forgot that last week she told me she only uses the word unique when she hates something. FML

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By not living happily ever after - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I deleted a load of junk that was messing up my mother's computer. I don't know how I'm going to tell her I accidentally wiped out all of her wedding photos. FML

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By hatetheroommate - United States

Today, I called the campus police "anonymously" while my roommate was away and told them about her weed stash because I was tired of her smoking in our room all the time. She had brought her weed to a friend's and got off scot-free. I have a hearing Monday for the adderall they found in my desk. FML

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By princessrose

Today, I asked the guy I share a desk with at work out because he has texted me a few times and seemed pretty into me. He said he doesn't date coworkers, even though the last 5 people he's dated have been coworkers. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom - Stafford

Today, my ex-fiancée's new boyfriend phoned me to ask what her ring size is. FML

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By stupid - United States

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

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By Studying is for crazy people. - United States - Stockton

Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I closed my book, I was so tired that I thought that my cat was asking me questions in Spanish. FML

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By i see fat people - Australia - Canberra

Today, I finally felt motivated to do some exercise. As I got my weights out, I noticed out of the corner of my eye someone moving about outside my window. I got scared and dropped a weight on my foot. The person outside was my own reflection. FML

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By lol123 - Norway

Today, it was the premiere of a huge play I've worked on for months. The latest week we've practised a lot, resulting in little sleep. In one of the scenes I'm just lying there pretending to be asleep. Guess who actually fell asleep? FML

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By secret_source - United States

Today, my first date consisted of him and me in the emergency room of the hospital after his little brother hit me in the face with a baseball bat. FML

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By TLT - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to celebrate our anniversary. He had a card written in crayon with my name spelled wrong, and a basket I had seen his mother throw in the trash filled with flower petals ripped from my mom's garden. Our anniversary was 3 days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - London

True romantic

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. During the act, he looked deep in to my eyes before whispering, "Up the arse next time?" FML

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By fianceeless - United States

Today, my extremely superstitious girlfriend called me and said she couldn't make it to the date I had planned tonight. Her reason? "I sense something horrible is going to happen." I was planning to propose. FML

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By scott - 10/6/2020 20:08

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH!

Today, my daughter had an anxiety attack. Why? Because I told her she needs to be making her bed every day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was walking on the street when a woman in front of me dropped a couple of dollars. I picked them up and chased her to return it all. She insisted that it wasn't hers. I tried to tell her it was, but she wouldn't accept it. A cop saw me and arrested me for solicitation. FML

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By jessmess - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I went to do the laundry at my hotel. I had just enough money for my two loads. After getting frustrated with the washer taking two of my quarters and giving no credit, I took the clothes out. The washer then locked the door shut and started without my clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told my parents I wanted to try modelling. I decided that since I have such a low self-esteem, that it might benefit me, and make me feel better about myself and how I look. The first thing out of my dad's mouth was, "What? Why? You're ugly." Thanks dad. FML

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Top comments

By icyfire617 | 10

#5085903 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:53

Moral of the story: don't go to parties in the woods.

By slimshadey | 5

#5085905 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:53

At least you weren't alone

COMMENTS

By EvilPotato | 14

#5085902 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:52

Look on the bright side, at least you got some exercise.

Reply

silvercamaro | 22

#5085998 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:14

Two heads are better than one

Reply

herpderpherpderp | 13

#5086131 - Saturday 27 October 2012 4:15

I'd say that the boyfriend is probably in a lot deeper shit than anyone else is.

Reply

CrewBoy | 10

#5086173 - Saturday 27 October 2012 4:37

Look on the even better side. You didn't drive home with a potential drunk driver.

Reply

vbmg152 | 18

#5086499 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:04

CrewBoy, Cute ferret! We've had as many as 10! Down to 1, now!

Reply

Roevera | 14

#5086778 - Saturday 27 October 2012 7:45

Unless OP's home is around 1km away. Then OP is just a pussy..

By icyfire617 | 10

#5085903 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:53

Moral of the story: don't go to parties in the woods.

Reply

yoyoforpeace | 14

#5085968 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:08

Perfect setting for a horror movie.

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5085981 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:10

Blair Witch did it best.

Reply

Warden1986 | 16

#5086042 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:30

#16 Yea, if you like having motion sickness.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5086046 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:33

Unless you're a constipated bear.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5086080 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:51

Nah, just toss a couple rolls of Charmin Ultra at him.

Reply

HiddenValley | 5

#5087593 - Saturday 27 October 2012 15:23

You can't trust a system!

Reply

shawnagreenbean1 | 9

#5099875 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 5:58

Ahahahaha right.

By slimshadey | 5

#5085905 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:53

At least you weren't alone

Reply

LiesAndMischief | 4

#5086487 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:03

Exactly. At least this isn't one of those FMLs where the best friend turns out to be a bitch and leaves the OP on their own.

By Drigr | 9

#5085912 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:55

Seems like you need better friends... Or friends with better boyfriends.

By Major_Whupass | 3

#5085913 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:55

Quick! Get in my van!

Reply

Major_Whupass | 3

#5086987 - Saturday 27 October 2012 10:17

Oh! I forgot! The candy is in my basement...

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5087065 - Saturday 27 October 2012 11:10

"that's not the type of fudge you said you were packing?!!"

Reply

Major_Whupass | 3

#5088360 - Saturday 27 October 2012 20:32

Uh... Take off your pants!

Reply

kittenvks | 11

#5089758 - Sunday 28 October 2012 6:33

I never do this, BUT I just want to point out how perfect your pic is for this comment :)

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5090148 - Sunday 28 October 2012 11:44

Thanks 71- was it the neck-brace?

By ambowew | 7

#5085917 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:55

On the bright side, you managed to get home and write this with the pages you found.

Slenderman finding you, he did not.

Reply

MindFreakazoid | 10

#5086104 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:58

Just don't look behind you.

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#5085927 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:57

Run, Forrest, Run!

By hqbrat | 8

#5085933 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:00

That is some crappy luck you got there

By MelTheGreat | 23

#5085944 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:02

Gotta get that cardio in somehow.

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5086690 - Saturday 27 October 2012 7:11

It is rule #1 after all.

By ninjadinos | 14

#5085950 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:05

Run, forest, run!

My bad! Didn't see somebody else said this.