Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods.... - FML

By Miss Spasticator - 26/10/2012 20:49 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

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Weird kid

Minefield

What did I do?

By Anonymous - 25/5/2019 12:08

Today, someone overheard my ex talking about ditching me with a year-long lease. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 12:00

Today, I have a gigantic zit inside my left nostril. Good news: no one can see it and no need for makeup on it. Bad news: my nose really itches, and I constantly feel like I'm about to sneeze it out like a foreign object. FML

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By sauce - 24/9/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML

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By exnotwelcome19 - 2/5/2011 01:05 - United States

Today, my mom told my abusive ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with 5 days ago, that he is always welcome at my house. She "misses him". FML

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By newlyengaged - 8/1/2017 18:11 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my mother excitedly jumped up and down, announcing that one of her sweet younger coworkers got engaged. I wished she'd had the same reaction to my engagement when I announced it to her a few days earlier. FML

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By Why - 18/12/2018 05:00

Today, I finally went to have blood taken for an allergy test I really need. Afterwards, I had an allergic reaction to the bandaid they used on my arm. FML

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By Chelsea - 21/4/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room and heard gunshots outside the apartment. I dove on the floor and started crying and screaming. My mom walked in and informed me that the sound was her making popcorn. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2009 16:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on our 2nd date. We decided to get to know each other with a game. I asked him what makes him nervous. He said "talking to really attractive girls." I then asked him if I was making him nervous. He said no. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2016 23:24 - United States - Winder

Today, my girl and I got in a huge fight. Because I cuddled with her the wrong way. While I was asleep. FML

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By ashley - 30/4/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, my sister had her batmitzvah. During the party, there is a tradition where the batmitzvah gets lifted on a chair, and so does her family. It was my turn after my sister's. I got in the chair. They couldn't lift me. FML

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By Sbfreak510 - 16/10/2009 16:30 - France

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work and I put on yesterday's jeans. While at my meeting an employee asked me if 'that' was mine and pointed to something on the floor next to me. Which was yesterday's underwear. FML

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By SleepIsForTheWeak - 19/3/2015 16:41 - Canada - St. John's

Today, I had to work a double shift after my relief called in "sick" just so he could go to a party. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 10:12 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving through town, I was distracted by a pretty girl walking on the nearby pavement and accidentally rear-ended the car in front of me. Not only did the pretty girl witness the crash and give a statement, it turned out she was a very feminine man. FML

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By stupidtoothpick2 - 16/8/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I spent hours trying to get a piece of food out of my two front teeth. I didn't have anything I could use, until I went out to dinner and got a toothpick. I finally got the food out of teeth. The toothpick broke. Now the tip of the toothpick is stuck in my teeth. FML

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By Ro - 5/10/2010 02:39 - United States

Today, my car was stolen. I got it back later without the engine, any of the wheels or my brand new radio and speakers. They even took my car mats. FML

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By JustLeaveThem - 25/1/2017 18:00

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

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By WithoutLove - 30/8/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I have to a love life is organizing my porn folder by category. FML

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By livin - 11/9/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out that on Wednesday, when I have 2 exams, I'm called to testify in court. If I go to court, I cannot make the exams. If I take the exams, I'll be held in contempt and arrested. FML

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By jaqen h'garrrhghhgfgjhfuck - 9/6/2014 21:45 - France - Toulon

Today, I was spinning some yarn around to make my new cat run in circles. After about 10 seconds, he stopped going in circles and went straight ahead, happily running several feet into the wall and knocking himself out. My bowel movements have more brain-power than this thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 14:03

Hairy situation

Today, after taking hair growth pills and using hair growth medicated shampoos, I have not seen any different in my thinning hair. Can't say the same about the hair sprouting on my knuckles, chin, and toes. My pubes are very thick, silky, and luscious thanks to the treatment. I'm a woman. FML

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By Broke Bitch - 5/5/2016 21:48 - United States - Albertville

Today, I went to buy some frozen yogurt. I filled up a cup and the cashier rung it up. The total price was $6.92. I only had $5 in my wallet. So I gave her the $5 bill and went to my car to get more money. Little did I know, there was no money in my car. So I drove off. Leaving the $5 behind. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2010 21:00 - United States

Today, I got fired for taking time off to see my sister in the hospital after she got in a car accident. Before I got fired, I found out my boss took time off because her horoscope said she should. FML

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By MamaMia - 25/11/2018 15:30

Today, I realized it isn’t my 5-month-old son who has the issue sleeping without me, it is I who cannot sleep without him. This is his first night in his crib and I can’t fall asleep. FML

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By forever damaged - 21/12/2015 04:24 - United States - Wallkill

Today, while I was working at a gas station, a man came up to the register with his zipper undone and his penis hanging out in full view. I had to awkwardly hand him his change while trying not to look or make eye contact. FML

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By sharon - 14/12/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, I was giving a presentation at work, when I said, "But we could care less about that." My boss asked if I meant, "Couldn't care less." Wanting to avoid embarrassment, I tried to think up an excuse, only to end up blurting that it was my phone's auto-correct. FML

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By notsexy - 9/5/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

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By saqmuel093 - 18/1/2015 19:44 - Malaysia - Tatau

Today, I ran out of cash. The nearest ATM to my house is over a half hour away by foot. After walking all the way there under the blistering heat of the sun, I realized I'd left my card back at home. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2011 05:12

Today, I learned what a nail gun shooting my leg feels like. FML

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By Hakimstah - 21/4/2012 17:38 - Lebanon

Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML

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By BigmouthStrikesAgain - 19/8/2011 00:18 - United Kingdom

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 19:11 - United States - Ontario

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

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By Alejandroc - 20/1/2012 01:46 - Honduras

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 02:22 - United States

Today, after staying in bed all day for a week from sickness, I get up to tell my mom I have terrible back pain and feel extremely dizzy. After curling up on the chair next to her, not being able to keep my head up for too long, she simply stares at me and says, "Can I finish my dinner now?" FML

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By msj137 - 17/7/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML

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By anonymous - 16/10/2014 20:53 - United States - Canton

Today, I walked into my house and saw it was flooded. I went upstairs to the bathroom to see the toilet overflowing and my boyfriend holding my dog over it so he could drink it. My boyfriend said he didn't know what else to do. FML

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By DuckMan - 7/10/2017 13:00

Truthbomb

Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML

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By Dude_Stop - 27/3/2017 18:00

Today, I was hanging out with my friends when I tripped and a chair rolled over my foot, breaking a bone. A friend, who didn't believe me, then dogpiled on top of me and laughed as I screamed. FML

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By rachele321 - 20/8/2019 02:00

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my step father's new cellphone. FML

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By Knittedbirch - 14/11/2016 02:36

Today, my mom volunteered me to house-sit for one of her friends. This lady has texted me over ten times in less than 24 hours, called me unreasonable for not dropping jury duty to meet with her, and has messaged my mom multiple times to complain about me. My mom already said I would do this for free. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2020 05:01

Technologically challenged

Today, my aged mother continued to complain about her computer issues to me. A relative, who is good at tech support, won't bother servicing her computer because whatever she does ends up bogging it down the next day, so I have to hear about it on the phone. FML

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Top comments

By icyfire617 | 10

#5085903 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:53

Moral of the story: don't go to parties in the woods.

By slimshadey | 5

#5085905 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:53

At least you weren't alone

COMMENTS

By EvilPotato | 14

#5085902 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:52

Look on the bright side, at least you got some exercise.

Reply

silvercamaro | 21

#5085998 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:14

Two heads are better than one

Reply

herpderpherpderp | 13

#5086131 - Saturday 27 October 2012 4:15

I'd say that the boyfriend is probably in a lot deeper shit than anyone else is.

Reply

CrewBoy | 10

#5086173 - Saturday 27 October 2012 4:37

Look on the even better side. You didn't drive home with a potential drunk driver.

Reply

vbmg152 | 18

#5086499 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:04

CrewBoy, Cute ferret! We've had as many as 10! Down to 1, now!

Reply

Roevera | 14

#5086778 - Saturday 27 October 2012 7:45

Unless OP's home is around 1km away. Then OP is just a pussy..

By icyfire617 | 10

#5085903 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:53

Moral of the story: don't go to parties in the woods.

Reply

yoyoforpeace | 14

#5085968 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:08

Perfect setting for a horror movie.

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5085981 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:10

Blair Witch did it best.

Reply

Warden1986 | 16

#5086042 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:30

#16 Yea, if you like having motion sickness.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5086046 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:33

Unless you're a constipated bear.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5086080 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:51

Nah, just toss a couple rolls of Charmin Ultra at him.

Reply

HiddenValley | 5

#5087593 - Saturday 27 October 2012 15:23

You can't trust a system!

Reply

shawnagreenbean1 | 9

#5099875 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 5:58

Ahahahaha right.

By slimshadey | 5

#5085905 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:53

At least you weren't alone

Reply

LiesAndMischief | 4

#5086487 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:03

Exactly. At least this isn't one of those FMLs where the best friend turns out to be a bitch and leaves the OP on their own.

By Drigr | 8

#5085912 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:55

Seems like you need better friends... Or friends with better boyfriends.

By Major_Whupass | 3

#5085913 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:55

Quick! Get in my van!

Reply

Major_Whupass | 3

#5086987 - Saturday 27 October 2012 10:17

Oh! I forgot! The candy is in my basement...

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5087065 - Saturday 27 October 2012 11:10

"that's not the type of fudge you said you were packing?!!"

Reply

Major_Whupass | 3

#5088360 - Saturday 27 October 2012 20:32

Uh... Take off your pants!

Reply

kittenvks | 11

#5089758 - Sunday 28 October 2012 6:33

I never do this, BUT I just want to point out how perfect your pic is for this comment :)

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5090148 - Sunday 28 October 2012 11:44

Thanks 71- was it the neck-brace?

By ambowew | 7

#5085917 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:55

On the bright side, you managed to get home and write this with the pages you found.

Slenderman finding you, he did not.

Reply

MindFreakazoid | 10

#5086104 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:58

Just don't look behind you.

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#5085927 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:57

Run, Forrest, Run!

By hqbrat | 8

#5085933 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:00

That is some crappy luck you got there

By MelTheGreat | 23

#5085944 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:02

Gotta get that cardio in somehow.

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5086690 - Saturday 27 October 2012 7:11

It is rule #1 after all.

By ninjadinos | 14

#5085950 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:05

Run, forest, run!

My bad! Didn't see somebody else said this.