Miscellaneous: Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods.... - FML

By Miss Spasticator - United States - Vancouver

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

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Proactive

Serious times

Smart kid

By insomniac

Today, my sister is nursing an injured cat back to health in our home because she accidentally hit it with her car. Now I can't decide which is contributing more to my insomnia: the incessant meowing, or the constant itching because our house is infested with fleas. FML

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By Dumbass - Netherlands

Waiting for Godot

Today, I'm still waiting for my ex, who yesterday afternoon told me that he'd be here within the hour. FML

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By Anonymous - India

Today, a few weeks after moving back to my home country, I found out my diploma isn't recognized here. The only training provider I can find that can upgrade it to something valid wants another 2 years of my life, 500 hours of work experience and $16,000. FML

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By unloved - Australia

Today, it's my birthday, and the only person that called me was my boss. He wants me to cover his shift tonight. FML

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By Hotmama - United States

Today, I was nice to my son's friend. He's 27 and needs to get a life. Now he won't stop texting me and flirting. I will have to escort him back, not just to the "friend zone", but to the "I'm twice your age and your friend's mom zone". FML

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By grounded - United Kingdom

What ARE you doing?

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a link about what Pokémon would look like if they had genitals. I'm not quite sure why, but I decided to click it, and at that exact moment, my brother and his friend walked in. They told my mom I was looking at Pokémon porn. I'll never be able to live this down. FML

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By Stop being healthy

Today, and every other day this week, I brought carrots and celery into work to eat as a snack instead of chocolate. I got back from lunch to find a note on my desk saying, "Do you really think it's OK to eat carrots and celery that loudly every day?" Guess I won't try to be healthy. FML

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By fgbh456 - United States

Today, I confronted my mom about her drinking problems. After I blurted everything out, she completely denied it. She did this as she was drinking a huge cup full of vodka. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I helped an elderly lady put a bookshelf in her car. She then thanked me by hitting me with her car as she drove out of the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

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By me - United States

Today, the tree that my neighbors have neglected to cut down fell on my car. They claim that by law, they aren't responsible and don't have to pay for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clarks Summit

Today, I had an allergy test. Not only was I allergic to 35 out of the 40 items, they also found out that I'm allergic to the latex gloves my doctor happened to be wearing. Now my entire back is covered in a rash that will last at least another week. FML

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By MollyMoodle7 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend bought me Kings of Leon tickets for my birthday. Since he thought I was irresponsible, he gave the tickets to his mum so I wouldn't lose them. The show is today, and we can't find the tickets. FML

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By theonlychildd1 - United States

Today, a friend from work threw a party. We each had to dress up as a deceased celebrity. I thought it'd be a perfect time to dress up as Marilyn Monroe. When I arrived to the party, my boss said, "But... Rosie O'Donnell isn't dead." FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, my friend and his girlfriend got in a fight while drunk and he started walking home. While driving around looking for him, I accidentally hit him with my car. FML

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By XoxoChula - United States

Today, my dad came out of jail. He showed me his tattoo of a bible on his chest with all his 13 kids' names on it. I'm the only one whose name is spelled wrong. FML

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By Ouch - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was at a professional tennis match. The ball was hit extremely hard, resulting in it going into the crowd. And when I say crowd, I mean my face. FML

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By DamnThatsHarsh - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were fooling around on camera. I was mostly naked and putting on a show for her, when I noticed that she was looking off to the side instead of where she normally looks when she's talking to me. She was playing solitaire on her computer. FML

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - United States - Houston

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

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By Emma - United Kingdom - Rawtenstall

Today, I had a job interview where I was asked, "Who is your best friend?" I replied truthfully, "My cat", only to then be asked what my cat would describe as my best qualities, which didn't go far beyond, "Remembering to feed him". They weren't impressed. FML

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By corfan01 - United States

Today, I got a red light camera ticket for $100 in the mail. After checking the date and time, I realized it was from when I was rear ended into the intersection while STOPPED at a red light. FML

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By Brandon - United States

Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML

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By turnmyphoneoff

The Phone Call

Today, I got a drunken call from my boyfriend, which consisted of him telling me that he, "does man things like fuck bitches and roll with hoes," and that I've been, "trying to turn him into a half-ass girly man," but, "that shit ain't right." Then he threw up. FML

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By iams

Today, I found out my mom is banging my ex-boyfriend's best friend. He’s 22 and my mom is 50. Oh, and not only does my ex know, but so does the whole town. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

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By Beefy Man - United States - Lehi

Today, I spent eight hours cutting, curing, and aligning on the racks, six months worth of beef to be dried for some tasty jerky, only to find out my dehydrator is broken beyond repair, and would cost as much to fix as the soon-to-spoil meat that I bought. FML

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By anon - United States - Kent

Today, I delivered a pizza to a guy so high out of his mind that I had to let myself in and set it down on a table, because he'd forgotten how to walk, and was on the ground sobbing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Humble

Today, on my first driving lesson, I crashed my instructor's car. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. FML

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By yoyyo - United States - Manhattan

Today, I accidentally sliced open my crush's hand at work while we were messing around on break. A month ago, I broke his brother's finger playing dodgeball. No wonder I'm still single; he must think I'm out to get his family. FML

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By desertboi69 - United States - Ridgecrest

Today, I was preparing my raw meat with tire grease. Literally. My girlfriend replaced my teriyaki sauce with tire grease, because, she later told me, she had sex with my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, trying to be romantic, I started giving my boyfriend a neck massage. He gave me a weirded-out look, removed my hand, called me creep, and wouldn't let me touch him for the rest of the day. FML

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By RainyDay - United States

Today, My friend and I were stopped at a red light while it was pouring rain. We heard a screeching noise off in the distance and thought, "Hope someone doesn't get hit." Someone did get hit. We did. From behind. FML

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By SwAGkiLlS - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML

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By Were do we go... - United States

Today, I played a game with my boyfriend. The point of the game is to write down everything you like about someone. I put down at least ten things for him. He had one thing down for me: my boobs. FML

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By Meg - United States

Today, I found out the identity of the pervert who's been staring at me through my bedroom window in the late hours of the night. My parents and I decided to set out a trap for 'him' instead of reporting to our local cop. Turns out, we caught my 37 year-old neighbor in the act. He's the cop. FML

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By ifpigsflew - New Zealand

Today, I got hit by a Salami log thrown from a car; its metal wire cut my shoulder. I got scarred by a flying hunk of pig. FML

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By stanky - United States

Today, I was hanging out with this guy I've been trying to get for four months. I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. I walked out, glad that I was quiet about it. Ten minutes later, my mom walks out of the same bathroom and goes "Honey, you need to spray after you make a stinky" FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town, and he told me about how he hooked up with a girl at a bar last night. I asked him if she was hot, he responded "Yeah, I have a picture of her on my phone." It was a picture of my girlfriend. FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, my cats found my box of condoms. This is the third one they've chewed up. The worst part? They've gotten more use out of them in the last two months than I have. FML

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By oops - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML

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Top comments

By icyfire617 | 10

#5085903 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:53

Moral of the story: don't go to parties in the woods.

By slimshadey | 5

#5085905 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:53

At least you weren't alone

COMMENTS

By EvilPotato | 14

#5085902 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:52

Look on the bright side, at least you got some exercise.

Reply

silvercamaro | 22

#5085998 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:14

Two heads are better than one

Reply

herpderpherpderp | 13

#5086131 - Saturday 27 October 2012 4:15

I'd say that the boyfriend is probably in a lot deeper shit than anyone else is.

Reply

CrewBoy | 10

#5086173 - Saturday 27 October 2012 4:37

Look on the even better side. You didn't drive home with a potential drunk driver.

Reply

vbmg152 | 18

#5086499 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:04

CrewBoy, Cute ferret! We've had as many as 10! Down to 1, now!

Reply

Roevera | 14

#5086778 - Saturday 27 October 2012 7:45

Unless OP's home is around 1km away. Then OP is just a pussy..

By icyfire617 | 10

#5085903 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:53

Moral of the story: don't go to parties in the woods.

Reply

yoyoforpeace | 14

#5085968 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:08

Perfect setting for a horror movie.

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5085981 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:10

Blair Witch did it best.

Reply

Warden1986 | 16

#5086042 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:30

#16 Yea, if you like having motion sickness.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5086046 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:33

Unless you're a constipated bear.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5086080 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:51

Nah, just toss a couple rolls of Charmin Ultra at him.

Reply

HiddenValley | 5

#5087593 - Saturday 27 October 2012 15:23

You can't trust a system!

Reply

shawnagreenbean1 | 9

#5099875 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 5:58

Ahahahaha right.

By slimshadey | 5

#5085905 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:53

At least you weren't alone

Reply

LiesAndMischief | 4

#5086487 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:03

Exactly. At least this isn't one of those FMLs where the best friend turns out to be a bitch and leaves the OP on their own.

By Drigr | 9

#5085912 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:55

Seems like you need better friends... Or friends with better boyfriends.

By Major_Whupass | 3

#5085913 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:55

Quick! Get in my van!

Reply

Major_Whupass | 3

#5086987 - Saturday 27 October 2012 10:17

Oh! I forgot! The candy is in my basement...

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5087065 - Saturday 27 October 2012 11:10

"that's not the type of fudge you said you were packing?!!"

Reply

Major_Whupass | 3

#5088360 - Saturday 27 October 2012 20:32

Uh... Take off your pants!

Reply

kittenvks | 11

#5089758 - Sunday 28 October 2012 6:33

I never do this, BUT I just want to point out how perfect your pic is for this comment :)

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5090148 - Sunday 28 October 2012 11:44

Thanks 71- was it the neck-brace?

By ambowew | 7

#5085917 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:55

On the bright side, you managed to get home and write this with the pages you found.

Slenderman finding you, he did not.

Reply

MindFreakazoid | 10

#5086104 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:58

Just don't look behind you.

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#5085927 - Saturday 27 October 2012 2:57

Run, Forrest, Run!

By hqbrat | 8

#5085933 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:00

That is some crappy luck you got there

By MelTheGreat | 23

#5085944 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:02

Gotta get that cardio in somehow.

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5086690 - Saturday 27 October 2012 7:11

It is rule #1 after all.

By ninjadinos | 14

#5085950 - Saturday 27 October 2012 3:05

Run, forest, run!

My bad! Didn't see somebody else said this.