Today, it's the third day since my mum quit smoking, and I realised...

By Thepunchline - 11/8/2010 09:19 - United Kingdom

Today, it's the third day since my mum quit smoking, and I realised that her health-drive is having a negative effect on my own health when she bitch slapped me down the stairs because she didn't get a joke I told her. FML

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Health

Work name

Honesty is the best policy

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By somefamily - 26/4/2012 07:11 - United States - Wayne

Today, I found out that I've been calling my boyfriend's dad by the wrong name for the past two years. No one had told me sooner because they liked laughing at me for it when I wasn't around. FML

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By kmyltd - 14/9/2016 06:18 - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I remembered I had a Reese's Krispy Kreme doughnut in the car. I orgasmed while thinking about a doughnut. FML

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By BrandNewKadillak - 30/4/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, I was at my 3 year-old niece's birthday party. I was swinging on their swing set when she walked directly into my path. I tried to jump off the swing, but I could not stop myself in time. I ended up kicking her in the face and giving her a black eye. Happy birthday! FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2016 03:29 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my father-in-law is still introducing me to family friends as his son's girlfriend. I have been married to his son for 5 years, we have a child together and another on the way. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

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By Trapped - 10/6/2009 08:13 - Australia

Today, I failed a basic intelligence test when the mouse trap I was setting up snapped on my thumb. Later, when I checked the trap I saw that the mouse had managed to lick all the bait off the trap without being caught, I have a sore thumb and was outsmarted by a rodent. FML

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By Invisible - 15/6/2017 22:00

Today, I realized how little my husband, son and I mean to my in-laws. We were somehow left off the distribution list for my sister-in-law's birthday party. I even texted her to wish her well. It wouldn't be so bad if this wasn't the fifth consecutive family event we were left out of. FML

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By embarassed - 21/4/2011 03:24 - United States

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 03:00

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2012 05:59 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating, because I tipped our waitress at dinner. FML

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By DriedDeadFroggo - 4/6/2019 04:06

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2015 21:16 - United States - Newark

Today, as I left the supermarket, I found someone had hit my car in the parking lot. There was a note tucked under the wipers. Insurance details? Nope. It just said "Sorry dude. I fucked up. Good luck with the car." Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2012 04:51 - Australia - Forestville

Today, the whole family came over to celebrate my 18th birthday. My grandfather bought me a giant mathematics book. Apparently, he didn't want my 16 year old sister to be "jealous", so he got her the new iPad. FML

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By LOLCATS - 13/10/2009 13:45 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML

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By storyteller - 4/10/2016 16:29 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I noticed I've been an Amazon Prime member for 2 years and never knew. FML

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By a816090 - 15/5/2019 04:30

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

Today, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have no idea if when I feel an emotion if it's me or my disorder. I'm my brain's bitch. FML

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By dogmom - 16/7/2012 20:51 - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boyfriend picked me up and spun me around like they do in the movies, but not before grimacing, taking a deep breath, and muttering "one, two, three... and... uuuppp!" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2011 17:44 - United States

Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML

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By Derps - 4/5/2011 09:11 - Denmark

Today, my mother said she called our internet provider, and told them to cancel it. In rage, I left for a friends house for a couple of hours. When I got home, she told me she was joking, and wanted me out of the house so she could eat all the ice-cream. FML

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By Jen - 20/10/2016 16:32

Today, I had to call a customer. I usually try to avoid calling customers because I have a very prominent speech impediment. Well, it turns out the customer I called also has a speech impediment and thought I was mocking her. She hung up on me and filed a formal complaint with my company. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2010 09:37 - Australia

Today, I was emptying the cutlery section of the dishwasher when I reached down and accidentally got the tip of a steak knife wedged half-way under my fingernail. My mum yelled at me for getting blood on the clean dishes. FML

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By PissyPants - 20/6/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Oakland

On time

Today, I finally got up early enough to get to work on time. I arrived 15 minutes early only to realize that I'd left my work laptop at home. Ended up being 30 minutes late. FML

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By nameless - 9/11/2010 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I got on a bus that was so overcrowded I had to stand next to the driver with nothing to hang on to. A drunk man got on and for the rest of the half hour journey continuously fell on me, when I got off he smiled and told me as the doors were closing "the last twelve times was for fun." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 05:00

Trigger happy

Today, I was shot and arrested for trespassing. I'm a firefighter and I was saving a child. FML

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By Jenievonteese - 12/6/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I was having a nice dream in which a beautiful butterfly flew by me and got stuck in my hair, fluttering its wings against my neck. Then I woke up and realized the "butterfly" stuck in my hair was actually a giant wood roach. FML

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By snowbunny - 12/2/2010 02:14 - United States

Today, I bundled up to shovel my car out of almost 2 feet of snow, only to find my car was gone. I ran into the nearby police station to report my stolen car. The policeman trudged down with me to get a report. I had parked my car on the other side of the street. FML

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By nothingtoseeherejuststealingtrees - 5/4/2016 20:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my neighbor. When she saw me cutting down trees on my lot, she interrogated me and called the police because she didn't believe I owned the property. She didn't call the cops when she watched someone steal a cord of wood from my property two days ago. FML

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By college student - 23/4/2017 10:00 - United States - College Park

Today, at 12, I went for a run across campus.‬ Why? I'd realized my 12:30 exam was actually at 12.‬ ‪FML

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By Behemoth2 - 14/12/2008 05:15 - France

Today, at the Eurostar customs, an officer asked me if I had packed my luggage myself. I teasingly answered "No, I was helped by a member of Al Qaeda." which earned me a body and luggage search and a missed train. FML

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By Clunker - 24/10/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2015 09:52 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying at my after-wedding party, after promising she'd behave herself. She thinks my husband is an awful person who'll drag me into a life of sin, all because he has a tattoo and an ear piercing. FML

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By ANON - 13/8/2013 23:53 - United States - Sacramento

Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML

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By ChrisD2V - 1/12/2011 03:52 - United States

Today, I photocopied several hundred pages of my school's textbook because I didn't want to buy it. My school later says to just buy it and it will be reimbursed. FML

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By MandyPanda - 25/5/2009 14:24 - United States

Today, I went to a theme party where everyone wore white shirts and brought markers to draw on them. I didn't know many people there but I still went around drawing on people's shirts. After a few hours, someone finally drew on my shirt. They wrote "I'm scary." FML

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By Stuck - 15/7/2009 04:01 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend after we went out for dinner. To my surprise, our families were also in the restaurant, to witness him propose to me. FML

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By Sick As Hell - 27/4/2016 07:22 - United States - Urbandale

Today, I rolled my ankle, got pink eye, and have the flu. Unable to stand long enough to cook myself a meal, I opted for delivery. When I opened the door for the delivery boy, he backed away frantically with his arms up upon seeing me. Apparently, I look just as shitty as I feel. FML

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By ouch - 29/2/2012 19:18 - Italy

Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2014 17:45 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out that when I asked my buddy to make sure my girlfriend was safe while I was abroad, he really did; he even used a condom. FML

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By SlothyMolly - 6/3/2013 17:19 - United States

Today, while working my shift at Taco Bell, a creepy guy started flirting with me. He said, "You remind me of something," acting as if I knew him from elsewhere. I quickly said I used to work at Chili's. He shook his head and said, "No, not a person! An animal. A sloth maybe." FML

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Top comments

By Freeze_fml | 16

#1223468 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:04

Tell her a joke about her lungs.

By FFML_314 | 11

#1223483 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:06

Bitch slap her back.

Comments

By Freeze_fml | 16

#1223468 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:04

Tell her a joke about her lungs.

Jokey007 | 3

#1223481 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:06

love the picture :D

Brittney_E | 0

#1223542 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:10

ahaha thats hilarious xD
my mom used to do that whenever she lost something, then i got smart >:D

bishoprsv2 | 0

#1223576 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:11

PROOF-READ THESE FMLS, FML STAFF!!!

Freeze_fml | 16

#1223587 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:12

I'm not part of the FML staff. Sorry to disappoint you.

atomicwedgie4u | 0

#1223796 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:28

lay a pack of smokes at the top of the stairs then kick her down.

ShorTiE4LyFe | 0

#1223873 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:36

Love your pic, Freeze. :)

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1223917 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:39

thats fucking bullshit

number0 | 8

#1223919 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:39

YDI for telling her a joke
YDI for trying to be funny
YDI for being social
YDI for talking to people
YDI for using your mouth

FFML_314 | 11

#1224030 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:48

The fml says "I she" I think that's what he's bitching about.

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1224058 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:50

I love touching my eyeballs with chicken wings

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1224079 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:54

what I didn't say that this is bullshit

Miss_Grace | 0

#1224182 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 20:09

Language!
;-)

Notjustanother1 | 0

#1224194 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 20:10

this is fake .... unless is stupid enough to let anyone lay hands on him

FunnyWeasel | 7

#1224238 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 20:17

hahaha, your mum - cigarettes = bitch slapping you!

BenD0VER | 0

#1224268 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 20:23

Freeze, y r u so uptight about grammar?

LOL, I love your pics too - especially the one with all of the punctuation marks.

Brittneyyyy | 7

#1224341 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 20:38

#11 needs to calm down.

At least you don't have to deal with her secondhand smoke anymore, right? Although I'm not sure that falling down a flight of stairs is any better :/

FFML_314 | 11

#1224501 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 21:13

Forgive me Miss_Grace. I'm not one to usually swear, but I make a special exception for the "b" word though. It has a nice ring to it, yah?

duhitsnicole | 0

#1224655 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 21:44

next time... try to get her joke

ThinIce | 0

#1224755 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 22:15

I don't get the joke lol

Thunderbender | 2

#1225217 - Thursday 12 August 2010 0:25

That'll teach ya.

treyroxx | 0

#1225498 - Thursday 12 August 2010 2:01

lmao 1 and op it's call the three day hump for a reason

Tiwuz | 19

#1225501 - Thursday 12 August 2010 2:01

Get a better joke :)

CaptaiNiLL | 0

#1226657 - Thursday 12 August 2010 6:32

30 win

MitchN | 0

#1226947 - Thursday 12 August 2010 7:41

42 god forbid she do normal people things

VegasSkiess | 0

#1227483 - Thursday 12 August 2010 9:39

42, u must be one big dumb idiot then huh?

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1233249 - Friday 13 August 2010 6:47

i gotta better joke... what you call a hooker with a runny nose...? full...

jokrofhearts | 1

#2443125 - Monday 2 May 2011 4:57

#11 doesn't see that the OP lives in England and that they spell realize using an "s" instead of a "z".

By FFML_314 | 11

#1223483 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:06

Bitch slap her back.

rileykins | 0

#1223945 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:41

KEEP YOUR PIMP HAND STRONG!!

cockymofo | 10

#1224725 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 22:03

right on 3. now that would be funny

By justsayfuck | 5

#1223519 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:08

Well I she don't get it either.
May I bitch slap you now?

By Mariax_fml | 2

#1223530 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:09

Hahah.. at least be happy she's quitting. :>

By TexanBar | 3

#1223534 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:10

Hell yeah I agree with 3 Bitch slap that Bitch

By Rob207 | 3

#1223553 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:10

your hot #3

FFML_314 | 11

#1223754 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:24

Gas?

RedPillSucks | 31

#1223812 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:29

plus, its a closeup of her nose.
How can you tell if someone is hot or not in that pick,
unless you have a nose fetish.

FFML_314 | 11

#1223821 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:31

I know I have an extreme ear fetish.

Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1223861 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:34

Pendatik, he already answered your question. He thought he was in a diner, and was ordering our hot #3.

He wants a hot lunch.

rileykins | 0

#1224076 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:54

he should go to dennys.

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1224154 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 20:04

Ears matter, as do hairlines on the nape of the neck. I have a thing for big or distinctive honkers, too. Four words: Adrian Brody, Owen Wilson. :}

Raleigh_bruh | 7

#1224213 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 20:13

Adrian Brody? Wow, Jane.. :/

twinny_sc | 13

#1224372 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 20:44

Eww Owen Wilson...gross

FFML_314 | 11

#1224535 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 21:18

I'm with you TIJD, I love Owen Wilson. :]

ndizzle | 0

#1227106 - Thursday 12 August 2010 8:43

If big noses are cool, consider me Miles Davis!

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1233256 - Friday 13 August 2010 6:49

kno whats even better than big noses? everything.

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#3281694 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 7:50

54: lol at first I thought of boobs on guys then just girls with big boobs then realized you meant noses

By textingfreak | 0

#1223557 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:10

I agree with

FFML_314 | 11

#1223573 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:11

The suspense is killing me!!!!!!

FFML_314 | 11

#1223668 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:18

No way, it's definitely Azula!

Puckeroo | 0

#1223882 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:36

I think it's Oobi, personally.

scvcwcheer | 0

#1224191 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 20:10

not zim, GIR

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#1224411 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 20:53

i'm gonna go out on a limb and blame dib.

|the kid|

scvcwcheer | 0

#1225846 - Thursday 12 August 2010 3:20

psh no one agrees with dib. he's crazy

InfiltratedMind | 0

#1226942 - Thursday 12 August 2010 7:41

I'm guessing Hitler

PizzaGuy11 | 0

#1233271 - Friday 13 August 2010 6:52

nope its definetly magellin... the guy with the best freakin last name ever...

Alexweber929 | 14

#5320404 - Saturday 12 January 2013 9:39

Ronald reagan?

By xX_rawr_KiTTiEXx | 0

#1223582 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:12

agreed with 3 ^_^

By rlerke | 0

#1223584 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:12

lol I like your mom. stop telling retarded jokes.

titenite88 | 0

#1224775 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 22:21

You stop trying to look like Edward Cullen.

mamita1589 | 0

#1227558 - Thursday 12 August 2010 9:51

agree with 85 lol

By TexanBar | 3

#1223591 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 19:13

Wow 3 ur hot and funny ur like the perfect girl

dgaf247 | 0

#1224273 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 20:24

...And you're like the perfect creeper.