Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 406

You deserved it 111

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 1 425

02/10/2014 23:51

Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to my parents for the "hassle" of "having" to arrange a simple birthday dinner. Sorry I was born, guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 199

You deserved it 3 247

Mama's boy

Empathy lives

Great party, eh?

Superstition

By OhGodWhy - 23/05/2020 08:00

Today, my mother told me I must break up with my gorgeous, brilliant, talented, kind, respectful boyfriend of 2 weeks. Why? One of his closest friends died, and he's struggling with his spiritual identity. Apparently, by being with him, I'm walking on 'unholy ground.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 123

12/11/2011 05:34

Spicy

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 866

You deserved it 8 423

22/11/2018 14:00

Today, I got several thumbtacks jabbed into me. Why? Because my cousin thought it would be a funny prank to superglue a bunch of thumbtacks to his nerf darts. My left forearm is still bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 739

You deserved it 170

08/02/2015 16:05

Today, a creepy old guy kept hitting on me in line at Subway. I got scared and told him to back off because my dad was waiting for me outside. He replied that he wouldn't object to a three-way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 852

You deserved it 2 718

22/09/2012 23:49

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend has a three day break from work. This would be great if he hadn't just told me he's having a Guild Wars 2 marathon. Now all I have to look forward to is slow wifi and anguished screams every time his character dies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 937

You deserved it 3 114

18/09/2016 16:35

Today, I met the old couple I would be house-sitting for. As I was leaving the lady stuck her fist out towards me. After a seconds awkward pause I thought she wanted to fist-bump so stuck mine out and bumped. Turned out she was handing me the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 842

You deserved it 2 111

Alas, poor Donatello

By randomsamm - 17/10/2019 04:00

Today, I bought a turtle after wanting one for years. I was told that he was scared, so he would be put in a box for me to take home. It wasn't until I got to my car that I noticed that they sold me a dead turtle. I'm not getting a refund because they claimed I killed it in less than 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 889

You deserved it 204

17/11/2012 01:06

Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 002

You deserved it 6 123

Unfulfilled

By Anonymous - 28/03/2021 00:00

Spicy

Today, my alarm rang just as I was about to have a wet dream with my husband. This is the closest I got to having sex in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 132

15/02/2012 17:47

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 926

You deserved it 2 387

04/11/2009 10:12

Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 059

You deserved it 2 529

16/07/2012 14:38

Today, my neighbors are moving. As we were saying our goodbyes, their 12-year-old son approached and thanked me for the times I forgot to shut the blinds and he watched me change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 208

You deserved it 29 303

20/03/2017 20:00

Today, I'm recovering from a urinary tract infection. The infection made me have to pee constantly. Now the antibiotics I'm taking for it are giving me the shits instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 837

You deserved it 363

29/05/2013 16:24

Today, after calling the insurance plan for my new iPhone a "huge waste of money", I promptly dropped it in the store while trying to put it into my pocket, cracking the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 757

You deserved it 52 062

Fortunately, she is gone

By IGotFinessed - 14/11/2019 14:00

Today, I just realized that my ex-girlfriend has been using my credit card to buy condoms, beer, and dildos just to piss me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 795

You deserved it 545

Too much irony

By Anonymous - 30/03/2021 11:00

Today, I tried to schedule a counseling appointment so I could vent about the lack of quality control in software. The online scheduler said to call. The secretary scheduled my appointment then said the system would send an email with the appointment link. The email did not contain any links. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 87

29/09/2010 06:33

Today, I was having a good talk with a coworker and I was excited that I've made my first friend at work. After sharing some stories and some laughs he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said I do. He asked if I was always faithful, I said I was. He then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 483

You deserved it 4 608

11/11/2011 15:53

Spicy

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 710

You deserved it 83 883

09/11/2011 12:55

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 241

You deserved it 9 270

Food for thought

By Michael - 20/03/2021 05:02

Today, while assisting my 2 year-old with potty training, she stuck her hand in her own poop, and when I wasn't expecting it, put her fingers in my mouth. Ever wondered what a green blowout tastes like? I don't have to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 071

You deserved it 134

01/03/2014 10:42

Today, and for the past 38 weeks of my pregnancy, my husband decided to amuse himself by following me around, making whale noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 350

You deserved it 6 130

24/10/2014 05:02

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 104

You deserved it 17 735

24/10/2016 18:43

Today, I found out my landlord has bought himself a new boat. He refuses to turn up the heating to save money. I'm freezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 872

You deserved it 747

09/12/2013 21:01

Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 753

You deserved it 5 362

11/07/2009 05:58

Today, I went with my sister to get our eyebrows waxed. I didn't think my eyebrows were that bad--and they weren't! When the guy waxed my eyebrows, he gestured my lips and said, "Moustache, too?" Mortified, I said, "No!" to which he replied, "Aw, someone no get kissy tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 416

You deserved it 9 950

06/08/2014 21:14

Today, at the pool, I decided to face my fears and go off the high dive. I slipped off the edge and did a barrel roll into the pool while screaming like a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 035

You deserved it 6 522

20/05/2009 02:17

Today, I adopted a dog from the local shelter. I put the dog in the car and he was shedding everywhere, but I was ok with that because he was my dog. As I pulled into the parking lot, the dog began to poop in the backseat of my car. When I got him out of the car, he ran off. $100 for him to poop and run away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 265

You deserved it 10 674

18/10/2009 00:04

Today, a person came into McDonald's, where I work. They ordered a happy meal. As they were an adult, I assumed the meal was for their child, who wasn't with them. When I asked if the toy was for a boy or a girl, they said the toy was for them. I still had to ask if it was for a boy or a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 835

You deserved it 4 131

19/10/2018 13:30

Today, as I was taking the garbage out, I tripped over my own feet, causing my knee to dislocate in such a way that it shattered the back of my kneecap and fractured my femur. I guess I won't be taking the garbage out again anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 861

You deserved it 191

25/03/2009 23:43

Today, my parents came to visit me at the ranch I work at. They're scared to death of horses, but I was explaining how they are almost completely harmless. I was showing them how to work around the horse without getting kicked. As they relaxed, the horse kicked me. I now have a broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 740

You deserved it 9 193

01/10/2015 10:41

Today, my dog was all over me, and I couldn't help but notice she kept sniffing towards my boobs. Turns out, she wasn't there to get love from me. She was there for a piece of food that I didn't notice had fallen in my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 403

You deserved it 4 050

09/06/2011 15:04

Today, I shat out a staple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 545

You deserved it 17 947

23/08/2017 20:00

Spicy

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 181

You deserved it 289

20/03/2009 17:40

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 145 577

You deserved it 12 399

Heavy phone, dude

By Burton - 12/06/2021 20:00

Today, I'm in the E.R. because I broke one of my toes when my cellphone slipped from my hands after taking a shower. Needless to say, my cellphone broke too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 306

02/03/2012 22:53

Today, I installed an alarm app on my phone. Turns out, to unlock the phone and get the ringing to stop, I have to answer a maths question. It took me ten minutes to get it right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 894

You deserved it 32 953

02/08/2019 00:01

Today, I bought a box of tampons and went to the store restroom to insert one. I then put the box inside my purse. On my way out, I got stopped by security, who yelled at me to empty my purse. He grabbed my bag, spilling the tampons everywhere. Apparently, he thought I was stealing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 843

You deserved it 150

You tried

By Loveless - 10/09/2009 06:18

Spicy

Today, during foreplay, I was trying to be sexy. But instead I fell off the bed, landed in the laundry basket, and was attacked by the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 991

You deserved it 5 651

26/04/2016 00:22

Today, I had to tell the third guy that my mother set me up with that it wasn't him, it's me. Apparently my mother thinks if she sets me up with enough guys, I will "date the gay out". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 753

You deserved it 1 519

21/12/2009 04:27

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our five-year anniversary. I got him a new flat-screen TV. He got me toilet seat cover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 041

You deserved it 4 671

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Top comments

billiejoeinabox 7

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:04

Happy birthday!

llamarrama01 21

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:08

They're just upset they created something better than themselves.

Comments

billiejoeinabox 7

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:04

Happy birthday!

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:19

cry more #6?

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:36

Don't be so heartless, #8. A birthday should be celebrated with love and happiness. I'm sorry you had a bad day on your birthday, OP, and I feel very bad for you, #6.

littlekellilee 45

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:19

#6 you only got 4 hours of school? That's a birthday present in itself.

Sakuraashita 15

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:51

#27, I think #6 meant 4 extra hours of school. I'm really sorry about #6 and OP's birthdays. Keep your head up, #6, and although I am a random person on the internet, I hope you will still accept my belated happy birthday, please forgive my tardiness! ;)

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:05

don't let them bring you down on your birthday. Enjoy it. and Happy birthday

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:05

Sorry OP. Despite your parents, I hope you make the best of it.

llamarrama01 21

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:08

They're just upset they created something better than themselves.

EverestMelting 23

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Friday 3 October 2014 16:47

Shouldn't that be a goal of every parent..?

shutupshane12 12

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Sunday 5 October 2014 6:08

#33 you'd think that, but then you'd be wrong if you thought that every parent felt that way

fleur_de_fevrier_fml 22

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:08

You shouldn't have apologized. If they don't want to do it with good heart, then they better don't. Why not go out with your friends instead?

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:14

There is no reason to apologize, not only because it wasn't your choice to be born, but because it's your day and you deserve a celebration.

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:21

Aww don't worry about it. It's your day, go out and enjoy yourself. And of course, happy birthday :)!!

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:21

Happy Birthday! Enjoy whatever they put together :) then go do something epic

RenoTheRhino 30

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:29

There's no need to apologize for that. Don't let them make you feel bad. Enjoy your birthday!

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Friday 3 October 2014 12:30

happy Birthday OP. Have a great birthday and celebrate with the people who want to help you have a great birthday. Don't let the negativity ruin your day