By Anonymous - 6/12/2020 18:02 - Philippines - Quezon City

Happy Birthday baby!

Today, it's my birthday. My parents wished me a happy one via text message. We live in the same house. FML

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803

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Walk on the wild side

Is that how it works?

Narcolepsy? Boredom?

By well then... - United States

Today, I was approached by a girl who called me a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend, then punched me in the face. I'm a virgin. FML

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75356

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3366

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By allennn - France

Today, I went to a party, and the girl I really like started telling me how much she likes me and how she thought we would be good together. I was so drunk I threw up on her. FML

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12890

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By illuminatzi - United States - Temple

Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and work hat at home, but my boss is pretty laid back, so I wasn't worried about it. Five minutes into my shift, the district supervisor walked in for a surprise employee inspection. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after being laid off for over a year, I got turned down for an unpaid internship. I can't even get people to let me work for free. FML

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34231

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3503

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By ;)loganberry(; - United States

Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML

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12650

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By yelyah - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

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25566

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By Username - United States

Today, a fight broke out in a bar between several people, over some talk about one of their moms being somewhat inclined towards intercourse with her pets. I managed to slip out quietly with just a scratch from flying chair debris, despite having started the rumor. FML

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9202

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By Weldingtags - United States

Today, my dad asked if I'd help him clean the gutters. I was given the responsibility of holding the ladder while he went on the roof. All I heard was laughter before a year's worth of rotting vegetation landed on top of my head. FML

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28016

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By Sabraynay

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

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40879

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3275

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By fyourlife - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was flirting with this cute girl. When I asked her if she had her store card she said "No", paused, then said "Can I give you my number?". I said "Sure, that would be awesome, do you want mine?". She said no. I didn't know I could just enter the card number. FML

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12776

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By Invisible - Switzerland

Today, I worked up the courage to comment on my crush's picture. I wrote "Cool picture" on his facebook profile picture. Pleased with myself, I later logged on to see if he had replied. He had. Well, at least he took the time to reply- "Who the fuck are you?". FML

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57657

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By Lukey1028 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my co-worker handed me the phone and said it was my boyfriend calling, so I answered "Hello, Love!" It was my boss. FML

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26258

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

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25210

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4336

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

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14193

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1418

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to impress my girlfriend with a cool fire breathing trick I learned online, and ended up burning half her room. FML

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11142

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Experimentation

Today, I walked in on my brother sticking his erect penis through a donut. I doubt I'll ever be able to unsee this. FML

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40708

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By Unculturedsimp - 19/5/2020 17:00

Baby daddy

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I got her pregnant and didn't own up to it. I wouldn't have blamed her if it didn't actually happen in her dream. FML

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1665

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127

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By ZINGER - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I left my headlights on last night. I found out by the headlights of my car smashed and a post-it note on my windshield saying "you accidentally left your headlights on... I took care of that for you". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drunkenly made out with my 65 year-old married female boss. I'm a 21 year-old male intern. I have a feeling work will be awkward tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my younger brother brought home his new bagpipes. My older brother plays the drums. I'm currently preparing to sit the most important exams of my schooling life. FML

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27422

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By emih - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to my workplace and presented me with a lock of his hair. His pubic hair that he'd just cut. FML

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By mafiaguy800

Today, I woke up to see my four year-old brother with a sharpie, trying to play “Connect the Dots” with my acne. FML

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1400

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By Chasity - United States

Today, I logged onto a website that offered free tutoring. After chatting with the online tutor, he started flirting with me. I was just looking for some help with my homework, not a creeper. FML

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By thehunterofprey

Today, I came out to my parents as gay and they reacted better than I expected. Then I found my car destroyed with a note that said "fag" on what used to be my hood. I never thought I'd have to sue my own family, but I'm lucky I have security footage. FML

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5568

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By no one - 2/6/2020 14:00

Crucial information

Today, I was at work at McDonald's, at the front counter when an elderly lady came up to me and whispered, "I just shit everywhere in your restroom," then turned around and walked out the door. FML

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1652

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109

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By oh - United States - San Francisco

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

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24434

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By Anonymous - United States - New Castle

Today, a student turned in homework she copied off an online answer key. The wrong key. My students are too stupid to cheat right. FML

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3732

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she's been avoiding kissing me lately. Apparently she had a dream that one of my teeth caught on her braces, and all of her teeth got pulled out like a string of pearls. It seems unlikely she will be un-scarred any time soon. FML

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23583

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By lauren - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was chaperoning for my 8-year-old sister's class in school. The bus ride was an hour long, so several people didn't make it to the bathroom in time. Unfortunately, one of them was me. FML

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11033

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend leaned over and sniffed me like a dog. He does this almost every day, even in front of people sometimes. FML

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By thatguy - United States

Today, I was feeling proud of myself because I finally quit World Of Warcraft. I later found out about the gift my dad's family gave me. It was a 12-month subscription to World Of Warcraft. FML

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By Bad Dancer - United States - Rock Hill

Today, my friend and I went to a club. She said I look hilarious when I dance drunk. I was completely sober. FML

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25916

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By SadIndianLife - India - Delhi

Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML

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23372

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom put a candle on in the living room. She told the family "how much she loved it!" My mom then went on the tell us that my dad got it for her and it must have been some cheap candle. I bought the candle as a gift for her on her birthday. Thanks mom. FML

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26748

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my coworker cornered me in the office bathroom and insisted that, because she's been watching me, I use the bathroom too quickly and must not be washing my hands, and that I have to wash them from now on. FML

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By Ishnar - 2/2/2021 05:01 - United States

PMS PSA

Today, while my partner usually has their work mic muted, I went in and complained about my period. Turns out today was the one day they didn't have it muted. Their whole team heard, and I used to work with some of them. FML

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310

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2020 17:00 - Germany - Bayreuth

Amazon Prime

Today, I ordered an iPad to replace a broken tablet in a haste. I managed to order one of the only ones that doesn't support an Apple pencil. This is exactly the only feature I SERIOUSLY need. Can one be more stupid? FML

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279

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924

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By Yeppets - United States

Today, I went to a comedy show with my mom, and they asked the audience members to yell out their problems as ideas for an improv skit. My mom yelled, "My daughter can't get a boyfriend!" FML

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48029

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By badtasteinmen - United States - Beaverton

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend announced he has stopped wearing deodorant because he thinks his BO smells "manly." FML

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33012

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Top comments

By Seeya55 | 31

#7956337 - Sunday 6 December 2020 15:57

Do you not leave your room though? I'd get it if so.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7956341 - Sunday 6 December 2020 16:12

Are you humble-bragging about your huge house?

COMMENTS

By Seeya55 | 31

#7956337 - Sunday 6 December 2020 15:57

Do you not leave your room though? I'd get it if so.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7956341 - Sunday 6 December 2020 16:12

Are you humble-bragging about your huge house?

By kfchicken_fml | 31

#7956448 - Monday 7 December 2020 2:23

don't worry about it too much it's just the times we live in. parents these days are addicted and can't even leave their phones for a second

By voltroz | 17

#7956466 - Monday 7 December 2020 6:16

They are concerned about catching covid