Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home... - FML

By chaos2007 - 13/5/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

91076

You deserved it

5092

Tweet

Share

Hello everyone!

Property law

Toxic parents

By my boyfriend is a slut - 3/11/2017 04:00

Today, I took my new boyfriend to my step-sister's wedding. He knew more people there than I did, including 3 bridesmaids he used to sleep with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4774

You deserved it

475

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/12/2008 04:32 - United States

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19602

You deserved it

32407

Tweet

Share

By verrine - 19/6/2009 08:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was mugged on my way to the bus stop. With no money or mobile I started to panic about the exam I had and ran the 3.5 miles to get to there. When I staggered up to the building only 20mins after the exam started, the university staff wouldn't let me sit it as I couldn't prove my identity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59789

You deserved it

2982

Tweet

Share

By cammy123 - 8/5/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I went to Target. I was on my way to the bathroom when I find a huge mirror. No one was around so I started to see how my butt looked in my jeans, checked up my nose and fixed my bra. An older woman then walks out of a door next to the mirror and explains that it's a two-way mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21541

You deserved it

47102

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/1/2016 09:21 - Australia - Canberra

Today, after the topic of grandkids came up yet again, my fiancé confessed that we've been having trouble conceiving. Later, I overheard his mum telling him to take my engagement ring back to the store and get a refund, because apparently I'm not worth marrying if I can't give him kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25524

You deserved it

1608

Tweet

Share

By stillhungry - 22/5/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, while driving across country, my car broke down while in the middle of nowhere. I had it towed to a mechanic in the nearest town. While he fixed the car, I went to get lunch. The only restaurant in town was an old-fashioned drive-up diner. They wouldn't serve me because I wasn't in a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49338

You deserved it

2710

Tweet

Share

By GoogleOFF - 7/7/2020 08:08

Alexa, fuck off

Today, my Google Home decided the TV told it to play 'Despacito'. It didn't. Google then decided I wasn't yelling at it to turn it off. I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1111

You deserved it

302

Tweet

Share

By knicksfan - 5/4/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She gave me back the brand new box of 12 condoms that I had bought and left at her house. There were 8 left and I wasn't the one who opened them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

97745

You deserved it

6550

Tweet

Share

By Lady Douche of Asscrackington - 10/10/2013 20:00 - United States - Watertown

Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43427

You deserved it

3539

Tweet

Share

By caroline - 6/2/2009 15:29 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

716772

You deserved it

66608

Tweet

Share

By Okay_Then - 1/1/2014 23:49 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, a customer started a conversation by telling me how smart he'd heard I am, and finished it by explaining his theory that only smart people commit suicide. He then gave me a knowing look and said, "Just something I thought you should think about," and left without buying anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38995

You deserved it

3023

Tweet

Share

By babymomma - 14/9/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56927

You deserved it

5622

Tweet

Share

By acab93 - 10/2/2011 22:37 - United States

Today, I learned that ham is part of a pig, and not a completely different animal. I'm eighteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9136

You deserved it

64435

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 21/10/2009 22:40 - France

Today, I was in bed, thinking about my crush and playing with myself, when I remembered the complicated spreadsheet my boss asked me to make tomorrow. That got me more excited than the thought of my crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19737

You deserved it

7124

Tweet

Share

By a-scared - 6/8/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. Also today, I found out that I have a crippling fear of heights. My family left me on a ledge hyperventilating and having a mental breakdown, while they hiked for another 2 hours. They won't stop telling me how pretty it was and what I missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41476

You deserved it

8610

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/6/2013 16:05 - United States

Today, I had to walk home in the rain because my mom didn't want to get her new car wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62024

You deserved it

4021

Tweet

Share

By joe1234 - 17/7/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to put a pretzel on my forehead while I was sleeping on the beach. I now have a pretzel-shaped tan line in the middle of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48740

You deserved it

9697

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 00:01

Happy Feet

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1628

You deserved it

86

Tweet

Share

By grossedout - 22/5/2015 15:02 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to ask one of my coworkers if we were supposed to return a client's teeth to her. I work at a jewellery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25836

You deserved it

2203

Tweet

Share

By blank13 - 9/8/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I went to Knott's Berry Farm with my girlfriend. After we got off of Supreme Scream, the ride attendant asked her, "How was it?" She pointed to me and said, "It's like sex with this man, my boyfriend; intense, then disappointing because it only lasts like 30 seconds." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56462

You deserved it

12362

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 13:53 - Australia

OCD

Today, I decided to dress up sexy for my boyfriend. I put on cute undies and a corset because they made the most of my assets. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "The colours don't match." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23347

You deserved it

5713

Tweet

Share

By RedHatKat - 21/10/2015 02:02 - United States - Burr Hill

Today, my dryer broke in the middle of drying my essential work clothes. This resulted in me wearing partially-dried pants to work today. As a nanny I have encountered diaper rashes before, just not on myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22125

You deserved it

1736

Tweet

Share

By lifedamntough - 28/6/2009 11:49 - Singapore

Today, I took a shower after I finished typing an important essay I've been working on for days. My computer illiterate mum shut the computer down when I was gone, without saving a thing. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for "wasting electricity". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31111

You deserved it

64811

Tweet

Share

By fucktelstra - 17/3/2016 11:42 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21449

You deserved it

1385

Tweet

Share

By Mikey - 28/4/2009 06:50 - United States

Today, I finally got cleared after my knee surgery and wanted to go salsa dancing with a girl I liked. So we went and I thought I would show off a little bit and try to dip her and kiss her. Turns out my knee isn't strong enough and now she won't talk to me after dropping her on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26432

You deserved it

46200

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 21:31 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, let's just say it's not always a good idea to storm into your mum's bedroom after hearing several loud slaps accompanied by yelps. What sounds like domestic violence might just be your mum and step-dad's foreplay. For Christ's sake, I need brain bleach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42157

You deserved it

9679

Tweet

Share

By grrrr - 12/2/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Feeling bad, I texted him a few hours later apologizing. He said it was fine and that he went ahead and picked up a girl from the mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12095

You deserved it

48040

Tweet

Share

By Jaxter - 18/3/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

80723

You deserved it

14952

Tweet

Share

By tax-man - 2/3/2013 02:35 - United States - Chapin

Today, my brother called me, asking if I could help him do his taxes. Since he's a high school and college dropout, I thought all I had to do was a 1040EZ. No, last year he made more than twice what I earn, through self-employment. I have two Master's degrees and work at Burger King. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38178

You deserved it

9054

Tweet

Share

By shelly - 8/3/2012 22:23 - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29456

You deserved it

7379

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/6/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I had just gotten a milkshake with some friends. We were about to drive past my ex's house, so I though it would be funny to throw the milkshake in his yard. Turns out, if you're going 50mph and try to throw a shake out the window, it comes right back at you. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7913

You deserved it

103487

Tweet

Share

By zuut - 18/1/2009 05:22 - Australia

Today, I logged on to Facebook for the first time in nine days. No new notifications. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25167

You deserved it

9274

Tweet

Share

By Bottomless_Pit_for_the_NOMS - 23/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Miami

That homely smell

Today, my mother had just got home and we were both in the kitchen. She then starts to get out food and I smelled deviled eggs. Delighted, I asked, "Do I smell deviled eggs?" She turned around laughing and announced she'd farted. I effectively got hungry from my mother’s fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

273

You deserved it

61

Tweet

Share

By Kaganate - 9/2/2010 00:32 - Canada

Today, I was sitting on the wooden edge of my coffee table watching my sister's boyfriend play Halo 2, when I leaned back to stretch and shattered the center pane of glass in the table. I now have a large gash in my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9525

You deserved it

25484

Tweet

Share

By Dat Stanky Mouf - 16/3/2013 21:52 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why chewing "shit-tons of gum" is not an actual alternative to brushing his teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34147

You deserved it

3583

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/7/2018 05:00

Today, my 92-year-old great-grandfather ran down the stairs in excitement, despite his severe arthritis. He told my great-grandmother that he was having the first erection in over 10 years, and grandma ordered me to leave so they could do it right there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4566

You deserved it

726

Tweet

Share

By ConfusedFiancé - 29/10/2017 22:00

Today, I stumbled across my boyfriend's tumblr page. I've known him for years and never knew he had one. Being curious, I decided to give it a look, only to be ambushed by a wall of furry porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4132

You deserved it

804

Tweet

Share

By AtLeastThereWasAParamedic - 2/3/2017 20:00

Today, I was walking on the sidewalk near my house when a car pulled out of a parking spot in front of a speeding ambulance. The ambulance swerved up onto the grass. Yes, I broke my arm after being hit by an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7788

You deserved it

412

Tweet

Share

By Candy_Crushed - 8/9/2017 22:30 - United States - Mims

Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4177

You deserved it

272

Tweet

Share

By c.hip - 19/8/2011 03:22 - United States

Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27690

You deserved it

10827

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By simplyabsurd | 0

#194922 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 17:43

I suggest ditching the psycho. A 42" plasma? I certainly hope she's going to buy you a new one. But my guess is she doesn't even have a job. Just because it has legs and talks doesn't mean it's worth dating.

By deaditegirl | 0

#194915 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 17:41

Well, now maybe you can get a girlfriend who is slightly less crazy...

COMMENTS

By plexico | 3

#194910 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 17:41

MILF!!!!

By Jade_Rothwell | 0

#194911 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 17:41

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

tc710 | 0

#869407 - Thursday 18 February 2010 19:53

how did you use you're incorrectly, and then use the correct one in the next line? fail

Reply

ryguy1997 | 0

#971072 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 17:29

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Lone_Wolf_099 | 5

#987942 - Monday 3 May 2010 10:37

Yup You can already buy 3d monitors for a comp I got one with my alienware.

Reply

HedgehogHead | 0

#1038290 - Monday 21 June 2010 19:57

y was she listenin 2 ur answerin machine? nosy.

Reply

jazziness | 12

#2364593 - Sunday 17 April 2011 21:37

321 who even pays attention to that

Reply

blanquito | 1

#2787732 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 22:48

better make her pay for that shit.. dumbitch

Reply

rttr | 18

#4650120 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 20:40

He wanted to spend time with his mom. He doesn't have to be with his GF EVERY house of the day

Reply

dragonrider1959 | 18

#5996658 - Thursday 3 July 2014 19:32

He can have a life outside of her . The fact that you think he can't shows what an insecure little girl you are.

Reply

KrazyKatz3 | 26

#7539773 - Monday 11 September 2017 1:45

I agree! Why celebrate your birthday without your live in girlfriend? If it was a family thing fine but doesn't sound it. Otherwise she should have been invited at least....

By tayliarae | 0

#194913 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 17:41

FYI but did you make her pay for the plasma?

Reply

cowmeleon | 2

#2811574 - Sunday 3 July 2011 8:07

who even uses plasmas anymore? Isn't LED and LCD what's hot right now?

Reply

ChakatBlackstar | 29

#5439381 - Monday 8 April 2013 2:16

Some videophiles still prefer the quality of the plasma over the LED and LCD screens

By deaditegirl | 0

#194915 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 17:41

Well, now maybe you can get a girlfriend who is slightly less crazy...

Reply

purplebluetattoo | 3

#1014441 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 2:28

Totally. I would kill that bitch. Not literally but she should buy you all new shit and then dump her.

By cselby | 0

#194919 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 17:42

So, your girlfriend not only was absent from your birthday party, but doesn't know what your mom sounds like? Fake. If it somehow is true then wow, that girl is insane, i'd move far away from her..

By affa99 | 0

#194921 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 17:43

You're mom sounds....like a slut?

I suggest a lawsuit against your girlfriend =)

Reply

Chocolate_Chunk | 2

#1040050 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 7:47

you are mom? I'm pretty sure he's male

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1120201 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 21:59

i agree file a lawsuit

By simplyabsurd | 0

#194922 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 17:43

I suggest ditching the psycho. A 42" plasma? I certainly hope she's going to buy you a new one. But my guess is she doesn't even have a job. Just because it has legs and talks doesn't mean it's worth dating.

By Ambsies | 0

#194924 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 17:43

hopefully she now is your EX-girlfriend. She sounds insecure and kinda nuts.

By Stupidpeople | 0

#194928 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 17:44

She's got no right to smash your stuff, even if it was another woman who left a message.......what did your mum say on the answerphone for your GF to think it was another woman any way?

Reply

TheAngryKitten | 0

#3374005 - Saturday 1 October 2011 19:30

Probably... "Oh you were sooooo good last night!"

By skinonskin | 0

#194929 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 17:44

Haha your mum sounds like a slut