Intimacy: Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 1 262

17/08/2009 02:45

Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 019

You deserved it 5 672

Intimacy

And today, on Dr Phil…

Mother of the year

End of the road

27/11/2009 19:51

Today, for the third time this week, my boss made me switch desks. Each new desk is closer to the door than the last one. I think he's trying to tell me something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 783

You deserved it 2 746

25/11/2016 13:45

Today, a customer threw a bottle of milk at me because we'd moved our smoke counter 6 months earlier during our renovations. Moved it five metres to the right that is. He marched out of the store, then marched back, grabbed the milk from my hands, threw $5 at me and then left again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 181

You deserved it 579

28/01/2012 19:47

Today, I was in a Zumba class with a young woman in her 20s and an older woman in her 80s. I couldn't keep up with either one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 048

You deserved it 6 765

23/08/2011 16:15

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to switch my glass of coke with a glass of pure vinegar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 912

You deserved it 9 691

16/07/2009 05:51

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an undelete on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 842

You deserved it 5 354

Waiting for Godot

By Dumbass - 12/03/2020 05:00

Today, I'm still waiting for my ex, who yesterday afternoon told me that he'd be here within the hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 198

You deserved it 431

10/07/2019 22:00

Today, I had a sexual dream about my ex, and I woke up after saying his name. My boyfriend was awake, and heard all the dirty talk and me moaning my ex-boyfriend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 080

You deserved it 963

17/04/2014 19:59

Today, I had my teacher look over my essay before turning it in. He said it was extremely well-written, so I handed it in. When I got it back, the feedback he left said it was one of the worst essays he'd ever read. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 020

You deserved it 4 573

Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 14:02

Today, my father decided that he "wants to get rich." His method of choice? Bitcoin trading. He's already lost a lot of money, but won't stop, because, "he doesn't listen to haters." FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 63

09/06/2012 21:15

Today, I snuck out of the house for a night on the town. When I got back, I found all the doors and windows bolted shut. My sister's laughing face at my bedroom window suggests I'll be spending the rest of the night outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 341

You deserved it 29 551

17/03/2018 01:30

Today, I turned up to my job interview ready for any question, with impeccable references and previous work experience. Then I saw that one of my interviewers was the lady I accidentally hit with my bicycle last week. She still has stitches in her cheek. No job for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 901

You deserved it 1 104

17/12/2012 12:25

Today, I had to break up with my boyfriend when I caught him installing cameras in my bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 554

You deserved it 4 710

16/02/2011 05:14

Today, I had an asthma attack. I grabbed my inhaler and found peanut butter on it. I'm extremely allergic to peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 886

You deserved it 3 969

15/07/2013 19:25

Today, I was in a restroom, reading this site, when another gentleman walked in. He washed his hands, dried them, nodded at me, then left. It wouldn't ordinarily be so weird, except I was in a one-person restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 112

You deserved it 8 912

10/06/2013 02:27

Today, I got a concussion and several staples in my head. As it turns out, watering flowers is much more dangerous than it might sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 195

You deserved it 7 638

05/04/2009 05:20

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 029

You deserved it 80 490

05/12/2014 03:33

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Being a chef of a highly-rated restaurant, I cooked a well-liked dish. Not only did she say no, but commented on how bland and tasteless the meal was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 842

You deserved it 3 337

06/04/2009 04:39

Today, my theatre teacher made me go on stage even though I had a violent stomach flu. My understudies were unreachable, and she threatened to fail me if I did not perform. Halfway through the first act, I vomited on the first row. She failed me for letting the cast down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133 000

You deserved it 6 278

Cosmopolitan's 50 Top Tips for Lonely Saddos!

By opposites don’t attract - 16/09/2020 11:03

Today, I was so sad and lonely, so I started browsing articles about how to get a man. Basically every list was naming the exact opposite of everything I am. So I guess if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I have to change everything about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 058

You deserved it 320

20/11/2009 16:01

Today, I dropped off a box for my sister at her job. In a rush, I unknowingly parked in a reserved spot. When I got back to my car, I saw that my car was being towed. After successfully flirting myself out of an expensive towing bill, I backed into the pole behind me, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 111

You deserved it 34 972

22/05/2017 02:00

Today, my dad refused to sign a student finance form to allow me to study my dream subject at university because he doesn't want the government knowing his business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 605

You deserved it 392

Gas wars

By Ali - 04/10/2020 23:02

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time and we were alone. He was being super romantic and snuggling with me, and then out of nowhere he let out the biggest fart I've ever heard. He then explained how I should try to compete with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 042

You deserved it 339

SK8 OR DIE

By TeenaIs - 25/10/2019 16:00

Today, I asked a random guy at the skate park if he knew anyone who could sell me some weed. Turns out he was a parole officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 473

You deserved it 2 814

16/07/2013 13:18

Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up for years, but when I saw the pack I just couldn't help myself. One taste was enough to make me finish off the whole pack. Nobody knows that I've fallen off the wagon and I'm so ashamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuits again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 609

You deserved it 35 836

12/08/2018 08:30

Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 915

You deserved it 325

06/09/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend turned down my marriage proposal because the ring I gave her was bigger than the one her sister got at her proposal. Apparently she wouldn't be able to brag to her sister without "looking like a bitch for having a bigger ring". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 155

You deserved it 268

What is it?

By Anonymous - 06/08/2009 22:46

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, I had my first orgasm. He thought something was wrong, so he stopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 882

You deserved it 8 181

06/10/2016 20:59

Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 858

You deserved it 1 046

13/06/2009 19:46

Today, I was in my backyard. When I wanted to come back in the house, I tried to open the sliding door. I knew that my brother locked me out so I banged on the door very hard, causing the glass to break. It turns out that the door wasn't locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 812

You deserved it 50 975

Pennies From Heaven

By Anonymous - 07/09/2019 04:02

Today, I bought some shoes, but pissed off the lady working at the store by returning them 5 minutes later. She yelled at me and ripped my receipt in half, everyone in the store watched as she threw a handful of pennies at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 467

15/09/2009 19:45

Today, I learned that my anxious and obsessive mother is going to drive three hours every weekend to attend a Johns Hopkins medical course on stress reduction. Why is this bad? I just left home for college and have enjoyed my last two weeks of freedom without her around. I attend Johns Hopkins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 267

You deserved it 3 308

Food for thought

By datgurllllukno - 15/10/2014 06:26

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 144

You deserved it 5 945

Stuck together

By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 02:02

Today, my mother is acting pissy because I poured my drink out on our front lawn. Apparently, this was, "ridiculous and embarrassing." Meanwhile, COVID is surging and it looks like I'll be quarantining with her. Kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 1 040

03/04/2009 05:10

Today, the director of the play I'm in decided to show us an example of the type of shoes we would be wearing in the show. She brings in a pair of hideous black combat boots, and I remark how ugly they are. They're her own favorite boots. I had to carpool with her after rehearsal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 514

You deserved it 59 987

14/02/2018 01:30

Today, my mother sued me for whiplash in a car accident that was her fault. She screamed to stop so I slammed on the brakes and the car behind ran into us. It wasn't an emergency; she just thought she saw her friend at the bus stop. It wasn't even her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 423

You deserved it 374

20/11/2016 14:08

Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 460

You deserved it 13 129

06/09/2009 04:19

Today, I saw a girl I haven't seen in 4 years. She used to like me back then. Since then I have lost 50 pounds, and never had the confidence to ask her out. She said I looked really sexy so I decided to ask her out on a date then and there. She said no, she only likes fat guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 642

You deserved it 4 846

02/01/2013 11:15

Today, after a drunken New Year's Eve party with friends, I woke up with a penis on my cheek. It wasn't a drawing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 708

You deserved it 2 009

Bustin' my ass

By Anonymous - 07/10/2020 20:01

Today, I went in for an interview. While I was waiting to be called, I used the restroom. When I stood up to wipe, I slipped on the floor and fell ass first into the unflushed toilet. I was found an hour later, covered in my own shit and too injured to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 342

You deserved it 159

10/12/2010 02:49

Today, after playing on the same basketball team for eight years with the same coach, he kicked me off the team to make room for my younger brother, who I taught to play basketball in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 657

You deserved it 4 251

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Top comments

danielrp34 7

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:25

Thats hella sexy!

airplanefood 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:26

Air hockey turns me on.

Comments

danielrp34 7

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:25

Thats hella sexy!

F_fatchick_lives 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:29

Agreed! Thumbs up!

epiclove 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:48

heck ya!! but that was random.... just sayin :) awesome boyfriend tho... HES A KEEPER!!!!!!!

DoNuTizPrOnuT 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 10:21

take the hint, he wants to fuck you on it. go out and have some fun

audax 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 16:39

@#21 ROFLMAO

fylahole 0

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Friday 28 August 2009 12:04

thats what you get for sleeping with 12 year olds

BabyImTwisted 0

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Saturday 29 August 2009 4:40

o0o0 sounds like you have an imaginative man! lol ;)

sk8erboy_fml 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:26

hahahaha u have one lame ass guy as yr boyfriend

BussellRishop 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 10:45

To be fair, air hockey tables are delicious.

ironwords 8

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Wednesday 23 March 2011 6:28

actually maybe hes dristracting himself from the sex to last longer

airplanefood 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:26

Air hockey turns me on.

Karraxo 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 10:08

LMFAO. I actually copy and pasted that site thinking it would come up.

plexico 3

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Monday 17 August 2009 18:29

The OP missed the "code." The boyfriend wanted a blowjob, that is what "air hockey" is code for.

drdrcapone 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:27

Yeah, I think that's his fetish, you should be more supportive of his sexual identity. Kidding...

Nothingness1 3

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:27

Lol.

sllaB 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:27

Classic haha

danceintherain_ 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:30

haha

BioProject 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:33

I call winners!

lizarr 8

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:36

mechrophileac?

acenima 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 9:42

wow that sucks