Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up with a hangover after an intense night out.... - FML

By crunkdrunk - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover after an intense night out. I decided to look at my camera to figure out what happened the night before. All my pictures were deleted except one video of me dancing to Lollipop by Lil Wayne, and giving a lapdance and head to my giant plush rat. FML

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FML every way you look at it

Backwards world

Rock and a hard place

By Professionally Curtious

Today, I was offered my dream job. When I gave my current employer my 2+ weeks notice so they'd have time to find a replacement, I was told to pack up and leave immediately. Now I'm out a month's pay because I gave notice instead of just leaving. FML

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By superscrewed - United States

Today, I discovered that my supervisor has been submitting completed projects to our manager on time for everyone on the team but me. She has been deliberately making it appear as though I am weeks behind on my projects, when in reality I am one of the first ones done every month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Beat It

Today, we had an office party and everyone had to dress as a dead star. I love Michael Jackson so I dressed up as him. It turns out I looked more like my boss than Michael. I was then written up for "theoretically" killing my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 08:02

Don't touch my stuff

Today, I found out where all my favourite things have been disappearing to: the garbage bin, one item at a time, courtesy of my girlfriend, who it seems wants me in a suit reading the Financial Times on a Saturday, instead of my favourite Jedi dressing gown reading Game of Thrones. FML

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By Mishti

Today, whilst on the toilet at the mall, I took my new designer sandals off as my feet were blistered. Not even a second later, a hand reached out from under the stall, grabbed my sandals and disappeared. I had to walk home a mile barefoot. In the burning heat. FML

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By eeewww

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and he ejaculated without warning, shooting straight up my nostril. I accidentally snorted it, started choking, and then coughed it up in my mouth. FML

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By IvyBlackeyes

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

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By Bart - France - Lille

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

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By Anonymous - Isle of Man

Today, I went to the toilet during drama, not because I had to actually go, but because I wanted to play Monopoly on my iPod. I lost track of time and came back twenty minutes later. My whole class listened while I was forced to tell my teacher I'd been really constipated. FML

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By imscrewed - Canada - Toronto

Today, I realized that my Twitter profile was very public when my business professor made fun of student tweets in class. My tweet went, "Totally bullshitting this business report" about the report I had just handed in, worth a large portion of my grade. FML

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By unwantedforlife - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me but wanted to make sure that we were still friends, so he could still use my Netflix. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my little brother found the singing Santa Claus from last year, and it still works. I'm now going to be hearing nothing but "We WISH you a MERRY CHRISTMAS!" for the next 20 days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my sister asked me, while making a cup of green tea with honey, "I wonder why they call it honey," to which I reply, "Probably some Greek or Latin word meaning 'to sweeten'." She stops, turns and with a serious face asks, "Where exactly is Latin?" FML

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By blackedout - Singapore

Today, I fainted on the sidewalk. When I woke up, I was still lying on the sidewalk, people were stepping over me and my purse was gone. FML

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By fububc - France

Today, I went out for a smoke before dinner. I glanced through the window only to see my husband take my cooking scissors, cut his toe nails and then put them back in the utensils canister without washing them. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, a girl I met recently asked if I wanted to go jogging with her, and I excitedly agreed. A while into our run, I ran out of breath and doubled over panting, all while she kept jogging and slowly disappeared down the street. What a way to spend time together. FML

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By S. Dub - 10/4/2020 05:00

Acting is hard work

Today, my boyfriend told me that I needed to moan louder so that he knew I was enjoying it. Reluctantly, I put a little 'umph' into my moans during the next round. He pulled out and said, "It's just awkward now." FML

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By RatQuiRit

Today, I arrived at the station at 7:30pm sharp for the train... which was cancelled. FML

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By Peppered and Zapped - 7/4/2020 05:00

Appropriate force

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

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By blotchy-girl - New Zealand

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By huh? - 23/6/2020 05:02

No kidding

Today, I was ecstatic that the pregnancy test I took was negative. I went to high five my boyfriend as I told him the good news. Apparently, it’s monstrous, unladylike and weird for a woman to not want children. When I pointed out he doesn’t want kids either, he said, "That’s normal for guys." FML

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By Good tenant - United Kingdom - Consett

Today, my landlord increase my rent because of the "increased value of the flat". Why has the value increased? Because I decorated and replaced the broken fixtures. FML

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By Blue_Heart - Canada - Brampton

Today, I decided to bike to work. I normally forget the key to my lock, so I leave it out back and hope that nobody takes it, and nobody does. I finally remembered my lock key so I chained it up. After my 7 hour shift, I walk to the back only to find the lock had been cut, and my bike was gone. FML

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By IBS - China - Shanghai

Today, after finishing a two hour essay exam that will determine the future of my career, I realized I misread the question. FML

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By fgs - 29/11/2020 23:01

In the zone

Today, after joking with the guy I've been talking to for 8 months about his plans for my birthday, he told me he didn't want to 'lead me on' and wants to stay friends. FML

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By MexyBoy - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 8 months and I broke up. We decided to give back everything we ever bought for each other. I gave her the stuff she bought me and when I asked for my stuff she said she'd sold it and spent the money on herself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, saying I had a lot on my plate. She responded by throwing an empty plate at my windshield. FML

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By Gomer - United States - New York

Today, I went to a veterans' reunion party with my grandpa. While there, a guy started yelling at me for having an unapproved haircut. It was my grandpa's old drill sergeant, and he thought I was in the army too. Everyone just smirked as he forced me to drop and do push-ups. FML

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By lonelyandcold - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, after coming home from surgery, I discovered that the heating in my entire building had failed. I called my mom asking if I could come and stay with her for a few days. She told me to "think warm thoughts." FML

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By AloisTrancy

Corporate logic

Today, I was called into the office and suspended due to allegations made by a coworker of poor work performance. Yesterday, I received a certificate praising my work performance. I might be dismissed at any moment. FML

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By Blamethepostman

Today, I bought stamps to send a letter. For some unknown reason, instead of putting the stamp on the letter, I posted the letter and the stamp booklet into the postbox. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, in calculus, our substitute teacher told me I was smart. Everybody in the class, including my friends, burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my date kissed me after our second date. The way he leaned towards my mouth was very romantic. He's pretty tall, so I stretched myself as high as possible to make the kiss as passionate as possible. That's how I ended up belching into his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 14:08 - Canada - Fort Frances

Living in another world

Today, I played The Sims just so I'd know what it was like to live alone, own a home, and have a well-paying job that didn't slowly kill me from the inside out. It was the happiest I've been in months. FML

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By öKANEö - United States - San Marcos

Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra II teacher about whether or not water is wet. The student became so frustrated he threw a stapler across the room. Guess who got hit in the head and is currently bleeding pints in the nurse's office. FML

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By

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

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By Rari - United States - Phoenix

Today, I broke up with my fiancé after he cheated on me, and he now refuses to move out of the apartment. I'm even contemplating just offering him my Xbox One as a bribe so I can get him out of my life for good. FML

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By GoulashQueen - Australia - Brunswick

Good food

Today, I sent a dude a snapchat of my food. He responded with a video of him taking a shower, nude. FML

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By Shortround - United States - Wheaton

Today, I had three things stolen: my phone, my iPod, and my girlfriend. All by the same guy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I've been on the verge of throwing up all day. Why? My dog is intolerant to grain, but grain-free dog food causes heart problems so she can't have that. Now our lives are filled with nasty farts and Hershey squirts with no end in sight. It's a rough time for us both. FML

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Top comments

By lifsukssumtimes | 0

#247571 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:45

holy shit

By cheese1756 | 0

#247586 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:47

Since when did giant plush rats have genitals?

COMMENTS

By lifsukssumtimes | 0

#247571 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:45

holy shit

Reply

Allison_H | 0

#996305 - Monday 17 May 2010 19:44

Holy shit is that the Grinch!? *slips off of roof* *lands on windshield of truck below* HOLY CHRISTMAS BALLS!
But no seriously, the OP is made of win. That is the greatest shit I've ever read.

Reply

BoWZeR | 1

#1011672 - Saturday 29 May 2010 20:42

how could u tell what song it was by just looking at a picture if it was a video ok this is so fake queer

Reply

10_4Franky | 0

#1131012 - Saturday 24 July 2010 0:27

Hey retarded fuck, read the comment again.

Reply

ymonkey96 | 0

#1422670 - Saturday 18 September 2010 14:35

hey stupid op said video

Reply

zone123 | 0

#1530514 - Monday 11 October 2010 4:24

Maybe you should get so drunk so you can remember....

Reply

globalmeltdown | 3

#1702113 - Sunday 14 November 2010 22:38

haha kinda reminds me of 'the hangover'

Reply

xcrunner_725 | 4

#2888686 - Thursday 14 July 2011 8:02

why the hell do you have a giant plush rat

Reply

MrsDruidess | 23

#5796744 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 10:01

so this is where Miley Cyrus got her Superbowl video idea from!! You had it 4 years before her, maybe you can sue? But than you have to show the video in court... the millions might not be worth the humiliation

By XantesFire | 0

#247578 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:46

Link.

Reply

Nannoo | 0

#1712756 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 6:31

I didn't realize you could hear pictures.

Reply

chloe2114 | 4

#2447418 - Monday 2 May 2011 23:25

erm, itd not a comment, it's an FML...

Reply

FutureUSM | 16

#6451810 - Tuesday 3 November 2015 3:31

Re-read the fml

By microfilms | 0

#247585 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:46

how exactly does one give head to a stuffed doll. then again you there is a large variety of care bear sex toys

Reply

XxEmoSnowboarder | 8

#2521761 - Tuesday 17 May 2011 4:11

i was wondering the same thing lol

By cheese1756 | 0

#247586 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:47

Since when did giant plush rats have genitals?

By o_m_g_joe | 0

#247588 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:48

i typically would'nt say this but man i wish i was a rat lol

By ilovefmlife | 0

#247589 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:48

woahhhh crazy nightt
lol

By murderofcrows | 0

#247591 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:48

Ew. Fyl. Get a girlfriend

Reply

blocparty | 0

#1942137 - Saturday 8 January 2011 9:55

She's a girl... Maybe you'll be needing some glasses? :)

By locasocha | 0

#247595 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:49

she probably thought the rat's long nose was a penis

either that or the tail

By iknow_fml | 0

#247597 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:50

What do you want for your birthday ?
i was thinking maybe a giant plush animal , you know like that
you can lapdance and give them head all you want.
Its great i know once a crazy drunked girl did it .

By AnneFTW | 17

#247605 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:52

You completely deserve it - you did all those things yourself.
The alcohol just helped you along. Know when to stop.