Today, I woke up with a hangover after an intense night out.... - FML

By crunkdrunk - 31/5/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover after an intense night out. I decided to look at my camera to figure out what happened the night before. All my pictures were deleted except one video of me dancing to Lollipop by Lil Wayne, and giving a lapdance and head to my giant plush rat. FML

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Season finale

Assumptions

Night terrors

By looking - 25/9/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I joined a dating website and spent all day filling out and improving my profile. My first match is a guy who relentlessly tried to date me for all 4 years of high school. Now he just has more reasons to tell me how much we're meant to be. We're a 97% match. FML

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By Username - 27/3/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows me around at school. I wouldn't have been so bothered if she hadn't had phone sex with him, all while pretending to be me. He got so into it, he now thinks we're a couple. FML

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By Zoey_M - 8/7/2013 23:26 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, my older brother told me that the only reason I like cats is because they control minds. I laughed. He was serious. FML

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By notyourcleaner - 13/1/2015 11:06 - Malaysia - Puchong

Today, my new roommate puked into the sink and all over the bathroom floor, before passing out on her bed. Apparently, she was awake enough to wash her own face but not clean up her vomit. We share the bathroom. This is the second time already. FML

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By YAABOIII - 5/4/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

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By Myballshurt - 3/8/2013 04:31 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

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By Jackie Campbell - 12/7/2011 07:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you, it's me" speech with a slight variation, saying instead, "It's not me, it's you. And yes, I meant to say it that way round." FML

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By whatthewhat? - 25/11/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't trust her after cheating on me with 3 guys. Our friends are sad about it so they're throwing her a pity party. Now I'm single and I have no friends. FML

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By MDoremis - 24/2/2015 04:58 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I bought How To Train Your Dragon and the cashier started complaining how her kids keep demanding dragon stuff and that mine will start after they see the movie. I don't have any kids, and I didn't have the courage to tell her I was buying it for myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2013 00:24 - United States - Boise

Today, while out hiking, my phone slipped out of my pocket. I caught it and gave it to my little cousin, giving her a "special mission" to keep it safe. When we got back to our cars later, I asked her for my phone back. Turns out she left it under a shrub back in the hills so it'd be "safe." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2009 05:11 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking in my backyard. All I was wearing were my boxers and one sock. I staggered up to see my car halfway through my garage wall with a note saying "Sorry Dude". FML

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By sad sister - 27/7/2020 14:00

Bye bye love

Today, after my younger sister always made a habit of using everything of mine, from clothes to shoes to jewelry, the list now includes my boyfriend. FML

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By Idk - 29/5/2014 06:46 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML

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By Broke - 27/7/2016 16:38 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend and I are looking at places to stay to meet for the first time. I figured renting a small vacation apartment would be ideal because he's not able to help pay because he isn't working and I'm not rich. He's telling me he can only be comfortable in 4 star hotels. FML

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By Kelli - 28/8/2010 04:56 - United States

Today, I was taking care of a friend's hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML

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By jumpy - 3/1/2010 23:59 - United States

Today, I put cucumber slices on my eyes to help me relax. I found this very calming till I woke up to ants trying to eat my eyes out. FML

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By mew - 25/10/2011 18:04 - Canada

Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML

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By Nicky_ham - 6/1/2016 04:56 - Canada - Regina

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

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By Carowl - 5/8/2015 02:33

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

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By reallyhighschool - 3/12/2013 16:34 - United States - Torrance

Today, I got nominated to sit in a chair in the middle of the gym during a high school rally while the entire school got to throw paper balls at me. FML

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By FailedSalesman - 17/12/2016 17:39 - United States - Lewisville

Today, I was working at our garage sale with my dad. I sat outside for 2 hours, talked to three people, and sold nothing. My dad came outside and got angry at me, so I told him to give it a shot. He sold 3 things to the first guy who walked in. FML

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By branwen5 - 9/10/2009 02:26 - United States

Today, I had my final divorce proceeding. The judge denied my divorce because my husband is unemployed. I can't get a divorce until he gets a job to pay child support. He hasn't had a job for 3 years. FML

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By Anathema_360 - 20/9/2009 23:19 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

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By bigscarypuppy - 22/8/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turns to my dog and says "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our new dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML

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By anonymous - 8/10/2011 20:40 - United States

Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML

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By iceman123432 - 2/9/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, when we were at wrestling practice, we had to bend over to stretch. When I bent down, I noticed a car on the street stopped. There was a sixty year old man watching us. He then licked his lips and drove away. FML

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By DocBastard, meet DocCunt - 18/10/2013 22:12 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass operation. I was extremely nervous from the start, but he somehow managed to keep saying things like "death", "fatalities", "high-risk", and "never wake up" throughout. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 14:13 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss texted me to say the office was closed because of the snow. I begged him to let me go in anyway because I had nothing to do all day. I have no life, friends or hobbies. FML

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By Her - 6/11/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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By Murphy's law - 13/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

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By Fatty - 17/5/2011 02:12 - Canada

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

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By counterproductive - 21/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Intense

Today, after I'd finally decided to see a doctor about my anxiety and insomnia, I was so nervous about what the doctor would think of me that I had anxiety attacks that kept me from sleeping a wink all night. I ended up oversleeping and missing the appointment I was so nervous about. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work. I pulled impatiently behind a long line of cars to make a right hand turn. I sat there for 5 minutes. Turns out there wasn't a line to make a right hand turn. I had been waiting behind a line of parked cars. FML

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By JoanT - 31/8/2020 20:01 - United States - Kailua Kona

Bed of nails

Today, my boyfriend’s bed is so uncomfortable that even after six months of not seeing him, I’m sleeping on the floor so I can actually get some sleep. FML

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By Flattie - 14/9/2017 04:30

Today, I finally measured myself to find a properly fitted bra. I'm AAA, a size which doesn't technically exist. Goodbye self esteem. FML

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By Lady Bloodshart of the Redwater - 15/7/2016 20:27 - United States - Arlington

Today, while at a restaurant, my date shat himself. He spent the entire meal pretending nothing had happened. FML

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By LeoCor - 27/8/2018 20:30

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I've had a massive pain in my throat. It went down for a while with antibiotics, but when it came back I had to go to the hospital for an emergency surgery. There was a 3cm abscess growing in my throat. Happy birthday to me! FML

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By Tajjali Fatima - 13/9/2020 22:58

The X Factor

Today, I was singing in a terrible voice on purpose during a Zoom call from school, thinking I was on mute. I carried on, until a message saying, "The host has muted you" appeared on my screen. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 14:35 - United Kingdom

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

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By HotAsTits - 20/3/2011 20:31 - United States

Ah, young love…

Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML

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Top comments

By lifsukssumtimes | 0

#247571 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:45

holy shit

By cheese1756 | 0

#247586 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:47

Since when did giant plush rats have genitals?

COMMENTS

By lifsukssumtimes | 0

#247571 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:45

holy shit

Reply

Allison_H | 0

#996305 - Monday 17 May 2010 19:44

Holy shit is that the Grinch!? *slips off of roof* *lands on windshield of truck below* HOLY CHRISTMAS BALLS!
But no seriously, the OP is made of win. That is the greatest shit I've ever read.

Reply

BoWZeR | 1

#1011672 - Saturday 29 May 2010 20:42

how could u tell what song it was by just looking at a picture if it was a video ok this is so fake queer

Reply

10_4Franky | 0

#1131012 - Saturday 24 July 2010 0:27

Hey retarded fuck, read the comment again.

Reply

ymonkey96 | 0

#1422670 - Saturday 18 September 2010 14:35

hey stupid op said video

Reply

zone123 | 0

#1530514 - Monday 11 October 2010 4:24

Maybe you should get so drunk so you can remember....

Reply

globalmeltdown | 3

#1702113 - Sunday 14 November 2010 22:38

haha kinda reminds me of 'the hangover'

Reply

xcrunner_725 | 4

#2888686 - Thursday 14 July 2011 8:02

why the hell do you have a giant plush rat

Reply

MrsDruidess | 23

#5796744 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 10:01

so this is where Miley Cyrus got her Superbowl video idea from!! You had it 4 years before her, maybe you can sue? But than you have to show the video in court... the millions might not be worth the humiliation

By XantesFire | 0

#247578 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:46

Link.

Reply

Nannoo | 0

#1712756 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 6:31

I didn't realize you could hear pictures.

Reply

chloe2114 | 4

#2447418 - Monday 2 May 2011 23:25

erm, itd not a comment, it's an FML...

Reply

FutureUSM | 16

#6451810 - Tuesday 3 November 2015 3:31

Re-read the fml

By microfilms | 0

#247585 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:46

how exactly does one give head to a stuffed doll. then again you there is a large variety of care bear sex toys

Reply

XxEmoSnowboarder | 8

#2521761 - Tuesday 17 May 2011 4:11

i was wondering the same thing lol

By cheese1756 | 0

#247586 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:47

Since when did giant plush rats have genitals?

By o_m_g_joe | 0

#247588 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:48

i typically would'nt say this but man i wish i was a rat lol

By ilovefmlife | 0

#247589 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:48

woahhhh crazy nightt
lol

By murderofcrows | 0

#247591 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:48

Ew. Fyl. Get a girlfriend

Reply

blocparty | 0

#1942137 - Saturday 8 January 2011 9:55

She's a girl... Maybe you'll be needing some glasses? :)

By locasocha | 0

#247595 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:49

she probably thought the rat's long nose was a penis

either that or the tail

By iknow_fml | 0

#247597 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:50

What do you want for your birthday ?
i was thinking maybe a giant plush animal , you know like that
you can lapdance and give them head all you want.
Its great i know once a crazy drunked girl did it .

By AnneFTW | 17

#247605 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:52

You completely deserve it - you did all those things yourself.
The alcohol just helped you along. Know when to stop.