Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came... - FML

By Anonymous - 14/11/2015 11:47 - United States - Taunton

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

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By gorillalove - 11/9/2010 19:25 - United States

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By MakeItMaaco - 11/7/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I saw a Red Tailed Hawk land on my car and spend a few minutes looking at his reflection in the windshield. This was all really neat until I found out he badly scratched my hood with his large talons. FML

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By noooooooo - 18/3/2013 00:10 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I was dancing with an incredibly sexy man at a club. He was grinding on me when he leaned over and said, "If I was straight, I would make you my queen." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 19:54 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my husband told me that he is done having sex because it eats up his online gaming time. FML

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By collegebroke - 22/9/2013 05:45 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I hit a new low in my financial troubles when I left my work to retrieve twenty-five cents after seeing someone drop it across the street. FML

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By pleasestop - 1/5/2014 02:13 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, the family in the apartment next to me decided to give their 4-year-old kid a recorder. It's been three hours. Kill me. FML

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By noname1025 - 4/9/2012 16:44 - United States - Lamar

Today, I realized my husband and I have been fighting a lot lately, so to show him how much I care, I got a tattoo with his name on it. He hates it. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 15:34 - United States

Today, I was running a marathon for my school. Two hot girls started talking to me, so I glanced at them and smiled. I turned back, just in time to knee a little boy in the face. FML

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By akasha - 6/4/2012 06:15 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my patient had her call bell on. When I went to see what she needed, she replied that she was very itchy and could not reach to scratch the itch. I basically got called in to scratch my patient's crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 00:16 - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, my mom called me into the living room to say that she had something important to tell me. She then explained how she and my dad had "talked things over" and wanted me to know that they accept me and love me no matter what. Apparently my mom thinks I'm lesbian. I'm not. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2012 19:26 - United States - Rapid City

Today, I drove for hours to attend a martial arts tournament, and then I waited ages for it to finally start. I lost in less than a minute. FML

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By Dying Son - 5/4/2019 12:00

Today, as I was sitting on a bench thinking about an upcoming test, some hysterical woman slapped me out of nowhere because she thought I was staring at her ass. I was staring blankly into the void. FML

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By anonbob - 8/7/2011 01:28 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because apparently my mom hates him and doesn't want us to be together. My mom died six years ago. FML

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By Problem - 7/11/2010 20:34 - United States

Today, my manager informed me that I will not be completing my job training because I'll be transferring to a different store, and if they want me to work there, that's their problem. Today, I also found out that the new store will not accept me as a transfer unless I've already been trained. FML

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By whatdoesitmatter - 1/10/2013 10:47 - India - Erayu

Today, my sex-crazed ex wrote me a letter so bad, it haunts me that I let a guy with such terrible grammar skills touch my boobs. FML

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By jannister - 13/8/2012 19:25 - Germany - Bad Blankenburg

Today, my mom threw my tampons in the garbage and said that from now on, I'll be buying pads instead. Turns out she read a scare story going around by email that all the local teens are soaking their tampons in alcohol and inserting them anally to secretly get drunk. FML

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By Ropebunnbon - 15/8/2018 13:00

Today, after leaving for the city inspector to make sure everything was up to code, my husband and I remembered that we'd forgotten to take down the rope bondage setup and equipment in the closet. We came home to paperwork on the kitchen counter and the closet door open. FML

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By constantine - 4/2/2009 14:18 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel wanted. Then she talked about how her cat puked on the carpet. FML

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By Nchristine - 27/5/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad had backed into my already crappy car. The reason they didn't buy me a nicer car in the first place was they were afraid I'd wreck it. FML

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By huh - 2/6/2012 20:31 - United Kingdom - Troon

Today, I woke up to a glorious sunrise. I stood up, took a moment to soak up some sunlight, and then spent the next hour too scared to go make my morning coffee, after my mother loudly moaned, "Ah yeah, give it to me, Woody!" from down the hall. FML

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By DogStew - 12/9/2019 18:00

Scooby snacks?

Today, I had to watch my niece’s puppy. The darn dog kept finding turds in the yard and eating them. One turd had worms in it. FML

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By mymomsstupid - 29/6/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my mom's in jail. FML

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By Sad Sally - 24/4/2012 11:22 - United States

Today, a therapist told me that I was too depressed to attend his depression group meetings. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2013 00:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my new class. There are two Kevin Smiths. Neither will agree to a nickname, they have the same hair color, and their middle names both start with J. They have told me to call them Kevin 1 and Kevin 2. They both want to be Kevin 1. FML

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By siddance - 4/9/2015 18:08 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had an extreme panic attack in the middle of class. I interrupted another person's presentation, burst into tears, and ran out of class whilst everyone looked at me. FML

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By Lucy - 21/7/2012 07:40 - United States - La Mesa

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2016 02:09 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother goes, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" and my mom says "I'm a headmaster", and my dad goes, "Oh yeah she is." FML

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By Anon. - 28/11/2009 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to look at my positive eBay feedback to feel loved. FML

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By stoprubbingitinmyface - 21/3/2015 21:59 - United States - Tacoma

Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying "My body, my rules." FML

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By Jesusman - 8/12/2018 14:00

Today as I helped my boss set up catering at our café, she was stressing about having enough time for everything when the DJ chimed in with "Why don't you ask him to help?" It got awkwardly quiet as they looked at me and he realized I was a girl. Then he tried saying "by him, I mean Jesus". FML

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By curiousorange - 5/7/2009 15:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I met a great girl at a party. We talked alone, and she made me promise I'd dance with her later. When I saw her later, she was unconscious, and in an ambulance. She'd collapsed, and the entire party assumed I'd spiked her drink. FML

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By dentistvictim - 16/10/2009 07:27 - Norway

Today, I went to the school dentist for the yearly routine check. She took ages trying to clean out my teeth with the metal toothpick-thing, constantly hitting my gums. After half an hour of pain and spitting blood, she looks up and says, laughing: "Oh, I forgot to put my glasses on". FML

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By apparentlyugly - 26/4/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. They had this feature where you could send a picture of something from your cell phone and they'd put it on the big screens, so I sent a picture of myself in. When the picture came up on the screens, the entire crowd of about 4,000 people went, "Ewwww!" FML

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By sad - 8/12/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, after the firetruck and EMS came to my house for an emergency, I realized that not all firefighters looked like the ones in my calendar. This depressed me more than the emergency. FML

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By selfesteemboost - 27/1/2012 17:14 - Belize

Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have "such small, baby tits." It was my bra. FML

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By SHAME! - 20/5/2019 16:02

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I found out that the last time he saw me I was blind drunk and vomiting after having propositioned him all evening. FML

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By Bondi414 - 15/2/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, my dad made a new house rule: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." My whole house now smells like pee. FML

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By djl - 20/12/2012 05:30 - Canada - Beaumont

Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML

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By Goldar - 10/4/2013 02:44 - United States

Today, thinking I was alone at work, I did an impression of Goldar from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I turned around to find out I wasn't alone; a cute girl was staring at me, unimpressed. FML

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By gabby - 13/12/2009 17:30 - Canada

Today, I was on the bus and a woman got on with her 3 young children. I offered her my seat so they could all sit together. When I went to get off the bus I realized I left my bag underneath my old seat. When I tried to get it back the woman hit me and yelled at me for trying to steal her purse. FML

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Top comments

By loko0909 | 13

#6461717 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:01

That's a lovely mental picture to have there.

By djdeadly | 14

#6461747 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:16

Punch him. Then say he didn't see that coming

COMMENTS

By loko0909 | 13

#6461717 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:01

That's a lovely mental picture to have there.

Reply

friedpwnadge | 25

#6461736 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:08

What a dick.

Reply

One_Way | 43

#6461778 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:40

That's what OP's mom said.

Reply

spacefish966 | 18

#6461822 - Sunday 15 November 2015 8:34

Love the comments

By SWEET_CS | 6

#6461720 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:01

EPIC!!!! dad-1 son-0

Reply

allforfun | 23

#6461835 - Sunday 15 November 2015 9:14

I lol'd

Reply

Nessco | 36

#6461910 - Sunday 15 November 2015 14:09

So funny! Glad I'll never hear that from dad.

Reply

lexiieeex3 | 32

#6462164 - Sunday 15 November 2015 21:37

*step-dad

By BantasaurusRex | 13

#6461721 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:02

Why was your dad trying to 1-up you?

Reply

A1NoSauce | 17

#6461759 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:24

Step-dad* so he's more than likely just being an ass.

By SecundusSecunda | 27

#6461731 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:05

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."

Reply

AcieMcG | 21

#6461782 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:49

Hahaha will quote that next time the BF comes on me.

Reply

beeferjay | 34

#6462011 - Sunday 15 November 2015 17:28

I could have gone my whole life without hearing that

Reply

enginsteve | 17

#6462582 - Monday 16 November 2015 10:08

WTF?! I don't understand any of this!

Reply

AcieMcG | 21

#6463273 - Tuesday 17 November 2015 2:31

And did it, he just shook his head in shame at me lol.

By sirdannyboy1 | 20

#6461734 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:07

Cum on man, you didn't have to tell us that.

Reply

bryce_causovski | 12

#6462208 - Sunday 15 November 2015 23:38

This is actually pretty funny why has everyone disliked it?

Reply

peacheso | 31

#6463445 - Tuesday 17 November 2015 7:17

It would have been a perfect pun if ops mom was a 'man'. Secondly, we've seen it on FML a couple of times.

By ACommenter | 7

#6461735 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:07

I think you would need to buy a new brain to get that out of your mind...

Reply

Hammer1722 | 19

#6461844 - Sunday 15 November 2015 10:26

Brain bleach, lots of it

By Mysterious_one | 20

#6461740 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:09

Sorry OP.. No real man would say such a thing..

By lexred | 30

#6461744 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:14

Dude.... either he is really easily irritable or a sex freak. I hope that he's the first one.

By djdeadly | 14

#6461747 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:16

Punch him. Then say he didn't see that coming

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6461838 - Sunday 15 November 2015 9:38

Cumming* :3

Reply

MassiDelta | 28

#6462146 - Sunday 15 November 2015 20:31

Like John Cena

Reply

xKrisSmoove | 21

#6462162 - Sunday 15 November 2015 21:21

The stepdad would've then said "your mom didn't see it coming"

Reply

Elban | 20

#6463010 - Monday 16 November 2015 20:10

Maybe she did

By TMWhisp | 22

#6461748 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:16

Might be a good idea to purchase some mind bleach right away.