Miscellaneous: Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Taunton

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

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There's no helping some people

Territorial pissings

Not now, mom!

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to check up on a 400-pound inmate who was very upset about being locked up. When I got to his cell, he threw one of his own turds at me through the bars. I took a hit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my parents from out of state to see if they would order me a pizza using their credit card online because I'm out of money. I haven't lived with them for the past year, and they still claim me as a dependent on their taxes. They said no. FML

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By Anonymous - Taiwan

Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage, then the security told me to get down and said the stage was only for girls. I'm 23. I'm a girl. FML

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By stupid - Ireland

Today, I walked to school in -5 degree weather, snow up to ankles, for an exam. The school had closed and warned all the parents, but mine didn't tell me, because it was "funnier". FML

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By oops - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 00:30 - United States - Decatur

Bullshit merchants in the temple

Today, I found out my mom has literally spent all her savings sending money to some bullshit-peddling megachurch televangelist, who apparently told her that giving them money would ensure her future fortune. Tithings, my ass. FML

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By lacie - 8/4/2021 21:30

Health hazard

Today, multiple customers have complained about my body odor. Not only can I not smell anything, but I shower three times a day and brush my teeth seven times a day. FML

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By stillembarrassed - United Kingdom

Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bethany

Today, I started my first overnight shift at the penitentiary. This was also the night the offenders decided to riot. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 13:58

Happy families

Today, I just found out that my mom is cheating on my dad. I went to give my dad the evidence I'd gathered, and he just said he knew, and that he’s cheating on her. FML

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By xoragebaby - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

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By RatFailure - United States

Today, I looked into my sink's garbage disposal for the first time since I moved in two months ago. Apparently, the putrid smell was not the food I've been throwing down it, but instead, a now what appears to be mutilated litter of rats. FML

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By sarahpft - United States

Today, my parents told me they wouldn't be able to afford my senior portraits. That was fine with me, until I found some expensive professional photos in the mail. Of our dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oregon City

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

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By random - Canada

Today, I was approached by a police officer who instructed me to move because I was "threatening the elderly". I was sitting on a park bench in front of an old folks home. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, while walking to my flat, I spotted something white hanging over the handle bar of my parked bike. It was a very used diaper. FML

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By dole_out_the_fml - Canada

Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML

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By retainer - United States

Today, at the dentist, the new, rather airy assistant went to prep me for an extraction. She began pulling on something in my mouth, and a moment later, I felt intense pain and then the wetness of blood. She was trying to pull out "that weird wire thing". In other words, my permanent retainer. FML

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By ChampionshipVinyl - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I came home from work to find my kids playing Frisbee with my collection of rare, valuable vinyl records. The term "smash hit record" took on a whole new meaning. FML

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By thismakesmesad - United States

Today, I received an email from my boyfriend. It contained a link to a site that was titled "How to Give Head". It also said "Have a nice day!" FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I finally went to the bathroom after being constipated for two days. The good news? I lost two pounds. The bad news? The toilet won't flush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

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By wtfrelationship - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend over MSN that we had to talk. I log on to facebook and the first thing I see is that she changed our relationship from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated." FML

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By breakinphones - United States

Today, I threw my brand new iPhone 4 in the air whilst laying on my bed. It came down, went through my fingers, landed on my balls, then broke on the concrete floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raynham

Today, with 24 inches of snow on the ground, it is raining like hell. The weight of the snow, now full of rain water, collapsed the roof over my living room. I was eating cereal in my underwear, in the living room, directly under the failure. I'm cold. FML

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By noo - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother called me to tell me she didn't appreciate our "public amorous behaviour" at the local food court. I didn't go out all day. FML

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By Nigel - United States

Today, most of my family was out of the house, so I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and browse some porn. Five minutes later my sister comes and asks me to disconnect from bluetooth and that my "dinosaur noises" were blocking her and her friend's music. I'm currently hiding in shame. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew, who told me he learned about fire safety today. I asked him what he'd do if there was a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell over, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland - Ruschlikon

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

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By LowOnGas

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

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By sunitgir

Gordon Ramsey is furious

Today, my mother decided to cook dinner for us and used rice that she had in her cupboard. While helping out, I stirred the dish and noticed black flecks. Turns out they were rice weevils. She tried to convince me it was "burnt garlic" and served it to the rest of the family. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Pontypool

Today, my grandmother yet again asked where my grandfather is. She refuses to believe us when we tell her that he passed away 6 years ago. She always insists that he's out cheating on her and accuses us of lying to cover his arse. FML

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By Ants everywhere but my pants - United States - Sun City Center

Today, I left the windows open because I live in Florida without air conditioning because the asshole landlord won't fix it. There was nice cool air from the rain. I've killed about 100 flying ants that have made their way inside. Now I have a hot house with closed windows and flying ants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother found a hickey on my neck. Not believing that it was from the hungry 2-month-old child I was holding, she confronted my boyfriend about it. He promptly accused me of cheating. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my long-distance boyfriend and I decided to be a bit naughty on Skype. It was 3am so we assumed that my dad was asleep and did some dirty talk. When we were done, I heard my dad laughing outside my room; he'd heard it all. FML

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By nothungry - United States

Today, after four years of anorexia and lots of recovery, my parents took me out to dinner with my counselor and whole family to celebrate my progress. I ended up eating something that made me vomit everything I ate. My parents now think I am bulmic and are sending me back to counseling. FML

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By i guess - United States - Hamilton

Today, my boss told our production department that we're not allowed to be happy. FML

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By jerry Jerry Jerry - 15/5/2020 17:00

All in the family

Today, I found out the truth about my parents’ divorce and why our family is so distant. Turns out my dad had an affair with not one, but two of my mom’s sisters. And that my youngest cousin is also my half-sister. FML

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Top comments

By loko0909 | 13

#6461717 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:01

That's a lovely mental picture to have there.

By djdeadly | 14

#6461747 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:16

Punch him. Then say he didn't see that coming

COMMENTS

By loko0909 | 13

#6461717 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:01

That's a lovely mental picture to have there.

Reply

friedpwnadge | 25

#6461736 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:08

What a dick.

Reply

One_Way | 43

#6461778 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:40

That's what OP's mom said.

Reply

spacefish966 | 18

#6461822 - Sunday 15 November 2015 8:34

Love the comments

By SWEET_CS | 6

#6461720 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:01

EPIC!!!! dad-1 son-0

Reply

allforfun | 23

#6461835 - Sunday 15 November 2015 9:14

I lol'd

Reply

Nessco | 36

#6461910 - Sunday 15 November 2015 14:09

So funny! Glad I'll never hear that from dad.

Reply

lexiieeex3 | 32

#6462164 - Sunday 15 November 2015 21:37

*step-dad

By BantasaurusRex | 13

#6461721 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:02

Why was your dad trying to 1-up you?

Reply

A1NoSauce | 17

#6461759 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:24

Step-dad* so he's more than likely just being an ass.

By SecundusSecunda | 27

#6461731 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:05

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."

Reply

AcieMcG | 21

#6461782 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:49

Hahaha will quote that next time the BF comes on me.

Reply

beeferjay | 34

#6462011 - Sunday 15 November 2015 17:28

I could have gone my whole life without hearing that

Reply

enginsteve | 17

#6462582 - Monday 16 November 2015 10:08

WTF?! I don't understand any of this!

Reply

AcieMcG | 21

#6463273 - Tuesday 17 November 2015 2:31

And did it, he just shook his head in shame at me lol.

By sirdannyboy1 | 20

#6461734 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:07

Cum on man, you didn't have to tell us that.

Reply

bryce_causovski | 12

#6462208 - Sunday 15 November 2015 23:38

This is actually pretty funny why has everyone disliked it?

Reply

peacheso | 31

#6463445 - Tuesday 17 November 2015 7:17

It would have been a perfect pun if ops mom was a 'man'. Secondly, we've seen it on FML a couple of times.

By ACommenter | 7

#6461735 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:07

I think you would need to buy a new brain to get that out of your mind...

Reply

Hammer1722 | 19

#6461844 - Sunday 15 November 2015 10:26

Brain bleach, lots of it

By Mysterious_one | 20

#6461740 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:09

Sorry OP.. No real man would say such a thing..

By lexred | 30

#6461744 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:14

Dude.... either he is really easily irritable or a sex freak. I hope that he's the first one.

By djdeadly | 14

#6461747 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:16

Punch him. Then say he didn't see that coming

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6461838 - Sunday 15 November 2015 9:38

Cumming* :3

Reply

MassiDelta | 28

#6462146 - Sunday 15 November 2015 20:31

Like John Cena

Reply

xKrisSmoove | 21

#6462162 - Sunday 15 November 2015 21:21

The stepdad would've then said "your mom didn't see it coming"

Reply

Elban | 20

#6463010 - Monday 16 November 2015 20:10

Maybe she did

By TMWhisp | 22

#6461748 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:16

Might be a good idea to purchase some mind bleach right away.