Kids: Today, I woke up to my brother chopping all my bangs off. When...

By my dumb bro - United States - Gillham

Today, I woke up to my brother chopping all my bangs off. When I yelled at him, he could only shout back, "You can see clearly now, the bangs are gone!" FML

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Kids

Proactive

No Gods, No Masters

Thanks, Marley

By notfuckingpaidenough - United States - San Leandro

Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

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31366

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By kandi - Philippines

Today, while at the bakeshop, I got bored waiting in line so I decided to sit on the glass case protecting cupcakes. Turns out there was no glass. I had to pay $50 to cover all the mess and had to walk out of the bakeshop with icing all over my butt. FML

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By Failure2017 - United States

Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock” in front of our son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Desoto

Today, I went out with a friend to grab some food and we were served by this really cute and fun waiter. Stepping out of my comfort zone and deciding to do something crazy, I left my phone number on the bill. I got home only to realize that I forgot to pay the bill. FML

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By imaloser - Canada

Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I've been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML

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By Anonymous - Russian Federation

Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML

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By juice723 - United States - Marblehead

Today, my friends started calling me "Soberman" because I recently gave up alcohol and have a Doberman. Normally, I wouldn't mind the nickname, but they call me Soberman everywhere. My new boss now thinks it's because I AM an alcoholic. FML

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By lobstercola - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was walking through a crosswalk when a lady in a car looked at me with a horrified expression and then hit her door locks repeatedly. FML

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26950

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By believe me now?? - United Kingdom - Ilkeston

Today, my girlfriend read an FML by some guy about fight he had with his nutjob of a girlfriend. It was so bizarrely similar to a fight we had recently that she accused me of not having any balls and bitching about her to strangers. It wasn't even my story. FML

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By wowgranny - United States - Tooele

Today, my grandma told me that I'm starting to look like my sister. I jokingly replied, "Uh-oh I'm in trouble then." She gave me a very disapproving look and said, "You should be happy. She's beautiful, unlike you." FML

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By skunked - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was visiting my childhood home, and I checked out my old treehouse. A family of skunks had made it their home, and I was promptly sprayed upon entering. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maidenhead

Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, turns out she's actually dating him. FML

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By Anonymous

Seems fair

Today, so far, 3 of my employees have requested tomorrow off because of "emotional damage" due to Toys 'R' Us closing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend left me after I'd been supporting him for 9 months while he "finds himself." Why? Because I wanted to go grocery shopping instead of him eating out every day with my money. FML

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1915

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By brokenhearted - Sweden - Kung?lv

Today, I told my boyfriend he's the only good thing left in my life. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic, he said, and ended up breaking up with me. FML

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21925

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By Crowded House

Today, my newborn son is only four days old. My in-laws have been over five times already. FML

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1644

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By Anonymous - India

Today, while studying in India, I was peacefully journaling, reflecting and enjoying the beautiful landscape. And then a monkey threw its poo at me. FML

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By NotAThief

Swiper No Swiping!

Today, I got a talking-to at work from my new manager for eating other peoples' lunches. Immediately afterwards, I watched my manager leave the room, take MY lunch, and begin eating it. Apparently my new manager is the thief, and I'm now the office pariah who gets the blame. Nobody believes me. FML

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4878

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML

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57593

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By jeesh - United States

Today, my girlfriend caught me picking my nose and eating the booger. FML

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7922

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By jacky tu - United States

Today, I got grounded because I didn't go to my dog's birthday party. FML

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36011

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By dexter - United States

Today, I had lunch with a couple of my friends and a guy I like. Another guy I have a crush on came and ate with us too. After lunch, one of the guys I have a crush on told me the other guy I like is sexy. FML

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24590

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By Ryan746 - United States

Today, I asked a girl out and made plans to go see a movie. About 5 minutes in, I made a move to put my arm around her and smashed her in the face. FML

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By imanidiot - United States

Today, I ordered take out, and paid with a credit card. The cute cashier gave me the receipt to sign, and under 'tip' I gave a couple of dollars. I realized that I had given too much, crossed it out, and changed it. Unaware she was watching, She then responded, "Did you just lower the tip by $1?" FML

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By toughlove - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he had feelings for someone else. He also told me he wanted to continue dating me until things progressed further with the other woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the Cafeteria at a table near the guy I like. He was playing around with a ball with a couple of his friends. They dropped it, and it rolled over next to my foot. When I bent down to pick it up, I smashed my head against a chair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

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By alisaav - Thailand

Today, I saw a cute guy walking out of a restaurant. When he saw me, he smiled and to be a bit flirty I bit my lip. Too bad it started to bleed like hell. FML

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By Pill popping zit monster

Today, my period has given to me 4 giant zits, 3 screaming shits, 2 stomach ulcers, and a fever blister on my lips. A few days until Christmas and the gifts keep coming. FML

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By shellie - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

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By Camm. - United States

Today, I found my car completely vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck". Hannah? FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mother, my aunt, and my two sisters are all on their periods. I can't even brush my teeth in my own house without being treated like a criminal. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, I've been chronically constipated so long that I was actually grateful for the sudden blast of diarrhea that ruined my pants. FML

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By Criminal - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. I wrote a check, and on the way to deposit my fine, I got another one. I put both fines in a box down town, and I turned around to see a cop putting a parking ticket under my wind-shield wiper. FML

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21898

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By Mondo - United States

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

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By Sadface - United States

Today, my 15 year old son told me he had his first kiss. I told him how I was the same age when I had mine, and then I told him all kinds of wild stories about things I did in my childhood and college life. Truth is, I made them all up. I didn't get kissed till I was 24, and laid till I was 28. FML

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By notsoonenufdeparted - United States

Today, my four-year-old asked me when I was going to die. I replied "Not for a long time, why?" He looked at me and stated "Because I only want to live with Daddy." FML

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By jessicab72 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML

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By jccwell - United States

Today, my dad called, saying he was in town and that he wanted to see me. I was excited, thinking he wanted to come see my new apartment. Turns out he just wanted to borrow my Xbox. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, my fiancé told me that it would be okay with him if I got plastic surgery to make my boobs larger. It would also be okay with him if I didn't get the surgery, but he would call off our engagement and never talk to me again. FML

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Top comments

By dathan | 14

#5453643 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:14

Hmm. I'm missing some information here... Was he like 3 or 4 years old, or like 16?

By Jonaahhhh | 12

#5453646 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:16

Ask him if it will be harder to see with two black eyes... That sucks, OP (Keep in mind I'm saying this under the assumption that her brother isn't too young)

COMMENTS

By refticon | 30

#5453642 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:13

first to comment in 2 years time !

Kenton1008 | 21

#5453644 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:15

Congratulations. None of us really care.

firefighter925 | 18

#5453678 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:34

#1 already said that!!!

By dathan | 14

#5453643 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:14

Hmm. I'm missing some information here... Was he like 3 or 4 years old, or like 16?

Soloman212 | 28

#5453648 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:17

It was a reference to the song, so I'm guessing about 16.

Smashhoof | 15

#5453708 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:52

I think he's 43.

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#5453717 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:57

I think he's closer to 15.47865.

HiIAmKevin | 8

#5453898 - Thursday 18 April 2013 0:59

If I had to guess it would be somewhere around 3... Maybe 3.141592653589793?

Yes it's a Pi reference. Everyone loves Pi.

onealmxwilson | 18

#5454110 - Thursday 18 April 2013 5:18

But unfortunately 58, no one loves your comment.

CaptTeemo | 10

#5454201 - Thursday 18 April 2013 7:10

It definitely wasn't Pi's fault though.

Ryodin | 11

#5454519 - Thursday 18 April 2013 15:43

Irrelevant. Revenge time.

HiIAmKevin | 8

#5454877 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:49

77- Yea I see that :(. Mind sharing some of your likes?

By thatgirlincali | 13

#5453645 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:15

He was just trying to help. Lol

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5454006 - Thursday 18 April 2013 2:58

lol.

Bubbelz | 24

#5454064 - Thursday 18 April 2013 4:35

lol.

postoso | 20

#5454084 - Thursday 18 April 2013 4:50

Lol

xXHollowIchigoXx | 17

#5454098 - Thursday 18 April 2013 5:08

l0lmf40

waffle3z | 6

#5454130 - Thursday 18 April 2013 5:41

Melissa?

thatgirlincali | 13

#5463811 - Wednesday 24 April 2013 23:01

Who's Melissa?

By Jonaahhhh | 12

#5453646 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:16

Ask him if it will be harder to see with two black eyes... That sucks, OP (Keep in mind I'm saying this under the assumption that her brother isn't too young)