Today, I woke up to my brother chopping all my bangs off. When...

By my dumb bro - 17/4/2013 16:13 - United States - Gillham

Today, I woke up to my brother chopping all my bangs off. When I yelled at him, he could only shout back, "You can see clearly now, the bangs are gone!" FML

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Kids

Noise

Mind your own beeswax

What did I do?

By silver - 22/7/2018 02:01

Today, while discussing my family on a date, I mentioned that my parents are divorced. She immediately got up and left without a word. FML

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By furious parent - 3/7/2019 18:00

Today, I caught my mother telling my 11-year-old daughter that if she wants to be happy in life, she needs to start exercising now, because fat can creep up on you, and rich guys never marry fat girls with nice personalities. I was fuming. FML

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By gumpy - 25/2/2011 20:37 - United States

Today, I lost a glove while snowboarding. I got off my board to find it, when a bunch of kids took the opportunity to kick my snowboard down the hill, while yelling "Run, Forrest, run!" as I frantically chased after it. FML

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By lonely_island - 28/4/2014 21:27 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I finally worked up the guts to add the guy I like on Facebook. To make it less obvious, I added 15 other people as well. Everyone added me back, except him. FML

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By amberrenee91 - 19/3/2013 03:29 - United States - Ellwood City

Today, a cute guy who works at the mall winked at me. When I met up with my boyfriend, I bragged to him about it. His response was, "Don't flatter yourself, he winked at me too." FML

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By loserr - 28/2/2014 17:13 - United States - Highland Park

Today, I made myself a hot pocket for lunch. I managed to scald myself on the red-hot cheese, and at the same time bite into the center, which was somehow still frozen solid. FML

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By TheOtherWoman - 18/1/2013 17:21 - United Kingdom - Weston-super-mare

Today, I saw in my browser history a profile from one of those "Facebook of sex" websites. Turns out that my boyfriend has been posting naked pictures of himself on there using my laptop and flirting with teenage girls. His excuse? "I have friends on there." FML

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By lovehim - 25/1/2011 21:16 - United States

Today, I had to tell my boyfriend to stop inviting his mother on our dates. FML

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By mhogan - 10/3/2020 21:00 - Canada

The Laws of Attraction

Today, I was skiing and crashed into a tree. It was the only tree on the slope. FML

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By to_complicated_4_u - 4/5/2015 16:28 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

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By meh - 4/1/2010 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to get a baby tooth which had decayed removed. After almost an hour, I came out with a numb mouth and a missing tooth for life. It was not a baby tooth. FML

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By Winxy - 29/4/2015 22:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my three-year-old nephew chose to jump out of a window and break his arm rather than be babysat by me. FML

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By Meagan Ortiz - 16/8/2020 23:02

Wardrobe change please

Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML

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By zac545 - 19/2/2009 06:14 - United States

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2013 21:06 - Finland - Vanda

Today, I had an important job interview at another company. I'd tried to keep it secret from everyone at work, so they wouldn't tell my boss, as I can't afford to get on his bad side yet. My mom posted on my Facebook wall, wishing me luck. I'm Facebook friends with most of my colleagues. FML

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By PainStressLife - 11/11/2013 05:17 - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

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By omgwtf - 1/6/2019 04:00

Today, I found out my girlfriend had changed my ringtone to some woman moaning with pleasure continuously. I found this out in the middle of a job interview when she rang me. FML

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By JN5SLK - 8/11/2013 22:29 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

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By Biggest Jerk - 14/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my driver's ed class, and I woke up in a middle of a dream laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his vegetative niece who didn't wear a seat belt. FML

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By carmelita - 16/7/2009 15:09 - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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By Sawarski - 7/1/2013 20:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML

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By sammy18f - 24/2/2015 03:46 - United States - Brentwood

Today, a man asked me for directions outside of a local store. After about five minutes into the conversation, I noticed he had whipped his penis out and was stroking it. He then asked me if I liked what I saw. FML

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By Mommy - 29/9/2010 22:47 - United States

Today, my daughter watched a potty training video on Sesame Street. In the middle of the video, she got up and ran to her potty to practice. She then announced, "All done!", and proudly closed the lid to her potty. She then immediately stood on top of it and peed. FML

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By inder - 25/2/2011 16:03 - United Kingdom

Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2017 04:00

Today, I found out why my girlfriend removed me from Facebook last week. Turns out she didn't want me to see pics of her with a new boyfriend. How I found out? My coworker, her new boyfriend, left his messenger open during lunch. FML

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By blahblah - 24/5/2010 04:14 - United States

No sleep til Brooklyn

Today, finally we got our toddler daughter to sleep in her own bed. The wife and I were both excited to finally have our room to ourselves. Just as our daughter was about to fall asleep, the damn cat went into her room and loudly hacked up a huge hairball. Now she's back in mommy's and daddy's bed. FML

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By Never Been Arrested - 1/3/2016 21:44 - United States - State College

Today, I was once again mistaken for an escaped convict. I live near a women's correctional facility and apparently my nursing scrubs look a lot like their prisoners' uniforms. The cop made me late for work. FML

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By ohyey - 29/1/2011 01:50 - Norway

Dead bed

Today, I discovered that my wife isn't cheating on me after all, as I'd feared. We just don't have sex anymore. FML

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By that one anon - 7/5/2015 06:27 - United States - San Diego

Today, I called one of my old coworkers to see how she was doing. My boyfriend answered the phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 15:58 - United States - Dade City

Today, a radio show asked the question, "Where does the dentist live in Finding Nemo?" I called in and got through. When he asked me the question, instead of the actual answer I quickly gave out my own address over live radio. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2016 22:01

Today, my roommate's boyfriend professed his love to me. I kicked him out, and he stood outside the door calling my name until he saw my roommate coming down the hall. They both came in and he acted like nothing happened. FML

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By patrick - 17/3/2010 16:15 - United States

Today, it's Saint Patrick's Day and the nicest day of the year so far. I'm spending it in the bathroom, puking up the sushi I'd eaten last night. The luck of the Irish can't help me on this one. FML

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By Peter - 25/11/2010 10:25

Today, while at work, I got fired because I was 'hitting' on my boss's wife who also works in the same company. Since when does 'asking for paper clips' mean 'hitting on'? FML

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By ShitFaced - 1/3/2012 11:35 - United States

Today, I realized I've never had sex with someone who was sober at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2012 18:12 - United States - San Jacinto

Today, it's garbage day. My mom accidentally threw away a receipt she needed to return something and told me to go get it. While I was looking for it, a cop gave me hell for "stealing recyclables on private property." This all happened in my front lawn. FML

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By homeless4Christmas - 24/12/2009 05:54 - New Zealand

Today, I flew my wife, myself and three kids to pay a surprise visit to my parents who were going to be alone for Christmas. When we arrived, we found out they decided to go on vacation. We have nowhere to go. FML

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By littlefella - 4/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Novato

Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML

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By "ZeroG57" - 4/5/2017 14:00

Today my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement". Yup, it's a cult. FML

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By fucking SUCKS let's do it LIIIIIIIVEEEEEEEEE! - 10/12/2015 13:45 - United States

Today, my girlfriend jumped into my arms for a kiss. She's done it before, but this time I wasn't expecting it. I fell backwards, straight through my glass coffee table. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 09:58 - New Zealand

Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said "Not yet." FML

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Top comments

By dathan | 14

#5453643 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:14

Hmm. I'm missing some information here... Was he like 3 or 4 years old, or like 16?

By Jonaahhhh | 12

#5453646 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:16

Ask him if it will be harder to see with two black eyes... That sucks, OP (Keep in mind I'm saying this under the assumption that her brother isn't too young)

COMMENTS

By refticon | 29

#5453642 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:13

first to comment in 2 years time !

Kenton1008 | 21

#5453644 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:15

Congratulations. None of us really care.

firefighter925 | 18

#5453678 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:34

#1 already said that!!!

By dathan | 14

#5453643 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:14

Hmm. I'm missing some information here... Was he like 3 or 4 years old, or like 16?

Soloman212 | 28

#5453648 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:17

It was a reference to the song, so I'm guessing about 16.

Smashhoof | 15

#5453708 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:52

I think he's 43.

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#5453717 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:57

I think he's closer to 15.47865.

HiIAmKevin | 8

#5453898 - Thursday 18 April 2013 0:59

If I had to guess it would be somewhere around 3... Maybe 3.141592653589793?

Yes it's a Pi reference. Everyone loves Pi.

onealmxwilson | 18

#5454110 - Thursday 18 April 2013 5:18

But unfortunately 58, no one loves your comment.

CaptTeemo | 10

#5454201 - Thursday 18 April 2013 7:10

It definitely wasn't Pi's fault though.

Ryodin | 11

#5454519 - Thursday 18 April 2013 15:43

Irrelevant. Revenge time.

HiIAmKevin | 8

#5454877 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:49

77- Yea I see that :(. Mind sharing some of your likes?

By thatgirlincali | 13

#5453645 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:15

He was just trying to help. Lol

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5454006 - Thursday 18 April 2013 2:58

lol.

Bubbelz | 24

#5454064 - Thursday 18 April 2013 4:35

lol.

postoso | 20

#5454084 - Thursday 18 April 2013 4:50

Lol

xXHollowIchigoXx | 17

#5454098 - Thursday 18 April 2013 5:08

l0lmf40

waffle3z | 6

#5454130 - Thursday 18 April 2013 5:41

Melissa?

thatgirlincali | 13

#5463811 - Wednesday 24 April 2013 23:01

Who's Melissa?

By Jonaahhhh | 12

#5453646 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 22:16

Ask him if it will be harder to see with two black eyes... That sucks, OP (Keep in mind I'm saying this under the assumption that her brother isn't too young)