Love: Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on Facebook was "FML". FML

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Proactive

Jealousy

Optimism

By - France

Today, my two favorite things in the world are Pizza and Beer... I now discover I have Celiac and can't have either. FML

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By Oddity_C - United States

Today, while at work, I was picking up paper in the bathroom. In one stall I saw what I thought was a wadded piece of the brown paper to dry your hands. It wasn't until I realized it was sticking to my bare hand that I realized it was feces. Human feces. FML

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By Badday

Today, I received a call from a company attempting to steal me away. Flattered, I told them I liked my job and the answer was no. When I told my boss, he said they're thinking about laying me off and I should've taken the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guest of the private beach club I work at asked if I could do something about the water temperature in the ocean. I laughed, thinking it was a joke. She was serious and complained to my boss, saying I was absolutely no help. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to take my girlfriend to a nice dinner before prom. Her parents followed her in, and joined us to "keep an eye on me." They interrupted all our conversations, ate an expensive meal, then got up and walked out when the waitress brought the $95 check, leaving me to pay for it. FML

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By

Today, I have to pay my college an extra $1000 because there is a $20 charge every time you get locked out of your room, and I have an extremely poor short-term memory. I'm also only allowed to have exactly one keycard at any given time. FML

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By beta

Today, my date unexpectedly brought her friend to dinner with us. They seemed bored of me after ten minutes and left me out of their conversation for the rest of the night. Oh, and they made me pay for both of them. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

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By SugarCoat

Bastard Bambi busts bumper

Today, I volunteered to go get ice cream if I could use my mother's car. She told me to be VERY careful. Not ten minutes later, I hit a deer, which got up and walked off as though nothing had happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

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By DEE

Out of the mouth of babes...

Today, while I was getting ready for the day, my 5-year-old daughter looked at me and said, "Mom, maybe you should do some gymnastics today. Your legs look bigger." FML

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By SHAME!

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I found out that the last time he saw me I was blind drunk and vomiting after having propositioned him all evening. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the adventure, I couldn't stop screaming at the top of my lungs from all of the scares. Suddenly, the little girl ahead of me, who was all by herself, turned around and told me to "suck it up and grow a pair, loser." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My best friend decided to have a birthday party for me at this new bar. She texted the wrong address to all of my friends. They showed up at a computer store. FML

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By boredbymyself - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States

NFL 2020

Today, it was the first game of 2020 Notre Dame football. My boyfriend’s family are huge fans and were upset because they weren’t doing well. When I left to get snacks for everyone, Notre Dame finally started playing better. I’ve been sent to the kitchen until further notice, because apparently I’m “bad luck”. FML

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By Satver7

An Inconvenient Thief

Today, after meeting a girl for the first time and having sex with her, I found not only my wallet missing but also the 128 GB pen drive that had my project I've been working on for 6 months on it. I have to give the presentation in 3 days. FML

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By ProudMother - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, my 20-year-old came whining to me, asking why his job interviews keep going so poorly. I had to delicately explain that the "PIMP SLAP" tattoo he had put on his right hand recently may have something to do with it. FML

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By Marion - 14/10/2020 20:01 - United States - Portland

Not invited, I guess

Today, I was talking to a coworker about gender reveal parties, and how dumb and dangerous they're becoming. A nearby coworker then burst into tears and ran out. It appears that she's having one this weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I was removing large shrubs from a house. I heard my co-worker yell something, but I couldn't hear him, so I just pulled the stump out anyway. What I realized too late was that he was telling me that there was a swarm of bees living behind the stump. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Grand Falls

Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

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By helpme - United States - Annapolis

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

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By Doubleyew1 - United States

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

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By sucks - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

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By j.b. - United States

Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

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By awkward O_o - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

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By nonameLiz - United States

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

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By Sarah - United States - Hampton Bays

Today, I found out that I'm not actually allergic to chocolate, when my mom freely admitted to me that she made it up when I was a child because she didn't want to share any cookies with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 00:58 - Canada - Brandon

Time marches on

Today, after looking back at our high school photos, I told my fiancée I’ve been scared lately that I’m getting uglier with age, and that I was much prettier back then. He got really quiet, and then agreed with me.. I’m only 24. FML

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By KortniiE - 23/3/2021 20:01

Congrats?

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years proposed without a ring. He told me he would get it once his divorce papers are final. I didn't know he was married. FML

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By sherronj - United States

Today, I announced to my family that I will be trying out for the next season of America's Best Dance Crew. They responded by laughing hysterically and my mother said "You guys suck, good luck making it past auditions". FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs. It was the best compliment I've received in months. FML

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By Karen1428 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, my principal observed me teach my high school social studies class. At the end of the period, he told me, "Your zipper was open the entire time. I wonder if the students noticed that your underwear matched the buildup of dandruff on your shoulder." FML

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By FailingMyCourse - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my university had not accepted the internship I did when I was in college. They placed me in the same bank I interned in, with the same bank manager that I flipped the middle finger at after finishing my internship. FML

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By Kay Jacline Salvatierra

Shivering Herbert

Today, it's the third night in a row that I have had a sexual dream involving another woman. I'm married and when I tried talking to my husband about pleasing me better, he told me he doesn't want to go down on me because it makes him nervous. FML

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By Ellie - United States

Today, I was practicing for a choir concert that I have next week. My mom walked into my room and listened to me for a little while. After I finished the last song, she smiled, patted me on the head and said, "It's okay honey, I can't sing either." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Castle

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I really like. I lifted my arms to put my hair in a ponytail when he noticed a hole that had apparently tore in the armpit of my shirt, so he put his finger through it. I haven't shaved in weeks. FML

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By kat124ever - United States - Apo

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML

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By thelunarwolf

Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML

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Top comments

By cherngbutter | 0

#183854 - Sunday 10 May 2009 2:14

That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you...maybe FHL because she had a hangover or something. Don't lose hope! haha

By fmylifedotcomm | 0

#183860 - Sunday 10 May 2009 2:15

it doesn't necessarily have to be about you...
maybe she ate a bug or something...

COMMENTS

By AtoZnumbersand_ | 1

#183814 - Sunday 10 May 2009 2:09

Lol. second time first. I lost my fml comment virginity twice.

Reply

crigger61 | 7

#1525963 - Sunday 10 October 2010 6:32

irony ftw

By purplestuff_fml | 0

#183817 - Sunday 10 May 2009 2:10

:(

Reply

YUMmMm | 0

#985455 - Tuesday 27 April 2010 1:47

OP who says that status is for you? what if she's just saying FML bc of smbody else?

Reply

kasumirock | 13

#4357352 - Thursday 26 April 2012 10:47

She said that because she friendzoned you for a reason. It's harsh, but it's the truth.

By shiroun | 0

#183822 - Sunday 10 May 2009 2:10

you should her, then tell all your friends.

By foreverxalwaysx | 0

#183845 - Sunday 10 May 2009 2:14

:[

By Hacksaw | 4

#183846 - Sunday 10 May 2009 2:14

Dang, that sucks. Sorry to hear that, man.

By Musikal | 0

#183851 - Sunday 10 May 2009 2:14

Ouch.

By cherngbutter | 0

#183854 - Sunday 10 May 2009 2:14

That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you...maybe FHL because she had a hangover or something. Don't lose hope! haha

By fmylifedotcomm | 0

#183860 - Sunday 10 May 2009 2:15

it doesn't necessarily have to be about you...
maybe she ate a bug or something...

By imthejuggernautt | 0

#183862 - Sunday 10 May 2009 2:15

What is this i don't even

By Alice_Renee | 0

#183866 - Sunday 10 May 2009 2:16

Fuck man! That sucks!