Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up after a night of partying and heavy drinking....

By Anonymous - 03/06/2012 17:43 - Spain - Tordesillas

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and heavy drinking. Apparently word travels quickly, because everyone now knows that I spent hours lying in an empty bathtub, rubbing shampoo over my body with the expectation that it'd increase my penis size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 006

You deserved it 34 747

Miscellaneous

Our house, in the middle of our street

Purr Evil

Fight!

By enriquegay - 28/03/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dropped me off for a class and I accidentally closed my exceptionally baggy pants in the passenger door. She didn't notice and started to drive away. I spent the next fifteen seconds being dragged across rough pavement with my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 069

You deserved it 37 453

By waterspike - 29/01/2010 13:18 - France

Today, after finally getting a date with the girl I like, she invited her new boyfriend along as well. I ended up paying for their first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 721

You deserved it 9 928

By auto boogie man - 19/11/2015 16:44 - United States - New York

Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 923

You deserved it 2 128

By Mr. Hopeless - 13/02/2009 21:59 - United States

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said "sorry I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 842

You deserved it 4 183

Pants on fire

By Anonymous - 29/09/2013 04:12 - United States

Today, I texted a cute picture of my boyfriend and me to my mom, who lives very far away. She replied saying that my Photoshop skills are great, but that I don't need to go so far to pretend that anyone would date me, and that there's no shame in being single at 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 135

You deserved it 3 263

By cunts, cunts everywhere - 11/03/2013 11:57 - Australia

Today, my brother yelled at me, calling me a "no-good fucking whore", because I couldn't fix his laptop. The same laptop he threw on the floor after screaming "FUCKING HEAL MEEE!" at his game. As ever, my parents took his side, refusing to believe that I can't fix a cracked monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 291

You deserved it 2 769

By mylifesucks - 18/04/2009 07:20 - Netherlands

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

I agree, your life sucks 123 167

You deserved it 7 003

By Anonymous - 19/02/2011 21:29 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 005

You deserved it 44 697

By Christopher - 13/12/2010 09:16 - Canada

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 572

You deserved it 6 169

By poop - 28/02/2012 07:10 - United States

Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 808

You deserved it 12 934

Unexpected visitor

By Anonymous - 07/02/2021 21:30

Today I went to a much-anticipated job interview. I've been out of work for a month and I really need and wanted this job. I then realized that yesterday's hike was not a good idea when a tick crawled across my forehead in the middle of the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 830

You deserved it 149

But was he cute though?

By Leah Truncale - 24/11/2020 13:58 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I met a boy on Snapchat. I sent him my picture and he said I was cute. We talked for a bit, and I said, "Okay" to something. Then he sent his picture, but my slow Wi-Fi made it look like I said okay to his picture, right after he'd called me cute. I tried to explain, but he said I was just trying to be nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 116

By sam - 26/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I realized I sent over 2 dozen job applications with my dating profile word doc instead of my resume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 495

You deserved it 3 531

By Anonymous - 22/09/2017 04:30

Today, I saw a creepy guy grab a woman's ass on the bus, so I caught his arm and put him in an arm lock, only for the woman to hit me in the head with her handbag. Turns out they were a married couple on their way home to have sex, and who couldn't resist a quick grope during the journey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 041

You deserved it 4 580

By DangerousDriver - 03/07/2017 22:10

Today, while delivering for a building supply company, I was sent to an incorrect address. I attempted to turn around and got the 24-foot truck stuck in the mud. The homeowner left for work and then called the cops, saying someone was trespassing on his property. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 511

You deserved it 398

By Anonymous - 21/05/2010 00:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a pair of ankle weights for my birthday. How utterly romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 559

You deserved it 5 223

By Anonymous - 17/01/2012 13:20 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend, who is supposed to protect me from murderers and rapists, had an emotional breakdown because he was so excited that I'd cooked french fries for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 944

You deserved it 27 844

By doomed - 11/02/2015 00:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband recited to me the name and model number of every single weapon in the game Doom, along with what they did and roughly where to find them. Last month, he forgot my birthday. We've been married for 6 years; he hasn't played Doom in at least 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 055

You deserved it 3 774

By NoRespect - 22/05/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, I spent an hour setting up a delicate display stand at work. Not five minutes later, a woman barged in with her little kid, who immediately went up to the display and tipped the whole thing over. When I called attention to the mother, she just scoffed, "Isn't this your job?" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 570

You deserved it 3 244

Caring

By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 23:58 - Antigua and Barbuda - Saint John's

Today, I woke up with a fever, headache and sore throat. All the symptoms of Covid-19. I told my husband, whose responded with, "Sack up and get over yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 155

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 11:15 - France - Ville-d'avray

Today, after a drunken New Year's Eve party with friends, I woke up with a penis on my cheek. It wasn't a drawing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 709

You deserved it 2 010

Absolute beginners

By dancerr2210 - 09/06/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 065

You deserved it 6 936

The step before rat-licker

By Annabelle - 17/03/2021 17:01

Today, I got caught sniffing a rat, and now my boss is forcing me to be tested for the black death and is "terrified" that I made everyone sick, and says I may be fired from my job as a pediatric anesthesiologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 1 072

By akasoor - 11/02/2013 01:51 - Canada - Hythe

Today, I went to the local pet store to purchase a large dog bed so my dog wouldn't sleep in mine. After I got home and set up her bed, I realized I forgot to buy dog treats. When I came home again, her new bed was torn to shreds, and she was still sleeping on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 157

You deserved it 5 909

By katurday - 03/11/2009 15:59 - United States

Today, my landlord came over while I wasn't home. My friend and her pets were thrown out by her husband. I'm the only person she knows in this state and she begged me to stay. I reluctantly told her fine; just don't answer the door. She did, with the animals, and told him she was living here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 177

You deserved it 6 363

By Peekaboo - 26/08/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I learned that the "If I can't see you, you can't see me." rule is entirely false. Just because I can't initially see my creepy neighbor, doesn't mean he isn't watching me change my clothes through the blinds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 936

You deserved it 3 863

By ineedbetterfriends - 15/06/2013 21:08 - Netherlands - Amersfoort

Today, I told my friend, who's a marriage counsellor, about some of the things my husband does that I hate, like snoring loudly and eating with his mouth open. I wasn't asking for advice, but she just looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Divorce." Bye-bye, faith in humanity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 567

You deserved it 5 718

By ashamedklutz - 22/02/2014 00:20 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, with a single misstep, I managed to send myself and several others tumbling down a stairwell at work. An ambulance ended up having to be called for one lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 519

You deserved it 5 040

By Anonymous - 06/11/2016 13:50

Today, I was so tired at the pet store I was working at that I accidentally offered a kid a dog treat instead of their dog. He ate it. While his mom watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 904

You deserved it 1 359

You wish!

By Anonymous - 22/04/2012 02:22 - United States

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 730

You deserved it 2 460

By Anonymous - 28/08/2012 23:08 - United States - Merrillville

Today, I announced to my boyfriend that I'm pregnant. He immediately denied that it was his because "a childhood accident" supposedly left him sterile. He has a child from a previous relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 785

You deserved it 5 838

By Andrew - 31/10/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I got married. We both promised to remain abstinent until our wedding day. She's on her period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 711

You deserved it 9 849

By Anonymous - 04/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 515

You deserved it 8 126

By Vermont? - 22/02/2017 05:00 - United States

Today, in my AP U.S. history class, we had a very long, very slow discussion about whether or not Vermont is a state. I think I lost brain cells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 295

You deserved it 406

By Anonymous - 27/07/2018 08:00 - United States - Macon

Today, as I was pulling into work at 15 weeks pregnant, I projectile vomit all over myself and my vehicle. I had an emotional breakdown as I went back home, and called my boss to let him know I would not be in that day. I am now looking for a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 973

You deserved it 497

By BloodyHands - 17/12/2017 15:00

Today, my coworker and I were written up after we dropped a glass table, which shattered and left us with big cuts on our hands and arms. We weren’t written up for breaking the piece, but because a nearby customer heard us both swear in pain and reported us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 366

You deserved it 305

By Anonymous - 23/06/2019 20:30

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 930

You deserved it 117

Time to adopt a bunch of cats

By Anonymous - 02/03/2021 15:30 - United States

Today, I burst into tears when my 35 year-old cousin announced on social media she is going to be a grandma. Her 16 year-old son's girlfriend is pregnant. I am 33, single, and have been romantically invisible to everyone my whole life. I'm gonna die alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 191

By Falling off the wagon - 09/11/2013 13:20 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my uncle gave me a very expensive bottle of champagne at a celebratory family event. We were celebrating me spending 1 year sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 377

You deserved it 3 549

By aireeahna - 20/05/2016 06:04 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've been talking to. We ended up at his house around 4 a.m., but as we walked through the front door, his ex girlfriend was sitting on the couch, apparently waiting for him to get home. They still live together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 006

You deserved it 1 067

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Top comments

mpsteve137 15

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Monday 4 June 2012 0:38

Wtf, you're supposed to use conditioner to do that. Duh

kyleekay 25

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Monday 4 June 2012 4:17

Oh, we've totally all been there. Took me a while of frustrating failed drunken attempts before I realized I didn't have a penis.

mpsteve137 15

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Monday 4 June 2012 0:38

Wtf, you're supposed to use conditioner to do that. Duh

Damn_Hippster 11

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Monday 4 June 2012 0:50

Wait your telling me that DOESN'T increase my penis size??! All the those lonely nights rubbing shampoo on myself for nothing!!

Dr0reos 8

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Monday 4 June 2012 1:10

Really because ive had good results with head and shoulders shampoo

Trisha_aus 15

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Monday 4 June 2012 2:45

Hangover 3

JocelynKaulitz 28

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Monday 4 June 2012 3:26

You're supposed to use the shampoo that helps prevent dryness and add more volume…

xalba 9

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Monday 4 June 2012 3:33

Hahaha that funny

The_CL0GGER 0

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Monday 4 June 2012 3:49

umm... There are about 7 things that points to YDI in this FML.

Inheritance 10

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Monday 4 June 2012 4:16

Question is OP did it work?

EvilPotato 14

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Monday 4 June 2012 5:31

35 oh ya tell me about it, nothings worst than dry pubic hair. Gotta keep it moist.

yuggi1 11

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Monday 4 June 2012 8:26

You people are so off! The only shampoo that works for that is the one with the stallion logo. Never heard of the reference; hung like a horse? Yup.

yellowpuppies 5

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Monday 4 June 2012 15:32

Dude I thought it was soap

SuperKnuckels 6

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Tuesday 5 June 2012 2:02

naw none of those products will work. But.. Smuckers will... unless thats too fancy for you.

GaleHawthorne 0

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Tuesday 5 June 2012 5:56

Ron Jeremy was wrong? ;(

bete_noire_fml 7

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Monday 4 June 2012 0:39

Yep, think we've all been there.

Dr0reos 8

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Monday 4 June 2012 1:16

Yeah I once got really coked up on bath salts and bit off a hobos face by the side of the road.

NoYDI 4

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Monday 4 June 2012 1:41

Sorry for party rockin'!

kyleekay 25

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Monday 4 June 2012 4:17

Oh, we've totally all been there. Took me a while of frustrating failed drunken attempts before I realized I didn't have a penis.

kittenvks 11

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Monday 4 June 2012 4:59

51- it's just so unfair!!

MrBrightside21 20

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Monday 4 June 2012 22:12

I'm a guy, but most of the time, I can't even find my penis.

DrewFluIngle 10

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Sunday 16 September 2012 2:28

Well that's a bad day or your penis has become retractable xD

Give_Linux_A_Go 28

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Monday 4 June 2012 0:40

Someone told me that works. It doesn't, it's a sham and quite frankly it's ridickulous.

slayer447 17

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Monday 4 June 2012 4:07

Your joke was bad and you should feel bad.

retyi43 14

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Monday 4 June 2012 7:01

I found "ridickulous" quite amusing.

himynameischeese 6

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Monday 4 June 2012 7:52

Lighten up! Let the man dream!

Achall91 17

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Monday 4 June 2012 9:44

I didn't even realize the pun I just thought the guy was an idiot because he spelt ridiculous wrong.

Give_Linux_A_Go 28

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Monday 4 June 2012 15:32

Yeesh, didn't see the -21 score coming. I almost certainly do feel bad. Apologies.

hblank 4

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Monday 4 June 2012 0:41

Yea, trust Linux. He knows.

sidewaysponytail 0

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Monday 4 June 2012 0:42

Well that sucks, but you did deserve it. But I'd hate to see how boring you are when you aren't stoned...honestly normal drunk stuff

Llamacod 11

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Monday 4 June 2012 3:34

dude you gotta lay off of the reefer, it says nothing about being stoned just drinking. I think you gotta quit reliving your own personal experiences of getting stoned and shampooing your dick to make it bigger

sidewaysponytail 0

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Monday 4 June 2012 4:06

I kid he's probably a very nice interesting funny attractive person. Calllllmmmmmm doooowwwwwnnnnnnn:)

AsianCookie247 14

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Monday 4 June 2012 11:44

40 - Mr ponytail's first comment was probably made while coming down from a high or withdrawals from lack of, and their second comment was most likely made once they took a couple hits from the bong. It's like a Before and After, they even included a smiley face to show how happy they are!

kirstyannemiller 4

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Monday 4 June 2012 0:43

Did it work? I mean all good things come at a price, right?

TheEpicMilkMan 13

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Monday 4 June 2012 10:51

I'm pretty sure it didn't if he posted about it on fml...

11mandy80 6

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Monday 4 June 2012 0:44

I thought u were supposed to use soap

SkoomaKi 27

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Monday 4 June 2012 0:46

Size doesn't matter! Although at least your body hairs will be clean and silky smooth.

kyleekay 25

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Monday 4 June 2012 3:50

Size doesn't matter only if you know how to use what you've got. Maybe poor OP is a bit lackluster in the love makin' department, and size is his only hope of redemption. Not everyone can be natural-born sexperts like you, SkoomaKi.