Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my roommate's girlfriend came to visit for a couple of days, and we fucked behind his back. My roommate told me he just tested positive for syphilis. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML
Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML
Today, I saw my roommate walk out of his room into the kitchen with a used condom in his hand, and plop it into the garbage disposal. "I don't really trust this girl" is all he said before he opened his door and walked back into his room. FML
Today, I was at my friend's place with a bunch of people. I saw a pair of panties in his laundry basket, so of course I yelled, "DUDE! YOU GOT LAID!" Turns out he didn't get laid, he was 'experimenting'. He was so mortified, he burst out crying and threw us all out. FML
Today, my roommate spends so much time in our dorm room that I got a boner when I heard him leaving for class, because it was my first chance in days to jack off in peace. FML
Today, I listened to my roommate having sex from 3 a.m. until 6 a.m. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML
Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML
Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. They are my best friends. FML
Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML
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Top comments
EndOfSekrets 13
Talk shit, get laid.
Big_Pickle 18
You win some, you lose some.
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Comments (81)
stryder9090 28
she must've been from the 2girls1cup video...nAsty!
Canyoudig_it 19
That seriously has to be the strangest compliment I've ever heard of.
0ss 12
Guess she takes pride in a man whos not afraid to share his bowel movements. I'd tell you to follow by example, but that would be shitty advice if he merely fluked out.
a_wiener_d0g 15
He must have some serious game to pull that one off
mchmelev1993 10
Ahhh nothing beats your left hand!
oddities 20
Except your right hand. Unless you aren't right handed.
thomcmoore 23
I don't it's his left hand that needs to worry about being beaten.
Steve95401 49
I never knew that being "regular" had such great benefits.
Raging_hamster 5
Girls really are idiots these days.
YongWang 5
Your roommate must look Bradley Cooper or this chick is incredibly shallow. Why not both!!
illegalbeagle69 23
Por que no las dos?!
Abello1209 11
Horny
illegalbeagle69 23
Rhino. I win.
toastedbagel14 3
I don't find anything weird about that. Just as long as he washes his hands thoroughly afterwards.