Miscellaneous: Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom... - FML

By Megannn - United States

Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML

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Serious times

The student becomes the master

Scoville scale

By 12yearsoldapparently - United States - Charleston

Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by going out on a date with a nice guy I recently met on a dating site. Just at the start of the date, he asked me how old I was, and out of pure nervousness, I blurted out, "12!" I'm 24. FML

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By newhostess - United States

Today, I was training for my new job at a restaurant. As part of training, they give you free food so you know what to reccommend, and the dish I got was really good. Eight hours later I saw it again while I was puking; I got food poisoning from my own place of work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking down the hall of my old school, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Behind the faculty parking lot where I parked my truck, two students were having sex on my tailgate. FML

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By sadcat - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet. He said he felt a strange lump that could be serious. I got really upset and picked her up, crying. The vet then told me I had to put her down. Absolutely devastated by having to euthanize my cat, I passed out. He meant I had to put her back on the table. FML

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By greenblue90 - United States

Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML

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By you're just creepy. - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I smiled at a new kid and started a conversation with him, just to be nice. He later sent me 24 messages describing how strong his love for me is. I'm scared to go to school tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my sister and I got into a fight. I came home to find everything in my room covered in ketchup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. During my absence my parents divorced, dad took the house and most of the money, sister is seven months pregnant, brother was arrested for statutory rape, and my mom pawned all my stuff to buy booze to "cope." Oh, and my fish died. FML

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By Demotivation - Germany - Berlin

Today, I was once again handed a document to translate along with the comment "Good luck, it doesn't make sense to begin with." If my translation doesn't, though, I will not get paid. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a date after months of rejection and loneliness. Everything was going great until my date argued with me over the correct way to pronounce my name. FML

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By katharine - United States

Lesson learned

Today, I was daydreaming in bed when my phone rang from across the room. I scrambled out of my covers, tripped over a pair of boots I had by the bed, and slipped on some jeans laying on the floor. Luckily, I answered my phone in time, but only to have my mom tell me to clean my room before she got home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally finished my art project which was worth 50% of my quarterly grade. I came in 1st period to give it to her. When she turned to look at it, her elbow hit her coffee and spilled it all over the canvas. I got 60%. She said I would have had a 100%, except for the giant coffee stain. FML

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By FailingMyCourse - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my university had not accepted the internship I did when I was in college. They placed me in the same bank I interned in, with the same bank manager that I flipped the middle finger at after finishing my internship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

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By Ellen - United States

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

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By jackzz - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, at the restaurant I work at, my own mom refused to give a tip and complained to my boss. FML

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By BurnedByAWaiter

Today, I went on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. My date was running a bit late, so I went ahead and got a table. I got bored, so I decided to ask my waiter how I looked. He stood there, then said that "it's against company policy to mock customers to their face." FML

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By CanadianEH

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

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By Moose - United States - Charleston

Today, I found out that storing a partially empty bowl of ice cream in the freezer overnight along with the spoon, and then trying to take a bite the next day, can have the same effect as sticking your tongue on a flagpole in the middle of winter. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML

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By Fucked4life

Today, I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. I've had a really bad week and am feeling depressed, and he knows this. He's also just decided to tell me he has a two-month-old daughter. We do not have an open relationship. FML

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By bdavis - Canada

Today, I was using a power drill to take down the set for the musical we just finished. My long hair got caught in the drill, got ripped out and now I have a hurting, bleeding bald spot the size of 2 quarters. FML

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By hawaiiansokkrboi - United States

Today, I was practicing soccer at my school. My team was practicing penalty kicks. It was my turn up and this cute girl that I like was watching off ten feet away from the goal. I was running to take the kick when I slipped and kicked the ball. It hit her head and now she won't talk to me. FML

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By minder97 - Canada

Today, my sister had a friend for a sleepover. They filmed a video in which the friend was lying in my bed, singing. An hour after the girl went home, her parents called. She has lice, and had brought them to our house unknowingly. I can see each and every individual larva on my pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to drive the guy I've been seeing for the past few months to the emergency room. So that he could witness the birth of his newest child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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By Chocolaty - Australia - Geelong

Today, I spiced things up by lying on the bed and pouring melted white chocolate on myself. I called out to my fiancé to come in. He was 'checking' his favourite scene in Batman vs Superman and couldn't hear me. I was stuck unable to move for ten minutes until he finally heard me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my fiancé can't wear his ring at his parents house cause his mom and dad don’t want him to marry me, and it has nothing to do with me. They don’t like my parents so I’m not good enough for their son. FML

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By OhDear - United States

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. While I was holding my four year old son, he managed to unclip the back of my dress and give the whole church a show. FML

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By drooooooool - United States

Today, I was taking medicine for my sinus problems and trying to write an essay. I got most of the way done, then unexpectedly fell asleep on my keyboard. When I woke up, my face was wet. I drowned my laptop in my drool. FML

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By brows - United States

Today, I went to get my eyebrows waxed at a korean salon. I have never been there before and it's hard to understand their accents. The women asked me if I wanted "them all off". Not fully understanding what she said, I agreed. When she showed me the mirror, she had taken off my whole eyebrow. FML

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By whatgoesaround - United States

Today, being a big believer in karma, I found it fitting that a girl that was always a bitch to me in high school is now fat and ugly. After sending one of her recent pictures with a mean caption to a few of my friends, I tripped and sprained my wrist falling up the stairs. Karma. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Qualicum Beach

Today, desperate to meet a guy, I went clubbing. The only guy to show any interest opened with: "You're hot, for a black chick!" FML

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By tinyfeet - New Zealand

Today, my company told me that they refuse to buy me new safety footwear without a doctor's note, because my shoe size is three sizes smaller than the minimum size my company provides. I actually have to get my doctor to prove my shoe size. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally went to the doctor for a condition I've had all my life. Turns out it was easily cured with a simple pill. I peed in my pants everyday for 27 years for nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while my boyfriend was sneaking out before my parents woke, he slipped on some ice and fell on their car. The alarm went off. FML

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By Sammy - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I came home to find that while my husband and children were mindlessly watching TV, one of our dogs got into the cupboard that stores the deep fryer. He got the lid off, ate all of the old oil and barfed everything up on the couch. FML

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By ShinedownCM

Today, I went to apply for classes at a college my parents signed me up to do dual credit with. Too bad they used my sister's social security number so I don't get credit for my old classes and my new application got thrown out. FML

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By that was mine - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

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Top comments

By cessily | 8

#4380807 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:04

Poor crazy old cat lady aint getting no lovin

By kiran_fml | 5

#4380810 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:05

Gas station condoms and ladies that smell like cat piss...sounds like you had an interesting day.

COMMENTS

By shantazat | 0

#4380804 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:03

What..?

Reply

detroitsucks247 | 3

#4380821 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:05

Ahhhhhhhh, America.

Reply

shantazat | 0

#4380829 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:06

Well, where else could this happen?

Reply

shantazat | 0

#4380836 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:10

It didn't really confuse me, it was just fascinating in a weird way that made my brain fart...

Reply

jasmine1259 | 2

#4380891 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:26

Dafuq did I just read?

Reply

Jonkbaby | 20

#4381209 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 10:52

really happy for you n your new relation ship

Reply

gojira666 | 7

#4381287 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 12:04

Thanks 13. If anyone read the FML and was confused, you helped about 0%

Reply

trollfaced | 2

#4381794 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 14:37

Condoms are 5$ and diapers are 20, think about it

Reply

Jonkbaby | 20

#4381908 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 15:32

huh ur crazy I wuld never put consumer on my 1 year old

Reply

Jonkbaby | 20

#4381915 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 15:33

*condum (bad autocorrect

Reply

Jonkbaby | 20

#4384094 - Thursday 3 May 2012 1:31

thanks Kay la bitch

Reply

shantazat | 0

#4384296 - Thursday 3 May 2012 1:55

I'm bored...
Does anyone here watch the Creatures on YouTube?

By cessily | 8

#4380807 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:04

Poor crazy old cat lady aint getting no lovin

Reply

VictoriaSchultz | 8

#4380885 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:23

She gets plenty from her cats considering they piss on her

Reply

JulieHope_fml | 7

#4380900 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:28

So there's a story behind the cat piss smell?

Reply

RaquelW | 7

#4381160 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 10:11

she's their territory now.

By f1r3wa11 | 0

#4380809 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:04

You just need to not care about people seeing you, most people don't care.

Reply

TruexSniper | 0

#4381682 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 13:58

Like a sir.

By kiran_fml | 5

#4380810 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:05

Gas station condoms and ladies that smell like cat piss...sounds like you had an interesting day.

By robbilee | 14

#4380814 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:05

Yep the good old days. Before she bought a wall condom, had sex, got pregnant cause the obvious shittyness of the condom, had a kid and is now a full time car lady.

Reply

robbilee | 14

#4380833 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:07

Cat* fkin auto fix

Reply

JulieHope_fml | 7

#4380975 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:43

It could have been worse, she could have said: "Back in the good ol' days used to be just like you..."

By chris36taylor | 2

#4380822 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:06

What the hell..?

By Caliborn_06 | 11

#4380826 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:06

Classy???

Reply

JessieMongoose | 11

#4381955 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 15:42

Sexy*

By iheartstewie7 | 5

#4380831 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:07

At least she didn't hug you..

By Helenarth | 6

#4380837 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:10

Why would you get embarrassed?

By DontClickOnMe | 28

#4380839 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:11

No need to be embarrassed. At least you're having safe sex.