Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom... - FML

By Megannn - 1/5/2012 23:43 - United States

Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML

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Season finale

Banished

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 9/4/2020 05:00

There's an app for everything

Today, my boyfriend told me that he could predict my periods because he keeps track of when I'm at my bitchiest each month. This wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so accurate. FML

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By kaleigh - 31/5/2011 17:01 - United States

Today, as I was walking out of a restaurant with my boyfriend, I saw some guys checking me out. One of them walked up to my boyfriend and said, "Dude, you and your girlfriend have matching moustaches!" FML

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By badmom - 30/1/2018 19:00

Today, I was told that I was a terrible mother, I was ruining my daughter’s life and that I was raising her to be promiscuous. Why? Because I'd painted my 2-year-old’s fingernails. FML

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By CreeptacularBait - 21/3/2018 15:00

Today, after my husband trusted me to sort out the arrangements for modifying our kitchen and I spent a lot of time finding the perfect top-quality items, they were delivered 1,291 miles away in a town I’ve never heard of. FML

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By shitday - 27/1/2013 23:47 - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, a cyclone hit my city. Though everywhere else is flooding, my house is fine. Well, that was until the toilet decided to overflow and regurgitate the entire town's sewerage. So now my only bathroom is covered in sewage, and I can't go anywhere else because of the flooding. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 13:17 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML

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By camerashyguy - 20/9/2014 03:14 - United States - Longview

Today, while giving directions to a blind guy, I accidentally made him walk into a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2015 14:59 - United States

Today, I took the biggest, most excruciatingly painful crap of my life. It was so bad that I couldn't walk straight for a good 20 minutes afterwards. Long enough for my boyfriend to film me limping around and post the clip to Facebook with the caption "#anal ftw ;)". FML

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By poorman - 9/10/2009 23:22 - Canada

Today, my mother, who religiously checks her bank account after every purchase, then shreds her receipts, got fed up with me not doing the same. So she shredded all my piled up receipts. These include the 100s of dollars I had spent for my work, which I need the receipts to get reimbursed for. FML

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By Bart - 3/7/2015 04:32 - France - Lille

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

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By saynotochrispine - 28/7/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that we would be living out one of his fantasies. When I showed up, ready to go, he began playing the theme song to Star Trek and asked me to call him Mr. Spock. FML

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By illenram06 - 11/7/2011 15:37 - Philippines

Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML

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By UnluckyInk - 18/2/2013 08:50 - United States - Manlius

Today, I went in to get my first tattoo. I'd put a lot of thought into it and was really excited when the day came. Long story short, the Celtic knot I'd gotten turned out to have an alternate meaning of "female sex slave." The faces my very Irish family made were beyond words. FML

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By lalalasmiles06 - 4/9/2010 03:47

Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML

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By everyoneheard - 28/3/2013 15:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was eating out with a group of friends and my boyfriend. During the meal, I accidentally took a sip from my male friend's glass. My boyfriend pointed and said, "Babe, you took his drink." My friend responded by putting his arm round me and saying, "Whatever, I took her virginity." FML

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By Chronicus Ironia - 17/10/2018 07:30 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife is leaving me for a tattoo artist. I was in rehab and she met him getting a tattoo as a surprise for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 04:00

Today, I was giving my one-year-old a bath. I'd finished washing her, so she started to play and splash. When I went to lift her out of the tub, I slipped and busted my kneecaps on the side. Guess who sat there and laughed hysterically as I cried out in agony. FML

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By masterdisaster - 11/4/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me he bought an assault rifle. I told him not to go off his meds and shoot up the store, as a joke. Later, my manager told me that the guy is on antidepressants and was discharged from the military for being "mentally unfit." FML

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By ThisGuy775 - 19/9/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

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By ripfluffy - 28/9/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML

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By smh - 27/6/2013 23:37 - United States - Milltown

Today, my sister called me up extremely excited because she found out Flo Rida is from Florida. She's 22. FML

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By whattabrat - 26/2/2012 05:16 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2019 02:25

The Dilbert Principle

Today, I had to attend an interview in order to keep my job, despite exceeding all of my targets for over a year. My supervisor has not reached a single target at all in the same time, yet his job is safe and not under review. FML

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By Ash - 27/5/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I saw this tourist almost get hit by a cab. After he walked away I complained to my boyfriend about how idiotic people like him just deserve to die. After 5 blocks of my ranting the tourist turns around and says "I'm right in front of you bitch." I hid behind my laughing boyfriend. FML

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By Vampprobs - 25/3/2014 01:52 - United States - Skandia

Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML

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By whasian - 21/9/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent me a birthday present. It was a necklace for me to wear at my wedding. The pendant is a well known lesbian symbol. I'm a woman and I'm marrying her son. FML

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By whaaaaat111 - 9/3/2013 12:04 - United States - Vienna

Today, while at the mall, a lady dropped her credit card while in line to buy something. I came over, picked it up and gave it to her just for her to shove it in my hand and scream, "She's stealing my wallet! My wallet!" The police came. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2015 22:26 - United States - Irving

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

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By Embarrassed ass. - 23/10/2015 04:05 - United States - Oregon City

Today, while on a walk during lunch, I urgently needed to pee. Not thinking I could make it back to the office, I slipped into some bushes to relieve myself. As I was going, I looked to the side and saw two coworkers staring back at me. They were having sex, and I'm there with my dick out. Awkward. FML

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By Emily - 3/7/2010 18:57 - Australia

Today, after spending a great evening with the guy I really like, he dropped me off outside my house. When he pulled into my driveway, his lights shone onto my drunken mum taking the garbage out in nothing but her black panties. FML

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By anonymous - 27/3/2013 23:55 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I awoke to my husband talking to someone on the phone at 2am. I heard him say, "Baby you're making me hard." Immediately, I asked him who he was talking to. His response? "It's Jake, from State Farm." FML

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By shook - 6/9/2017 14:00 - United States - Clermont

Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 05:59 - United States

Today, my cat played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

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By lovinglife - 24/12/2011 12:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I wrapped my boyfriend's Christmas presents for him, because he was too lazy to do it himself. This included my own present. FML

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By karmafails - 1/5/2012 16:17 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I was at the supermarket when I saw an elderly lady slip on a wet patch of floor. I ran over to help, and I almost fell too before steadying myself. Then some pimply cockmunch of a teen decided to kick my legs out from under me and walk away while laughing his balls off. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 00:01

Today, my landlord asked me to get rid of the flower boxes I have at the window in the stairwell. Why? Because they are disgusting. Why are they disgusting? Because his cat keeps using them as a litter box. FML

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By - 21/12/2019 18:00

Not mine!

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

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By NiquetChrome - 14/4/2013 23:18 - France

Today, I borrowed my 23-year-old son's laptop. The sticky keyboard gave me a good idea of his browsing history. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I overheard my parents discussing whether or not they could trust me being alone in the house for 2 days. They then came to the decision that I'm too unpopular and unattractive to ever throw a wild party or get laid. FML

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Top comments

By cessily | 8

#4380807 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:04

Poor crazy old cat lady aint getting no lovin

By kiran_fml | 5

#4380810 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:05

Gas station condoms and ladies that smell like cat piss...sounds like you had an interesting day.

COMMENTS

By shantazat | 0

#4380804 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:03

What..?

Reply

detroitsucks247 | 3

#4380821 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:05

Ahhhhhhhh, America.

Reply

shantazat | 0

#4380829 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:06

Well, where else could this happen?

Reply

shantazat | 0

#4380836 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:10

It didn't really confuse me, it was just fascinating in a weird way that made my brain fart...

Reply

jasmine1259 | 2

#4380891 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:26

Dafuq did I just read?

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#4381209 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 10:52

really happy for you n your new relation ship

Reply

gojira666 | 7

#4381287 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 12:04

Thanks 13. If anyone read the FML and was confused, you helped about 0%

Reply

trollfaced | 2

#4381794 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 14:37

Condoms are 5$ and diapers are 20, think about it

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#4381908 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 15:32

huh ur crazy I wuld never put consumer on my 1 year old

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#4381915 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 15:33

*condum (bad autocorrect

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#4384094 - Thursday 3 May 2012 1:31

thanks Kay la bitch

Reply

shantazat | 0

#4384296 - Thursday 3 May 2012 1:55

I'm bored...
Does anyone here watch the Creatures on YouTube?

By cessily | 8

#4380807 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:04

Poor crazy old cat lady aint getting no lovin

Reply

VictoriaSchultz | 8

#4380885 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:23

She gets plenty from her cats considering they piss on her

Reply

JulieHope_fml | 7

#4380900 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:28

So there's a story behind the cat piss smell?

Reply

RaquelW | 7

#4381160 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 10:11

she's their territory now.

By f1r3wa11 | 0

#4380809 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:04

You just need to not care about people seeing you, most people don't care.

Reply

TruexSniper | 0

#4381682 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 13:58

Like a sir.

By kiran_fml | 5

#4380810 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:05

Gas station condoms and ladies that smell like cat piss...sounds like you had an interesting day.

By robbilee | 14

#4380814 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:05

Yep the good old days. Before she bought a wall condom, had sex, got pregnant cause the obvious shittyness of the condom, had a kid and is now a full time car lady.

Reply

robbilee | 14

#4380833 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:07

Cat* fkin auto fix

Reply

JulieHope_fml | 7

#4380975 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:43

It could have been worse, she could have said: "Back in the good ol' days used to be just like you..."

By chris36taylor | 2

#4380822 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:06

What the hell..?

By Caliborn_06 | 11

#4380826 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:06

Classy???

Reply

JessieMongoose | 11

#4381955 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 15:42

Sexy*

By iheartstewie7 | 5

#4380831 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:07

At least she didn't hug you..

By Helenarth | 6

#4380837 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:10

Why would you get embarrassed?

By DontClickOnMe | 28

#4380839 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 8:11

No need to be embarrassed. At least you're having safe sex.