Today, I went to Knott's Berry Farm with my girlfriend. After... - FML

By blank13 - 9/8/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I went to Knott's Berry Farm with my girlfriend. After we got off of Supreme Scream, the ride attendant asked her, "How was it?" She pointed to me and said, "It's like sex with this man, my boyfriend; intense, then disappointing because it only lasts like 30 seconds." FML

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Proactive

Tidy your room

In my day…

By Pseudo - 21/6/2016 05:33 - France - Vitry-le-fran?ois

Today, I asked my little cousin if he had a girlfriend if he had a girlfriend. “Yes,“ he said. “Two, but I’m going to keep the one with the biggest boobs.“ He’s 7. FML

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By Manstobe92 - 16/11/2009 07:32 - United States

Today, I went to pick my date up at her house. When I got to the door, her dad answered. We talked for a little bit and he told me to take his 1958 Corvette. I politely refused and he told me, "If I can trust you with my daughter, I can trust you with my car." I crashed into his mailbox. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2010 23:40 - United States

Today, I found out that my entire school differentiates me from another girl in my grade with the same name by saying "No, she's the lesbian one." I'm straight. FML

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By ishouldntdrink - 10/1/2010 15:11 - United States

Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML

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By FoodNeeded - 25/8/2016 02:24 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, for breakfast, I made a butter sandwich. I'm that broke. FML

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By Peelates - 12/3/2017 22:00

Yoga to watch out

Today, I prepared to do my early morning yoga, lowered myself on to the mat then felt a wet patch on my stomach. Turns out my roommate's cat had taken a piss on my orange mat and I'd been too tired to notice. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2016 05:06

Today, our family reunion began with my sister calling my brother's current crazy girlfriend by his last crazy girlfriend's name and ended with my dad telling my adopted niece that he wanted a family picture without her in it, but she could be in the next one. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 14:01

Free money for me, but not for thee

Today, my dad refuses to let me inherit all of his money, which might just put a roof over my head when I’m older. *His* money? Well, actually, he inherited it. FML

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By inpain - 20/11/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2012 14:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to spice things up by sneaking into the shower with me. Instead, he walked in on me pooping. I only had the shower running because I was afraid he would hear me taking a dump. FML

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By pissed_off_girl - 1/4/2013 02:59 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to proof-read a terrible paper containing a bunch of mistakes. It took me 4 hours and I didn't eat dinner until I was done. His response when he got it back was, "What the fuck did you do to my paper?! You bitch!" FML

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By LostSoul - 1/7/2019 22:00

Today, I found out why you never leave wet leather shoes in a van when it's over 90 degrees. FML

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By Permafucked - 12/5/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer I ended up in bed with one of them who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML

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By jobless - 16/5/2012 07:36 - United States - Groton

Today, I found out that I am allergic to grass, and not supposed to mow lawns. My job is mowing lawns. FML

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By brandogg - 30/4/2016 00:11 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was laying on the couch with a cast on my broken ankle. My brother thought it would be funny to shoot my cast with a high-powered pellet gun. It went straight through the cast and now I need to go back to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 14:05

Today, my mom called me to tell me she'd got in touch with my ex for his birthday, and that the two of them had made a plan for us to get back together. My new boyfriend was in the process of proposing to me. FML

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By xpxp2002 - 27/5/2009 09:48 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I met this beautiful girl at a restaurant and we ended up having lunch together. Everything was going perfect until the end when I tried to get her number and she wouldn't give it to me. I can't even get a girl in my dreams. FML

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By human torch - 18/3/2010 15:22 - United States

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2013 16:07 - United States - Katy

Today, I went to my local pool. I lay down in a chair and started tanning. About 30 minutes later, a lady came up to me and said, "Put that away, you pervert, there are children here!" I had a hole in my pants and my penis had started to poke through. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2018 15:00

Today, I ended up in the hospital due to a severe acid reflux attack. I knew I had acid reflux for years, but was never allowed to get it checked out. Why? My dad told me I was too young to have it and that I was making it up. I now have to see a specialist. FML

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By Miffy - 4/9/2018 23:00 - United States - San Augustine

Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML

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By Should I stay or go? - 17/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was supposed to hear from my supervisor about whether or not my company was going to be letting me go. I've been on continual probation for the last 6 months, waiting to hear when they'll decide. She'd said last Friday that I'd definitely hear from her today. It's now 5:30 p.m. She's gone home. FML

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By wormsmeat - 17/9/2015 21:08 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my dog vomited a writhing mass of maggots. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled, and I was baffled as to where she found a maggot infested dead thing to eat. Baffled, until my mom reminded me that my cat has been missing, presumed dead, for over a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2015 01:34 - United States - West Chester

Today, my mother found my escaped pet snake after she had already washed and dried it with the laundry. FML

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By soccercrazed1520 - 13/1/2010 21:40 - France

Today, I was taking a warm shower when someone in my house flushed the toilet, making the shower extremely hot. In my rush to get out so I wouldn't get burned, I slipped and knocked a tooth out. FML

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By Happyunlucky - 20/7/2013 06:31 - United States - Andover

Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be outdone, my sister immediately announced that she "might" be getting pregnant soon. My family ended up congratulating her instead, and asked me if I would plan the baby shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2013 21:30 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my mother-in-law yelled from across the house for me to come quickly. She sounded frantic, so I rushed and asked what was wrong. She said, "Nothing." and that she just wanted to remind me that she hates my guts. She'll be living here with me and my wife for the next two months. FML

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By Radbaby - 20/6/2018 01:30

Today, nearing the start of what I was hoping to be a relaxing week off, my air conditioning system died. A replacement system will be in the $7000 range, just the amount I'd finally saved for my dream vacation. FML

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By Equi - 12/12/2018 16:00 - United States

Today, I went to the company's health clinic to treat muscle spasms and a possible cracked rib. In the process the old quack doc and overly eager nurses wound up giving me a storng laxative and 3 enemas, two of them quite large. Then I still had to return to work. FML

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By sevenshotmovie - 21/9/2017 07:00 - United States - Sheffield

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to watch a movie with myself and a few friends. He got drunk, talked during the entire movie, fell into and broke my fan and then threw up all over my roommate's bathroom. He is still leaning over the toilet and my fan sounds like a woodpecker. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 04:49 - Canada

Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML

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By Bearwaitressities - 15/2/2017 21:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, whilst working my waitressing job, I had a patron lose his rag at me because there was too much "green stuff" in his salad. What did he expect? Chicken? FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 08:21 - Australia

Today, I won an award at school for my hard work. Afterwards, my parents told me off. Why? They wanted my brother to get it instead of me. FML

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By paige - 27/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was recorded a video for my friend on her wall, I forgot to click "stop recording" and got undressed for a shower. When I got out of the shower I noticed I hadn't posted it. A few minutes later I started getting a lot of notifications. Everyone was commenting on my nude video. FML

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By Disney dashed - 23/9/2019 00:01

Not so Magic Kingdom

Today, I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going on a family trip to Disneyland. Less than two hours in the park, my kids have been scared shitless by every single character, they don’t want to ride any rides, my husband is drunk and the mouse ears headband gave me a vomit-inducing migraine. FML

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By yogapants - 24/9/2010 20:21 - Switzerland

Today, I let out the most horrific, loudest, and most vile smelling fart I have ever had in my life while in the middle of yoga class. Out of embarrassment, I tried to lessen the tension in the silent room by giggling, but no one saw the funny side. I was given looks of horror, and avoided by everyone else for the rest of the class. FML

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By tryingtobepretty101 - 2/9/2011 16:58 - United States

Today, my report card finally came in. My mom took one look at it and told me that if I'm not going to take my grades seriously, I might as well start looking for a sugar daddy. But first, I apparently need to work on prettying myself up. FML

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By timmyb - 2/3/2009 03:03 - United States

Today, i walked into starbucks for a job application. I asked the manager if they were hiring, I really need a job. He looked me up and down and replied, " NO". There was a 'now hiring' sign in the window. FML

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By izzy - 15/5/2017 04:00

Today, my sister told me she is getting married and asked me to be the Co-Maid of Honor. Who is the first maid of honor? Her cat. She is serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 16:11 - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, my fiancé told me that it would be okay with him if I got plastic surgery to make my boobs larger. It would also be okay with him if I didn't get the surgery, but he would call off our engagement and never talk to me again. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#471614 - Sunday 9 August 2009 12:06

What are you worth? Four, maybe five tickets?

All joking aside... Those rides last at least two minutes. Not thirty seconds.

By survivalism | 0

#471622 - Sunday 9 August 2009 12:09

Your girlfriend's awesome.

COMMENTS

By redbluegreen | 40

#471614 - Sunday 9 August 2009 12:06

What are you worth? Four, maybe five tickets?

All joking aside... Those rides last at least two minutes. Not thirty seconds.

Reply

MissyWissyKach | 0

#471833 - Sunday 9 August 2009 16:00

i think i was there were you wearing a pink top? and booty shorts? and vans?

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#471989 - Sunday 9 August 2009 17:25

YDI for fingering yourself with a clothing iron.

Reply

bob1233 | 0

#472068 - Sunday 9 August 2009 18:17

Ouch.

Reply

bekahshae | 0

#472075 - Sunday 9 August 2009 18:23

Ha...I'm pretty sure this is extremely fake. Really, who would say that to a complete stranger, and who speaks like that?

Reply

elchapin562 | 0

#472402 - Sunday 9 August 2009 20:04

yea, dump your girl for spilling private info on the street. FYL
but yea the supreme scream is only 30 seconds long, maybe less. its not a roller coaster. its one of those rides that takes you up high and drops you.

Reply

Skull_300 | 0

#472545 - Sunday 9 August 2009 21:06

What's the big deal 30 seconds or 2 minutes? You got off didn't you?

Reply

reneeshaann | 0

#473202 - Monday 10 August 2009 3:32

Xcelerator is exactly 30 seconds long.

Reply

Twidragon1000 | 0

#473601 - Monday 10 August 2009 7:03

@#1 - If rode on in a park called Canada simmilar to this, although it was a lot taller. It lasted 40secs.
Also, it doesn't need to be exact.

Reply

Princesschronic | 0

#487066 - Friday 14 August 2009 23:06

I would! If my boyfriend sucked but he lasts atleast 50 min ha beat that

Reply

KarmaKara | 0

#527471 - Sunday 30 August 2009 21:45

at the least my bf is an hour n a half so i get plenty ;] IF he wanted to he pull of a quickie rofl

Reply

fearlesstiger98 | 0

#1030829 - Tuesday 15 June 2010 13:13

haha I win! Two hours is the norm for me and my guy ;D no joke.

Reply

Angi95 | 3

#2692284 - Thursday 16 June 2011 5:40

I would say you know what that does kind of remind me of our sex life 2 second into I'm already sick, and want to get off. Boom!

Reply

zinkcalls | 0

#2796189 - Friday 1 July 2011 6:14

you must be horrible...

By survivalism | 0

#471622 - Sunday 9 August 2009 12:09

Your girlfriend's awesome.

Reply

monicamischief | 0

#472117 - Sunday 9 August 2009 18:46

i agree.
she's fucking funny.
don't see why people are getting all pissy
she was just making a joke, and around people they will never see again besides.

Reply

ReasonsToFly | 0

#472604 - Sunday 9 August 2009 21:34

I wish my girlfriend was like that.

Reply

IamSpartacus | 0

#473261 - Monday 10 August 2009 4:16

FYL because obviously you're girlfriend is way cooler than you.

Reply

reativica | 0

#510653 - Monday 24 August 2009 6:28

@#67 i totally agree

By RisingSunset2 | 0

#471625 - Sunday 9 August 2009 12:10

Haha ouch, you just got pwned !

Reply

Starchild21 | 3

#472084 - Sunday 9 August 2009 18:26

wow ur a fucking bitch. i bet ud do something like that wouldnt u. instead of discussing something like that in private lets bring it to everyones attention. i hope ur asexual cuz i feel bad for any guy that ur with, if theyr blind enough to even try u

Reply

iplaylax | 0

#862798 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 21:13

36 nice

By mgberman2000 | 0

#471648 - Sunday 9 August 2009 12:25

Your girlfriend is epic!

By amy397123 | 0

#471652 - Sunday 9 August 2009 12:27

Maybe thats a sign you should reply to those premature ejactulation ads.

By MR_OHCRAP | 0

#471680 - Sunday 9 August 2009 12:49

VIAGRA. Problem solved.

Reply

Stunt_fml | 5

#472304 - Sunday 9 August 2009 19:35

Viagra has nothing to do with lasting longer, or do you not know about medicine?

Seriously, OP... the best remedy for early climaxing is alcohol. Drink a bit, you'll last longer. Drink too much, then you might actually need Viagra to get it up just to do it. Be safe.

Reply

spoo | 24

#474794 - Monday 10 August 2009 21:21

This poster has it... dont QQ, fix the problem. either her or you

worst case scenario GFGI

Reply

Honda288 | 2

#3949775 - Friday 27 January 2012 5:03

Obviously his shit is already overactive. Give him Viagra and he will get a bonerache.

By Energy_fml | 0

#471693 - Sunday 9 August 2009 12:57

oh SNAP!!!

By pkrkid73 | 0

#471701 - Sunday 9 August 2009 13:04

i love ur girlfriend

By katherinebby17 | 28

#471703 - Sunday 9 August 2009 13:04

damn dump her ass

Reply

freelove_fml | 2

#475817 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 5:19

Word. She's a fucking rude bitch that is asking for a slap and a dump.

By saze_fml | 0

#471710 - Sunday 9 August 2009 13:07

dont worry OP, at least she likes having sex with u. u just need to work on your timings