Love: Today, I went to a haunted house with the girl I like, thinking...

By Anonymous - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I went to a haunted house with the girl I like, thinking that she would get scared and turn to me for comfort. I ended up running out, and was put on the Wall of Shame. FML

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Love

Missing the point

Start worrying

Bottom of the list

By Ben - United States - Lansing

Time to grow a beard?

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a few people in my class used calculators on the math final exam, even though it clearly stated at the top that they weren't allowed. The teacher found out, and now everyone has to retake the 200-question exam. I didn't even use a calculator. FML

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By sunny_funny - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I'm on a residential trip for 4 days with 72 children, 5 other staff and 72 sets of parents who want to be on the phone to me constantly. FML

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By craigtm029429 - United States

Today, while waiting tables, I watched a woman pull the bacon off her roast beef melt and eat it. She then called me over and spent several minutes complaining about the our chefs' inadequacy because they didn't put bacon on her sandwich. FML

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By CRWMEN - United States

Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 08:01

Protection

Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML

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By Nora - United States - Fargo

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

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By thyisnothorses - United States - Scituate

Today, I was grounded by my mom because I had slept in past 11, when she wanted me to wake up at seven to do chores. According to her logic, I should have seen the note she left on the counter earlier this morning. FML

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By Cherie - United States

Today, my daughter told my son that Santa is not real. Of course, being a child, he started to cry. My only problem is, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. FML

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By Cheyennereed - United States - Shaw A F B

Today, while on my way to the movies, I stopped at a gas station to pick up candy so I could avoid the high prices at the movies. The guy who tore my ticket asked for my purse, confiscated my candy, and then kicked me out of the movie theater. That guy was my boyfriend. FML

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By no money anymore - United States

Today, I hosted a "Night Out Against Crime" party at our local park. Only three people came, they robbed our fundraiser booth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, my idiot son tried to get a veteran's discount at American Eagle because he's "a fifth prestige" on Call of Duty. FML

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By AHHH_REPTAR - United States - Spearfish

Today, while drilling holes in "No Smoking" signs for my job, I gave myself a minor cut that would appear to most as a papercut. I then had to fill out 3 double-sided pages of paperwork. FML

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By NiHao - Canada

Today, I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. He and all his roommates are Chinese, and since I'm majoring in Chinese, I could understand what they were talking about. Too bad none of his friends knew that, and talked about banging me while I was sitting there. FML

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By dez - United States - Louisville

Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rome

Today, I was singing in my dorm. When I left a little later, a cute guy came up to me and asked if I was the girl who'd been singing. I proudly said yes. He replied, "Good thing you finally shut the fuck up!" and walked away. FML

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By BlazefireSaber - United States - Norfolk

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML

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By fuck you right back, cockspit - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the creepy guy I turned down for a date almost six years ago, sent me a box of rotting flowers with a note calling me a cunt. FML

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By romea244 - United States

Today, I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large cactus. While picking up the pieces to throw away, I noticed a spider on my forearm. Without thinking, I swiped at the spider with a piece of the cactus. I missed the spider, not my forearm. FML

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By "Anti_Sora"

Today, I turned in my final worth 20% of the grade. Today was also the day my internet decided to die. FML

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By loner - Australia

Today, I read my university's newsletter. Apparently we're starting up a "buddy" system for international students. I'm signing up, because this will help me complete my goal of making my first friend at university. FML

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By fartmaster - United States

Today, I was in a tour group going through a cave and our guide stopped, turned off the lights, and told us to be quiet so we could feel absolute silence. I farted. FML

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By ohhhjaymo13 - United States

Today, at work, I was told I was a failure. Feeling like crap, I went to my best friend to see if he could make me laugh. He told me that he felt obligated to hang out with me, so he thought that we shouldn't anymore. FML

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By anonymous - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

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By Hellosinglelife - Trinidad and Tobago - Diego Martin

Today, my now ex-girlfriend posted on Facebook that I called her a "fucking bitch". Our mutual friends were all outraged, and demanded that I treat her with respect. What she failed to mention was that I said it after finding out that she's been sleeping with my "best friend" for the past year. FML

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By pygmyfrog - 10/12/2020 14:02

Seize the means

Today, I watched a supervisor in our workspace staple an underling's skirt to her shirt, as the supervisor didn't like her wearing a hip-level skirt, despite having no public contact. FML

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By chippuh - United States

Today, my family and I drove to a mall an hour away. We split up, and I went into a store by myself. A little later, I get a call from my brother asking me where I am. They had already left to go home and didn't notice me missing from the car. They were already halfway home. FML

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By Iwtumn - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

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By gravycoveredblackberry - United States

Today, I had my new Blackberry Curve sitting on my lunch tray. Unthinkingly, i tossed it into the garbage can. 10 minutes later i realized I had thrown it away and spent the next hour searching through six garbage cans of half-eaten food. FML

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By dog_day - United States

Today, I was asked by my mom if I could have a joint-birthday party with her dog because it would be the dog's "big 1-0." She was completely serious. FML

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By "deerling" - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally farted really loud. My 4 year old Brother heard me and started crying and stopped talking to me for a whole hour. Now he tells everyone about that time his sister farted. FML

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By depressedpreggo - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I turned around I noticed a group of teens passing by laughing. I didn't think anything of it until I got to my cart. The losers had left a pack of Slim Fast in my cart. I'm pregnant. FML

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By but why

Today, when it started raining, I remembered that I'd left my kitchen windows open. I hurried to close them, but slipped in a huge puddle and slid into the wall, making a huge hole in it with my knee. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for a while. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to "shut up" because it sounded like "pig noises". FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ignored my cat's incessant meowing, and pushed him away every time he wanted to be petted. The next time I walked downstairs I found him dead. FML

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By Great. - United States - Billings

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML

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By Grrrawrwtf - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to break up with me but it had to be after our cruise together because he doesn't want to lose out on money. Can't wait for the Bahamas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Beloit

Today, I went for a checkup after having recently been fitted with dental implants. The oral surgeon I chose was supposedly the best in the area, but it turns out that he inserted the implants at the wrong angle. Now I have to have further surgery to correct it. FML

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By Sugao - France

Today, during foreplay with my boyfriend, I put my legs around his neck. He pushed them away violently, shouting, "Bloody hell, it's prickling me!" I'd shaved the day before. FML

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Top comments

By luc887_fml | 28

#5729039 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:20

You can also turn to her for comfort :)

By DocBastard | 38

#5729060 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:53

Ah, the old "try to impress a girl by doing something stupid"routine. It's a trick men have been failing at for thousands of years.

Come on, men! We're smarter than that! We don't need to do stupid shit to impress any...hey, what's this red button for?

COMMENTS

By luc887_fml | 28

#5729039 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:20

You can also turn to her for comfort :)

annie_nk | 22

#5729045 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:23

As an added bonus, women have built in comfort pillows just below eye level.

Ambient25 | 24

#5729056 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:48

And they actually listen when you talk, unlike us men >_>

Kruitdamp | 44

#5729089 - Friday 25 October 2013 13:49

I don't think she will do that..

Ambient25 | 24

#5729092 - Friday 25 October 2013 13:52

I mean in general

JMichael | 25

#5729126 - Friday 25 October 2013 15:25

Lay your scared little head on my big soft bosom and I shall tell you tales of when I was a wee little lass.

Damian95 | 16

#5729166 - Friday 25 October 2013 16:41

Maybe she will think its cute. You'll laugh about it later.

kaitlynjane | 28

#5729836 - Saturday 26 October 2013 4:51

#28 And then afterwards can we bake cookies and sing songs of tales from long ago while we frolic in the woods?

tjv3 | 10

#5730801 - Sunday 27 October 2013 1:22

HAHAHA FAIL.

By Palirose | 22

#5729040 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:20

It's ok OP. We all have our own fears. Better luck next time. Or at least next time remind yourself it's just a fake haunted house?

mrfuzzywiggles | 11

#5729548 - Friday 25 October 2013 23:47

Or he should remind himself that he deserves it because he's a pu$$y

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5730221 - Saturday 26 October 2013 12:44

He deserves it for being scared? That's just stupid, everyone gets scared sometimes, and haunted houses can be very scary!

By tpm45 | 25

#5729041 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:20

Maybe next time take her to the movies or something?.... Just a suggestion for the future.

Goblin182 | 26

#5729070 - Friday 25 October 2013 13:16

What #3 said, but make it a Disney movie.

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5729111 - Friday 25 October 2013 14:43

What #16 said just not as pointless

By annie_nk | 22

#5729042 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:21

Try a movie next time. They don't have a Wall of Shame so you can discretely run out.

DanielleinDC | 32

#5729440 - Friday 25 October 2013 20:32

Or even discreetly run out. Of course, she's bound to notice if she looks to her date for any reason and sees an empty chair, but nice try.

By steve31789 | 8

#5729043 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:21

I hope you at least ran out with her over your back, like a real "man"

By worldclassrager | 39

#5729046 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:24

Wait you ran out? Swap roles that might help...lol...well how did she do go all the way through? And wonder where you were for the time you she was scared...sure hope she doesn't hold that over you...

By MasqueradePrince | 25

#5729047 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:26

You must face your fears my friend!!!! Try again and complete the path through the house! It will be a sweet victory for your soul!!!

By Grayness_ | 26

#5729053 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:31

Hopefully she found it sooo funny. That shes going to forget that you ran your ass off.
What made you run either way? Do tell us.

By UnluckyGenius | 21

#5729054 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:42

This should go down on the list for "things jackasses do"

tvwrestler98 | 14

#5733355 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 0:18

Good idea. A real "man" doesn't run!

By Dramori | 29

#5729055 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:43

Very macho! Pick something you know you are fine with the next time maybe? Roller coasters for example - you can't run when you are strapped in... Just don't throw up on her! :D