Love: Today, I went to a haunted house with the girl I like, thinking...

By Anonymous - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I went to a haunted house with the girl I like, thinking that she would get scared and turn to me for comfort. I ended up running out, and was put on the Wall of Shame. FML

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Love

You tried

Our house, in the middle of our street

Reliable

By Anonymous

Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML

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By Relevance - United States

Today, my husband fell for an online scam leaving us 1450.00 in the negative. We get paid tomorrow and most of our money is going to cover that debt. FML

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By Dimples - United States - Sanford

Today, I was at a café with my friends when an elderly man noticed my dimples. He came up to me, stroked them while whispering, "One in a million" then walked out. Now my friends do this to me constantly, even while driving home. I almost hit a tree. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she remarked how she couldn't believe we hadn't seen each other in a year. Except not only did I attend her baby shower a few weeks ago, I spent hundreds of dollars on a unique gift. FML

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By :| - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was assigned to fill in for a French teacher who was out sick. I had asked the class to name some French-speaking countries. I called on one girl and she replied, "Uh, Europe. That's, like, the only other one, right?" Nobody disagreed. I'm filling in for the rest of the month. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while going up a ski-lift I accidentally dropped my ticket. The ticket I needed at the top to come back down. I had to hike down the mountain in flip-flops. FML

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By starstruck - France

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

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By TetrisMaster - Australia

Today, I discovered that my heart rate is higher while playing Tetris than it is during sex. FML

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By ToothHurtyAM

Today, the principal of my school asked me if I had practice. Knowing he's gullible, I said yes. I came home to find him and my mom having sex. FML

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By rob

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week." FML

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By jonnie

Hi mom!

Today, I learned Google Assistant and Google Home work harmoniously together if I blabber on without ending a command, like when sending a text to my mom about canceling dinner plans because I’m fake sick and going to hook up with this guy, it’ll send every word. My mistake & lesson learned. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Awkward

Today, I found out what it's like to have your boyfriend's mom find your hidden stash of condoms in your car, then spend the next two hours shopping with her. Alone. FML

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By cantstopfeelingit

Gross!

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

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By brit - United States

Today, the student council gave us our senior class t-shirts. Our theme this year is "Striving for Excellence." Excellence was misspelled. FML

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By smellyfeet - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

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By emily074 - United States - Salem

Today, the nine year old girl I was babysitting got the hiccups, so I told her to drink some water upside down to cure them. She ended up vomiting on the floor. FML

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By cherokeems - United States - Harriman

Today, my girlfriend of a month told me that the only thing keeping her from swallowing a bottle of pills is being in a relationship with me, because she doesn't handle breakups well. FML

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By goldie09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly, he turned to me and started playing with my breasts as if they were turn tables and he was the DJ. FML

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By JustEwww - Australia

Ewwwww

Today, I played with the white dust on the counter at work for the last time. After a couple of weeks of arriving to a thin coating of dust over the counter, and drawing in it, piling it up and other such fun things, I met the guy who now does the earlier shift. He has a huge, dandruffy beard. FML

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By Estee1024 - United States - San Luis Obispo

Today, my sister found out that Justin Bieber got arrested and now she won't stop crying. 5ML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2021 15:01 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Twitchy

Today, I still can't talk to cute girls my age without getting tics. I'm over 30, a lesbian, and technically still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my landlord told me he is raising my rent next month. I thought he was kidding until he asked if I still wanted to live here. My landlord is also my live-in boyfriend. FML

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By mylifesuckssss - United States

Today, I received a 7 page text message during school from my mom yelling at me because I ate her cereal. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the dentist and found out I still have a wisdom tooth. I got all four out last summer... or at least I thought I did. Now I have to go back and get it removed. Again. FML

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By Anonymous

Grossed out

Today, I found out that the reason I have unbearable pain in my stomach when I sit down is because I have 2 horrifyingly large boils on my waist. My mother nearly fainted when I showed them to her. FML

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By emmy - 1/4/2021 14:01

In shape

Today, even after months of vigorous exercise and diet in an attempt to gain muscle, I have not gained any muscle. Instead, my body is putting fat into the one part of my body I can’t work out: my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Grossed out

Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss at my new job described a client as "retarded". I corrected him with "mentally disabled". He smirked and replied "Whatever. Just explain things to her real slow. After all, she's 'mentally disabled'. And a woman." I need this job so bad that I'll have to just put up with this asshole. FML

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By asdfjkl - United States

Today, I had a long, meaningful telephone conversation. After hanging up, I realized I hadn't had such a great conversation in a long time. Who was it with? The Dell Customer Support guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

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By Alone - United States - Washington

Today, I finally had a date, my first one in well over a year. Everything was going good, until my date asked, "Do you like cats or dogs better?" When I responded cats, my date promptly got up and left, saying, "This isn't meant to be." FML

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By Anonymous

The Dilbert Principle

Today, my boss called me into his office. I've been working hard doing extra work so I can get promoted. He called me in to tell me I'm to reliable in my current position, so I won't be moving up. FML

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By blumaster04 - United States

Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can't get it loose. FML

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By wastedlove - United States

Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML

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By TheSneakyNugget - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I watched a large, sweaty woman stick a hairbrush down her shirt to scratch a rash on her back, before putting it back on the shelf. FML

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By Stu - United States

Today, my girlfriend got a Twitter account. Now she won't stop hashtagging everything she sends me. FML

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By cantgetabreak

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not finishing my work on time. Yesterday, she cut an hour from my schedule every day until further notice. FML

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By Connie - United States

Today, I almost missed the bus. I grabbed my backpack and ran out the door. It wasn't until after we got to school that I realized I was still in my slippers. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after failing my Ls twice in the previous weeks, I finally passed. As I got home, I went for a drive with my dad. I smashed my mums car into an old ladys fence and ended up in her backyard. FML

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By MikeMoosey - United States

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

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Top comments

By luc887_fml | 28

#5729039 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:20

You can also turn to her for comfort :)

By DocBastard | 38

#5729060 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:53

Ah, the old "try to impress a girl by doing something stupid"routine. It's a trick men have been failing at for thousands of years.

Come on, men! We're smarter than that! We don't need to do stupid shit to impress any...hey, what's this red button for?

COMMENTS

By luc887_fml | 28

#5729039 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:20

You can also turn to her for comfort :)

annie_nk | 22

#5729045 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:23

As an added bonus, women have built in comfort pillows just below eye level.

Ambient25 | 24

#5729056 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:48

And they actually listen when you talk, unlike us men >_>

Ambient25 | 24

#5729092 - Friday 25 October 2013 13:52

I mean in general

JMichael | 25

#5729126 - Friday 25 October 2013 15:25

Lay your scared little head on my big soft bosom and I shall tell you tales of when I was a wee little lass.

Damian95 | 16

#5729166 - Friday 25 October 2013 16:41

Maybe she will think its cute. You'll laugh about it later.

kaitlynjane | 28

#5729836 - Saturday 26 October 2013 4:51

#28 And then afterwards can we bake cookies and sing songs of tales from long ago while we frolic in the woods?

tjv3 | 10

#5730801 - Sunday 27 October 2013 1:22

HAHAHA FAIL.

By Palirose | 22

#5729040 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:20

It's ok OP. We all have our own fears. Better luck next time. Or at least next time remind yourself it's just a fake haunted house?

mrfuzzywiggles | 11

#5729548 - Friday 25 October 2013 23:47

Or he should remind himself that he deserves it because he's a pu$$y

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5730221 - Saturday 26 October 2013 12:44

He deserves it for being scared? That's just stupid, everyone gets scared sometimes, and haunted houses can be very scary!

By tpm45 | 25

#5729041 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:20

Maybe next time take her to the movies or something?.... Just a suggestion for the future.

Goblin182 | 26

#5729070 - Friday 25 October 2013 13:16

What #3 said, but make it a Disney movie.

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5729111 - Friday 25 October 2013 14:43

What #16 said just not as pointless

By annie_nk | 22

#5729042 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:21

Try a movie next time. They don't have a Wall of Shame so you can discretely run out.

DanielleinDC | 32

#5729440 - Friday 25 October 2013 20:32

Or even discreetly run out. Of course, she's bound to notice if she looks to her date for any reason and sees an empty chair, but nice try.

By steve31789 | 8

#5729043 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:21

I hope you at least ran out with her over your back, like a real "man"

By worldclassrager | 39

#5729046 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:24

Wait you ran out? Swap roles that might help...lol...well how did she do go all the way through? And wonder where you were for the time you she was scared...sure hope she doesn't hold that over you...

By MasqueradePrince | 25

#5729047 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:26

You must face your fears my friend!!!! Try again and complete the path through the house! It will be a sweet victory for your soul!!!

By Grayness_ | 26

#5729053 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:31

Hopefully she found it sooo funny. That shes going to forget that you ran your ass off.
What made you run either way? Do tell us.

By UnluckyGenius | 21

#5729054 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:42

This should go down on the list for "things jackasses do"

tvwrestler98 | 14

#5733355 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 0:18

Good idea. A real "man" doesn't run!

By Dramori | 29

#5729055 - Friday 25 October 2013 12:43

Very macho! Pick something you know you are fine with the next time maybe? Roller coasters for example - you can't run when you are strapped in... Just don't throw up on her! :D