Health: Today, I met my cousin after two years. She got really tall and... - FML

By fatty - Germany

Today, I met my cousin after two years. She got really tall and skinny, like a model. I joked saying, "You've grown and gotten slim, and I've stayed the same and have gotten fat." I expected some sort of disagreement. Instead, she looked me up and down, frowned, and gave me a long, sympathetic hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23661

You deserved it

49793

Tweet

Share

Serious times

Season finale

Dog whisperer

By cigarettes - United States

Today, I was having sex when a cigarette craving came on. I don't know what's worse, the fact I asked for a cigarette break in the middle of sex or I last that long. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28210

You deserved it

13759

Tweet

Share

By notgoodwitholdpeople - Singapore - Singapore

Today, an old lady fell in the street, and I rushed to help her. As I tried to help her to her feet, she started screaming, "She pushed me! She pushed me!" I froze up in shock, and ended up being chased by some guy who thought I'd attacked her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42703

You deserved it

3098

Tweet

Share

By fml9124 - 28/7/2020 20:00

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Today, my wife filed for divorce. Last month, she was diagnosed with stage 4, terminal, inoperable cancer. We got a second (confirmed) opinion. She has maybe six months left. She told me she doesn't want to spend her last remaining days on this earth with me. Our 33rd anniversary was in May. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2564

You deserved it

177

Tweet

Share

By ScoobieDoo - United States

Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

425711

You deserved it

66491

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 00:30

Hi uncle, I'm dad

Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1646

You deserved it

53

Tweet

Share

By Casdmo

Today, the person who is supposed to train me at my new job left the country for a week due to a family emergency. I can't start until they return. This pushes my first paycheck back a pay period, two weeks later than expected. I'm already broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4023

You deserved it

314

Tweet

Share

By ILoveAnimals - Austria - Vienna

Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32650

You deserved it

5493

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I got into an accident and my bike broke. My insurance expired 5 days ago and the accident wasn't even my fault. The lady was on the phone and on the wrong side of the road. She's threatening to sue me even though her car is in better condition. There are no witnesses and no cameras either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2902

You deserved it

611

Tweet

Share

By ouch - United States - Stockton

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23792

You deserved it

3732

Tweet

Share

By Bummed

Today, I found out that after interviewing for two jobs at great companies, I was neck and neck with one other person for each position. They both offered the job to the other person. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14861

You deserved it

967

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Novi

Today, after being married for 20 years, I found out that my wife has accounts on multiple dating sites, "just in case." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44886

You deserved it

3559

Tweet

Share

By ashhatches - United States

Today, while at Costco, I was eating a hotdog when I saw a really hot guy walking over. Trying to be sexy, I bit my hotdog cutely and winked. I ended up choking and dropping the ketchup covered hotdog all over my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13387

You deserved it

62380

Tweet

Share

By feminista - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I finally lost my virginity, all while in the passionate throes of an asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30960

You deserved it

3377

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46076

You deserved it

11437

Tweet

Share

By Seth - 19/12/2020 22:58

Covidiots everywhere

Today, I realised the biggest FML this year was getting into online debates with people about Covid not being a hoax. One guy even said it was over, while I knew the numbers were climbing back up as I work in health-care, and I was sat on a toilet with diarrhea because I have Covid myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

875

You deserved it

167

Tweet

Share

By salt. - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom". That's how he put it, anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34085

You deserved it

2620

Tweet

Share

By screamer - United States - Paso Robles

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I was apparently really loud, because when we finished I heard his mom and grandma sarcastically imitating me outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14887

You deserved it

38261

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53880

You deserved it

5370

Tweet

Share

By Rejected - Australia

Today, my six year old son came up to me with his arms spread and said, "I feel like a hug." I got really excited and hopeful because he is very anti-social and hates physical contact. As soon as I stood up to hug him he said "Feeling's gone" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45151

You deserved it

4744

Tweet

Share

By ThroatSlasher - United Kingdom - Grimsby

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive, and has a steady job. Imagine my surprise when he accepted. Then imagine my surprise when he followed up with "Hah, just kidding. You're fuckin' BORING!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

26569

You deserved it

2403

Tweet

Share

By howaboutno - United States

Today, my boyfriend, whom I haven't heard from in a whole month, turned up at my door because it was apparently "steak and blowjob day." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51332

You deserved it

8652

Tweet

Share

By crossfitter

Today, I decided to get in shape for swimsuit season, so I went to the gym. I tried to lift a barbell up and over my head, which was fine, until I dropped it. Exercise earned me a concussion and a neck brace. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25197

You deserved it

11450

Tweet

Share

By Anon - United States - Toledo

Today, I got into a car accident. The other driver was going so fast that when we hit, our cars positioned themselves to make it look like it was all my fault. He keeps blaming me for everything and the position of the cars doesn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22601

You deserved it

1462

Tweet

Share

By dadyoureacunt - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40273

You deserved it

7415

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandmother has been complaining that I spend too much on food, so I started cooking food from scratch. I happily showed her my recipe book and encouraged her to try a few. She then mocked me for wasting time by not buying frozen food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35723

You deserved it

3471

Tweet

Share

By wellthen - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was at a rodeo warming up while my mom unnecessarily bragged about my training skills to a client. My horse then threw me into a gate at a full gallop, in front of everyone. That was the first time he'd ever misbehaved. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11217

You deserved it

962

Tweet

Share

By foshizzle - United States - Orlando

Today, while at work, a man grabbed my beard, said it was impressive, and then uttered the words, "I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26884

You deserved it

3157

Tweet

Share

By EMTGirl'sLife - United States - Basking Ridge

Today, I responded to an emergency call for an intoxicated 83-year-old man with chest pains. As I leaned forward to check his lung sounds, he groped my chest and said, "Nice rack". I just wanted to see if he had difficulty breathing. I don't even get paid for this, I'm a volunteer for the town. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34473

You deserved it

2812

Tweet

Share

By reserved - United States - Paso Robles

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to break up. But not until after our anniversary tomorrow, because he's already gotten dinner reservations for us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27881

You deserved it

1942

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

19997

You deserved it

2400

Tweet

Share

By soupcrackers - 7/10/2020 04:57

Persona non grata

Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

771

You deserved it

372

Tweet

Share

By xorenae - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29916

You deserved it

7918

Tweet

Share

By suckmeoff - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My grandma gave me a hug and a check after wishing me a happy birthday and walked away giggling. I was excited because it was the only gift I had gotten all day. Ten minutes later, I realized that it was actually just my tax refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53117

You deserved it

3459

Tweet

Share

By dudewheresmywheelschicago - United States - Danville

Today, I had the most Chicago experience ever. While I was eating my delicious, deep dish pizza, someone was ripping the rims off my car 15 feet away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13575

You deserved it

1014

Tweet

Share

By SmileEveryday - United States

Today, I decided to ask my friend to the school dance. It's one where the girls ask the guys. I spent hours placing signs down his street so he would see them on his way home. As I'm waiting in his driveway with balloons I see his car reverse and go the other direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

91905

You deserved it

20352

Tweet

Share

By i suck, this i know :( - Malawi - Blantyre

Today, I went to my father for advice. I've been seeing a wonderful girl for the past month, and I feel terrible about it, because I already have a girlfriend. He said "Kill yourself" and that if I "can't even do that right" then to get out of his house, because he disowns me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31096

You deserved it

71505

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was waiting at an intersection. Across from me, a car was approaching and a bunny ran out. Trying to save it, I flashed my lights and beeped at the car crazily, when the bunny turned around. The lights turned, and as I drove forward the bunny came back out and I hit it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25596

You deserved it

7551

Tweet

Share

By ENDmySUFFERING - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I walked into my son's room to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11174

You deserved it

1283

Tweet

Share

By stdfree_hopefully

Today, I drove 2 hours to spend the night with a man who I have been seeing for a few weeks. We had sex for the first time. About an hour later, he told me he wasn't really into me and asked to be friends. Then, he apologised because he has herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8596

You deserved it

2089

Tweet

Share

By janmesh - 6/11/2020 11:01 - Germany - Köln

Stay indoors, make new friends!

Today, i found myself talking to the rat living under my wardrobe as if he was my friend. It's only day 2 of the partial lockdown in Germany. FML

I agree, your life sucks

734

You deserved it

146

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By ohmygawdz | 0

#285890 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:03

Well that's what you get for fishing for compliments. :/

By Fredzter | 0

#285904 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:05

Agree with #1... I hate it when girls do that, if you are fat don't expect people to be like "Nooo, you're super skinny blah blah blah"... It is just annoying...

COMMENTS

By ohmygawdz | 0

#285890 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:03

Well that's what you get for fishing for compliments. :/

Reply

colts609380 | 7

#1040837 - Thursday 24 June 2010 6:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Maximus_Axiom | 7

#3032319 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:29

agreed with 1 but OP should know most men IMHO appreciate curves

By Tika876 | 18

#285895 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:04

LOL Well you said it

By suckager | 0

#285896 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:04

2nd

By Bobobthegreat | 0

#285898 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:05

I agree with #1. YDI

By lesp | 6

#285903 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:05

Yep #1.

You walked into that one. Can't blame her.

By Fredzter | 0

#285904 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:05

Agree with #1... I hate it when girls do that, if you are fat don't expect people to be like "Nooo, you're super skinny blah blah blah"... It is just annoying...

By gaby904 | 0

#285910 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:06

Fishing for compliments can sometimes not lead to anything good... so YDI

By spoo | 24

#285916 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:07

Yeah, if you want to fish for compliments.. Suggest something that you know is a strong point, not an issue you are concerned/unhappy with. If you were trying to see what she thought, you found out... "honey do these jeans make me look fat?" if it is your butt that makes you look fat, dont be upset when it is pointed out :)

By ozymandias_fml | 0

#285938 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:12

Fatty.

By 19lollipop96 | 0

#285945 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:14

Awww don't feel bad u started the conversation