Today, I met my cousin after two years. She got really tall and... - FML

By fatty - 9/6/2009 08:39 - Germany

Today, I met my cousin after two years. She got really tall and skinny, like a model. I joked saying, "You've grown and gotten slim, and I've stayed the same and have gotten fat." I expected some sort of disagreement. Instead, she looked me up and down, frowned, and gave me a long, sympathetic hug. FML

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Mr Sensitivity

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By brandiboobarry - 29/11/2010 06:01

Today, I told my mom that I wanted professional head-shots done for Christmas. When asked why, I said "I want to submit them to a modeling agency." My mom exchanged looks with my sister before laughing so hard that she wet herself. FML

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By couchsurfer - 10/8/2012 00:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to allow the cats to sleep with us on the bed. As we started to cuddle, one of the cats pissed right in between us. We are sleeping on the couch until the baking soda absorbs the smell in the mattress. I'll be sleeping there longer than that. FML

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By Anonyme - 26/9/2014 06:56 - France - Saint-di

Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML

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By fishtities - 7/4/2016 04:56 - United States - Dallas

Today, as a reward for starting to eating healthy, I got the squits at work. After going to the restroom, my stall didn't have toilet paper, the other two stalls didn't have any either. My boss definitely noticed too when he walked in on me with my pants around my ankles. FML

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By cakestar9 - 31/12/2015 19:39 - Ireland - Ennis

Today, I went to a club to celebrate New Year's Eve. A cute guy came up to me at the bar and asked my name. I thought my 8 year long dry spell was finally about to end. I smiled and said "Chrissy!" He said "That's a whore's name!" and wandered back off into the crowd. FML

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By mmaisie - 1/2/2011 10:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I wrote a 2000 word essay on "Las Vegas - The City That Never Sleeps". I was proud of my work, until someone pointed out that New York is "The City That Never Sleeps", not Vegas. FML

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By leelee50 - 10/2/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. I told him that I'm in love with him. He said "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob." FML

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By gimmeasalad - 21/4/2012 06:01 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, as I was washing my boyfriend's fishbowl, the fish did a Nemo and made an unholy leap down the drain. My immediate impulse was to flip the switch. Our kitchen now smells like mutilated fish and my boyfriend won't speak to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

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By fuckthat! - 13/11/2017 09:37 - United States - Madison

Today, my soon-to-be ex-husband had the audacity to ask if the woman he cheated on me with could be in the delivery room while I give birth to our baby. FML

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By Eres - 11/2/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, my mom took away my medication. She's afraid I'll get "hooked". The medication is anti-anxiety pills. I have horrible anxiety attacks that sometimes cause me to scratch my arms until they bleed. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 00:30 - Germany - Titisee-neustadt

Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, my english teacher asked me why I didn't have my project completed. Thinking quick on my feet I told her it was because my grandmother had just passed away. Apparently they go to the same country club and have known each other for years. My teacher started crying and ran out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 19:14 - United States

Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2017 00:00

Today, I learned that the college I'm going to in the fall has been tampering with their ratings on the internet and actually only has a 5% graduation rate. Everything's already been paid for and I can't transfer elsewhere. FML

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By giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock - 19/12/2014 23:14 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

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By "Growlithe1395" - 11/3/2017 16:00

Today, I finally got my hands on a Nintendo Switch. While unboxing it, I left the room to get a pair of scissors. When I came back, most of the box contents were missing and my little brother was standing there. It has been about 5 hours and I still haven't been able to find anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2009 13:36 - Sweden

Today, my boyfriend gave me an early wedding present. I opened the box and inside was the most adorable cat I've ever seen! It got scared, jumped out, clawed my face and pissed everywhere. My wedding is tomorrow and I look like Frankenstein's bride. FML

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By Zizi - 4/7/2015 13:18 - Norway - Mosj?en

Today, I got punched in the face, had hair ripped out of my skull and broke a tooth on the pavement when I fell. Some guy mistook me for someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 00:11 - United States

Today, after having spent days working on it, I finished off a really elaborate seasonal greetings card for my boss. When I gave it to him, he took one look at it, flicked it in his trash can and said, "Fuck off, Steve." So much for a Christmas bonus. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 10:14 - United States

Today, I found out through his Facebook update and a text message that my fiancé demoted me to girlfriend status. I was sitting in the next room. FML

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By figures - 29/11/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, I lost my job because I was doing my work too quickly, getting too much done and the supervisor was afraid I was bored. I have only been here for 3 weeks and already had the best stats on the team. FML

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By FUCKING POWER - 2/11/2013 21:41 - United States - Wixom

Today, there was a power outage at my apartment. I ended up deciding that the power wasn't going to come on any time soon, and that I should go to a hotel for the night. Just after I unpacked at the hotel, my neighbor called to say the power had come back. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2013 23:08 - United States - Denver

Today, I overheard the guy I like talking to one of his friends about me. His friend asked if he and I were dating, to which he replied, "No way, dude. I have standards." FML

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By Irrationalwife - 31/3/2019 00:00

Today, my husband and I got into a fight about his pervert friend who regularly shows blatant disrespect for our marriage, including sending me inappropriate texts. Apparently this friend should have my full trust, and apparently I am the one with the issue for not excusing his bad behavior. FML

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By thyisnothorses - 29/4/2012 03:55 - United States - Scituate

Today, I was grounded by my mom because I had slept in past 11, when she wanted me to wake up at seven to do chores. According to her logic, I should have seen the note she left on the counter earlier this morning. FML

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By Originality18 - 24/2/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML

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By Masonlee89 - 21/11/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

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By Lizz - 6/2/2009 19:25 - United States

Today, I got up the courage to go to my very first voice lesson. I thought I did alright, but at the end my teacher told me, "Now don't worry about grades in this class, I grade on effort, not on talent." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

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By Bethany - 20/1/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I called my ex boyfriend to tell him that not only am I still in love with him, I'm also three months pregnant with his child. Upon hearing the news, he swore, called me a pathetic liar, swore some more, and hung up on me. FML

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By PeedMaPants - 16/8/2016 00:04 - United Kingdom - Meopham

Today, I started my first day at work. When I used the bathroom, I thought I was peeing into the bowl but it was actually leaking out. My pants kindly cleaned up the mess. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found out why my husband is suddenly uninterested in sex. Apparently one of the secretaries at work has finally turned 18, and it's pretty much an open secret among his coworkers that they fuck anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. FML

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By toadface - 4/8/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, I took my puppy outside to play. At one point, she stopped chewing on her toy and ran over to give me a big kiss all over my face and mouth. A few minutes later I realized that her chew toy was actually the dried up carcass of a toad. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2017 04:00

Today, I went to my kid's band concert. She's 12 and in the advanced team. They were the first ones to play and they were so incredibly bad that I laughed. Really, really loud. I was escorted out of the recital. FML

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By rnw - 21/7/2016 05:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I thought my knee hurt because of over exercising in the gym. Then I remembered it was because I smacked it against my chair so hard I crumbled down and couldn't move for 5 minutes. And how I remembered? I did it again. FML

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By oldmama728 - 28/4/2011 11:07

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

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By xCZ75x - 13/6/2017 13:00 - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, my best friend on Snapchat is my mum. FML

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By jasminejzhu - 14/4/2013 09:58 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after an exhausting weekend of work, I decided to take a nap. I was awoken several hours later by my mother-in-law knocking on my door. Apparently my 11-year-old called up grandma to complain that she was hungry and that mum was sleeping instead of cooking dinner. FML

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Top comments

By ohmygawdz | 0

#285890 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:03

Well that's what you get for fishing for compliments. :/

By Fredzter | 0

#285904 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:05

Agree with #1... I hate it when girls do that, if you are fat don't expect people to be like "Nooo, you're super skinny blah blah blah"... It is just annoying...

COMMENTS

By ohmygawdz | 0

#285890 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:03

Well that's what you get for fishing for compliments. :/

Reply

colts609380 | 7

#1040837 - Thursday 24 June 2010 6:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Maximus_Axiom | 7

#3032319 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:29

agreed with 1 but OP should know most men IMHO appreciate curves

By Tika876 | 18

#285895 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:04

LOL Well you said it

By suckager | 0

#285896 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:04

2nd

By Bobobthegreat | 0

#285898 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:05

I agree with #1. YDI

By lesp | 6

#285903 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:05

Yep #1.

You walked into that one. Can't blame her.

By Fredzter | 0

#285904 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:05

Agree with #1... I hate it when girls do that, if you are fat don't expect people to be like "Nooo, you're super skinny blah blah blah"... It is just annoying...

By gaby904 | 0

#285910 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:06

Fishing for compliments can sometimes not lead to anything good... so YDI

By spoo | 24

#285916 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:07

Yeah, if you want to fish for compliments.. Suggest something that you know is a strong point, not an issue you are concerned/unhappy with. If you were trying to see what she thought, you found out... "honey do these jeans make me look fat?" if it is your butt that makes you look fat, dont be upset when it is pointed out :)

By ozymandias_fml | 0

#285938 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:12

Fatty.

By 19lollipop96 | 0

#285945 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 16:14

Awww don't feel bad u started the conversation