Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant....

By padthaimeanoose - 19/7/2015 03:29 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant. We both got food poisoning and spent the entire evening alternately running to the bathroom while pretending that we were fine. FML

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Intimacy

Instadrama

Vultures

Tidy your room

By she has dumbcuntitis - 3/6/2015 06:03 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, my roommate bitched me out over my "OCD" driving the water bill up. She takes hour-long showers, but apparently me flushing after peeing "wasteful" and a sign of a neurological disorder. FML

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By fuckedbyahipster - 15/6/2013 16:13 - Finland

Today, I was lectured by a self-professed vegan over my "barbaric" eating habits, in between her scarfing down a tuna fish sandwich. FML

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By holyshitbatman - 9/11/2012 04:53 - United States - Toledo

Today, I started dating a seemingly normal guy. Not even four hours into our relationship, he began telling me that he can see spirits, dead people, and that I have a large black dog following me everywhere I go. FML

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By DogBeater - 21/6/2016 01:21 - United States

Today, I've just moved into a new apartment. It's also the day my big baby of a dog stepped on a rock and began yelping when I tried to touch his paw. He "suddenly" felt better after I carried him inside. Now everyone thinks I'm beating my dog. FML

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By vanilla_blossom - 5/1/2016 18:49 - United States - Jackson

Today, I tried asking a guy I like on a date. He turned me down, saying that I "seem like a nice person and all", but after seeing those reality shows on truTV, he "would rather not date a Russian. No offense, though." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 18:33 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 11:45 - United States

Today, I woke up, showered, and began brushing my teeth. When I started to brush my tongue I gagged, like usual, and threw up a little. What's unusual? I threw up a cockroach. FML

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By dwhite032 - 6/6/2011 07:06 - United States

Today, I woke up to my Playstation 3 and my laptop missing and window open. My dad faked a robbery to see me freak out. FML

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By anon17 - 18/3/2010 13:49 - United States

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had responded to an online missed connection posting. He has been emailing, exchanging pictures and making plans to go out with this girl. We are supposed to be married in the fall and just put down the non-refundable deposit on our reception site. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2014 23:05 - United States

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2012 14:59 - United States - Newark

Today, I found out what a bottle of regurgitated wine looks like on white bedsheets. FML

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By Ian Artis - 12/7/2012 18:28 - United States

Today, I walked too close to a first-aid kit sticking out of a wall at work, and it cut my arm. Laughing at the irony, I opened it to get a band aid out. It was empty. FML

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By honeybunny90 - 28/12/2013 08:23 - United States - Richmond

Today, my dog has found a new game he likes. It involves him rolling around on my new bed sheets to build up static electricity and run and poke me with his nose so I get shocked. FML

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By Bleach dat Blood - 20/7/2015 03:02

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

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By its_all_legit - 19/3/2009 03:47 - United States

Today, my parents, who are out of town but driving back tomorrow, called to see how I was doing. They asked if I'd thrown a party in their absence, and I said no. My dad replied, "Well I'm currently looking at pictures on Facebook of our kitchen with beer and a bong on the table." FML

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By Jpev - 12/5/2016 01:09 - United States - Huntsville

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2018 22:00

Today, I found out that being the "bull" of a cuckold relationship is not as good as it looks to be. She is pregnant and now the couple, despite earning triple figures, is suing me for child support. I'm in college. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2012 04:37 - United States - Northridge

Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML

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By KidCudi227 - 23/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Empathy

Today, my boyfriend sent me a bouquet of roses with a message attached. The message said, "Ever since your dog died you've stopped putting out, so I think we should break up." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2015 14:24 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, my religious girlfriend convinced me to let her take my virginity. A few hours later, she broke up with me, crying and saying I was going to hell for having sex before marriage. But apparently she isn't, and she can't be with someone who "tempts" her. FML

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By stupiddog - 15/4/2014 12:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

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By Mac - 16/9/2009 17:05 - France

Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

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By Brooke - 15/1/2013 05:45 - United States - Manteca

Today, my mother came back from her trip to Vegas. Her breasts were obviously 2 letter sizes larger. I asked if she got a boob job and she denied it, saying that it's against her religion. She's an atheist, and a liar. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 22:51 - United States

Today, my fiancé turned 21. I stayed up and took care of him for 3 hours while he puked his guts out. When I FINALLY get him to bed, he jumps up and rips the lid off a plastic container on the floor and pukes in it. It was full of all my yearbooks, baby pictures, and childhood memories. FML

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By ihatemondays - 23/8/2012 06:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that it's an hour and 45 minutes quicker to get the bus to work, rather than the train. I've worked there for six years. FML

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By paperbagofdoom - 29/5/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, while working at a certain California theme park in full costume, I was approached by a kid in line, who looked at me and exclaimed, "Hey look, its Indiana Jones!" which felt pretty amazing. His sister, who was maybe seven years old, glanced over at me and said, "No, he's way too fat." FML

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By ailat0107 - 31/5/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, two of my girlfriends and I went to a bar. The only action any of us got was a 50 year old man who came up and handed us "An origami vagina for the pretty ladies." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2019 12:07

Lee Trevi-not

Today, I was practicing my golf swing on my front lawn. I took a swing and on the backstroke the golf club slipped out of my hands. Next thing I know, it hits a neighbor's window, shatters it, and goes right into their living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2016 09:17 - New Zealand

Today, my husband and his best mate got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to try hitchhike naked for a joke. Although no one was willing to pick up two naked 28 year old-men off the side of the main road, someone did call the cops. They are being held overnight. FML

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By myl1f3isfuct - 11/7/2013 00:15 - United States

Today, my college English teacher told me if I wanted an explanation for my grade I would have to schedule a conference to come to her office. It's an online class. I took an online class because I can't come in. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 20:45 - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

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By simon - 23/7/2009 22:09 - Canada

Today, I moved into university residence, looking forward to finally being able to come out of the closet. I started chatting with the hot guy moving in next door to me. He said I was cool, and he was glad because he was afraid he'd be living next to a gay guy. FML

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By Fennec - 11/8/2014 19:05 - France - Paris

Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2019 20:00

Today, I was walking on the street when a woman in front of me dropped a couple of dollars. I picked them up and chased her to return it all. She insisted that it wasn't hers. I tried to tell her it was, but she wouldn't accept it. A cop saw me and arrested me for solicitation. FML

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By meandme - 4/3/2014 22:55 - Canada - Fort Vermilion

Today, I saw a kid getting bullied; a girl was hitting him in the head. After having an inner struggle with what to do, I tried to stop them. Both kids then turned on me, and called me a "hippo". FML

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By hard - 9/8/2010 07:07 - Canada

Today, I was at the grocery store and this hot guy was staring at my ass, so I smiled at him. My mother noticed he was checking my ass out, and she approached him and said "I know she has a big ass, but it's rude to stare, son." FML

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By Lady of Sorrows - 31/1/2009 20:26 - United States

Today, I just went to the bathroom and someone thought I was a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2013 05:57 - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML

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By CierraJordan - 14/3/2012 11:31 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the world did not used to be black and white. It was just the pictures that were. She still doesn't believe me. She's eighteen. FML

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By ThePidgeon - 19/10/2009 18:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I was ordering food at McDonalds when a condom fell out and onto the counter. The server looked at me funny before my friend turned around and said, "It's okay, he's never going to use it." FML

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Top comments

By shewenttojareds | 16

#6354894 - Sunday 19 July 2015 17:07

Well at least now you guys have a good memory of eachother, you won't forget eachother. Lol

By Ozzien | 26

#6354895 - Sunday 19 July 2015 17:07

Aww, what bad luck. Hopefully you get a second chance!

COMMENTS

By shewenttojareds | 16

#6354894 - Sunday 19 July 2015 17:07

Well at least now you guys have a good memory of eachother, you won't forget eachother. Lol

clairesucks | 37

#6354911 - Sunday 19 July 2015 17:12

I'm not sure good is the right word for it. They sure won't be forgetting each other anytime soon though

ukeandfoodislife | 19

#6354987 - Sunday 19 July 2015 18:43

I think what #1 means isn't "good" referring to a positive connotation. They might mean "good" as in they have a detailed memory of them.

By Ozzien | 26

#6354895 - Sunday 19 July 2015 17:07

Aww, what bad luck. Hopefully you get a second chance!

By interesting33 | 36

#6354896 - Sunday 19 July 2015 17:08

Just say you feel unwell and could you rearrange? :)

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6354990 - Sunday 19 July 2015 18:52

Agreed... No need to pretend you were fine when y'all had food poisoning! Especially when both of y'all were sick.

By shortswimmer17 | 28

#6354898 - Sunday 19 July 2015 17:08

Hopefully you guys had a nice date apart from that :)

By fmypatheticlife | 15

#6354902 - Sunday 19 July 2015 17:09

Sounds like a shitty situation.

Rkikkas9713 | 25

#6354912 - Sunday 19 July 2015 17:12

Someone always has to do it. You make me sick.

jerryj | 27

#6354921 - Sunday 19 July 2015 17:15

Look at #5's username and suddenly you are not surprised that he's the one who said it.

By limegreenpoopie | 31

#6354904 - Sunday 19 July 2015 17:09

That's a great way to bond :)

achoo123 | 13

#6354992 - Sunday 19 July 2015 18:54

Yeah she shouldn't worry about it. He's probably thinking, "man I went on a date with this great girl and ended up poisoning her. I hope she still likes me and gives me another chance." :)