Miscellaneous: Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a...

By Sickofbeingsick - United States

Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a persistent cold, I was finally feeling well again, so I decided to go to my boyfriend's work BBQ. I got food poisoning. FML

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Miscellaneous

Serious times

Commando

Messed up

By DwarfFrog - United States

Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn't attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn't take the situation seriously enough. FML

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34307

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By what did you say?

Whut?

Today, I went for a job interview. The woman interviewing me had such a thick accent that I had to keep asking her to repeat herself. She got so frustrated that she ended the interview super early. I don't think I got the job. FML

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13475

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me all about how his parents sat him down last night and had a 20 minute talk with him about how I'm the biggest mistake he'll ever make. FML

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36972

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By Jess - United States - Modesto

Today, in a desperate attempt to add some variety to my life, I resorted to closing my eyes and picking a random font for my essay paper. FML

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35694

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally alone and things were starting to get intimate. I was on top of him trying to be sexy, when in my excitement I giggled and called him a "silly girl" by accident. FML

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3788

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By broken - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend in his room. He grabbed me behind the head to pull me in for a hard, romantic kiss. He accidentally smashed my nose into his cheekbone, and my nose started gushing blood and continued to bleed for over 2 hours. It's broken, and he just laughed. FML

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43876

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By disgusted - United States

Today, I went into my parents room to empty their wastebasket. Next to it and around their bed, I found tissues that were soaked in an unknown sticky substance. I had to pick them up. FML

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29374

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By Reggie - 28/10/2020 13:58 - United States - Tahlequah

Masterchef 2020

Today, I went to make chilli and instead of just using 3 cups of water like the recipe called for, I ended up using 3 quarts somehow. Now I have a pot of hot and spicy meat water. FML

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393

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By Anonymous - United States - Athena

Today, the car across the street has been broken into so many times that my parrot has started to mimic its car alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21847

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By sadbride - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, 60 guests for my wedding were supposed to arrive to the Bahamas. The first and only hurricane of the season decided to crash my wedding, stranding my mom, maid of honor and best man. No one will be able to attend my wedding, except the other drunken hotel guests. FML

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25178

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By random - United States

Today, I visited my grandparents at their farm. When I went to pee in the outhouse, I noticed a round thing in the middle of the hole, so I peed on it. It was a beehive. FML

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46477

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By StillDrowsy - United States

Today, I woke up in the hallway. I took a sleeping pill the night before to get a good sleep in for work, but it turns out it was too strong. I got dizzy and passed out on my way to my bed, fell in the hall and chipped my two front teeth, and slept there - straight through work the next day. FML

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33078

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By thelarkscaw - United States

Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML

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19084

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By mandy - United States

Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML

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73141

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By tal - France

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

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31241

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By treats - Singapore

Today, I caught my dad eating the dog treats I'd bought for my dog. The only thing he could say was "These are really good, no wonder the dog is so obedient. Wanna try one?" FML

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27247

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I briefly had the coolest boss in the world. He stormed over to a nasty customer who was giving me hell, and he absolutely laid into her. It lasted about 10 seconds before he collapsed from a major heart attack. A coworker's already blamed me for not pacifying the customer in the first place and causing all this to happen. FML

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16568

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By Fought The Law - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor called the police because my cat was in her yard. I now have a citation and a court date. Apparently, there is a leash law for cats in my town, and it is taken very seriously. FML

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31095

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By Imnotfromhere - 31/3/2021 16:59

Hot pixels

Today, after months of having my standards lowered by how unattractive guys' dating profiles are, I found myself masturbating to the yellow guy from Sin City. Yep. He's hot compared to my real options. FML

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518

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sitting at a lunch table with some of my coworkers when one of them decided to put out his cigarette on the table and missed. I now have a nice burn mark on my hand. Did he say sorry? No. "Your hand shouldn't have been there." FML

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5744

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was refused employment at a liquor store. Their reason? I'm a regular customer and they're afraid I'll drink all their profits. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 02:03

"I Raised a Sociopath"

Today, my daughter admitted she struggles to keep a boyfriend because as soon as she shares with them her kink of fucking guys with strap-ons and occasionally inserting other items into them, they flee. As a father, this was way more info about my daughter's sex life than I can handle. FML

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1970

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248

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By Ashleigh - United States

Today, I was on a three hour flight to Los Angeles for a corporate meeting. The woman next to me instantly fell asleep and snored louder than a freight train, while the kid behind me made a hobby of thashing my seat from behind. When I peered over and asked him to stop, he spat in my face. FML

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37643

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By underachiever - Australia

Today, while on my graveyard shift at an inner-city backpackers lodge, a drunk pissed in a dorm at 4am. I had to clean up after him, wash all the luggage that got dowsed, clean up 2 separate piles of puke, and help 3 drunken Brits back to their room while they abused me. I have a science degree. FML

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29921

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By lakb

Today, I missed work because I was at the hospital getting treated for accidentally inhaling chlorine gas. I didn't realize that using Comet Industrial Strength Cleanser to scrub out a cat litter pan could be so hazardous. FML

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11518

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By roommateprobssss:( - United States

Today, my roommate pressed "snooze" on his alarm 14 times. I counted. FML

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26192

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By John doe - United States

Awks

Today, I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. I don't know how to tell her it was drunken sex and not the beginning of a relationship. But I have to come up with something soon as I work with her Monday. FML

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13471

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By PhD student - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I worked from home to actually be able to concentrate and make a presentation about my project. My boss then sends me a long email about how he wants us to work in the office, and how important it is for team building, giving me feelings of guilt for actually getting some work done. FML

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18606

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By MistressSuzuka - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I helped my friend, who is a slob, move out of my house. I found the source of the funky smell she's been complaining about, under her bed. It was her vibrator. I found it with my bare hands. I had to bleach my hands twice and I still don't feel clean. FML

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38135

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By Demetria - United States - White Plains

Today, I had to go down to the county police department to bail out my kids who thought it would be a good idea to try mugging an ice cream truck driver. FML

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25426

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By dude5028 - United States

Today, I switched from a pediatrician to an adult doctor. The guy was really persistant about a few personal questions. Then he brought my parents in the room and told them that I have an abnormally small penis and what remedies he knows of to fix it. FML

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60019

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By Madeline Lee - France - Pessac

Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML

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32511

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By suuuucks - United States

Today, I got my new work schedule. I really need the hours. The boss says he can't give me more because the economy is bad. However, he did find enough hours to hire his son last week. This week? Most of my hours were erased and given to the new employee; his daughter. FML

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31351

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By O__o - United States

Today, I got stuck driving behind a rather large motorcyclist on a one way road for 30 miles. For those 30 miles, I had a full view of his back fat rolls and butt crack. FML

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27607

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By bf - Canada - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML

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43107

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 20:03

Greed

Today, my husband told me he wants a $600 birthday gift. He doesn't understand why I said that wasn't happening, and is now mad at me. Not only can we not afford that, he only spent less than $10 on my birthday gift last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1329

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By suckishbf - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37784

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By stupid - Lithuania - Prienai

Today, I was taking a bus ride home, listening to some music. The music stopped and I assumed my iPod's battery had run out. Turns out someone managed to steal it, leaving my earphones in. I didn't feel a thing. FML

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52917

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By Natsert99 - United States - Deerfield

Today, I brought my best friend to the strip club as a birthday gift, as he had mentioned that he'd never been to one before. It might have been ruined by the discovery that his daughter had a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12708

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By fartypants - United States - Winter Park

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

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32995

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Top comments

By NoNotTheFace | 8

#3372949 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:32

So basically you had fluids coming out of your nose, then your mouth, then your ass.

Damn. Call the plumber cos bitch got some pipe leaks.

By badactor009 | 0

#3372969 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:43

Food poisoning is pretty bad. Ten to one the tater salad got you. Anything Mayo based you want to avoid at all costs at a function like that. I got food poisoning at a 4th of July work party a few years ago. Talk about misery. I thought I was going to die. Then I was afraid I wouldn't.

COMMENTS

By camera123 | 0

#3372845 - Saturday 1 October 2011 11:51

Gotta hate food poisoning...

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3372940 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:30

I thought you gotta love it?
Oh shit
(runs to the bathroom)

SnowFlakeInAK | 7

#3373008 - Saturday 1 October 2011 13:04

LOL you guys crack me up!

Poor OP,I know how you feel.hence the username. FYL

BagleHead | 6

#3373027 - Saturday 1 October 2011 13:13

At his next BBQ, you should poison the food so your not the only one getting sick.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3373239 - Saturday 1 October 2011 15:19

That's what happens when you have pink meat. I guess I've been poisoning people all of these years

SCREAM4meeee | 0

#3373488 - Saturday 1 October 2011 16:32

You should have just had your boyfriend's hotdog instead.

yourkindacool18 | 5

#3373751 - Saturday 1 October 2011 17:45

i got it from an under done burger once. i didnt puke once, but i drfinitely could have. FYL OP

By bbailey19 | 3

#3372862 - Saturday 1 October 2011 11:55

Bet it was vinegar based. Nasteh

crinx034 | 0

#3373211 - Saturday 1 October 2011 15:11

Eww vinegar based foods at a BBQ?

dkwood | 7

#3373253 - Saturday 1 October 2011 15:28

A lot of southern BBQ is vinegar based. For example, Memphis BBQ

crinx034 | 0

#3373288 - Saturday 1 October 2011 15:40

I should try it, might surprise myself.

By btnhdude | 0

#3372886 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:05

~If KFC was a mile away~

By EvilPotato | 14

#3372901 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:13

Did the food taste good at least?

olpally | 32

#3373626 - Saturday 1 October 2011 17:07

It might have been good... Then the laxative took over... Yikes..

By winnn_fml | 0

#3372909 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:16

You made your own choice to stuff your face with that food, why complaining

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3372953 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:33

Yea, because the virus that cause food poisoning can be noticible like a dog humping your leg...

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3373393 - Saturday 1 October 2011 16:13

5- Who says no to BBQ food?

winnn_fml | 0

#3373571 - Saturday 1 October 2011 16:52

10 It's noticeable, you're welcome

hailphire130 | 0

#3373844 - Saturday 1 October 2011 18:22

33-Stop arguing while you can, dude.

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3373924 - Saturday 1 October 2011 18:52

Really #33, you can tell? Or are trolling with me for a chance to be funny and smart? My advice, stop trying, m'kay, or elsy you'll fail. MISERABLY, m'kay.