Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a...

By Sickofbeingsick - 1/10/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a persistent cold, I was finally feeling well again, so I decided to go to my boyfriend's work BBQ. I got food poisoning. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Goodbye Bill

Banished

By Anonymous - 4/8/2013 16:45 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my husband and I arrived in Barbados on vacation. We visited a club, and they had a selection of drinks with weird names. My husband ordered one called the Raging Bitch, flicked his finger towards me, and said to the barkeeper, "Might as well get something I'm used to." FML

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By edwinduarte1 - 13/9/2010 06:49 - France

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

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By Biggest Jerk - 14/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my driver's ed class, and I woke up in a middle of a dream laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his vegetative niece who didn't wear a seat belt. FML

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By JC - 26/3/2012 20:56 - United States - Villa Ridge

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

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By Greattitan2 - 29/6/2015 20:34 - United States - Beaufort

Today, I was working at a fast food restaurant when I cut my hand. There was a good amount of blood flowing out so I ran to my manager and asked where the first aid kit was. He then picked up a washcloth and some tape and handed it to me. FML

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By jayswizzle89 - 29/7/2014 07:58 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "he died" and walked away. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She reminded me I was at the funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML

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By lalala - 18/7/2010 04:02 - Philippines

Today, my best friend told me I lost weight. I was happy because I've worked hard to shed off those pounds. I asked her what changes were evident, she told me that I now have a neck. FML

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By dinosaur - 8/2/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, my friend sent me a link about a nine year old kid who wrote an iPhone app that gets 2000 downloads per week. I am a 28 year old software developer and have been failing to write an iPhone app for months. FML

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By peace_lost - 29/6/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I walked to her couch while kissing with our eyes closed. Stumbling, we reached the couch and dropped our bodies, her on top of me. What I didn't know was that her kitty, Elvis, was napping. Elvis was very angry. FML

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By GamingWolfy5 - 27/6/2019 06:36

Today, I got angry at my computer, and instead of bashing my keyboard with my fists, I bashed my face on the keyboard. It REALLY hurt. FML

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By BannedfromFriend - 20/5/2015 23:21 - United States

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2017 01:44

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By Stephen - 24/3/2012 21:07 - Sweden

Today, I was peppered with questions about my swollen eye and if I'd gotten into a fight. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd been brutally beaten into submission by a doorknob. FML

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By unrequited - 18/5/2011 02:36 - United States

Today, I drove the width of the country to tell the girl I've lost that I'm in love with her. She wasn't home. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2012 17:01 - United States - South Gate

Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

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By ThirdWheelHell - 30/6/2016 06:07 - United States - Farmville

Today, I had a date with a guy. We ran into our gay friend at the theater, who insisted on coming along. My date was pissed, but I couldn't turn our friend away. Afterwards, my date texted our friend, mad because he crashed the date. Turns out he isn't gay. And only crashed it because he likes me. FML

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By NotoriousSRJ - 28/1/2011 15:43 - Canada

Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML

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By kmb04 - 2/8/2009 15:12 - Canada

Today, after a great night of sexual pleasure, I ran to answer the door. The angry woman standing there introduced herself. ''Hi, I'm your neighbor. My seven year old son's bedroom is just next to yours and when you scream at night he gets scared. Do you think you could keep it down?'' FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2020 20:00

Addicted to love

Today, I was half paying attention to a text message conversation with someone about how addicted we both were to social media. It's wasn't until deep into the conversation that I realized we were actually talking about porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2015 16:46 - United States

Today, the AC broke in the kitchen of the restaurant I work at. Temperatures reached over 100 degrees and one of my coworkers nearly passed out. Our boss accused us of being "dramatic" and only let us step out after I collapsed. I need this job too badly to quit. FML

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By Sursion - 12/11/2009 17:34 - Canada

Today, I was talking to a friend of mine over webcam, when I saw a scary looking man in a grey hoodie creeping around in the background. I loudly proclaimed "Paige! Who is that creepy looking guy behind you?" Turns out it was her mom. She heard everything. FML

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By cherokeems - 20/10/2015 18:28 - United States - Harriman

Today, my 8-month-old dog decided to decorate the living room by tearing apart a rented college textbook, the reference guide that went with it, and part of a color therapy book. FML

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By w-dog - 24/8/2009 17:33 - Canada

Today, after spending $15,000 to treat my dog's cancer over the past two months, he died of kidney failure. FML

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By Indoraptor - 14/11/2009 12:59 - United States

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

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By guaranteed service - 7/9/2012 06:49 - United States

Today, I wrote an e-mail to a friend stating how hot my client was. I waited for her response, but received a response from my client stating, "I would readdress this accordingly." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2014 12:11 - United States - Brevard

Today, I tried kissing my boyfriend on the tip of his nose. He sneezed mid-kiss and head butted me. Now there is just an awkward silence. FML

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By smidge - 2/6/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I got a call from an ad agency offering me a job. I was so excited, because I've been looking for work for a few months now and really wanted to work for them. An hour later, they called apologizing, because they'd made a mistake and offered the job to the wrong person. FML

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By Seline - 25/11/2010 14:48

Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping. I felt so energized, I gave a big stretch, and my hand hit the ceiling. I accidentally pushed the ceiling board up and lots of tiny spiders fell on me and my bed. FML

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By PicturePerfect - 2/3/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2012 14:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, it was the only time in my life that I have ever received an A+ for something. Thank you, eBay buyer. FML

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By 3hoursleftofwork - 28/3/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 18:00

Fishing

Today, I was looking at my boyfriend's rarely-used Facebook page as he was next to me. Last time he was online over a year ago, he had something up that said, "Still looking for that perfect girl." I jokingly said he should update it. He responded, "Why? It's still true." FML

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By Charles - 21/6/2011 16:59 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer browsing various websites. In my attempt to scoot the chair forward, I hit my knee against the desk that my computer was on, and ended up breaking it. I literally broke my knee sitting on my ass. FML

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By rozziepop - 30/3/2012 05:37 - United States - Visalia

Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2016 19:12 - United States - Watonga

Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

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By fmylifebad - 29/4/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, I was on the subway and saw this cute guy eyeing me. I crossed my legs, tossed back my hair, and raised my eyebrows slightly. As he came up to me, my heart started racing until he finally started flirting... with the girl next to me. FML

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By Iamfurios - 12/12/2016 18:43

Today one of my flatmates told the rest of us to stop using the toilet after 10pm cause he's a light sleeper and the flushing noise wakes him up. After arguing about it, he gave us his 'permission' to use the toilet, but only if we don't flush until the next day. Guess who is always the first to wake up? FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2019 14:52 - United States - Hartford

Today, my girlfriend started bitching me out about how public proposals are unfair and how they pressure a girl to say yes. All I did was get on my knee to tie a loose shoelace. FML

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By dieold - 28/1/2009 12:15 - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party at my girlfriends house. When her little brother was about to blow out the candles I slipped my hand into her sisters back pocket and squeeze her ass, thinking it was my girlfriend. She freaked out and now her family thinks I'm a pervert. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 21:15 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I just about managed to convince the judge to overlook my client's emotional outbursts in the courtroom, promising that he'd be on his best behavior from now on. An hour later, he screamed "FUCK YOU!" at the judge for telling him to quiet down. I hate my job. FML

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Top comments

By NoNotTheFace | 8

#3372949 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:32

So basically you had fluids coming out of your nose, then your mouth, then your ass.

Damn. Call the plumber cos bitch got some pipe leaks.

By badactor009 | 0

#3372969 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:43

Food poisoning is pretty bad. Ten to one the tater salad got you. Anything Mayo based you want to avoid at all costs at a function like that. I got food poisoning at a 4th of July work party a few years ago. Talk about misery. I thought I was going to die. Then I was afraid I wouldn't.

COMMENTS

By camera123 | 0

#3372845 - Saturday 1 October 2011 11:51

Gotta hate food poisoning...

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3372940 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:30

I thought you gotta love it?
Oh shit
(runs to the bathroom)

SnowFlakeInAK | 7

#3373008 - Saturday 1 October 2011 13:04

LOL you guys crack me up!

Poor OP,I know how you feel.hence the username. FYL

BagleHead | 6

#3373027 - Saturday 1 October 2011 13:13

At his next BBQ, you should poison the food so your not the only one getting sick.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3373239 - Saturday 1 October 2011 15:19

That's what happens when you have pink meat. I guess I've been poisoning people all of these years

SCREAM4meeee | 0

#3373488 - Saturday 1 October 2011 16:32

You should have just had your boyfriend's hotdog instead.

yourkindacool18 | 5

#3373751 - Saturday 1 October 2011 17:45

i got it from an under done burger once. i didnt puke once, but i drfinitely could have. FYL OP

By bbailey19 | 3

#3372862 - Saturday 1 October 2011 11:55

Bet it was vinegar based. Nasteh

crinx034 | 0

#3373211 - Saturday 1 October 2011 15:11

Eww vinegar based foods at a BBQ?

dkwood | 7

#3373253 - Saturday 1 October 2011 15:28

A lot of southern BBQ is vinegar based. For example, Memphis BBQ

crinx034 | 0

#3373288 - Saturday 1 October 2011 15:40

I should try it, might surprise myself.

By btnhdude | 0

#3372886 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:05

~If KFC was a mile away~

By EvilPotato | 14

#3372901 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:13

Did the food taste good at least?

olpally | 32

#3373626 - Saturday 1 October 2011 17:07

It might have been good... Then the laxative took over... Yikes..

By winnn_fml | 0

#3372909 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:16

You made your own choice to stuff your face with that food, why complaining

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3372953 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:33

Yea, because the virus that cause food poisoning can be noticible like a dog humping your leg...

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3373393 - Saturday 1 October 2011 16:13

5- Who says no to BBQ food?

winnn_fml | 0

#3373571 - Saturday 1 October 2011 16:52

10 It's noticeable, you're welcome

hailphire130 | 0

#3373844 - Saturday 1 October 2011 18:22

33-Stop arguing while you can, dude.

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3373924 - Saturday 1 October 2011 18:52

Really #33, you can tell? Or are trolling with me for a chance to be funny and smart? My advice, stop trying, m'kay, or elsy you'll fail. MISERABLY, m'kay.