Miscellaneous: Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a...

By Sickofbeingsick - United States

Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a persistent cold, I was finally feeling well again, so I decided to go to my boyfriend's work BBQ. I got food poisoning. FML

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Miscellaneous

Season finale

Social distancing done right

Deadly cocktail

By Anonymous

Triage

Today, while at my job as a nurse in the ER, someone came in with a hangnail. They threw a fit that they had to wait because we were managing a heart attack, a man with colon cancer and a kid with appendicitis. FML

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By Kidsthesedays - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something", I asked? I was not expecting the answer "A period mural". FML

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By j0j0 - France

Today, wanting to change from the usual pizza/coca cola menu, I decide to cook. After spending 1h30 making a "beef chili with ancho, mole, and cumin" I sprinkle a bit of salt on top of it. The top came off the salt. I think it's back to pizzas for me. FML

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By nikko blue - United States

Today, I decided to try whitening my teeth for the first time. I applied the strips to my teeth and decided to lay down and wait for the thirty required minutes to pass. I accidentally fell asleep and woke up three hours later. My teeth are still in excruciating pain and are covered in white streaks. FML

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By ohray - Turkey - Kibris

Today, I popped into the shower hoping to come out all warm and clean. Something was very wrong with the pipes, and I came out smelling like sewage instead. FML

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By pubemilkshake - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

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By walkingonsunshine - France

Today, my long term boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant. After the main course he knelt down and finally proposed to me. I was so happy I almost cried. Until an old woman came over and said I was way to old for him. I'm 3 years younger than my fiancé. FML

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By Whoopsie - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up loudly screaming from a "night" terror. I say "night"; I was actually at my desk at work, in the middle of the day, surrounded by dozens of co-workers in their cubicles. FML

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By Darcy - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He passionately laid me down onto the bed, both of us fully naked. Pressing down on my shoulder, he ended up dislocating it. The pain made me pee myself. FML

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By ididn'tevendoanythingwrong - United States - Tampa

Today, my roommates told me they want me to move out of our apartment. We would have never gotten the apartment without my credit score, and most of the furniture is mine. FML

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By me - United States

Today, while in my drama class, my character in a play has to quickly jump up out from his desk. Somehow, my shirt got caught on the desk, ripping it almost completely off in front of a live audience. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, when I locked my newly repaired bike up, I carefully took the new rear light off it so that nobody could steal said light. Somebody stole my bike. At least I have a red light to play with. FML

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41083

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By teddyissmall - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. Everything seemed to be going well, when all of a sudden he turned to look at me with a pensive and thoughtful expression. I expected him to say something important, but instead he just said, "I was wondering, how does it feel to be fat?" FML

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By babybambi

Today, I got food poisoning for the first time after cooking. Yesterday, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. FML

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2289

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend, who's already made two threats against my life, informed me that she now has a concealed carry permit. FML

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By ev_lyn_aw

Today, today while walking my dog in a different part of town, a man ran screaming out of his house, and threw a plastic bag at me. It was dog poop. It was the first time I'd ever walked in front of his house with my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 20:00

Oh, hai!

Today, sleeping in a little late, I was woken up by my phone. Still tired, I quickly checked the display to realize it's my girlfriend calling. I pick up the phone saying, "Hey baby girl!" She seemed pretty startled, so I double-checked and realized it was my new boss, who has the name as my girlfriend. FML

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1486

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By ScottishSteak

Scotland and its leccy bills

Today, I went to my local supermarket to get my electricity topped up. Problem is, 2 of the 3 cash machines weren't working. The third was, until I tried to withdraw cash, then nope. The supermarket only accepts cash for meter top ups. FML

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By Ow - United States - Golden Valley

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

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By Pisser - United States - Portland

Today, my sweet 7-month-old puppy ran up to a big fat dog at the park and did what she always does: roll over on her back to start to play. The big fat dog lifted his leg and peed all over my puppy's belly. After the shock, my soaking wet puppy jumped on me. FML

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51093

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By psychortiz - United States

Today, I allowed my five-year old daughter to paint my fingernails during a living-room "picnic" we were having. A while later I got called back in to work for an emergency meeting. When I arrived at the meeting I noticed my fingernails were still neon-green. I am a 40-year old man. FML

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52332

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By NormalName

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that "All Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same". My name is Christopher. FML

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4687

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By coolguy - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

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13788

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By katie

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, and she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I woke up to my dog laying on the pillow next to me. When he saw that I was awake, he wagged his tail happily and then promptly sneezed in my face. FML

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23440

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By nothingdoes - United States

Today, my dad asked me for a word that rhymes with vagina. He was filling out an anniversary card for my mom. FML

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33813

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By fail - United States

Today, my parents left early in the morning to run some errands, and I thought it would be nice to shovel our rather large driveway for them while they were out. An hour later, they returned from the store with a snow blower. FML

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51612

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By Stef

Today, as I was about to go to bed, the lid came off a brand new bottle of laundry detergent and it toppled down my carpeted basement steps. 3 hours, 2 dozen microfiber cloths, and a bucket of water later and my steps are still full of suds. I went to bed at 3 am and my 10 week old was up at 4 am. FML

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2590

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By secretpornstar - United Kingdom

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend had been encouraging me to send him 'personal' videos was so he could sell them online to porn websites. FML

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By Don't text and work - France

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

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10122

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By ahh - United Kingdom

Today, the last person I invited to my birthday party called and said they couldn't come because another party "came up" and they "hope I understand". It's on December 31st. This happens every year without fail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flemington

Today, I realized how weak I truly am when I tore a muscle in my hand trying to discreetly fix a wedgie. FML

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By Rhinobro01 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was at a friend's house when his dad told me that he had Photoshopped his face onto a woman's body. I looked at the photo and said it was gross, disgusting and weird. Later on, my friend told me that the photo was actually a picture of his dad's twin sister. FML

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1362

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By embareassed - United States

Today, I was riding my dorm elevator from the 5th floor to the 1st by myself. Since the elevator is really slow, I pulled my pants and underwear down just for kicks. Just then, the door opened to let a girl on at the 4th floor. FML

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By krizleykrislo - United States

Today, I was rollerblading in the university gardens and taking pictures. A worker started to yell at me, and I told him that I had perfect control and could stay on the sidewalk. As I turned to skate away, I faceplanted into a bed of prized rare flowers. FML

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10196

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By alrightsheryl - United States

Today, is my 18th birthday. I call my parents and they tell me they found weed in the guest house and so they called my boarding school to drug test me. It wasn't my weed. They didn't even say "Happy Birthday." FML

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70466

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By suckstobefat - Canada

Today, I found out that the daily "vitamins" that my dad has been giving me for the last three months were actually weight loss pills. FML

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33628

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By curiousminx - Australia - Morningside

Today, is my first day as a student nurse. It was also the first day I learnt I was allergic to latex gloves. FML

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By yomamma787 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

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14828

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By irony, huh?

Alexa, play "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette

Today, I got mugged. For an actual mug. FML

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Top comments

By NoNotTheFace | 8

#3372949 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:32

So basically you had fluids coming out of your nose, then your mouth, then your ass.

Damn. Call the plumber cos bitch got some pipe leaks.

By badactor009 | 0

#3372969 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:43

Food poisoning is pretty bad. Ten to one the tater salad got you. Anything Mayo based you want to avoid at all costs at a function like that. I got food poisoning at a 4th of July work party a few years ago. Talk about misery. I thought I was going to die. Then I was afraid I wouldn't.

COMMENTS

By camera123 | 0

#3372845 - Saturday 1 October 2011 11:51

Gotta hate food poisoning...

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3372940 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:30

I thought you gotta love it?
Oh shit
(runs to the bathroom)

SnowFlakeInAK | 7

#3373008 - Saturday 1 October 2011 13:04

LOL you guys crack me up!

Poor OP,I know how you feel.hence the username. FYL

BagleHead | 6

#3373027 - Saturday 1 October 2011 13:13

At his next BBQ, you should poison the food so your not the only one getting sick.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3373239 - Saturday 1 October 2011 15:19

That's what happens when you have pink meat. I guess I've been poisoning people all of these years

SCREAM4meeee | 0

#3373488 - Saturday 1 October 2011 16:32

You should have just had your boyfriend's hotdog instead.

yourkindacool18 | 5

#3373751 - Saturday 1 October 2011 17:45

i got it from an under done burger once. i didnt puke once, but i drfinitely could have. FYL OP

By bbailey19 | 3

#3372862 - Saturday 1 October 2011 11:55

Bet it was vinegar based. Nasteh

crinx034 | 0

#3373211 - Saturday 1 October 2011 15:11

Eww vinegar based foods at a BBQ?

dkwood | 7

#3373253 - Saturday 1 October 2011 15:28

A lot of southern BBQ is vinegar based. For example, Memphis BBQ

crinx034 | 0

#3373288 - Saturday 1 October 2011 15:40

I should try it, might surprise myself.

By btnhdude | 0

#3372886 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:05

~If KFC was a mile away~

By EvilPotato | 14

#3372901 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:13

Did the food taste good at least?

olpally | 32

#3373626 - Saturday 1 October 2011 17:07

It might have been good... Then the laxative took over... Yikes..

By winnn_fml | 0

#3372909 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:16

You made your own choice to stuff your face with that food, why complaining

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3372953 - Saturday 1 October 2011 12:33

Yea, because the virus that cause food poisoning can be noticible like a dog humping your leg...

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3373393 - Saturday 1 October 2011 16:13

5- Who says no to BBQ food?

winnn_fml | 0

#3373571 - Saturday 1 October 2011 16:52

10 It's noticeable, you're welcome

hailphire130 | 0

#3373844 - Saturday 1 October 2011 18:22

33-Stop arguing while you can, dude.

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3373924 - Saturday 1 October 2011 18:52

Really #33, you can tell? Or are trolling with me for a chance to be funny and smart? My advice, stop trying, m'kay, or elsy you'll fail. MISERABLY, m'kay.