Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday." FML

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25039

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Intimacy

Serious times

Reverse psychology

Cake is everything

By LiLGeek - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldnt find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML

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36465

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

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4072

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By Candy_Crushed - United States - Mims

Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML

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4188

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By anonymous1 - United States

Today, my sister and I got fitted for bridesmaid's dresses. It was pretty sheer material, so I took off my bright pink thong and left it on the changing room hanger. As I was looking at myself in the mirror, a woman came out of the room holding my thong. She had tried it on. FML

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49548

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By hatedatwork - United States - Shreveport

Thanks mom!

Today, my CEO called and spoke to me like I'm a child. Apparently, she has a surprise for me, "but only if I clean up my office first." She hasn't been to my office in months because she works in another state. Turns out, someone texted her a picture of my messy office. FML

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808

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By PityKitty

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

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By Deceptive Dog 1242 - United States

It's Cat-Dog!

Today, I pulled something out of my tiny 6 month old puppy's mouth, thinking it was a cord that he had gotten a hold of. As it turns out, it was a baby mouse he had caught and killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2318

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By jason - United States

Today, I came home to find a car parked in my assigned space. Pissed off, I left a note on the car's windshield saying, "Hey Assface, thanks for parking in my spot. I spat on your door handle." It turns out it was my girlfriend's parent's car. They took us out to dinner. FML

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By Sensitive!!! - 24/8/2020 21:56 - Australia - Brisbane

A teaching moment

Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML

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1962

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By Anonimo - Italy - Monserrato

Today, after a year of living with my boyfriend at our new place, he told me that he wants to sell our house and live in a trailer, so he can be closer to his mom. FML

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24993

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By homewrecker - United States

Today, I drove 600 miles to be with my boyfriend of two years for his uncle's funeral. He didn't want me to come because I am seven months pregnant and flying is dangerous in the third trimester. When I got there I don't know who was more suprised to see me: him, his wife, or their kids. FML

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82842

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By blovesg - United States

Today, I was at the mall shoplifting when a girl who looked my age pointed to a shirt I had in my bag. "Stole that, huh?" she asked smiling. She looked pretty cool, so I nodded and asked if she stole the jeans she was wearing, which were from the store. Turns out she didn't, she's the manager. FML

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41252

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By ouch. - United States - Stamford

Today, I was washing the dishes when I gave myself a nasty gash on my leg from the open dishwasher door. After five minutes of cleaning up the blood and wrapping it up, I came back to finish the job only to drop a plate and send broken shards into my foot. FML

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2627

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By Leenotgay - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's totally convinced I'm gay. When I tried explaining that I can't be if I'm attracted to her, she took it as me thinking she's mannish. FML

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35239

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By bluediva24

Today, I spent all day preparing a big, elaborate Italian dinner for my boyfriend, who recently discovered he was part Italian. He came home, turned up his nose and said "I was in the mood for Chinese". FML

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29774

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By pist

Today, I was lying in a lawn chair next to my wooden fence when a yellow liquid started spraying me. The neighbor's douchebag son was peeing through the small hole in the fence and soaked me. FML

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4602

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By Anonymous - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

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27588

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By Embarassed - United States - Kent

Today, my girlfriend dared me to put on her bra and panties and give her a lap dance. Feeling spontaneous, I decided to do it. Just as I was getting really into it, she told me I was on webcam for all her friends. Apparently it was a contest of who had their boyfriend the most whipped. She won. FML

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54427

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By GlueAndCarrots - Canada - Markham

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I crossed the street without holding her hand. FML

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32123

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By UngratefulBrat - United States - New York

Today, my 6-year-old nephew opened his Christmas gift. The first words out of his mouth were, "This is cheap." FML

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36553

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By Anonymous - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, my neighbor came over and yelled at me for traumatizing her kids. What did I do? Nothing. Her kids entered my back yard, dug up my 1-month-dead hamster and freaked out. FML

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49777

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By snakeboy - Australia

Today, for the first time in about 3 years, I decided to clean my car. It was going really well until I looked down at what I was about to pick up. On the back seat floor lay a dead snake, which at one point, for god knows how long, was living in my car while I unknowningly drove it. FML

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16441

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By Soverytired - Australia

Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML

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By DaddyZ - United States

Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him wings. What it actually gave him was a trip to the ER and 7 stitches. It also gave me a meeting with social services. FML

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47094

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By sucks - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

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37597

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By foops - United Kingdom

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

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45742

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By Anonymous

Today, I got my septum piercing stuck in a bag of cinnamon pine cones at Target. My boyfriend was wearing a red shirt with khaki pants, so all the other shoppers thought I had to call a Target employee over to "cut" me out of the bag. FML

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2657

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost track of time while rocking out, butt-naked, to Kelly Clarkson and Michelle Branch after taking a shower. Three of my metalhead friends had let themselves in my house and were on the lower level laughing their butts off at me for 30 minutes before telling me. I'm a 23 year old guy. FML

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20200

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By MartianTom - United States - Evanston

Today, the maintenance man for my building fixed my leaky sink. As he headed out the door, I said, "Thanks, Gus!" He turned around and said matter-of-factly, "My name is Eli." I've been addressing him as "Gus" for the past year and a half. FML

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2801

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up to my disabled mother screaming for me. Fearing the worst, I hopped out of bed only to find that she was yelling because her cat had brought a field mouse inside as a gift. The problem? It was still alive. I had to get it from him and throw it outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2459

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Greece

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

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36092

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By Anonymous

Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4585

You deserved it

403

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By AAA guy - United States

Today, while on the job I accidentally locked my keys and all of my equipment in the car. I work for the AAA. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31229

You deserved it

5528

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By aru9 - United States

Today, I met an old friend from high school and his hot girlfriend. I jokingly said she must be blind to go out with him. His response: "Yeah, she is." FML

I agree, your life sucks

22190

You deserved it

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By Puppylove - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my friend's house, when she commented that her dog's fur kept getting tangled because of its length. I reached over to tickle his tummy, felt a big tangled knot and agreed that he needed a good grooming. Then I realized what I'd grabbed wasn't fur. FML

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30817

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By ::Tracy:: - Australia

Today, a young boy helped me carry my groceries home. He then asked me to sign his sheet to certify that he had done half an hour of service to the elderly. I'm 46. FML

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41636

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By whenlifeisalemon - United States - San Francisco

Today, I waited patiently in the airport as my flight was repeatedly delayed. After 5 long hours I approached one of the attendees to discover that the plane had left 5 minutes ago. FML

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24384

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By emm - United States

Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was extremely upset and I called my boyfriend for comfort and to help inspect the damage. After taking a good look at the car, he said, "Damn, if only you fucked this hard." FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a $105 parking ticket for being in a handicapped space. The lines were covered by snow, and the sign was on the building twenty feet away. FML

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By chocochoco - United States - Auburn

Today, my drunken self became a vaguely racist poet. I am now the author of a four-page poem entitled "Chocolate Men". FML

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Top comments

By mastershane | 0

#691779 - Saturday 28 November 2009 2:20

and then u wonder why 12 year olds are getting prego... Even though I don't think the op is that young but still...

By faxe | 0

#692138 - Saturday 28 November 2009 6:08

Go into porno. When you're taking your "Slut of the Year" award, mention how your mom inspired you.

COMMENTS

By mastershane | 0

#691779 - Saturday 28 November 2009 2:20

and then u wonder why 12 year olds are getting prego... Even though I don't think the op is that young but still...

GreatGeak | 8

#1801097 - Monday 6 December 2010 7:14

my parents go "promise us you'll wait until after marriage"
still deciding if I should or shouldn't. :/

cassie567 | 0

#2381005 - Thursday 21 April 2011 2:05

hey I'm 12 and a virgin!

Drumming_fml | 7

#2492314 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 7:41

you deserve a medal

cassie567 | 0

#2536148 - Friday 20 May 2011 1:11

I do :)

By pieofchrist | 0

#691784 - Saturday 28 November 2009 2:22

she's got your best interests. she's even trying to help!
if it's constructive critisism YDI, if she's being mean, FYL.

By kristidgranger | 3

#691785 - Saturday 28 November 2009 2:23

sucks

By JP101 | 0

#691792 - Saturday 28 November 2009 2:28

This is awesome. Best mother ever! Listen to her!

SenGaeriel | 3

#692017 - Saturday 28 November 2009 5:05

I agree!

Legend_In_Canada | 0

#701054 - Thursday 3 December 2009 1:07

i would love it if my mom helped me get laid!

Clare420 | 0

#1004509 - Sunday 23 May 2010 23:05

you have a chill mom. YDI for not getting laid

alicespoons | 17

#5662771 - Saturday 7 September 2013 7:53

Are you fucking serious? OPs own mother insulted them. And y'all are all praising her for trying to get her child laid. Get your priorities straight. For fucks sake.

By LonghornsFan1 | 0

#691793 - Saturday 28 November 2009 2:28

Lol thats funny

By JoeNormal | 0

#691872 - Saturday 28 November 2009 3:27

lmao wow go mom... n btw

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#691908 - Saturday 28 November 2009 3:52

More like "I WANT GRANDCHILDRENZ!!!111"
I hate people like your mother, OP.

ninjacutie | 6

#3633561 - Friday 25 November 2011 2:50

Heyyy be nice my mommy is just like OPs mom >.< she actually said "You better pop out a few puppies honey I'm not living forever and I love babies!" it kinda scared me… but ya know it's w/e

By perdix | 29

#691933 - Saturday 28 November 2009 4:11

I wish we knew the gender of the OP, and maybe the age.

If the OP was a 29-year-old woman, see DameGreyWulf's comment #8.

If the OP was a 17-year-old boy, it's the opening sequence of a Wincest porn loop.

By gpstyne | 0

#692016 - Saturday 28 November 2009 5:05

nice to know she cares

By BunnyDrastic | 0

#692074 - Saturday 28 November 2009 5:36

AHAHA!