Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks....

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday." FML

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Intimacy

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Abuse

Night terrors

By uneek_3225 - 22/10/2009 05:53 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I met his mother for lunch to discuss wedding plans. When we got there, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I heard a woman talking on her cell phone in the stall about her son's "disgusting, slutty girlfriend." The toilet flushed and my future mother-in-law walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2015 12:21 - Australia

Today, I got detention from my teacher for not handing an assignment in. It would be understandable if I hadn't handed it in a week before it was due. She won't listen to reason. FML

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By Trainspotting - 3/4/2011 13:32 - United Kingdom

Today, Amazon didn't deliver the present I bought my mother for Mothering Sunday, so she called me an 'Ungrateful bastard.' And about half an hour ago, I cut my thumb whilst making her lunch. She said, 'You're doing this on purpose so I feel sorry for you. Well I don't.' FML

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By Ew. - 9/4/2012 15:22 - United Kingdom

Today, after being filled with joy after seeing my very elderly cat finally enjoying the sun in my garden, I skipped over to give her a hug. Turns out she was taking a shit. FML

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By Ihatemyfamily - 5/9/2016 21:46 - United States - Euless

Today, my brother's high school was having a soccer game against mine, and as a sign of good luck, I told him to "break a leg". He broke mine. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 16/4/2011 00:52 - United Kingdom

Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML

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By lpara89 - 20/6/2017 00:00

Today, my 7-month pitbull chewed up a framed picture of my parents and another framed picture of my other pitbull. Maybe he's mad I don't have any pictures of him framed yet. FML

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By Tweety - 9/4/2011 11:40 - United States

Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML

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By waymoreiwanted - 15/2/2014 03:21 - United States - Ashland

Today, I opened up a snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML

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By Photagrapher - 18/8/2010 04:09 - France

Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML

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By - 22/5/2019 02:04

Today, it's been so long since my wife has been interested in me intimately, I became aroused when a woman touched my arm while talking to me. FML

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By awkward O_o - 24/4/2013 21:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

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By seriously - 24/5/2013 07:04 - United States

Today, my mom accused my cat of being a "manipulator", and said that we should get rid of him. FML

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By NickC - 28/11/2009 10:16 - Malaysia

Today, after burning all my past-papers, books and notes in celebration of finishing maths forever, I found out I have to re-take my maths exam to get the minimum grade for college. FML

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By tooefficient - 19/8/2019 22:00

Monday, Monday, so good to me…

Today, I was scolded by my boss, all because I can finish most tasks in a quarter of the time it takes him, and he doesn't want to be shown up. FML

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By robzzz - 16/2/2012 07:13 - Canada

Today, I'm forced to eat half a package of saltine crackers in my room for dinner. I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because my two roommates are going at it on our kitchen table. FML

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By hi - 1/3/2009 20:29 - United States

Today, I was babysitting this one year old. She just learned how to say yes so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said "yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty... she looked at me and said "NO." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2014 17:45 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out that when I asked my buddy to make sure my girlfriend was safe while I was abroad, he really did; he even used a condom. FML

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By notpregnantthankgod - 20/11/2015 17:20 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, the local gossip was in line behind me at the shop. She saw me buying pregnancy tests. The good news is that I'm not pregnant. The bad news is that she'll definitely have everyone thinking I am. FML

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By BaldingQuick - 2/2/2010 07:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved several paychecks to afford to give her a weekend away for her birthday. Why did she end things so quick? Because apparently I'm balding faster than her Dad. I'm 20. FML

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By boyfriend123 - 18/8/2011 10:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 am because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML

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By dumpedovergame - 6/7/2009 10:51 - United States

Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 14:29 - United States - Worcester

Today, we had a safety meeting at my warehouse job. They had an entire power point based around their message, "Stop getting hurt; it costs the company too much money." FML

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By hadakanbo - 17/4/2020 05:00

They targeted gamers. GAMERS.

Today, after spending weeks collecting almost every star, flag, and stamp of Super Mario 3D World on the Wii U, I was working on the very last of the super bonus levels to get the final 12 of 380 available stars when my five-year-old decided to help. By accidentally deleting the file. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, I went to see "Black Swan" with my parents, not realizing that it was basically a porno. So I sat next to my dad while Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman had passionate lesbian sex on a twenty foot screen. And I'm pretty sure I heard the old guy behind us jacking off. FML

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By Marfo101 - 16/1/2015 15:41 - Ghana - Accra

Today, a pretty girl joined the line at the bus station. I let her skip the line and go before me so I could sit next to her. After she bought her ticket, I realized there were no more seats left on that bus. I was told to get off, and had to take the next bus, sitting next to a snoring old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2013 15:58 - United Kingdom - Westbury

Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML

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By Ohkourt - 20/4/2020 05:00

Mommy dearest

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

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By what - 11/6/2015 22:46 - United States - Livermore

Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML

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By Babs - 2/1/2014 13:17 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I did a bike ride and run with a gent I'm serious about. On the run, I had a big lead until he passed me up saying, "I'm going to marry you." Puzzled that he would propose and then sprint away leaving me trailing, he clarified at the finish. His words: "I'm going to bury you." FML

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By InDebt - 4/2/2016 04:47 - United States - Morgantown

Today, Southwest officially called off the search for my lost baggage and asked me to file a claim for reimbursement. My bag had $2000 worth of dental instruments, which I won't get any compensation for since the airline doesn't take any liability for valuable items. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 05:59 - United States - Jeromesville

Today, a friend invited me to christmas dinner since I have no family close by. When I got there she told me her and her husband forgot they had another dinner to go to and asked if I would watch their kids for them. They each grabbed a handful of cookies I had baked and rushed out the door. FML

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By Mikey - 28/4/2009 06:50 - United States

Today, I finally got cleared after my knee surgery and wanted to go salsa dancing with a girl I liked. So we went and I thought I would show off a little bit and try to dip her and kiss her. Turns out my knee isn't strong enough and now she won't talk to me after dropping her on the floor. FML

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By parenting_failure - 20/3/2011 16:10 - France

Today, my son was on Facebook while he was supposed to be studying. He called me a liar and accused me of making up excuses to chew him out. How do I know he was online? He liked and commented on a video I posted. My son is a dumbass. FML

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By idontlikebitter - 8/3/2016 21:10 - Switzerland - Klingnau

Today, as I was doing my make-up, I needed a Q-tip to fix a mistake. I took one out the box and put it in my mouth to get it wet. Too bad someone had used it before to clean their ears. FML

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By Tristan Brantley - 11/3/2012 07:36 - United States

Today, I called my wife from work to check in on her because she's eight months pregnant. She didn't answer. Instead she showed up at my work hysterically crying and screaming, "You don't love me because I'm a fat whale!" She then knocked everything off my desk. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2012 22:41 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had a chest x-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, "Mother of God." I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep. FML

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By Maggie123 - 14/9/2009 05:07 - Canada

Today, I was taking my morning pills. There had been a lot of fruit flies in my house lately. I grabbed a cup of water beside to sink to wash the pills down. As soon as I tasted the drink, I realized it was vinegar and dish soap used to trap the flies. I washed my pills down with dead flies. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 00:41 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were in his car when he burst out crying, I thought it might have been because we had gotten into a huge fight and he felt bad. No, he cried on my shoulder for a half hour because he misses his ex-girlfriend. He's been writing songs about wanting her back. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2010 17:34 - Canada

Today, after going down on my boyfriend, we were cuddling and I went to kiss him. Just before I could reach his lips, he ran his finger over my mouth and whispered, "S-s-s-semen." FML

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Top comments

By mastershane | 0

#691779 - Saturday 28 November 2009 2:20

and then u wonder why 12 year olds are getting prego... Even though I don't think the op is that young but still...

By faxe | 0

#692138 - Saturday 28 November 2009 6:08

Go into porno. When you're taking your "Slut of the Year" award, mention how your mom inspired you.

COMMENTS

By mastershane | 0

#691779 - Saturday 28 November 2009 2:20

and then u wonder why 12 year olds are getting prego... Even though I don't think the op is that young but still...

GreatGeak | 8

#1801097 - Monday 6 December 2010 7:14

my parents go "promise us you'll wait until after marriage"
still deciding if I should or shouldn't. :/

cassie567 | 0

#2381005 - Thursday 21 April 2011 2:05

hey I'm 12 and a virgin!

Drumming_fml | 7

#2492314 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 7:41

you deserve a medal

cassie567 | 0

#2536148 - Friday 20 May 2011 1:11

I do :)

By pieofchrist | 0

#691784 - Saturday 28 November 2009 2:22

she's got your best interests. she's even trying to help!
if it's constructive critisism YDI, if she's being mean, FYL.

By kristidgranger | 3

#691785 - Saturday 28 November 2009 2:23

sucks

By JP101 | 0

#691792 - Saturday 28 November 2009 2:28

This is awesome. Best mother ever! Listen to her!

SenGaeriel | 3

#692017 - Saturday 28 November 2009 5:05

I agree!

Legend_In_Canada | 0

#701054 - Thursday 3 December 2009 1:07

i would love it if my mom helped me get laid!

Clare420 | 0

#1004509 - Sunday 23 May 2010 23:05

you have a chill mom. YDI for not getting laid

alicespoons | 17

#5662771 - Saturday 7 September 2013 7:53

Are you fucking serious? OPs own mother insulted them. And y'all are all praising her for trying to get her child laid. Get your priorities straight. For fucks sake.

By LonghornsFan1 | 0

#691793 - Saturday 28 November 2009 2:28

Lol thats funny

By JoeNormal | 0

#691872 - Saturday 28 November 2009 3:27

lmao wow go mom... n btw

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#691908 - Saturday 28 November 2009 3:52

More like "I WANT GRANDCHILDRENZ!!!111"
I hate people like your mother, OP.

ninjacutie | 6

#3633561 - Friday 25 November 2011 2:50

Heyyy be nice my mommy is just like OPs mom >.< she actually said "You better pop out a few puppies honey I'm not living forever and I love babies!" it kinda scared me… but ya know it's w/e

By perdix | 29

#691933 - Saturday 28 November 2009 4:11

I wish we knew the gender of the OP, and maybe the age.

If the OP was a 29-year-old woman, see DameGreyWulf's comment #8.

If the OP was a 17-year-old boy, it's the opening sequence of a Wincest porn loop.

By gpstyne | 0

#692016 - Saturday 28 November 2009 5:05

nice to know she cares

By BunnyDrastic | 0

#692074 - Saturday 28 November 2009 5:36

AHAHA!