Intimacy: Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks....

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 075

You deserved it 3 622

Intimacy

Thanks Texas

Time is running out

Things can only get better

By Anonymous - 16/06/2013 06:37 - United States - Denver

Today, I had my last orchestra concert and had a large solo. My dad came to watch and record it; however, the whole time he recorded another girl, thinking it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 550

You deserved it 3 208

By mark - 06/06/2010 23:48 - United States

Today, I went downstairs after a family argument. The front door was kicked in, the sink faucet was snapped off, and there were broken plates all over the kitchen floor. I later found out that the argument was over who left the refrigerator door open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 726

You deserved it 2 576

By petra84 - 22/10/2012 22:34 - United States - Evans

Today, I let a friend borrow a power saw. When I found it on my porch later, the blade was missing and the cord was cut. Looking closer, I realized it was his saw. He kept my new one. He totally denies that he switched them and now won't answer his door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 035

You deserved it 2 246

Close

By Anonymous - 15/04/2021 01:59

Today, my husband decided it's completely fine to walk around the house with his penis out in front of his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 126

By Anonymous - 16/04/2016 06:01 - United States - Spring

Today, my fiancé's mom was driving me to the store to pick up my wedding dress. A few minutes into the drive, she said the car's tank was nearly out of "Jews" and that she'd have to give it "a whole lotta gas", then chuckled to herself. She's well aware that I'm Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 650

You deserved it 2 302

By Loveless - 20/07/2009 01:06 - United States

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 247 283

You deserved it 15 352

By Anonymous - 18/10/2015 14:23 - United States - Marshall

Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 862

You deserved it 5 498

Stay at home, especially you

By Anonymous - 09/04/2021 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I got tested positive for coronavirus, caught from my antivax neighbor who doesn't understand personal space. She calls herself a "Doctor", so "knows best." She has a PhD in psychology. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 163

By xOdaatx - 26/09/2011 13:01 - Australia

Today, my fiancé told me his ex-wife was 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her, and glad she had finally moved on. Until I found out who the father was. They're moving back in together, for the baby's sake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 375

You deserved it 3 028

By biglady - 17/02/2011 07:02 - Canada

Today, I downloaded an application for my phone that reads whatever you type out loud. I started making it say things like "You like it when daddy spanks your tight little ass don't you?" Just as the message was playing back out loud, my mom walked up the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 490

You deserved it 55 430

By wtf? - 19/07/2014 05:53 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mother compared having me as a daughter to having a deadly kind of cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 246

You deserved it 5 664

Scammers gonna scam

By CrystalsDontWork - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - El Paso

Today, my colleagues and I found out that our boss has been taking business advice from an astrologer, as well as a soothsayer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 160

You deserved it 2 807

Frugality

By Gingertabs - 23/08/2021 22:00

Today, I found out I am only entitled to £63 government assistance a month. I haven't worked or even left house for a year and a half, as my agoraphobia/anxiety has spiraled out of control. I don't know how I'm going to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 280

By mettaton - 17/01/2019 00:00

Today, I realized that my mom talks to me with the exact same tone of voice she uses for my little cousin. I’m 23 and my cousin is 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 236

You deserved it 315

By Anonymous - 06/11/2012 02:48 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my best friend got engaged to the guy she's been seeing for five years. He also happens to be the man I've been in love with for eight. As she was giving me the details, she nonchalantly gave me her reason for accepting the proposal: "Why the hell not, there's always divorce." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 329

You deserved it 4 499

Skinny issues

By maisie - 31/03/2021 21:30

Today, after a few months of trying to gain weight due to being severely underweight, I got a stomach flu and lost every single pound I put on, and then some. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 52

By Anon - 10/03/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 713

You deserved it 9 480

Glamorous...

By KlutzyFarmGirl - 12/06/2018 14:30 - United States

Today, I went into the farm where I work. Within the first 30 minutes I slipped on a fresh cow pie and broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 299

You deserved it 348

By CollegeGrad - 25/04/2009 06:39 - United States

Today, was my graduation from a prestigious university. In two days I start working at a hot dog stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 693

You deserved it 16 905

By Gavin - 20/02/2012 21:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 711

You deserved it 4 663

TMI

By Anonymous - 21/05/2020 05:00

Today, I was trying to teach my Aunt and Gran to use Google drive to share and upload pictures, when I scrolled past an image of my… yep. I didn't have a mirror when the pic was taken and I was concerned about a sore. Now they just think I'm a whore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 278

You deserved it 492

By alexander - 08/02/2017 10:00 - United States - Longmont

Today, my girlfriend really needed to take a pee while we were fishing in my boat. Rather than go to shore, she decided to she could just go into a Snapple bottle. I watched as all her pee went straight onto the floor of my boat, soon realizing she had never even taken the bottle's cap off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 637

You deserved it 1 032

By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 20:13 - United States - Rochester

Today, I finally told my father that I was picked on at college all this year over my hearing disability. When I told him one of the jokes they made about me, he burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 783

You deserved it 3 558

By Anonymous - 12/06/2016 12:37 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 511

You deserved it 2 156

By Anonymous - 23/08/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, while laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I listened to the chirping crickets and appreciated how soothing the sounds were. Then I realized I lived on the 8th floor of an apartment building. Turns out my brother's science project got into my room and multiplied... a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 403

You deserved it 2 262

By Ihavealisp - 16/02/2011 02:32 - United States

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 627

You deserved it 7 037

By Why Me - 20/10/2014 03:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my neighbor finally decided that when she walks her dog, she should pick up his poop. She also decided to leave the poop-filled bags in my driveway. I confronted her about this and she claimed it's never happened. I've watched her multiple times from my front window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 985

You deserved it 2 775

Get away from me

By Anonymous - 19/10/2021 11:00 - United States

Today, my mother snapped and took her frustrations out on me. Whenever she has a problem with other family members, it falls on me because she can't show them her true face to them. And she wonders why I hide away all the time… FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 74

By arsenic660 - 30/07/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 779

You deserved it 4 531

Nice guy

By UnderAppreciated - 05/11/2021 16:00 - United States - Loveland

Today, after an entire week of doing all the household chores, and feeling under appreciated, I suggested to my boyfriend that we go on a date night, to feel a little more connected. He has spent all day trying to get out of it. I offered to pay, because I just want to feel loved again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 170

You deserved it 188

By paulinapo - 28/03/2013 13:52 - United States - Staten Island

Today, while in a public bathroom, I threw out my back. A stranger had to help me pull up my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 316

You deserved it 2 844

Not cool

By ash203 - 12/12/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, my friend and I got really drunk at the holiday staff party. When I went to work afterwards, everyone gave me the death stare. Apparently, I got so drunk that I flashed my boss's 13-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 278

You deserved it 50 089

By Anonymous - 27/07/2012 09:25 - United States - Toledo

Today, while working as a manager at a restaurant, the "All employees must wash hands" sign in the bathroom was stolen. Now my employees won't wash their hands because they "don't have to." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 051

You deserved it 2 583

By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 11:41 - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, I had to bail my son out of jail, because he's a pansy and wouldn't last a night in there. His crime: pissing through the open windows of passing cars after losing a bet with his friends. I feel like if he gave me grandkids, they'd be born with half a brain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 140

You deserved it 4 248

By Anonymous - 23/08/2015 12:35 - Australia

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 042

You deserved it 5 629

By Anonymous - 01/07/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 674

You deserved it 19 765

By anonymous - 04/08/2015 20:56 - United States - Ballwin

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 561

You deserved it 2 039

By purplepixie23 - 22/09/2018 14:00

Today, it's -5°C outside and snowing and it's only September. If that wasn’t bad enough, we aren't allowed to have the heat on at work due to a menopausal monster who loses her shit and throws things if we turn it on. I can't feel my toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 176

You deserved it 218

By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 03:42 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 433

You deserved it 4 657

He's still got it

By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 00:01

Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 637

You deserved it 130

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Top comments

faxe 0

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Saturday 28 November 2009 6:08

Go into porno. When you're taking your "Slut of the Year" award, mention how your mom inspired you.

cassie567 0

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Thursday 21 April 2011 2:05

hey I'm 12 and a virgin!

mastershane 0

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Saturday 28 November 2009 2:20

and then u wonder why 12 year olds are getting prego... Even though I don't think the op is that young but still...

GreatGeak 8

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Monday 6 December 2010 7:14

my parents go "promise us you'll wait until after marriage" still deciding if I should or shouldn't. :/

cassie567 0

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Thursday 21 April 2011 2:05

hey I'm 12 and a virgin!

Drumming_fml 7

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Wednesday 11 May 2011 7:41

you deserve a medal

cassie567 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 1:11

I do :)

pieofchrist 0

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Saturday 28 November 2009 2:22

she's got your best interests. she's even trying to help! if it's constructive critisism YDI, if she's being mean, FYL.

kristidgranger 3

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Saturday 28 November 2009 2:23

sucks

JP101 0

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Saturday 28 November 2009 2:28

This is awesome. Best mother ever! Listen to her!

SenGaeriel 3

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Saturday 28 November 2009 5:05

I agree!

Legend_In_Canada 0

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Thursday 3 December 2009 1:07

i would love it if my mom helped me get laid!

Clare420 0

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Sunday 23 May 2010 23:05

you have a chill mom. YDI for not getting laid

alicespoons 17

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Saturday 7 September 2013 7:53

Are you fucking serious? OPs own mother insulted them. And y'all are all praising her for trying to get her child laid. Get your priorities straight. For fucks sake.

LonghornsFan1 0

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Saturday 28 November 2009 2:28

Lol thats funny

JoeNormal 0

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Saturday 28 November 2009 3:27

lmao wow go mom... n btw

DameGreyWulf 0

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Saturday 28 November 2009 3:52

More like "I WANT GRANDCHILDRENZ!!!111" I hate people like your mother, OP.

ninjacutie 6

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Friday 25 November 2011 2:50

Heyyy be nice my mommy is just like OPs mom >.< she actually said "You better pop out a few puppies honey I'm not living forever and I love babies!" it kinda scared me… but ya know it's w/e

perdix 29

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Saturday 28 November 2009 4:11

I wish we knew the gender of the OP, and maybe the age. If the OP was a 29-year-old woman, see DameGreyWulf's comment #8. If the OP was a 17-year-old boy, it's the opening sequence of a Wincest porn loop.