Intimacy: Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

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Intimacy

Season finale

F*** my overweight life

Modernity

By rejected - United States - Charlotte

Today, my girlfriend saw the name "Melissa" on my phone's contact list. After refusing to tell her who it was, she accused me of being a cheater, broke up with me and stormed out of my house. Melissa is the name of a woman from Craigslist who was going to sell me an antique engagement ring. FML

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By Yes - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gloucester

Thanks Karen

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

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By Tanisha Skye Regeling - 11/6/2020 23:02

Night terrors

Today, I woke up with a headache and a bruised forehead after my husband full-force elbowed me in the head last night in his sleep. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact he has zero memory of doing it. FML

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By dam01 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting a bit steamy. After a few minutes, he jumps up and runs over to the closet and puts on a long brown jacket putting the hood over to his eyes. He looks me in the eyes and says 'I am Obi Wan Kenobi and I'm going to slay you with my light saber'. FML

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By RestlessDiesel - United States - Hudson

Today, I pulled off the road to help a turtle cross it. Before I could get out of my car a dump truck ran over the turtle, splattering my car with turtle guts and bits of shell. FML

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By danny5191 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a nasty cough, but I went to college anyway. When I walked into class, I could practically smell menstrual blood in the air. After a few coughs, our instructor gave me an "Oh, shut up!" After half an hour, she kicked me out for not "taking the class seriously". FML

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By xXx3mi_MuffinxXx - United States

Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to the lake today or tomorrow because I'd been called in to work. She won't believe me and thinks I'm simply avoiding her. I got called in to bathe and clean dogs' anal glands. FML

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By KKimrae_ness - United States

Today, I found some oversized-strawberry-spree candies in my pantry. They were delicious and I munched on them through out the day. I ended up in and out, but mostly in, the bathroom in the dead hours of the night experiencing the wonders and effectiveness of Fruit Flavored Fiber pills. FML

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By Adalia - United Kingdom

Today, I wore a beautiful new dress that I got for £5 only in a sale. I've been turning heads in it all day. When I got home, my mum pulled the massive red £5 tag off of the back. FML

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By Liz0352 - United States - Bainbridge Island

Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt fairly depressed about being single for the holidays during work. This cute girl came to my register asking about our sales ad. After telling her we had no copies, she asked for my number. I shouted: "Finally, someone wants to go out with me." She wanted the store's number to call. FML

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By Mr. Hopeless - United States

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said "sorry I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of hardcore training, free of injuries, I pinched a nerve in my neck while putting on a swimsuit to lie in the sun doing nothing. FML

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By need2eat - United States

Today, I saw my parents for the first time in 11 weeks. They commented on how much weight I lost. I told how due to stress, I hadn't been able to eat anything for the past two weeks and I was basically unintentionally starving myself. They told me to keep it up. FML

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By Bozo - United States - Saukville

Today, I got a perm in an attempt to prove to my family that I'd been doing well with my life since I last saw them almost a year ago. I ended up going over for dinner looking like Bozo the Clown thanks to my idiot stylist, and my brothers wouldn't stop mocking me about it. FML

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By suspended - Australia

Today, while I was working customer support, a lady hung up on me mid-sentence, and I trailed off, saying "…aaannnddd you hung up on me like a bitch." Turned out she was still on the line and had just accidentally hit mute. FML

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By Charli

Today, after months of my (now ex) boyfriend telling me he wished I was blonde with big boobs, I finally retaliated with "I wish you were a redhead with a big dick, but you don't see me complaining." He cried and said I should love him for who he is. FML

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By copenhagen20 - United States

Today, I'm seven months into a twelve month deployment. I called my fiancée, and she dumped me. The worst part is that two days ago, I re-enlisted to go to a unit an hour away from her house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

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By downlowtooslow - United States

Today, while eating with my kids at McDonalds, my son put his hand up and wanted me to give him a "high five." I went to give him a five, but he moved his hand at the last second and I ended up slapping him in the face. Now everyone there thinks I'm a child-beater. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving I made a fake phone call with my fake boyfriend, making him sound amazing to my friends who were in the car with me. Until the red and blue flashing lights pulled up behind us. My fake boyfriend cost me $160 in real fines. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad came in to ask if I wanted the rest of his cake. I'd made it for my cousin's wedding, and spent 2 days preparing it. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Helen - United States - Pine Bluff

Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML

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By linked - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me using LinkedIn, a platform people use to connect with potential employers. FML

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By susiedoggles - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

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By Bobby

Today, I went to a bone and joint specialist because of excruciating back pain. Before the examination, the doctor told me that the possible reasons for the pain could be arthritis, sciatica, or scoliosis. After the examination, I found out that I have all three. FML

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By anon - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I woke up after taking the new sleeping pills I was prescribed for my insomnia. I slept for 12 hours and had 5 missed calls from my boss. FML

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By Miguel Ezpeleta - 29/5/2020 05:00

Never get involved

Today, I was working for my cousin. However, two weeks ago I found out my cousin's wife was cheating on him, through lying to her best friend. I told him, and he later told her. They've apparently made up, because I got fired. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I asked my aunt to pluck my eyebrows since hers are perfectly done. What I didn't know is she gets hers professionally shaped and she doesn't know how to shape eyebrows. I now look like a surprised Vulcan. FML

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By notatherapist - Netherlands - Huizen

Today, my boyfriend and I were roleplaying therapist and patient in bed. When I playfully asked him what bothered him, he told me his mother hates him and burst into tears. FML

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By FuckedByLife - United Kingdom - Bridgend

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend of two years was cheating on me. How? His other girlfriend crashed her car into mine and had him pick her up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 17:00

Marriage (Dress) Story

Today, I found out that the company I sent my wedding dress to caught fire and lost everything in their building. I was going to be the fourth generation woman in my family to wear it. FML

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By jimmy - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with crabs. I lost my virginity to my wife, and have never had sex or any sexual contact with anyone but her in my life. FML

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52957

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By donnap - United States - North Highlands

Today, I got a really bad sunburn. On my eyelids. Who knew blinking could be so painful? FML

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By unholy shit - United States

Today, my parents boarded the fad wagon and became Juggalos. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mother took me to go and see my grandfather, who I hadn't seen since I was 4. The first thing he said to me was, "Pfwoarr, look at those tits." FML

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By lovingpsychosis - United Kingdom

Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a description of my girlfriend, only for her to interrupt, saying that she meant a therapist, and the fact that I'd just made up a relationship was further proof that I needed one. I really do have a girlfriend. FML

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By locksmack - Australia

Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I held a container while a patient tried to throw up in it. She missed. FML

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Top comments

By bcoolplz | 1

#2003546 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:31

i love ice cream too

By Doortje | 29

#2003582 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:40

Just say you have something else for him to eat.

COMMENTS

By bcoolplz | 1

#2003546 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:31

i love ice cream too

UnanomousGurl | 0

#2004609 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 2:34

Lol those are the 2 best things! now how about u both mix icecream with your creams xD enjoy!

USAF_girl | 3

#2004663 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 2:52

maybe you're just not hot! mmmmm ice cream......

razeleet | 0

#2004903 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:12

I'd pick ice cream over sex, who wouldn't? Who is with me?

breena25 | 0

#2004981 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:34

agreed with 55 :)

Sydknee | 8

#2005206 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 5:28

Damn you lucky adults!

lmBrown | 0

#2005321 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 6:13

cuz 55 never had sex in his life he don't know how good it feels

ehaile4 | 0

#2006901 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 15:33

55 agree Dude
low calories tho haha

TheOptimist | 0

#2008531 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 9:11

74 - I pity stupid people like you.

By Blackmail111 | 9

#2003556 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:33

it is eating sweets in bed rocks

By truehitman2010 | 0

#2003557 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:33

it is the best part

xxBrokenHeartxx | 0

#2005476 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 7:20

NOOOOOOO

TheOptimist | 0

#2008536 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 9:14

Ice cream cake is better. Especially the Dairy Queen kind.

By Garytt | 0

#2003561 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:33

Smear the ice cream all over your body

OtherHighlander | 0

#2003985 - Monday 24 January 2011 23:50

I second that motion.

SulfurPlague | 0

#2006733 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 14:26

win avatar.

cupcakemann95 | 7

#4692477 - Monday 16 July 2012 1:57

Then you don't let him leave the room until he eats it all

By Quasar55_fml | 18

#2003564 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:34

Haha he's definitely right ! When I grow older, I want to eat ice cream in bed mom !

By YoungMoney1492 | 0

#2003568 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:36

maybe he was thinkin ice cream + you = a good very good time!!!!!!!! duh

By nathan5 | 0

#2003579 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:37

Mans got a point, ice cream and sex-can you beat it?

rgermain | 0

#2004149 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 0:26

It'll be a little awkward, but he could.

Proud_vegetarian | 0

#2005381 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 6:35

Maybe cake, ice cream and sex?

ZeeBest86 | 6

#2005485 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 7:22

32-lmao!!!! good one

BlehMcBleh | 0

#2006090 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 10:49

Cake, Ice cream, Sex, and a midget. Who doesn't love midgets?

creamcheese724 | 0

#2006171 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 11:37

midgets are the best

TheOptimist | 0

#2008556 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 9:19

Sports. Or video games. If he's watching/doing either, he wins.

By Doortje | 29

#2003582 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:40

Just say you have something else for him to eat.

nathan5 | 0

#2003617 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:48

She has pizza too?!?!

Shutuptroll | 0

#2005427 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 6:58

You don't need a dirty mind to get it. You're just fucking retarded.

JManHobbs | 0

#2006052 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 10:33

#80 +1

By saleha97 | 4

#2003586 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:43

lmfao, he's right :)

By Becket_nitefire | 0

#2003814 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:53

op should have lick lick licked him like a lollypop.

TheOmen46 | 1

#2005030 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:43

he makes her wanna lick him like a wrapper :)