Intimacy: Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black...

By Anonymous - 24/01/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 591

You deserved it 4 798

Intimacy

This Charming Man

That went well

Explain yourself

By troll of a gran - 08/01/2013 17:10 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 775

You deserved it 4 833

By TooFlamingHot - 14/01/2016 02:08 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I arrived at the kennels I work in to find the power disconnected and the water pump off. This meant I had to bucket water and carry it to keep over sixty assorted dogs and cats alive in temperatures over 90 degrees. The moment I finished, the power came back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 779

You deserved it 1 493

By Anonymous - 23/01/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 337

You deserved it 3 243

By sounfair90 - 27/05/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I felt left out that all my friends are getting married or have great relationships and my boyfriend won't commit. I made a facebook up and pretended to talk with this really cute guy I made up. Today, I found out that my boyfriend is gay... he started hitting on my made up facebook guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 659

You deserved it 21 364

By Eres - 11/02/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, my mom took away my medication. She's afraid I'll get "hooked". The medication is anti-anxiety pills. I have horrible anxiety attacks that sometimes cause me to scratch my arms until they bleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 109

You deserved it 4 494

End of the year assessment

By robbert - 04/12/2021 01:59 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I overheard my female coworkers huddling in the breakroom, rating the male coworkers from hottest to least. My manager is, “Probably packing, teehee.” The new kid, “has a girlfriend but that won’t stop me.” They unanimously agree that I’m, “friendly but probably lowkey a creep.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 204

By HotelClerk - 22/01/2010 06:37 - United States

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 101

You deserved it 42 386

Hot Mess

By bigmikenyc - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave, it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 321

You deserved it 29 135

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, I texted everyone in my phone to remind them mother's day is tomorrow. Everyone including the boy whose mom died last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 902

You deserved it 81 482

By prostitutes boyfriend - 21/10/2011 14:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't go to work, she's actually been seeing another guy purely for sex, and each time he gives her money to "support her unemployment." Pretty sure that means I'm dating a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 226

You deserved it 4 366

Nose job

By pignose - 05/09/2019 02:01

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. The youngest said, "Wow! You have huge nostrils!" She noticed my offended look and pushed her nose up like a pig's, saying, "It’s okay! Now I do too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 465

You deserved it 210

By -____- - 05/10/2013 21:28 - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 224

You deserved it 7 379

By Anonymous - 10/01/2011 19:14 - United States

Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 275

You deserved it 4 339

By Mommy - 26/06/2011 20:47 - United States

Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 440

You deserved it 28 142

By Anonymous - 09/01/2016 05:38 - United States - Columbus

Today, I spent nearly an hour trying to take a decent photo for my dating site profile. Not 20 minutes after uploading it, I got a message saying "Srsly dude stop trying, u look like Rosie O'Donnell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 968

You deserved it 2 444

By Anonymous - 13/03/2011 22:26 - United States

Today, in an attempt to impress a girl I like, I tried to crush a soda can by hitting it with my forehead. Not only did I fail, I knocked myself out in the process. When I regained consciousness, the girl was gone and someone had taken the liberty of drawing a penis on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 735

You deserved it 73 777

By little tooth - 06/11/2008 13:39 - France

Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 840

You deserved it 9 325

By Anonymous - 08/08/2018 20:30

Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made the mistake of being comfortable with a machine that literally bends and breaks steel bars. I lost my entire middle finger and the top third of my pinky and ring fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 631

You deserved it 1 497

By Annon - 26/11/2011 11:38 - Australia

Today, the recycling bin caught fire. My little brother was "experimenting" with his magnifying glass, set an egg carton on fire and didn't realise you had to put it out before throwing it in the bin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 769

You deserved it 2 467

By AtheistLookingforRoomie - 12/01/2017 22:00

Today, I had a meeting with a potential roommate to rent a 2/2 space and it was going well. We laughed, joked, and seemed to get along and want the same things. At the end of the conversation, however, he said he needed to "pray" about his decision to room with an atheist. This probably won't work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 214

You deserved it 1 475

By oops - 05/04/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 031

You deserved it 80 496

By Anonymous - 22/07/2013 19:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 984

You deserved it 4 498

By hungry hungry harvey - 08/05/2016 16:56 - United States

Today, my wife is so determined to keep me on my diet that, as I'm off work for the next week, she has gotten rid of all the food in the house. She has also taken the phones and iPads so I can't order a takeaway, and taken all my trousers so I can't walk to the shops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 568

You deserved it 2 506

Earthquake sneezer

By Noname - 27/01/2009 00:02 - Japan

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 690

You deserved it 2 803

Booty non-call

By Alex - 15/12/2020 13:58

Today, my girl sent me a naked booty pic, telling me not to be late home. When I got home, she was in dirty old sweatpants, too upset for sex because her celebrity crush died. Not in real life, in one of the TV shows she's watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 535

You deserved it 217

By J. Homen - 30/03/2013 22:22 - United States

Today, the girl I thought I was dating got into a fight with me over the phone. She did this because she bet her boyfriend that she could make me cry on FaceTime. She won the bet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 751

You deserved it 5 768

I'm horny, horny horny horny…

By Anonymous - 07/11/2020 11:01

Today, my husband chose to masturbate. I'm not getting laid for the forth night in a row, because initiating sex is too hard for him. Just once, I want to not have to initiate or flat out beg for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 349

You deserved it 246

Rude!

By leahtortilla - 21/11/2021 11:01

Today, I was at Universal Studios. Beetlejuice said to me, "Glad to see they're letting the Weasleys out of Harry Potter Land!" I'm a redhead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 273

By blonde - 29/09/2010 07:08 - Australia

Today, I saw a crash on the highway. The police weren't yet there, so I pulled over to help because I know CPR. No one needed CPR, but I had locked myself out of my car. My roadside assist won't come to highways, so I had to get towed away in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 849

You deserved it 6 530

By wahhh - 08/08/2011 11:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbor from across the road phoned me at work telling me there was a fire engine outside my house and a lot of smoke. I drove home in a panic, smashing a rear light on a post and getting flashed by a speed camera. It wasn't my house. The firemen were putting out a bonfire next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 791

You deserved it 6 592

By facebook - 24/06/2010 10:09 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend "accidentally" set her relationship status to "single", and 20 of my friends "liked" it, including my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 943

You deserved it 4 965

By GLX - 14/06/2017 17:00 - United States - Sand Springs

Today, a "friend" tried to sell me a digital camera that I recognized that was stolen from my home a week earlier, along with a few other things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 676

You deserved it 251

Introversion pains

By Anonymous - 01/09/2021 09:01 - United States - Steele

Today, I was trying to give my friend a present for his birthday. Unfortunately, he and most of my friends are loud extroverts. After what seemed like an hour of waiting for them to shut their pie holes so I could give my present to him, I just left it on the table and walked out. No one even noticed I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 283

By lolzor - 12/03/2009 12:07 - Australia

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 452

You deserved it 105 943

By Meg - 15/07/2011 22:24 - United States

Today, I was on the elevator at work. As it descended, a roach started scurrying about around my feet. I freaked out and started screaming, hitting the panic button without thinking. Now I'm facing a hefty fine for using the panic button when there wasn't a "real" emergency. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 337

You deserved it 43 614

By IhatebeingtheDD - 15/10/2010 14:08 - United States

Today, I was the designated driver for my friend's 21st birthday. On the way home from the bar, he threw up all the pasta and tequila he'd had onto the back seat of my car, and told me it was part of his whole party plan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 385

You deserved it 4 066

By Anonymous - 31/03/2009 01:13 - United States

Today, I was ringing an old man up in the local grocery store when I had realized all he was buying was 3 bottles of vodka and a box of condoms. While I was loading the bags into his cart he laid his hand on my shoulder and told me "I'd take you home with me but chances are I would be arrested". FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 248

You deserved it 6 015

By pukishgirl - 18/11/2010 12:12 - India

Today, my boss was skeptical when I told her I had a terrible migraine and needed to go home for the day early. I removed all her doubts by puking over her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 292

You deserved it 2 875

By DaoOfPow - 23/05/2015 07:51 - United States - Danbury

Today, my mom told me I'm the reason she's going to kill herself one day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 199

You deserved it 3 210

By Anonymous - 06/01/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 363

You deserved it 6 098

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Top comments

bcoolplz 1

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:31

i love ice cream too

Doortje 29

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:40

Just say you have something else for him to eat.

bcoolplz 1

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:31

i love ice cream too

UnanomousGurl 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 2:34

Lol those are the 2 best things! now how about u both mix icecream with your creams xD enjoy!

USAF_girl 3

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 2:52

maybe you're just not hot! mmmmm ice cream......

razeleet 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:12

I'd pick ice cream over sex, who wouldn't? Who is with me?

breena25 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:34

agreed with 55 :)

Sydknee 8

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 5:28

Damn you lucky adults!

lmBrown 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 6:13

cuz 55 never had sex in his life he don't know how good it feels

ehaile4 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 15:33

55 agree Dude low calories tho haha

TheOptimist 0

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Wednesday 26 January 2011 9:11

74 - I pity stupid people like you.

Blackmail111 9

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:33

it is eating sweets in bed rocks

truehitman2010 0

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:33

it is the best part

xxBrokenHeartxx 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 7:20

NOOOOOOO

TheOptimist 0

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Wednesday 26 January 2011 9:14

Ice cream cake is better. Especially the Dairy Queen kind.

Garytt 0

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:33

Smear the ice cream all over your body

OtherHighlander 0

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Monday 24 January 2011 23:50

I second that motion.

SulfurPlague 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 14:26

win avatar.

cupcakemann95 7

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Monday 16 July 2012 1:57

Then you don't let him leave the room until he eats it all

Quasar55_fml 18

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:34

Haha he's definitely right ! When I grow older, I want to eat ice cream in bed mom !

YoungMoney1492 0

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:36

maybe he was thinkin ice cream + you = a good very good time!!!!!!!! duh

nathan5 0

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:37

Mans got a point, ice cream and sex-can you beat it?

rgermain 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 0:26

It'll be a little awkward, but he could.

Proud_vegetarian 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 6:35

Maybe cake, ice cream and sex?

ZeeBest86 6

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 7:22

32-lmao!!!! good one

BlehMcBleh 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 10:49

Cake, Ice cream, Sex, and a midget. Who doesn't love midgets?

creamcheese724 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 11:37

midgets are the best

TheOptimist 0

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Wednesday 26 January 2011 9:19

Sports. Or video games. If he's watching/doing either, he wins.

Doortje 29

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:40

Just say you have something else for him to eat.

nathan5 0

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:48

She has pizza too?!?!

Shutuptroll 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 6:58

You don't need a dirty mind to get it. You're just fucking retarded.

JManHobbs 0

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 10:33

#80 +1

saleha97 4

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:43

lmfao, he's right :)

Becket_nitefire 0

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Monday 24 January 2011 22:53

op should have lick lick licked him like a lollypop.

TheOmen46 1

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:43

he makes her wanna lick him like a wrapper :)

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 46

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 25

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 381

You deserved it 97

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 34

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