Intimacy: Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Messed up

Season finale

By a very mad sister - United States - Pomona

Today, my older brother thought it would be hilarious to have over 200 people show up at my house to celebrate my wedding anniversary with my husband. Apparently, this was his "I'm sorry" present for missing my wedding last year. FML

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By Murphy’s Law - 4/3/2021 20:01 - United States - Troy

Operation time!

Today, I went to see the doctor for my daughter and myself. I fell two weeks ago, I thought I'd sprained my ankle but apparently I broke my leg instead. I’ve been limping around for two weeks. My daughter was sick, which is the only reason I got X-rayed. It may need screws. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I signed a two-year lease on a house. My next-door neighbor said she's in love with me, threatened my girlfriend, and won't stop blasting Taylor Swift. FML

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Today, after getting home from shopping, I noticed a security tag was still on one of the shirts I bought. I decided to take it back and ask them to remove the tag. They then accused me of trying to steal (even after I showed them the receipt) and kicked me out of the store. FML

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By balancestrikesagain - United States

Today, I was getting onto an airplane and happened to admire the stewardess. I was walking onto the plane and was just about to talk to her when my foot slipped into the crack between the boarding ramp and the plane. Not only did she laugh as I limped to my seat but now I have bruised nuts. FML

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By lonely one - United States

Today, it's been a week since I've been in hospital. No one has been to visit me. The nurses have nicknamed me "The Lonely One." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brunswick

Today, I went to my new dentist to get my teeth cleaned. He kept getting distracted, causing him to repeatedly stab me in the gums. He then had the nerve to tell me that I need to brush more, due to how I was bleeding just from his "routine examination". FML

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By babysitter93 - United States

Today, I was fired from the babysitting job I have had for 2 years. I thought maybe the mother had found out that I sometimes let her kids stay up late and have extra sweets. The real reason, as she told me, was that she didn't want her kids loving anyone more than they love her. FML

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By dazed and confused - United States - Tampa

Today, I got kicked out of my band by the guy who quit two weeks ago. The bad part? Everyone else agreed with him. FML

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By Baldy - New Zealand

Today, my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair. FML

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By HighasaCloud - United States - Elkhart

Shutdown

Today, I finally built up the courage to confess my love to the girl of my dreams. She turned me down. When I asked her about all the recent receptive behavior toward me, she replied, "I thought it'd be funny." FML

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By feeling single - United States - Burbank

Today, it's been so long since I heard from him, I had to look at my boyfriend's Facebook page to see if we're still in a relationship. FML

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By Anonymous

Too much of a good thing

Today, I finally found a job as a secretary for a small film studio. The sets are in a soundproofed part of the building, but not for the typical reasons. Right through the wall is a pornography studio. It's all I'll hear from 8 to 5 every day. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was on the subway, when the girl opposite me suddenly started shouting and accusing me of photographing her. I was reading a book on my phone, and I showed her the screen, but I got shoved around anyway by another guy, who threatened to report me for being a pervert. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

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By I'm a joke?

Today, I found out that me having a boyfriend is an on-going family joke. FML

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By wtfmom - United States - Clanton

Today, I told my mom that I got into National Honor Society and Beta Club. Most parents are proud but not her. She told me to get a job and that she was tired of my school shit. FML

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By Hayley - Canada

Today, I sneezed with so much force while I was driving that I whacked my head on the steering wheel and honked the horn. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 11:02

Delusional

Today, my sister made serious plans to move to another country to be closer to the married man she's having an affair with. She thinks this will force him to leave his family. I know who will have to listen to her whining when she is sitting all alone in a different country. FML

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By violated ._. - United States

Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML

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By Screwed - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that my car's passenger-side door has cobwebs all over it. FML

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By heckaza - Australia - Werribee

Today, I went to visit a suburb that was named after my family. Within five minutes of walking around I was mugged and then beat up. My family name has certainly done well for itself. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bromley

Testing times

Today, I took my driver's test. I was confident and thought everything would go well. My boss ended up calling me several times during the test. Turns out my colleague never showed up to cover for me, and my boss blamed me. Not only did I fail my test, I'm now suspended from work too. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 02:00

Impatience

Today, my dad asked me to help him buy a laptop by searching online. He explicitly said, "When you have time." I decided to shower as I had just woken up. While showering, I was startled by loud banging and my dad angrily asking why I wasn't looking for his laptop. FML

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By airport - United States

Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Elk River

Today, my boyfriend bought us plane tickets to Mexico for our "Honeymoon". This would be nice if he had proposed and if we'd been dating for longer than 2 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 17:01 - Australia

Traditions suck

Today, my fiance told me that his father would need to check my hymen is intact to ensure I'm pure before we get married. This is a new one. FML

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By oumalina - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I ordered pizza and watched a movie. After dinner we started to make out. I began to take my clothes off when he stopped me. He said that sex is exercise and you can't exercise for 30 minutes after eating. FML

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By Shelle - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Hat Up

Today, my partner was sent 450 miles away by the army, after he had been home for only 22 hours. Yesterday they told him he could come home for 2 weeks. I guess the British army doesn't want me to be happy. FML

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By Suzi_d16

Oh well, maybe next… year?

Today, I was supposed to get married. Unfortunately, it was cancelled because of the coronavirus. FML

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By TaintedL0v3 - United Kingdom - London

Heavy session last night?

Today, I woke up with Chocolate Buttons superglued to my face. FML

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By cubs44fan - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had the most intelligent conversation I've ever had with my boyfriend. He was getting really in-depth about subjects like biotechnology and gamma radiation. I soon realized he was only referring to the Incredible Hulk. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

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By HF44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, during my father's funeral, I heard my mother-in-law mutter, "No loss there. Lazy cunt." FML

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By isabellam0426

Today, while teaching my history class, a girl asked me where North America was. She lives in North America. FML

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By *sneeze*

Today, it's my wife's birthday. Since I had work, I gave her $200 to spend on herself and left. When I came back with dinner and the movie she wanted, I found her with a dog. She is very attached to him because the shelter was going to put him down. I love him, but I'm allergic to dogs. FML

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By allergic - France

Today, I found out that I have a gluten allergy. What this basically means is that I can't eat anything with wheat in it; bread, pasta, cake, you name it. I am Italian, this basically limits me from eating any of the awesome food my family makes almost every night. Here I come plain rice. FML

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Top comments

By bcoolplz | 1

#2003546 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:31

i love ice cream too

By Doortje | 29

#2003582 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:40

Just say you have something else for him to eat.

COMMENTS

By bcoolplz | 1

#2003546 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:31

i love ice cream too

UnanomousGurl | 0

#2004609 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 2:34

Lol those are the 2 best things! now how about u both mix icecream with your creams xD enjoy!

USAF_girl | 3

#2004663 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 2:52

maybe you're just not hot! mmmmm ice cream......

razeleet | 0

#2004903 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:12

I'd pick ice cream over sex, who wouldn't? Who is with me?

breena25 | 0

#2004981 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:34

agreed with 55 :)

Sydknee | 8

#2005206 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 5:28

Damn you lucky adults!

lmBrown | 0

#2005321 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 6:13

cuz 55 never had sex in his life he don't know how good it feels

ehaile4 | 0

#2006901 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 15:33

55 agree Dude
low calories tho haha

TheOptimist | 0

#2008531 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 9:11

74 - I pity stupid people like you.

By Blackmail111 | 9

#2003556 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:33

it is eating sweets in bed rocks

By truehitman2010 | 0

#2003557 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:33

it is the best part

xxBrokenHeartxx | 0

#2005476 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 7:20

NOOOOOOO

TheOptimist | 0

#2008536 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 9:14

Ice cream cake is better. Especially the Dairy Queen kind.

By Garytt | 0

#2003561 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:33

Smear the ice cream all over your body

OtherHighlander | 0

#2003985 - Monday 24 January 2011 23:50

I second that motion.

SulfurPlague | 0

#2006733 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 14:26

win avatar.

cupcakemann95 | 7

#4692477 - Monday 16 July 2012 1:57

Then you don't let him leave the room until he eats it all

By Quasar55_fml | 18

#2003564 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:34

Haha he's definitely right ! When I grow older, I want to eat ice cream in bed mom !

By YoungMoney1492 | 0

#2003568 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:36

maybe he was thinkin ice cream + you = a good very good time!!!!!!!! duh

By nathan5 | 0

#2003579 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:37

Mans got a point, ice cream and sex-can you beat it?

rgermain | 0

#2004149 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 0:26

It'll be a little awkward, but he could.

Proud_vegetarian | 0

#2005381 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 6:35

Maybe cake, ice cream and sex?

ZeeBest86 | 6

#2005485 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 7:22

32-lmao!!!! good one

BlehMcBleh | 0

#2006090 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 10:49

Cake, Ice cream, Sex, and a midget. Who doesn't love midgets?

creamcheese724 | 0

#2006171 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 11:37

midgets are the best

TheOptimist | 0

#2008556 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 9:19

Sports. Or video games. If he's watching/doing either, he wins.

By Doortje | 29

#2003582 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:40

Just say you have something else for him to eat.

nathan5 | 0

#2003617 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:48

She has pizza too?!?!

Shutuptroll | 0

#2005427 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 6:58

You don't need a dirty mind to get it. You're just fucking retarded.

JManHobbs | 0

#2006052 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 10:33

#80 +1

By saleha97 | 4

#2003586 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:43

lmfao, he's right :)

By Becket_nitefire | 0

#2003814 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:53

op should have lick lick licked him like a lollypop.

TheOmen46 | 1

#2005030 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:43

he makes her wanna lick him like a wrapper :)