Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black...

By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

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Intimacy

Does it taste good?

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Hello everyone!

By nutfreak - 12/8/2013 15:24 - United States - Lutherville Timonium

Today, I was diagnosed with severe nut allergies. My dad decided to buy jars of Nutella, write "You know you want this" on them, and stick them around the house. FML

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By Alex - 31/3/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me how I am too occupied with work for our relationship. Before we had sex I told my friend to call me in ten minutes so I can pretend its my boss and I would throw the phone away to impress her. He called me in ten minutes, but I only lasted five. FML

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By puppielover - 21/8/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, my step-mom informed me that she and my dad will not be attending my wedding because they will be at a NASCAR race. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 05:29 - United States - Madison

Today, after countless nights spent together and flirty texts, I decided ask my crush on a date while at a party. We went on a walk and held hands. Just as I asked him, he said no, let go of my hand and briskly walked away. He was my ride home. FML

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By jack - 27/8/2015 10:56 - United Kingdom - London

Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML

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By wowdadreally - 23/12/2014 20:46 - United States - College Station

Today, while shopping with my father, I had to use the restroom. As soon as I opened the door to the men's room, my father yelled that it was the ladies' room. I then turned around and went through the other door, where I ended up getting bitch-slapped. FML

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By SadMom - 21/12/2016 15:56

Today, I was told by a family member that if we come over on Christmas and my small children get upset or throw a fit, we will be asked to leave. I can't guarantee that my 2-year-old and 3-year-old won't have any meltdowns, so I guess we won't be spending Christmas with the rest of the family. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

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By hozzyandie - 14/12/2010 18:02 - Ireland

Today, at the office, everyone in my department swapped secret santa presents. I bought the guy whose name I picked a DVD box-set of his favorite TV series. One of my friends got a fancy make up kit. Another got a pack of posh notebooks. I got a toilet plunger. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 21:59 - United States - Elmwood Park

Today, I was at a diner with friends when we decided to put our phones in the middle of the table on the basis that whoever looks at theirs first has to pay. It was going well, until someone rushed up behind me, slammed my face into the table and ran out with our 4 phones. FML

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By uterus why - 1/2/2019 16:00

Today, I have realised that since I get laid so infrequently, every time I have sex now, it kickstarts my period. FML

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By stolen-car - 26/6/2012 02:55 - United States - Columbia

Today, I finally got enough money to buy the car I wanted for a year now. It was stolen today too. I had my car for 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2011 04:17

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

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By madamefuxalittle - 8/7/2014 20:52 - United States - Stratford

Today, an elderly lady sat next to me on a bench, and started telling me out of the blue about how bad it is to have saggy boobs. I was uncomfortable enough at the unwanted info, without her then looking at my chest and adding, "But I expect you already know that, dear." FML

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By TLT - 16/11/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to celebrate our anniversary. He had a card written in crayon with my name spelled wrong, and a basket I had seen his mother throw in the trash filled with flower petals ripped from my mom's garden. Our anniversary was 3 days ago. FML

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By baddormgirl - 19/2/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I walked through my college dorm and a freshman was watching some overly dramatic show on her laptop. I smiled and asked if it was a new episode of 'Gossip Girl.' She was on a video chat with her boyfriend. They were about to break up. FML

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By Wutdafuqq - 23/2/2015 20:18 - Canada - Kanata

Today, a woman yelled at me for holding a door open for her. FML

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By pokeloser - 24/6/2019 07:04

Today, my high point was still being able to recite all 151 generation one Pokémon in order, from memory. I need a life. FML

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By morenita27 - 21/12/2010 01:52 - Canada

Today, a woman came to my counter and ordered 12 donuts. I said, "OK sure, a dozen donuts." She paused, looked at me with disgust and yelled, "I said 12, NOT a dozen." FML

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By smbcolorado - 4/2/2011 22:43 - United States

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

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By anthony - 25/11/2015 12:32 - Luxembourg

Today, a cute girl I know in passing approached me very nervously and blushing like mad. She gave me a note with a number on it, said to call her, then ran away. When I called the number later, it was one of those rejection hotlines. What the hell? FML

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By Cassidy - 8/10/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

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By insideout - 10/5/2009 20:25 - United States

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

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By damaged - 4/11/2015 03:24 - United States - La Verne

Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML

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By jonasister - 15/4/2012 18:43 - Sweden - Lund

Today, another of my dad's blind dates went bad, so I took him out for a beer. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and when I came back, two guys were congratulating my dad on scoring such a hot piece of ass, and said the sex must be awesome. My dad played along with it. FML

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By sheisselluv - 11/5/2014 20:30 - Germany - Gera

Today, was my first day of work in my life. I was excited, and so was my dad, who saw me to the door and ruffled my hair as he wished me luck. I didn't notice until half an hour after arriving at work that he'd stuck his gum in my hair. Nobody bothered to tell me. FML

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By whoops - 15/8/2016 04:07 - United States - Huntingdon

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I had cheated on her. She didn't tell or get mad, oh no. She looked at me for a few seconds then burst out laughing and called me a liar. FML

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By pianokiller - 9/5/2009 04:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to his grandfather's funeral. At the reception, his family members insist on hearing me play piano. After getting positive reactions, I dive into one of my favorites, Rustle of Spring. In 2 seconds everyone bursts into tears. That was Papa's favorite too. FML

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By Stacy - 21/3/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in there today and there was a note that said "Little Sister, stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML

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By Rusty - 18/6/2015 02:07 - United States - New City

Today, I'm actually starting to miss my former heroin addict neighbor because of how mellow he was compared to my new neighbors. FML

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By Does this thought count? - 1/8/2014 00:17 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my ex-boyfriend surprised me with a gorgeous, giant stuffed tiger as a belated birthday gift. I thought it was a lovely gesture until a friend told me she had thrown it in the dumpster behind our building this morning. FML

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By Bug5992 - 9/12/2012 22:46 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 23:06

Dangling modifier

Today, I took my dog out for his walk, only to find out that I had an extra bra hanging vertically out of my pants. Thankfully, the only person who saw me was the maintenance guy, who looked very confused, so I just smiled at him. I had no idea why, I only realized when the wind blew it against my leg and I saw my shadow. FML

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By wtfmom - 7/10/2014 21:10 - United States - Clanton

Today, I told my mom that I got into National Honor Society and Beta Club. Most parents are proud but not her. She told me to get a job and that she was tired of my school shit. FML

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By milkshake - 23/1/2013 00:29 - United States - Pasadena

Today, at work at a car dealership, a seemingly overzealous customer shook my hand vigorously after we finalized a deal. I didn't think anything of it until a coworker pointed out that he was just trying to make my breasts jiggle. I'm a man. FML

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By qld - 20/12/2016 10:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I got sunburnt to a crisp on the first day of my holidays away. Only 5 more days to go now, spent inside, trying not to burn more. FML

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By 987564 - 22/2/2009 07:24 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was talking to my crush about making the soccer team. Excited, he congratulated me and asked for my number. I gave him my cellphone number. He laughed and said "your jersey number". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2016 06:10 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a classmate at college accused me of stalking her. All because I walked past her house. I was walking to the supermarket. FML

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By badtrip - 3/3/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

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Top comments

By bcoolplz | 1

#2003546 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:31

i love ice cream too

By Doortje | 28

#2003582 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:40

Just say you have something else for him to eat.

COMMENTS

By bcoolplz | 1

#2003546 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:31

i love ice cream too

UnanomousGurl | 0

#2004609 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 2:34

Lol those are the 2 best things! now how about u both mix icecream with your creams xD enjoy!

USAF_girl | 3

#2004663 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 2:52

maybe you're just not hot! mmmmm ice cream......

razeleet | 0

#2004903 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:12

I'd pick ice cream over sex, who wouldn't? Who is with me?

breena25 | 0

#2004981 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:34

agreed with 55 :)

Sydknee | 8

#2005206 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 5:28

Damn you lucky adults!

lmBrown | 0

#2005321 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 6:13

cuz 55 never had sex in his life he don't know how good it feels

ehaile4 | 0

#2006901 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 15:33

55 agree Dude
low calories tho haha

TheOptimist | 0

#2008531 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 9:11

74 - I pity stupid people like you.

By Blackmail111 | 9

#2003556 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:33

it is eating sweets in bed rocks

By truehitman2010 | 0

#2003557 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:33

it is the best part

xxBrokenHeartxx | 0

#2005476 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 7:20

NOOOOOOO

TheOptimist | 0

#2008536 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 9:14

Ice cream cake is better. Especially the Dairy Queen kind.

By Garytt | 0

#2003561 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:33

Smear the ice cream all over your body

OtherHighlander | 0

#2003985 - Monday 24 January 2011 23:50

I second that motion.

SulfurPlague | 0

#2006733 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 14:26

win avatar.

cupcakemann95 | 7

#4692477 - Monday 16 July 2012 1:57

Then you don't let him leave the room until he eats it all

By Quasar55_fml | 18

#2003564 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:34

Haha he's definitely right ! When I grow older, I want to eat ice cream in bed mom !

By YoungMoney1492 | 0

#2003568 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:36

maybe he was thinkin ice cream + you = a good very good time!!!!!!!! duh

By nathan5 | 0

#2003579 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:37

Mans got a point, ice cream and sex-can you beat it?

rgermain | 0

#2004149 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 0:26

It'll be a little awkward, but he could.

Proud_vegetarian | 0

#2005381 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 6:35

Maybe cake, ice cream and sex?

ZeeBest86 | 6

#2005485 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 7:22

32-lmao!!!! good one

BlehMcBleh | 0

#2006090 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 10:49

Cake, Ice cream, Sex, and a midget. Who doesn't love midgets?

creamcheese724 | 0

#2006171 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 11:37

midgets are the best

TheOptimist | 0

#2008556 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 9:19

Sports. Or video games. If he's watching/doing either, he wins.

By Doortje | 28

#2003582 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:40

Just say you have something else for him to eat.

nathan5 | 0

#2003617 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:48

She has pizza too?!?!

Shutuptroll | 0

#2005427 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 6:58

You don't need a dirty mind to get it. You're just fucking retarded.

JManHobbs | 0

#2006052 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 10:33

#80 +1

By saleha97 | 4

#2003586 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:43

lmfao, he's right :)

By Becket_nitefire | 0

#2003814 - Monday 24 January 2011 22:53

op should have lick lick licked him like a lollypop.

TheOmen46 | 1

#2005030 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:43

he makes her wanna lick him like a wrapper :)