Miscellaneous: Today, I was walking down the hall from the livingroom. I overheard... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/10/2009 16:09 - United States

Today, I was walking down the hall from the livingroom. I overheard my mom telling someone how proud she was of her baby girl and how much she loved her. I thought she was referring to my first ever all "A" report card. Turns out my new kitten used its litter box correctly for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 996

You deserved it 3 570

Mama's boy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Unreasonable

By mark - 05/03/2012 22:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for our anniversary. Mid-way through the meal, a guy at the table across left for the restroom. My girlfriend reached over and swiped the guy's wallet from the table. My gonads went AWOL, and I couldn't even bring myself to call her out on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 186

You deserved it 29 054

By Anonymous - 27/04/2011 08:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and her mom dropped me off at home. I told my girlfriend that I love her. She said nothing, then her mom blurted out, "I love you too!" and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 243

You deserved it 5 564

Apple juice, motherfucker

By Anonymous - 05/11/2012 17:01 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 718

You deserved it 2 865

No feeling - Just conversation

By Anonymous - 22/11/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I was touching myself under the sheets at 2:00 a.m. when my very drunk dad walked into the room. I was afraid to move my hand for fear of getting caught red-handed, so I had a 30 minute conversation with him with my fingers still inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 197

You deserved it 844

By hitchhiked - 04/01/2012 06:28 - United States

Today, I picked up a hitchhiker. He was well dressed, and seemed trustworthy. As soon as he got in, he pulled out a gun and stole my wallet and car. All of this occurred in front of a sign warning against picking up hitchhikers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 946

You deserved it 85 869

By supercharged - 05/04/2015 18:03 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I came back from a week-long vacation where I had no internet whatsoever. I turned on my phone to get notifications, hoping to see a message or two that I'd missed while gone. There was 1 notification, telling me how many FMLs were posted while I was away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 089

You deserved it 3 323

By chocofreak - 10/05/2009 10:23 - United States

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 168

You deserved it 44 833

By Anonymous - 14/05/2014 15:54 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boyfriend saw my boobs for the first time. His reaction was, "Well that's... disappointing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 421

You deserved it 7 349

By Anonymous - 01/01/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 760

You deserved it 3 470

By Anonymous - 18/07/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, I finished a fence around my house that I have been working on all week. About an hour after I finished, a water company truck pulled into my driveway. They told me they would have to take down my fence to make repairs on a water pipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 176

You deserved it 3 182

Barf

By epicfailureismyl - 05/04/2018 15:00

Today, whilst driving, I had the sudden urge to vomit. As I pulled over I wound my window down, stuck my head out, and emptied my stomach. At least I would have if I had wound down the driver's window instead of the back window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 497

You deserved it 896

By leosmom - 25/11/2018 03:00

Today, I used a glue stick instead of my Carmex lip balm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 920

You deserved it 1 226

By (///▽///) - 18/02/2017 21:00 - United States - Austin

Today, I learned that "prima donna" was not in fact "pre-Madonna" like I'd always thought. My family won't stop laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 559

You deserved it 2 958

By Anonymous - 18/02/2012 00:58 - United States

Today, it's been one week since my demented grandma babysat my five-year-old daughter while my husband took me to a fancy restaurant. Now she's taken to screaming and calling me a "damn commie" whenever I discipline or say no to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 553

You deserved it 5 824

By scooterbyrd - 06/11/2016 06:08

Today, I saw a photo on Facebook of all my best friends from high school together at a 50th birthday party I wasn't invited to. I knew the birthday guy for longer than any of them and introduced everyone in high school. They wouldn't even know him without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 880

You deserved it 1 004

By sayno2mermaids - 04/08/2016 02:08 - United States - Denver

Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 227

You deserved it 3 191

TMI FML

By eugh - 07/05/2021 14:01 - United States - Midlothian

Spicy

Today, I discovered the brand of condoms my parents use. It was in the same grocery bag as my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 665

You deserved it 480

By anonymous - 29/03/2016 22:50 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, while riding my bike in the rain to a counselling appointment about my depression, my shoelace came untied and got caught around my pedal, causing me to go flying off my bike directly in a huge muddy puddle right in front of a busy street of people. No one offered to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 043

You deserved it 1 679

Poor Mickey

By oh, good - 15/09/2019 02:02 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 534

You deserved it 223

By Anonymous - 31/05/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I washed my face and grabbed the towel to dry it, I felt something moving down my forehead, thinking it was a drop of water. Upon looking in the mirror, I found it hadn't been a drop of water. Unless the water drop had legs and was gooey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 446

You deserved it 3 948

By Sarsippius - 18/05/2013 05:22

Today, I took a nap, and I had a dream that my ex-girlfriend got back together with me. I woke up in a great mood. When I went back to bed, I dreamed that she broke up with me, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 580

You deserved it 6 197

By anonymous - 20/02/2014 05:27 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was doing a science presentation about glucose. There was around 20 judges at the event who could've judged me, but instead I got judged by the only person in the whole entire world who doesn't know what glucose is and doesn't think it exists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 139

You deserved it 3 391

By whatisthisidonteven - 23/09/2012 09:23 - Israel - Ramat Gan

Today, I was scheduled for an interview at a local firm owned by two partners. The secretary told me to be there at around 12:00 to 12:30 pm, so I arrived at 12:15. The first boss told me off for being early, the other one yelled at me for being late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 903

You deserved it 2 601

By NoFunForMe - 31/08/2015 16:27 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I saw my ex for the first time since we broke up. We were on a train next to each other for 6 hours, to a festival where our tents were pitched next to each other. We're here for 5 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 363

You deserved it 2 390

By Anonymous - 06/12/2013 16:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I finally watched Toy Story 3; I ended up crying when the toys almost die. After the movie, my girlfriend broke up with me because I embarrassed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 200

You deserved it 12 308

By smith - 28/01/2012 03:13 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife made a joke about the size of my package, so figuring all's fair in love and war, I bought some laxatives to prank her with. They took a lot longer to work than I thought, and I ended up lying in bed, listening to my wife shitting her guts out in the bathroom for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 382

You deserved it 57 711

By Catscratch - 01/09/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and saw a note my roomate posted. As I got close to read it I was attacked by a very pissed off cat. The note said "Left window open last night, stray cat got in. Watch out he isn't friendly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 386

You deserved it 3 237

By NowABlonde - 09/03/2009 16:23 - United States

Today, I decided to lighten my hair. I applied the dye and waited 20 minutes. When I went to wash the dye out, the water wouldn't turn on. After my head started to burn, I called the landlord in a panic. Turns out there was a water main break and the entire city block doesn't have water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 496

You deserved it 5 949

By "96Ellie" - 11/03/2017 14:00

Today, I finally got a product I ordered 2 weeks ago as a free trial/ only pay shipping deal. Also today, the same company took an extra $130 out of my account without authorisation. Best part: when I called to sort things out, they told me they had no record of my order details. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 974

You deserved it 610

By stillshakinggd - 28/11/2012 21:16 - United States

Today, I was mugged at gunpoint by a senior citizen. She now has a lousy $20, and I probably have PTSD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 383

You deserved it 2 704

Eww, roommate from hell

By jill - 10/03/2021 05:01

Today, I discovered that when I sleep, I go to the bathroom to poop and don’t flush the toilet. I live with three roommates who all wake up before I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 685

You deserved it 295

By :| - 25/04/2012 18:46 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I heard my neighbors having a violent argument in their front yard. I listened in, and soon found out why the wife wasn't happy with her husband. Apparently, she had caught her husband peeking through my windows for the second time this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 817

You deserved it 2 365

By great - 20/07/2012 10:20 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, at the bank, my 8-year-old son decided to pull out realistic looking toy gun, and scream "FREEZE! Give me all your money!" The dim-witted bank teller pressed the silent alarm, and I was nearly arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 457

You deserved it 31 203

By Zapped - 17/05/2010 11:09 - United States

Today, I learned that, since getting my tongue ring, it has become imprudent to test 9-volt batteries with my tongue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 846

You deserved it 46 264

A dish best served cold

By Joblessagain - 08/07/2021 18:01

Today, I used one of my ex-coworkers as a reference. She gave a really bad review about me, causing me to miss out on the job opportunity of a lifetime, all because she’s still upset I wore the same dress as her at the company holiday gala 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 260

By JessBaby - 04/05/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother passed away. When I told my boyfriend I began to cry. Instead of caring, he said "you're getting my bed wet," rolled over, and fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 883

You deserved it 6 552

By dammit - 01/02/2012 08:22 - United States

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 260

You deserved it 2 398

By Anonymous - 02/11/2018 12:00

Today, I found out my son has been sneaking out of his room at night to see his girlfriend. He's a fully-grown 23-year-old man with a job and his own car. He doesn't need to sneak out. What an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 471

You deserved it 543

By hendrixisgod86 - 15/05/2015 18:48 - United States - Crestview

Today, some genius shot through a red light, hitting my car and nearly killing me. When I went to ask if he was okay, the first words out of his mouth were "I hope you have insurance". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 053

You deserved it 2 129

By Alex - 16/01/2009 09:40 - United States

Today, I decided to ride my bike to the bus stop to go to school. I wasn't even half way and the last bus had already left. I figured I would loop around instead of going back the way I came and ended up riding 16 miles before I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 918

You deserved it 20 116

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 22:37

So learn to use the litter box and maybe she will love you too.

perdix 29

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 23:07

But when you're 19 and in the 4th grade, it's not very impressive.

Comments

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 22:37

So learn to use the litter box and maybe she will love you too.

chocoLIFE_fml 2

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 23:25

lol

Ajjas013 6

Monday 26 October 2009 0:22

Maybe the cat gets straight A's.

Send a private message

Monday 26 October 2009 0:46

She can't be proud of the cat too?

Send a private message

Monday 26 October 2009 7:25

You're the same person who reenacted The Lion King, aren't you? Except that's just your excuse for killing the at. It wasn't an accident.. It was murder.. =O EDIT: It wasn't supposed to be a reply to this =/

Aldebaran_fml 0

Send a private message

Monday 26 October 2009 22:59

#1 made my day HAHAHAHAHA

Send a private message

Sunday 24 April 2011 19:57

haha. agreed :)

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 22:42

lol #1 poor u :( im sure they're proud anyways :)

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 22:42

haha maybe you should've gotten an A+!!!!!! sux2bu

jw90 18

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 22:46

sorry Op animals usually get priority over humans.

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 22:59

taco.

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 23:30

Tacos are made of cats. you know that, right?

perdix 29

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 23:07

But when you're 19 and in the 4th grade, it's not very impressive.

Sun_Kissed18 25

Send a private message

Monday 26 October 2009 1:27

True true, then its just sad

TenebrificTurtle 0

Send a private message

Monday 26 October 2009 13:09

I like how you spelled out "I KILLZ KITTY LION KINGZ STYLE" in macaroni art. But don't be offended when the cops don't put it on the fridge when they take you away for animal slaughter. By the way finger painting in blood is not cool.

perdix 29

Send a private message

Monday 26 October 2009 18:09

Good one, double T!

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 23:15

Stop hating the kitten. We all noticed you are very envious of its feline capabilities.

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 23:17

Well, you were an accident. The cat was wanted.=/

Nakedsquirrel 5

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 23:17

Why would someone profess their love for their child over a report card? Cats on the other hand are different and it warmed the cockles of my heart to see one of my kitties making a huge mess by scattering styrofoam packing peanuts all over the floor. Bless his little heart! That said, it doesn't warm the cockles of my heart when one of them barfs at the top of the stairs (favorite spot to puke, too.)

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 23:29

Cockles? Lol I'm gonna use that word..

Ohnothingreally 0

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 23:45

Crazy cat lady?

Nakedsquirrel 5

Send a private message

Monday 26 October 2009 1:08

lol nah, I just think my two useless destructive balls of fur are adorable. My sister pointed something out a while back- notice how in most cases, the only people that think their pets are cute are their owners, especially when it comes to dogs? Also, cockles is a great word.

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2009 23:35

You just wish you were as fluffy as the kitten, with your seaweed hair and all.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 524

You deserved it 71

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 283