Intimacy: Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs....

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44513

You deserved it

11221

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Intimacy

Understandable

Recycling helps

The X Factor

By S4L - France

Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50697

You deserved it

23334

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By Superdumb

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about sex and I asked him if he had ever finished inside a woman. He looked directly into my eyes and said, "Babe... I have a son, remember?" Yeah, I forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1671

You deserved it

4889

Favorite

By prostate - United States

Today, I got prostate examination for the first time. Now I can't decide what's worse, the fact that I got a boner when the doc inserted his finger, or the fact that my wife told the story to pretty much everybody we know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73123

You deserved it

7016

Favorite

By wow - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that I wasn't really allergic to chocolate. My parents made it up when I was a child because they didn't want me to get fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42845

You deserved it

4430

Favorite

By JinsNeck.exe - 19/1/2021 19:02 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Toodles

Today, after knowing my friendship group for 9 years, who were like my family, I found out that they actually hate me and have been trying to get me to go away for 5 years. When I left, they laughed at me, argued with me and their exact last words were, "K bye" and then kicked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

829

You deserved it

113

Favorite

By Oblivious - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

I agree, your life sucks

155554

You deserved it

16178

Favorite

By mylifesucks - Netherlands

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

I agree, your life sucks

123104

You deserved it

7000

Favorite

By notgay - United States - Alfred

Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12503

You deserved it

38858

Favorite

By tramplily - United States

Today, I was driving home and got a phone call from my mom. She called to tell me that there was a cop at the bottom of our hill, and to be careful. I got a ticket for talking on my cell phone while driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15594

You deserved it

30375

Favorite

By rejected - United States

Today, my friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club. I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself. Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What are you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27116

You deserved it

79146

Favorite

By Ouch - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate and planning on having sex for the first time. I picked her up off the couch, and in so doing, accidentally lifted her too high, putting her head through the ceiling. She had a mild concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41616

You deserved it

20587

Favorite

By SleeplessinNJ - 10/12/2020 05:01 - United States - Raritan

Bad Moon Rising

Today, one of my fiancé's groomsmen is an alcoholic, and my fiance is in denial about it. He's a nice guy when sober, but belligerent, disrespectful and out of control when drinking. My fiancé refuses to acknowledge my anxiety at having him in our wedding with an open bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

787

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34644

You deserved it

3193

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By undanya__four - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my boyfriend told me he's prepared to commit to marriage, but only if I buy my own ring and tell everyone he surprised me with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33061

You deserved it

3673

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my mother posted a video of me giving birth, on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61028

You deserved it

4480

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I was involved in a 5-way conversation about the movie Inception. I nodded and agreed with things that were said, but couldn't admit that despite having seen it 4 times, I still haven't the foggiest idea of how to explain what it's about. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9564

You deserved it

21562

Favorite

By Charles - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer browsing various websites. In my attempt to scoot the chair forward, I hit my knee against the desk that my computer was on, and ended up breaking it. I literally broke my knee sitting on my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33448

You deserved it

8252

Favorite

By HazzaBoo - United States

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25555

You deserved it

2950

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By toomuchmetal - United States

Today, I was in line at a checkout. I have quite a few facial piercings and 1/2" gauges in my ears. The very heavy cashier asks how big my gauges are and then starts telling me about how she recently got her clitoris pierced and how sometimes she has orgasms behind the register. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73948

You deserved it

13619

Favorite

By FuckPollen - United Kingdom - Hartlepool

Today, I attended a work interview. My hay fever has been flaring up during the hot weather, causing my throat to swell up and make me short of breath, which I explained. The woman interviewing me told me I was unsuccessful, as customers wouldn't be able to understand someone with my 'disability'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24813

You deserved it

1887

Favorite

By mandy - United States

Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73121

You deserved it

3540

Favorite

By deerslayer559

Today, while playing golf, I hit my ball near some tall grass along the edge of the water. Unbeknownst to me, there was an alligator hiding in the grass. He growled at me during my shot, causing me to put the ball directly into the pond. Alligator: 1 Me: 0. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2633

You deserved it

394

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By Backtoschool

Today, while preparing to move into my dorm, I received two e-mails from the campus police. The first stated that there had been 76 overdoses from a synthetic drug reported around campus this week and the second said there had been a stabbing on campus this morning. Happy back to school to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2119

You deserved it

143

Favorite

By Celina - United States

Today, I have -$700 in my current account, $500 from overdraft fees because I spent money they told me I had. I don't get paid till the 15th and when I cash in my paycheck all of it will go to bringing me even. So the $9 I found in my wallet this morning will have to last me untill the 30th. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28679

You deserved it

5320

Favorite

By whatthewhat? - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't trust her after cheating on me with 3 guys. Our friends are sad about it so they're throwing her a pity party. Now I'm single and I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40793

You deserved it

3513

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By Anonymous - United States - Granger

Today, I got together a surprise party for my mom's birthday. I invited all her friends and her douchebag boyfriend who I don't get along with. When my mom got home, he took credit and got her friends to back him up with bribing. My mom said I'm selfish and horrible for not trying for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25125

You deserved it

1516

Favorite

By ........................... - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I helped my buddy write a sweet love letter to his girlfriend. After reading it, she dumped him for being an "Edward Cullen wannabe", and when my girlfriend found out, she dumped me for "cheating" on her by writing the letter in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52743

You deserved it

6113

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By V - United States

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Beautiful, smart, academic, charming, a true gentlemen, totally my type. I am at a bar voted "the best gay bar in the world". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30755

You deserved it

18076

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By mandy - United States

Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

137309

You deserved it

33261

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Sandy

Today, I got into an argument with my mom over her sexist, emotionally-abusive boyfriend. I told her that either he goes or I go. She called me a disrespectful bastard for not respecting my "new father." I'm now sitting outside a McDonald's with my suitcase, leeching their WiFi. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38604

You deserved it

2892

Favorite

By twintowers - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50234

You deserved it

23156

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, it was the first day after my promotion. Everyone, including myself, was shocked that I was promoted so quickly. I figured it was because of all the hard work and overtime I'd put in. However, my coworkers figure I'm just sleeping with the boss, and constantly glare and snicker behind my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1817

You deserved it

158

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I returned home after a three-week trip to Jamaica. When I opened the door to my room, I was greeted by a swarm of bees and their enormous nest, which was attached to my doorknob. Apparently, I'd forgotten to close the window properly before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28461

You deserved it

18453

Favorite

By Anonymous

#notyourmaid

Today, at work, someone shat outside the bathroom door. Not outside the stall, but in the actual hallway. Guess who got fired for refusing to clean it up! I’m a cashier at a tool supply company and the only female employee. Four dudes refused before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5411

You deserved it

343

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 05:00

High on emotion

Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1311

You deserved it

118

Favorite

By thinking of military school

Today, I drug tested my son for weed. He purposely filled the cup up to the top out of spite and I got piss all over my hands. Oh, and he failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11378

You deserved it

3574

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29834

You deserved it

6004

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48021

You deserved it

15110

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By Emcee - Philippines

Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I'm hosting an event. When I got on stage, I stared at the audience for a good 5 seconds, then I fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50550

You deserved it

6151

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By babybreath - United States

Today, I was babysitting my baby cousin. I was lying on my back playing with her, while holding her up in the air. As I was doing that, I made cooing noises and funny faces to get her to laugh. She laughed and threw up in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47007

You deserved it

10147

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Top comments

By seppi24 | 1

#3397803 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:49

say His ex Sent you a Picture of His Penis and thats Why you laughed

By Blacksxe | 1

#3397789 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:48

Just say you're laughing at the fact your roommate is jealous of your size.

COMMENTS

By jillianmathers12 | 13

#3397764 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:45

Lol you deserved it! Just tell him that you got a text that made you laugh!

bnvc | 0

#3397768 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:46

bnvc | 0

#3397793 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:48

Golly.

alliewillie | 22

#3397795 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:48

This^

Lanceeden | 12

#3397868 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:56

Or that you saw a picture of his.

echogekko | 7

#3397909 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:02

I asked my girlfriend for a naughty picture and all she sent to my phone was her middle finger, that made me laugh.

stacianichole | 2

#3397915 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:03

Right.

Lanceeden | 12

#3397918 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:03

#16 cool story bro

enonymous | 8

#3397922 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:03

Every small penis needs love... Especially mine

aruam365 | 24

#3397932 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:05

say to him "No, it's so big every time I see it I laugh with joy. And so does your mom!"

iBanana | 17

#3397981 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:11

I would have showed him my penis with his partners named signed on it.. Unless it was a guy.

gojira666 | 7

#3398066 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:30

The "he" part kinda makes me think it was a guy.....

crazy_whitechick | 6

#3398166 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:57

32- I'm pretty sure he was talking bout his roommates partner...

angrymexican | 8

#3398221 - Friday 7 October 2011 0:08

Who texts on the can?

jillianmathers12 | 13

#3398299 - Friday 7 October 2011 0:32

Idk its better than reading FML'S on the can!

beckybecks20 | 8

#3398319 - Friday 7 October 2011 0:44

Wow, OP. XD

DatWhiteGuy | 0

#3398807 - Friday 7 October 2011 2:45

Fuck yeah.

flakitaa22 | 0

#3398818 - Friday 7 October 2011 2:46

He funny thing is, I read this while on the toilet. (x

skatepunk96 | 0

#3398830 - Friday 7 October 2011 2:49

I read fml's in the bathroom too most of the time.

krakadilian | 0

#3398834 - Friday 7 October 2011 2:49

Fuck you.

DerekBlaskie | 6

#3399005 - Friday 7 October 2011 3:26

Wow I now feel sry for the room mate. Ha!

SirMoose | 0

#3399464 - Friday 7 October 2011 5:44

Why does he deserve it?

Altosax | 4

#3399494 - Friday 7 October 2011 5:57

In my opinion, it was a pretty week joke, so maybe it's not all that bad for OP.

MJJ5809 | 9

#3400132 - Friday 7 October 2011 9:25

ROFL

MJJ5809 | 9

#3400144 - Friday 7 October 2011 9:27

Haha yeah thay was!

Miss_Blaine | 18

#3400551 - Friday 7 October 2011 12:40

Please stop being mean! My bfs penis is small! Who cares! I still love him :)

ChrisTheCalm | 9

#3400646 - Friday 7 October 2011 13:25

I'm laughing cuz that comment means his roomate had to see his penis which is very very gay. Fail.

SirMoose | 0

#3403645 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:47

Why is this thumbed down?

DerekBlaskie | 6

#3451287 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 17:48

I don't think you guys understood my comment above.. Let me rephrase.

I now feel sry for the room mate because he basically just informed everyone he was starring at your penis.. This fml never states that the room mate explained the whole story to each person he told..