Intimacy: Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs....

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44522

You deserved it

11227

Favorite

Intimacy

And today, on Dr Phil…

There's no helping some people

Kitten time

By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32378

You deserved it

7162

Favorite

By poo4brains - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32969

You deserved it

3597

Favorite

By no one - 2/6/2020 14:00

Crucial information

Today, I was at work at McDonald's, at the front counter when an elderly lady came up to me and whispered, "I just shit everywhere in your restroom," then turned around and walked out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1652

You deserved it

108

Favorite

By scumbag i guess - United States - El Paso

Today, I went out to a club, hoping to score. I'd read about a trick pickup artists use called "negging" and decided to try it out. As I finished complimenting a girl for being brave enough to have not made much of an effort with her makeup, she slammed her knee between my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5883

You deserved it

53153

Favorite

By traumatized house keeper - Germany - M?nster

What a jerk!

Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4354

You deserved it

385

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Happy Birthday

Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28634

You deserved it

2468

Favorite

By rawrrrr - United States

Awkward

Today, after a fire alarm went off, everyone was going back into the building. I had never gone up the stairs before because I live on the 9th floor. As everybody was going back inside, I followed some guys right into their suite on the 1st floor, thinking it was the way to the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10935

You deserved it

29377

Favorite

By neighbor - Australia - Mosman

Today, I was helping my elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her kitchen. When I finished, she sighed and said, "You're such a sweet girl. It's just a shame about your face." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51799

You deserved it

4001

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Milton

Today, I woke up at 4am needing a piss, only to walk in on my fuckstick brother combing his pubes with our mom's toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35077

You deserved it

2650

Favorite

By 90 up I-95 - United States - State College

Today, I was wrapping up my move in a 16-foot truck with my car in tow. Google rerouted me to avoid traffic... through a state park. The road had only one lane. I can still hear the phalanx of cars honking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4397

You deserved it

825

Favorite

By danskinnow - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13079

You deserved it

34603

Favorite

By Casper - United States

Today, a flight attendant asked me if I was airsick because I looked really pale. I told her that was my normal complexion but thanked her for her concern. She insisted "No, that can't be normal." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42076

You deserved it

2868

Favorite

By doubleCoupon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend excitedly told me about the number of guys who are romantically interested in her. I realized how pathetic my life is when all I could talk about in turn was the number of coupons I got to use today at the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45451

You deserved it

5546

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29352

You deserved it

8561

Favorite

By cassiebee - United States - Morgan

Today, at work I was trying to be nice and give a customer a discount because she was having trouble finding money to pay for her food. Everybody behind her then demanded a discount as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15080

You deserved it

29184

Favorite

By IVOaf - United States

Today, as I tried to get out of bed, I got my foot tangled in my sheets. I reached out to my dresser to avoid falling flat on my face. I didn't fall, but I did manage to smash my fingers in the drawer while still trapped in the sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40494

You deserved it

4843

Favorite

By Cheapo

Today, I gave my friend a $5 VR set that I purchased from the dollar store for Christmas. I received a $60 gift card. Later, I realized I left the receipt in the package. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1423

You deserved it

6067

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was turned down for a job as a cashier at Best Buy. I worked like hell to get into and then graduate from one of the top Telecommunication schools in the country. I spent all my time with extracurriculars to help my resume instead of partying like my friends. I can't even be a cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36301

You deserved it

4257

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she's been avoiding kissing me lately. Apparently she had a dream that one of my teeth caught on her braces, and all of her teeth got pulled out like a string of pearls. It seems unlikely she will be un-scarred any time soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23583

You deserved it

1708

Favorite

By Rai - Canada

Today, I got up extra early to curl my hair because I wanted to look nice at school for a change. After coming downstairs my mom yells at me and says, "See, when you don't wake up on time your hair looks like that. You could have atleast combed it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

69784

You deserved it

5978

Favorite

By notthatkinkyanyway - China

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend. Going through Chinese customs, an officer pulled us aside, removed a suspicious metal object from my boyfriend's luggage and called six other officers to have a look. It was a kinky pair of handcuffs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29464

You deserved it

6357

Favorite

By Madi Jenna - United States

Today, is the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39159

You deserved it

5831

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27123

You deserved it

9351

Favorite

By Kelly

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2269

You deserved it

135

Favorite

By greg

Today, my mother sued me for whiplash in a car accident that was her fault. She screamed to stop so I slammed on the brakes and the car behind ran into us. It wasn't an emergency; she just thought she saw her friend at the bus stop. It wasn't even her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5407

You deserved it

372

Favorite

By badjob - United States

Today, I called the company with whom I had a job interview last week, which I thought went great, but hadn't heard back from. One of the interviewers claimed that I tried to grope her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36160

You deserved it

3065

Favorite

By the boogieman mom

Today, I found out that eating too much cheese really can cause nightmares. I had a cheese sandwich before bed and woke up later to the nightmarish sight of my mother-in-law standing over me with a suitcase. She had a big argument with her husband and wants to stay with us for a few weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2674

You deserved it

245

Favorite

By why god - United States - Huntington Park

Today, my parents kicked me out of the house because they were having a party. They gave me twenty bucks to go see a movie. Well, the movie ended pretty quick, but the trauma of seeing my parents in a swingers' orgy will take some time getting over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74782

You deserved it

6314

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I saw this cute girl at a bar and decided to go and chat her up. After charming her with my usual crap for a while, I told her she was really pretty and asked for her number. She replied "You asshole, I met you here a year ago and gave you my number, and you never called me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

11160

You deserved it

123732

Favorite

By Daughter of the year - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, while discussing my grades with my mother, she told me that when she was my age she was dumb but hardworking, and my dad was lazy but very smart. She then added, "You managed to get the worst out of each of us." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31718

You deserved it

3716

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Red Oak

Today, as I was opening the door for my boyfriend, I pressed my boobs against the glass to make him laugh. I didn't see his dad standing just behind him at first, but he certainly saw me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35309

You deserved it

10860

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36231

You deserved it

4462

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mother yet again went on a long rant about how much of a loser I am as I have "never had boyfriend" and I'm 26. Truth is, I've been in the same relationship for over five years but it "doesn't count because he's black." FML

I agree, your life sucks

66696

You deserved it

7303

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my new job at a small business. I was pretty excited to finally be working, until I found out the big boss is a creeper and sees no problem making comments such as "You're way more interesting than the rest of these slope-eyed fucks." FML

I agree, your life sucks

20776

You deserved it

1655

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 06:55 - United Kingdom

I need it

Today, my husband and I have such busy careers, we have to schedule sex for when we’re both at home and hopefully not too tired, otherwise we’d never have sex at all. The last time we had sex was on my birthday, in April, and our next appointment is mid September. I really miss sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1664

You deserved it

521

Favorite

By awkward - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "uh-huh," "not too bad," and "yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71968

You deserved it

7228

Favorite

By "Mom2grls808" - United States

Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month old on the floor (carpeted) in the livingroom. when I woke up my daughter bombed her diaper her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen....FML

I agree, your life sucks

2109

You deserved it

478

Favorite

By Dummy - United States

Creepy

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32561

You deserved it

15998

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Brunswick

Today, I went to my new dentist to get my teeth cleaned. He kept getting distracted, causing him to repeatedly stab me in the gums. He then had the nerve to tell me that I need to brush more, due to how I was bleeding just from his "routine examination". FML

I agree, your life sucks

21067

You deserved it

1710

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was leaving on a long business trip to Germany. As he's leaving, my daughter starts crying. 'Dont leave me with her !' she says. 'Take me with you !' FML

I agree, your life sucks

53729

You deserved it

8895

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By seppi24 | 1

#3397803 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:49

say His ex Sent you a Picture of His Penis and thats Why you laughed

By Blacksxe | 1

#3397789 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:48

Just say you're laughing at the fact your roommate is jealous of your size.

COMMENTS

By jillianmathers12 | 13

#3397764 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:45

Lol you deserved it! Just tell him that you got a text that made you laugh!

bnvc | 0

#3397768 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:46

bnvc | 0

#3397793 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:48

Golly.

alliewillie | 22

#3397795 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:48

This^

Lanceeden | 12

#3397868 - Thursday 6 October 2011 22:56

Or that you saw a picture of his.

echogekko | 7

#3397909 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:02

I asked my girlfriend for a naughty picture and all she sent to my phone was her middle finger, that made me laugh.

stacianichole | 2

#3397915 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:03

Right.

Lanceeden | 12

#3397918 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:03

#16 cool story bro

enonymous | 8

#3397922 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:03

Every small penis needs love... Especially mine

aruam365 | 24

#3397932 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:05

say to him "No, it's so big every time I see it I laugh with joy. And so does your mom!"

iBanana | 17

#3397981 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:11

I would have showed him my penis with his partners named signed on it.. Unless it was a guy.

gojira666 | 7

#3398066 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:30

The "he" part kinda makes me think it was a guy.....

crazy_whitechick | 6

#3398166 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:57

32- I'm pretty sure he was talking bout his roommates partner...

angrymexican | 8

#3398221 - Friday 7 October 2011 0:08

Who texts on the can?

jillianmathers12 | 13

#3398299 - Friday 7 October 2011 0:32

Idk its better than reading FML'S on the can!

beckybecks20 | 8

#3398319 - Friday 7 October 2011 0:44

Wow, OP. XD

DatWhiteGuy | 0

#3398807 - Friday 7 October 2011 2:45

Fuck yeah.

flakitaa22 | 0

#3398818 - Friday 7 October 2011 2:46

He funny thing is, I read this while on the toilet. (x

skatepunk96 | 0

#3398830 - Friday 7 October 2011 2:49

I read fml's in the bathroom too most of the time.

krakadilian | 0

#3398834 - Friday 7 October 2011 2:49

Fuck you.

DerekBlaskie | 6

#3399005 - Friday 7 October 2011 3:26

Wow I now feel sry for the room mate. Ha!

SirMoose | 0

#3399464 - Friday 7 October 2011 5:44

Why does he deserve it?

Altosax | 4

#3399494 - Friday 7 October 2011 5:57

In my opinion, it was a pretty week joke, so maybe it's not all that bad for OP.

MJJ5809 | 9

#3400132 - Friday 7 October 2011 9:25

ROFL

MJJ5809 | 9

#3400144 - Friday 7 October 2011 9:27

Haha yeah thay was!

Miss_Blaine | 18

#3400551 - Friday 7 October 2011 12:40

Please stop being mean! My bfs penis is small! Who cares! I still love him :)

ChrisTheCalm | 9

#3400646 - Friday 7 October 2011 13:25

I'm laughing cuz that comment means his roomate had to see his penis which is very very gay. Fail.

SirMoose | 0

#3403645 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:47

Why is this thumbed down?

DerekBlaskie | 6

#3451287 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 17:48

I don't think you guys understood my comment above.. Let me rephrase.

I now feel sry for the room mate because he basically just informed everyone he was starring at your penis.. This fml never states that the room mate explained the whole story to each person he told..