Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays... - FML

By kikinemo - 16/1/2010 21:05 - United States

Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays guitar and sings very well, has dark hair, and wears girl pants. After telling her these things, she's quiet for a moment before she looks at me and says, "So... You're dating a Jonas brother?" FML

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Dangling modifier

DINOSAURS!!

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 17/2/2015 17:42

Today, I've been freezing in my office for days at work. When I finally complained about it to a coworker, she led me into my office, said, "Let me show you something," then pointed out the thermostat I'd never noticed was even there and turned it up with a pitying look. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2014 20:22 - Spain - Valencia

Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML

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By taurus05 - 14/11/2009 03:02 - United States

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

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By Crap - 30/7/2015 00:57 - United States - Seminole

Today, I had horrible diarrhea at work. When I felt the bubbling, I ran to the bathroom. An agonizing bowel movement later, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. Just as I was about to ask a coworker who was in the bathroom for some, the fire alarm went off. FML

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By naladetet - 23/11/2014 08:31 - United States - Newark

Today, I accidentally called my boss 'mom'. Now she is jokingly telling everyone that I'm the long-lost daughter she gave up for adoption, because she knew I'd be a failure. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2011 14:05 - United Kingdom

Today, the only thing that managed to get me out of bed was scrambling to watch my neighbours have a screaming match in the middle of our street about which one of their brain-dead kids spray-painted "CUNT FLAPS" and a rudimentary knob on the communal garage door. FML

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By TiredMum - 16/10/2013 13:33 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML

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By Disappointed - 4/10/2014 03:08

Today, my teenage daughter asked me to buy her the morning after pill, saying "It's for my acne." FML

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By Kay - 20/10/2016 10:37

Today, at the register, I got a spontaneous nose bleed. The lady behind the counter apparently didn't do well with blood. Her face turned white, she passed out and fell with her head on the counter. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 05:00

Happy Birthday!

Today, I turned 37. My acne turned 24, my eating disorder 22, my chronic digestive issues 35 and my insomnia 16. My boobs, on the other hand, look like they just turned 60. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2014 22:10 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out my wife named our son after her ex-lover. FML

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By batsu - 27/1/2012 06:48 - Canada

Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2009 13:06 - Canada

Today, I was selected to give my speech to the entire school. I was later told it had to be censored because it was inappropriate, even though I was just trying to make a point. My speech was on political correctness. My speech on political correctness was censored for political reasons. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 04:43 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML

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By Unknown - 15/11/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight this shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow and I tugged to hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML

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By RickTooBomb - 5/10/2016 15:23 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 17:05 - United States

Today, another "gentleman" called and asked for my "services". This is happening a lot lately, because apparently I have the old number of a prostitute. I told him I'm not who he's looking for, to which he replied that I sound like a "sexy lady" and that he wanted to have some fun. FML

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By played - 21/6/2011 05:07 - Norway

Today, the girl I've been dating for several months, and fallen in love with, said "We're just friends, right? My mom thinks I'm leading you on." FML

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By automotive glass tech - 21/1/2016 18:09 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while I was working replacing a windshield, some jerk off hit my truck. A truck carrying 2 grand in glass. Including the windshield I was about to install. The driver gets out and says, "Sorry man, I had to text my girlfriend." FML

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By Pouya - 18/12/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML

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By Unlucky. - 16/10/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I took my parking permit off my car to debate a ticket that I got for not having my permit displayed. Twenty minutes later, when I got back to my car, I had another ticket on my window for not having my parking permit displayed because I was using it to disprove the first ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2010 23:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. When I got home from work, I came home to glitter. EVERYWHERE. Guess who forgot to get the key to his apartment back from his ex-girlfriend. The guy who's having his family over for dinner tonight. FML

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By checkthelabel - 26/4/2016 00:00 - United States - Fremont

Today, I had a throbbing cluster headache. It didn't help matters when an angry customer yelled at me because a dress was "defective." Why was it defective? It didn't fit her. Why didn't it fit her? It was the wrong size. FML

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By imgoingtofreakout - 26/12/2017 19:00

Today, my Christmas present from my boyfriend was chlamydia. FML

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By scaredofcutouts - 10/10/2012 21:44 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to place a cardboard cut-out of a person at the foot of my bed. I woke up, saw the cut-out from the corner of my eye, fell out of bed, landed on my hand wrong, and broke two fingers. She got it all on video. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2010 08:30 - United States

Today, I'm having a nice evening out on the town. After my complimentary round of drinks for my birthday, my friend walks in with a big pink gift-box. It was an inflatable... erm... 'friend.' Which then got unwrapped in front of several of my other friends. And several members of my family. FML

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By badbestfriend - 4/8/2009 16:15 - United States

Today, I took my best friend out for a night in town, after he got dumped by his girlfriend recently. As we were walking around, we passed a group of hot women, a couple who were checking him out. Trying to be encouraging, I said "He's single!" and winked. One of the girls was his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By icanteven - 12/9/2013 01:12 - United States - Florence

Today, one of my employees called in after his 8-hour shift, explaining that he had bed bugs at home, found one on his shirt, and thinks they are in the store. I own a mattress shop. They'd spread. FML

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By drunkdial - 6/1/2010 05:53 - France

Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML

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By dreadedmafia86 - 12/3/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I was upset after my boyfriend and I broke up. My best friend heard and told me she would be right over. Three hours of waiting later she stumbles in wasted. She had been at the bar, with my ex, making sure he was okay. For me, I just got a list of all the drinks she had that night. FML

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By Ah piss - 15/9/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, my roommate let me know he "bumped" another car with mine. What he really meant was that I need a new rear quarter panel and the very angry BMW driver he hit has all of my information. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2015 19:02 - United States - Lemont

Today, my mom's obsession with cleanliness hit a new low when she bitched at me for having trash in my trash can. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2014 00:34 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I started my job as a driving instructor. My first client showed up piss drunk. FML

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By MrRadin - 4/12/2015 05:31 - France

Today, my roommate thought of a new idea for our household. According to him, we should take dumps at work as often as we can, that way, "we'll save on toilet paper at home." FML

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By MommaAnnie - 2/5/2013 15:59 - United States - Overland Park

Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML

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By Pizzaguy - 2/8/2012 16:22 - United States - Dundee

Today, I got a call from my manager saying that I won't need to work this weekend. Too bad I already cancelled a family vacation because he threatened to fire me if I didn't work this weekend. FML

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By doilookold - 7/12/2018 05:00

Today, stopping at a rest plaza, the cashier at Wendy’s asked my best friend if I was her mom. We are only two years apart. FML

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By whymegirl - 22/7/2012 04:24 - United States - Worcester

Today, my cousin is coming home after his honeymoon. His gift to his new wife was a puppy, which I said I would take care of while they went away. I sneezed last week and scared the puppy. She ran off. This was ten days ago, and I still haven't found the dog. FML

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By I need cuddles - 26/8/2019 20:00

Today, I realized that the only time my boyfriend is physically affectionate with me is when he wants to have sex. When I suggested we just cuddle, he looked at me and said, "What’s the point in that?" FML

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By Fcuked - 23/3/2011 04:40 - New Zealand

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him 'meow' over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

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Top comments

By silentfog | 0

#778658 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:10

your cousin ftw

By shadow455 | 2

#779419 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:44

but isnt that what were all aiming for to get in girls pants

COMMENTS

By silentfog | 0

#778658 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:10

your cousin ftw

Reply

mysterystar | 0

#778771 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:39

... EMO FTW .
So what if he wears skinny jeans, I wear them too .
Why do people make a big deal about it?. Not everyone wears their clothes the same as you so stfu because not everyone has to wear/like stuff the way you do .
-Aniketos wuz here .
(HeartBreaker) .

Reply

cmp2_fml | 0

#778817 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:54

hahahaha from a guy named mysterystar .......someones trying to come out of the closet!

Reply

loto_fml | 3

#779114 - Sunday 17 January 2010 5:49

What if you don't want to be a girl, but a cross-dresser?

Reply

Freeze_fml | 16

#779403 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:34

Girl pants on boy.

DO NOT WANT.

Reply

shadow455 | 2

#779419 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:44

but isnt that what were all aiming for to get in girls pants

Reply

Firefighter343 | 0

#780056 - Sunday 17 January 2010 18:15

Skinny jeans does funny things to your testicles boys and girls.

By anonymous45610 | 0

#778668 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:13

that's so funny!!!

By coolcat33 | 0

#778670 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:13

your an idiot. guys who where girls pants are fags.!!

By SHAAAAAARK | 1

#778672 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:13

YDI for dating a fag.

By Rheos | 0

#778673 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:14

A guy, that wears girl pants... Are you sure he's not gay? Rofl YDI

Reply

dnlphm94 | 0

#778991 - Sunday 17 January 2010 3:43

For some reason, a lot of girls at my school are attracted to guys who wear skinny jeans. It's actually quite depressing >_>

Reply

Klu_Klayu | 0

#779871 - Sunday 17 January 2010 16:24

Again, agreeing with earlier comments, there is a difference between "skinny jeans" and "girl pants" they do make skinny jeans for boys

By thelifeline | 0

#778677 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:15

well guys where i live wear girl pants too, there tighter. whatever. And this could so be an mlia.

Reply

janise | 2

#779190 - Sunday 17 January 2010 7:04

It does make it tighter but it also emphasizes the fact that most guys who wear skinny jeans are lacking in certain departments.

Reply

CanYouDecodeMe | 0

#779723 - Sunday 17 January 2010 14:52

I thought this was more of a MLIA too.

By YoungE | 0

#778680 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:15

this is an fml b/c.....?

Reply

warriormg12 | 4

#778691 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:17

because she just found out shes dating a fag

Reply

iEmmiChan | 0

#778848 - Sunday 17 January 2010 2:12

cause who wants their boyfriend to look like a Jonas Brother ewwww xD

Reply

AliceStrange | 0

#778969 - Sunday 17 January 2010 3:22

Because her life is, like, totally over now.

By Crickets | 0

#778681 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:15

How is this an fml?

By MoonyIce | 0

#778682 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:15

Oh noes, FYL.

How the hell does this inane crap get through?

By Pendygod | 0

#778695 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:18

Epic win........