Today, I brought my boyfriend over to meet the family. After...

By octoberrain - 10/10/2011 23:16 - United States

Today, I brought my boyfriend over to meet the family. After several long moments of silence, one of my sisters burst out laughing, and asked, "Okay, who is this guy really?" FML

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Love

Hello everyone!

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Healthy relationship

By Uh-oh - 10/11/2009 12:33 - Australia

Today, I decided to come clean with my daughter about her adoptive status within my family. Just after I told her she was adopted, I realized that I have been telling her stories about me giving birth to her. FML

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By burned_away - 19/8/2009 18:10 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room I heard him call out, "see you soon beautiful." Touched, I went to give him a parting kiss. He stopped me and said, "I was talking to the cat." FML

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By fml - 29/7/2012 12:20 - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

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By LETMEOUT! - 18/9/2017 04:30

Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML

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By bill - 24/10/2012 11:14 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I saw a man lying face down in a field and thinking he was injured, I ran over to help. As soon as I got to him, I realized he was completely naked. He stood up and chased after me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 05:52 - United States

Today, after work, I came home to my boyfriend sleeping on the couch. Feeling romantic, I started to undo his pants. My reward was him waking up and kneeing me in the eye. FML

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By Airplane crap - 21/10/2014 20:13 - United States - Leavenworth

Today, I got stuck on an airplane for a while before takeoff. Someone decided it was a great time to get diarrhea while on the toilet, and we couldn't take off for safety reasons. FML

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By morgan_love11 - 5/6/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, I found out my sister has a nickname for me due to my recent breakouts. It's "volcano face". FML

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By Jared - 1/1/2009 08:49 - France

Today, and for the last 8 months my upstairs neighbours have been making a tremendous noise. I finally decided to go up to complain: "The amount of noise you make is unbelievable ! It sounds like you're driving tractors up here!". The woman replies: "My husband is paraplegic..." FML

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By BrokenHearted - 4/7/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years who had taken a job in a new city last month came into town and told me that she had slept with a co-worker last Friday. Last Friday I was incredibly lonely but I turned down a very attractive woman because I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. FML

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By Dansonn - 17/3/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson." I'm Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker. FML

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By Sam - 20/6/2010 13:18 - France

Today, I learned that in my family, 'Father's Day' is more like 'Father's drunken, piss on a plant in the kitchen during breakfast, order you to scrub in between his toes with your toothbrush Day.' FML

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By vagina dentata for christmas, pls - 25/1/2013 18:51 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my new boyfriend, and he took me back to his house for the first time. Taped to his bedroom door was a sheet of paper emblazoned with the words: "THE RAPE DUNGEON". I feel safer already. FML

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By thatsjustgreat - 25/1/2009 00:27 - United States

Today, I was trying to be-friend a boy who was sitting alone. He had his gameboy nearly plastered to his eyes. I, cleverly, say to him, "Geeze don't put that thing so close, your eyes will fall out!" He took off his sunglasses, eyes going crooked, and said, "I'm legally blind." Insert foot here. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2016 00:56 - Canada - Concord

Today, I fell off the top of my bunk bed in my sleep onto a running fan. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 16:02

Once you see it…

Today, it was brought to my attention that my dog has a giant anus. I'd never noticed. Now I can't stop staring at his silver dollar-sized backdoor. FML

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By SimpleSimon - 1/7/2009 00:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2012 13:49 - United States

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML

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By silkytaco - 17/2/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML

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By Dumped and pregnant - 1/5/2018 05:00

Today, my ex dumped me for his ex that cheated on him. Today, I also found out I am pregnant. When I told him he said, "I’m really happy for you. I hope it all works out." FML

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By boned - 27/1/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I checked my university financial account to discover I owed them over $1000. The reason? They had apparently given me too much money when I applied for a loan and now want it back. Oh, and I spent my loan money on books and a laptop for school. FML

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By Jello - 26/2/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I went to have dessert with my boyfriend. We ordered some Jello. I said that I loved Jello because it is so fun and jiggly. My boyfriend said, "Like you. Except the fun part". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 15:58 - United States

Today, I am a 22 year old male with a 11:00 pm curfew. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 09:59 - Russian Federation - Lipetsk

Today, I was back home from work drinking coffee when I heard someone open the door with a key. It was my boyfriend, who obviously didn't expect to see me home. We don't live together, and I never gave him a key. FML

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By not_dead_yet - 28/6/2009 07:54 - United States

Today, it was my first big time art show. To celebrate I went out to lunch with some people who's work was also there. When we got back police were every where. Someone had broken and stolen all of the art. All except mine. Even burglars don't want my art. FML

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By Rotarius - 23/8/2012 18:09 - Canada - Toronto

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

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By WildShortstop13 - 28/1/2015 22:20 - United States - Rapid City

Today, I fell asleep curling my bangs. I now look like Mrs. Potato head. FML

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By cdubb27 - 11/10/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a foul smell while on elliptical machine. I figured it was the little old lady on the machine next to me. It was so bad I had to leave. When I got in my truck, I realized the smell had followed me. It was me. My cat had pissed on my workout clothes. FML

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By ugly - 14/11/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I was in McDonalds with some friends. When I got up to the register to order, the guy there appeared startled by me, and said, 'Whoa, you're really pretty.' No one has ever said anything like that to me before. When I told my friends, they laughed and said, 'Wow. He must have been drunk.' FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend informed me I need to stop staying up all night, because it's "really sketchy" and he feels "uncomfortable" not knowing what I'm doing, and why I'm awake. I'm an insomniac, I have been my whole life, and he knows this. FML

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By Birdman - 23/6/2018 15:00

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

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By Dana422 - 18/5/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to talk to this hot guy in my law school contracts class. His response? "I'm no fashion expert, but I don't think you're supposed to wear purple underwear with white pants. Not that it matters, though, because your zipper is wide open." FML

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By innocentbarista - 17/3/2013 19:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while serving two middle-aged women at the coffee shop, I was screamed at and accused of being a "sexist and chauvinistic bastard." This was prompted by me charging one of them 40 cents for the addition of steamed milk, which is clearly stated on the price sheet. FML

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By appropriatepolice - 16/1/2012 08:19 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my 65-year-old mother that it is inappropriate for her to walk around in front of me in her underwear. Her response? "Too bad." FML

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By johnfrank - 26/3/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was on a blind date with a girl my friend set me up with. We went to a fancy restaurant and she ordered the shrimp. I told her, "I'm allergic to shrimp, so you shouldn't order it in case I want to kiss you later." She looked at the waiter and said, "I'll have the shrimp." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I was at a local chinese restaurant with two of my friends. We were laughing hysterically when my friend tells me to stop making her laugh because she was going to puke, naturally I kept egging it on. She puked all over the table and I was laughing so hard that I peed my pants. FML

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By ihateoldmagazines - 27/1/2011 21:31 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office for an appointment. After waiting for ages, I asked the receptionist what the delay was. Apparently, I had no standing appointment today. This is coming from the same receptionist who checked me in nearly two hours ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 17:24

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

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By itzcorinnelove - 18/8/2009 16:11 - United States

Today, I was walking my Aunt's dog to the park and I grabbed a few doggy bags to pick up the poop. As it turns out the bag had a small unoticable hole in it, that grew bigger as I fit my hand through it. I ended up using my hand to pick up the poop and didnt realize it. FML

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By nikko blue - 20/12/2009 07:52 - United States

Today, I decided to try whitening my teeth for the first time. I applied the strips to my teeth and decided to lay down and wait for the thirty required minutes to pass. I accidentally fell asleep and woke up three hours later. My teeth are still in excruciating pain and are covered in white streaks. FML

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Top comments

By prettyinpunk1025 | 14

#3417106 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:54

Who cares what your sister thinks... As long as he treats you right, and you like/love him, that's all that matters.

By enonymous | 8

#3417245 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:20

I'm hoping it was Waldo and she's just jealous she didn't find him first

COMMENTS

By ken8lk | 3

#3417096 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:52

I know that feel, bro.

jordnlyn | 6

#3417108 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:55

FHL!

enonymous | 8

#3417245 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:20

I'm hoping it was Waldo and she's just jealous she didn't find him first

SneakyMuffin | 0

#3421025 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 8:47

You, my sir, belong on MLIA!!!

By prettyinpunk1025 | 14

#3417106 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:54

Who cares what your sister thinks... As long as he treats you right, and you like/love him, that's all that matters.

By KVKdragon | 26

#3417146 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:00

Ugh. Siblings can be the worst sometimes. Just ignore her and keep on loving your bf

By ollie179 | 21

#3417148 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:00

Admit it. He's a homeless guy right?

By LolCakes111 | 7

#3417159 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:01

"Your Boyfriend"

tannerparker16 | 0

#3417194 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:10

Thanks, I wasn't aware, FML was too confusing thank god U made sense of everything

By gorgeousnightmar | 0

#3417171 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:04

Sounds like the girl who wrecked my pre engagement. And over 2 year relationship. Karma will hit.

justanotherhuman | 21

#3419200 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 22:58

Think your targeting system has a few errors, there.

rachel_potter | 13

#3420389 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 5:28

Stop trying to get people to throw you a pity party

PrincessPesa | 20

#4233869 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:35

WTF is a pre-engagement? It's like being "kind of pregnant". You either are, or you aren't!

xNephilim | 18

#4523210 - Tuesday 5 June 2012 0:05

I'm guessing it's when a girl and her boyfriend are talking about getting married but aren't engaged yet.

By ljcarranza | 16

#3417222 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:15

tell her you saw him outside looking into her room so you brought him in lol

By Freeze_fml | 16

#3417249 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:22

The man about to bitch slap her.

By EarAcheMyEYE10 | 2

#3417261 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:32

OP- you should of pulled that bitch aside and responded... your husbands lover.... that would of shut that bitch up for a bit; then tell her to shut the fuck up!

je_suis_fml | 11

#3420597 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 6:19

13- angry, bro?

By shireeniee | 8

#3417315 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:55

Why would she screw her sister when she's got a bf?

Or hey, threesome.