Animals: Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from... - FML

By riptoofie - 16/01/2010 21:36 - United States

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 922

You deserved it 4 961

Supportive

Exes from hell

Classic cat

By feckingnasty - 26/01/2018 19:00

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 578

You deserved it 457

By Marteeny - 09/06/2016 03:14

Today, my mom said my boobs are finally getting bigger and that I've finally hit puberty. I'll be celebrating my 31st birthday next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 083

You deserved it 1 086

By mac - 27/01/2014 14:40 - Australia - Bankstown

Today, my roommate showed me a video of a cockroach crawling all over my face while I was asleep in the lounge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 363

You deserved it 4 358

By Anonymous - 19/09/2015 09:20 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mother-in-law turned up at my doorstep close to midnight, drunk off her tits, crying about how my wife is punishing her and throwing her life away by marrying me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 114

You deserved it 1 576

By kelly.duggan - 21/04/2014 04:03 - Canada - Carleton Place

Today, I went to get an ultrasound done. I texted my ex, who's the father, and told him how adorable its little feet are, and asked him why he didn't come. I got a reply with two words: "DNA test". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 595

You deserved it 11 780

By FlabbyPants - 06/01/2015 02:51 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 656

You deserved it 6 411

By AloneForChristmas - 25/12/2018 16:00

Today, I live in dorms and found out everyone is leaving for Christmas break. I also found out my student loan didn't go through, so now I cant afford to go visit my family that lives over 7 hours away. I guess I'll be spending Christmas alone in a dorm room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 680

You deserved it 212

By Anonymous Cunt - 24/11/2012 19:38 - Netherlands - Blaricum

Today, my mom had a tantrum and screamed at me over my use of bronzer. She called me a selfish bitch and claimed that I'm somehow slowly giving myself skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 948

You deserved it 17 577

By kukadaman - 15/03/2010 06:19 - United States

Today, I came home to hear my girlfriend break up with me, over the answering machine, with my entire family in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 523

You deserved it 2 373

By Anonymous - 17/04/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years (whom I was hoping to have a future with) to talk to him about it, all he said was "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 773

You deserved it 7 327

By Anonymous - 27/08/2012 02:56 - United States - Riverside

Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument which resulted in her begging for a divorce and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 772

You deserved it 2 453

Do Not Pass Go

By Rex - 16/09/2017 16:15 - United States - Camden

Today, I started at a new college. I bought my textbooks and went to my first class only to find out that they changed my schedule without telling me. I'd already opened the book. I could not get $200 back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 598

You deserved it 322

By awkwardencounters - 12/11/2013 11:18 - United States - Belleville

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 207

You deserved it 49 222

By tsukinoie - 02/02/2014 06:33 - United States

Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 554

You deserved it 6 843

By sexyyy - 07/12/2009 19:18 - Belgium

Today, my family and I were discussing my birthday in a couple weeks. As they asked what I wanted, I told them it was up to them. So my mother suggested that she'll get me electrolysis so I wouldn't have to worry about my mustache in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 694

You deserved it 5 094

By Xx_DEXIJOKER_xX - 12/11/2014 03:16 - United States - Spotswood

Today, my father picked me up from the police academy I'm attending, and got caught speeding. The officer was my drill instructor, and I had to do push-ups on the side of the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 027

You deserved it 5 158

By tinygirl - 07/03/2011 06:16

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 223

You deserved it 11 176

By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:42 - United States

Today, my toddler stood up in a shopping cart and fell, giving himself a black eye. Later, while at a restaurant, he tried to stand up in his high-chair. I quickly blurted out, "Sit down! Do you want another one of those?" while pointing at his eye. The waiter wouldn’t stop glaring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 298

You deserved it 10 665

On call

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend accused me of not coming home at all last week. The truth is, I was up and gone to work before him every morning, and I was home after he went to bed. He didn’t even bother talking to me or asking where I was last week, we both work 24/7 on-call jobs, and he knows this happens sometimes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 581

You deserved it 143

By Username - 05/10/2011 00:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, on my way home, my girlfriend started sexting me, telling me that she was waiting at my house. In my rush to get home to see her, I got pulled over and had to be patted down. He found no weapons, but he did find my stiffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 810

You deserved it 12 599

By poorcar - 05/10/2009 07:38 - United States

Today, my parents asked if they could borrow my car. Why? Because they were going to see someone about a Craig's List ad and wanted to look poor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 152

You deserved it 3 637

By rock'n roller - 03/12/2013 03:42

Today, my bandmate and I decided to propose to our girlfriends, who are also in the band, at the same time in the middle of a concert. His girlfriend said yes. Mine ran off the stage crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 593

You deserved it 6 444

By Scared - 13/07/2019 02:30

Today, I played a harmless joke on my neighbors by pointing a laser pointer out of my window onto their wall. Apparently, my neighbors don't take jokes lightly as one of the sons pointed at my window while screaming and swearing, then took out a gang bandana and wrapped it around his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 650

You deserved it 2 412

By mr_dinzaster - 30/05/2019 22:00

Today, a dog came into my yard. I bent down to pet him, forgetting I had a burger in my hand. The dog grabbed it and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 1 762

By Kitty_Gem - 27/08/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my mother told me I should think about quitting school. She explained that the reason was because she didn't want me to be more successful than my older sisters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 127

You deserved it 2 559

Why hello there...

By Shocked - 28/01/2018 19:00

Today, while looking at a house to buy, I opened a bathroom door. There was a naked man on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 631

You deserved it 415

By assante2010 - 24/07/2011 00:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 287

You deserved it 6 864

By dynah114 - 27/01/2013 19:08 - Israel - Petah Tiqva

Today, at my cousin's birthday party, my grandma took me to one side, slipped me a pad, and started ranting that tampons "steal your virginity" and that I should never use them. Well, okay then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 257

You deserved it 2 458

By Kat - 08/03/2009 05:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, I bragged to a coworker that our boss compliments me constantly on my work performance, my fashion sense, and my trustworthiness. She then directed me to a "neighborhood watch" website. My boss is a registered sex offender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 174

You deserved it 8 175

Considerate

By BadLuckLad - 22/10/2014 22:38 - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend cheating on me. The guy turned around and said, "Sorry, I borrowed your condoms." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 223

You deserved it 3 832

Devil's wages

By fucked - 14/03/2014 19:40 - Canada

Today, my boss - AKA Satan - told me I'd better watch out, because I'm now top on his list of people to lay off next time the company downsizes. All I did was give a report to the board admitting that our sales are down this year. He blames me for making him look bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 751

You deserved it 3 747

By dvddtraveller - 22/04/2016 21:25 - United States - Oakland

Spicy

Today, I went to the local clinic and I met a really cute guy. We hit it off quite well, and he asked me out. It's like The Fault in Our Stars, but instead of cancer, we have STDs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 708

You deserved it 7 364

By Jeanna - 15/03/2016 23:14 - United States - Baskett

Today, I went into a store for an interview. I've had several places wanting to talk to me and this job was a lot lower paying. I got a little cocky and when offered the job, I said I wanted some time to finish my other interviews first and see what my options were. The manager then took back his offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 703

You deserved it 27 520

By Mal2222 - 12/02/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, at work, a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe section was. I said, "For you or your son?" He said, "For my daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 260

You deserved it 35 079

By ZAnon - 06/02/2015 07:06 - United States - Houston

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 613

You deserved it 3 799

Nerd

By cole - 24/04/2009 16:40 - United States

Today, I got approached by a hot young lady in a bar. After joking around for a few minutes she said, "Hey, I love your jacket, where'd you get that?" I then told her that it's actually a replica of the Indiana Jones jacket. This is when she remembered that she "had to go somewhere." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 439

You deserved it 61 483

By purpledp12 - 11/02/2010 09:12 - United States

Today, I was eating in the food court at the mall by myself but then a cute guy from my school offers to sit by me, I say yes of course, he then asks me for a french fry. Later on I realize he has eaten half my meal. He only wanted to sit by me for my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 402

You deserved it 6 832

By jmitch1209 - 28/01/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, I was potty training my nephew. He had been on the toilet for almost twenty minutes and could not go. My phone started ringing, and as I went to pick it up he knocked it into the toilet. He then peed and pooped on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 846

You deserved it 3 843

By LukesSkyWalker - 22/06/2015 20:35 - United States

Today, I told my dad I was gonna to start working out again. He looked at me with honest confusion on his face and said, "You worked out before?" My mother started laughing. She was all the way upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 601

You deserved it 3 007

By Anonymous - 02/12/2014 03:14 - United States - Anchorage

Spicy

Today, after putting in so much effort to forgive my husband for his affair, we had sex. Not even 2 minutes into it, he called me by the other woman's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 316

You deserved it 12 309

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Top comments

coolguyattack 0

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:11

Was he like, a hardcore, badass-looking wild hamster that doesn't afraid of anything?

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:13

To be blunt, how did you not smell Toofie rotting?

Comments

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:10

is he dead behind your couch?

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Sunday 17 January 2010 5:37

I would hope not... if I lost my pet I would have looked under/behind the couch first. Actually, I probably would have assumed he was dead and made an effort to look for the body...? I don't even understand why they a) never looked for the body of Toofie or b) smelled it?

pancakes_n_syrup 0

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Sunday 17 January 2010 5:41

Have you ever had a Hamster?? When I was a kid I had one that escaped from his cage in the upstairs of our house, and we found him a year later living in the back of a closet. He had built up a storage with all the food we'd left out to catch him and dug up the carpet to make a little bed. Hamsters are crafty little creatures when they don't want to be caught. Toofie probably found some obscure place that the OP never goes to and lived there awhile until finally passing..and maybe it took him 3 1/2 years to die and then OP smelled him to find him?

vanillathirteen 0

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Sunday 31 January 2010 2:17

it's true!!! my hamster I trained disappeared and then days later we found her because she somehow climbed up in my geandma's bed and when my grandma screamed we found her!!!! :D my hamster lived the rest of her 9 happy years with me. I miss her...

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Wednesday 24 February 2010 3:29

h

wowthatshorrible_fml 0

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Friday 6 August 2010 16:37

look at op's name

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Sunday 12 September 2010 4:34

no he was just hiding

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Thursday 19 May 2011 17:02

9 years. That is impossible. Both my hamsters died at 2 and a half.

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Tuesday 20 September 2011 7:10

My pet hamster escaped once and we couldn't find him. Years later, I woke up only to find my family tied to chairs and their mouths gagged. When I turned around, I was greeted with a 10 mm gun to the back of my head. Apparently my hamster had been hiding away, waiting for the perfect time to exact his revenge. He forced me into a ball and made me run around. He then proceeded to force me to run a giant human sized hamster wheel. Finally content, he went back in his cage and acted as though nothing happened.

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 0:31

152, I don't believe you. A hamster couldn't even hold a 10mm! You shouldn't leave such gaping holes in your fake stories.

threer 30

Tuesday 17 September 2013 3:55

Higgletown squirrel..

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Saturday 7 June 2014 20:57

9 years? Most hamsters live 3, tops

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:10

Interesting

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Sunday 17 January 2010 10:57

I agree, what a hamster! Toofie is a cute name as well. God im soft.

ilovefatcats 12

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Thursday 25 March 2010 3:08

*gags*

coolguyattack 0

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:11

Was he like, a hardcore, badass-looking wild hamster that doesn't afraid of anything?

Snowlight_fml 7

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Sunday 17 January 2010 9:52

Yup, OP, you should be happy he actually WANTED to come back to you after 4 years of living the high life.

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Wednesday 6 October 2010 18:37

Then who was phone?

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:12

wow....I seriously feel bad that you had to see him like that, but its kinda ydi because you need to clean your house more often.

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:13

To be blunt, how did you not smell Toofie rotting?

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:13

Shouldn't you have SMELLED that four years ago?

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:15

Dead or alive? If alive, I don't see how this is an FML at all.

tisiphone_fml 0

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:19

jonny, read OP's name...

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:16

dude it's been lost for years man, that poor thing is dead :(

Moemoemoe_fml 0

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:16

Probably better than finding Toofie when he was still freshly dead, but FML anyway. D:

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Sunday 17 January 2010 1:16

wow

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 486

You deserved it 142

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 111