Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend that she's too good for me, then asking if she really wants to settle for someone like me. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning." FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it, I whispered in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I then heard behind me, "I am." FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she heard me say "love you" on the phone. I was talking to my mom. FML
Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. My phone started ringing and it was my Mom, she said I could answer it. As I answered the phone my girlfriend started playing with my dick. I moaned. Loud. FML
Today, my dad overheard me and my girlfriend having a very personal conversation. His response was to burst into the room and ground me for a month for failing to get her to orgasm the last 3 times we had sex. FML
Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML
Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML
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Top comments
Doortje 30
If he didn't abuse her, shouldn't he be glad his daughter's boyfriend is -in a weird and somewhat violent way- looking out for her?
singer4life666 0
I guess you aren't going over there ever.
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Comments (108)
RicardoAguilar 0
dumbass
dealerdon 0
he is right u shouldn't so show him wrong and cut it off
blloyd420 5
hahaha u people r pathetic
losanimal 2
didnt expect rambo ta be her dad huh? lol go ahead back that shit up
Saluton 18
What does "you can't back up" mean? You can't be responsible for what you said?
DreDre554 0
it means dont say something you know you isnt true or is out of your power to do.
lionheart822 13
"Today, while trying to prove my manliness and being my girlfriend's knight in shining armor I went over to her house to cut off her dad's dick. Instead, I am now waiting at the hospital to get my dick surgically removed from my ass. FML"
dansco 25
The subject of abuse just came up?! And her Dad just came on the phone... BS!
MiracleGoggles 0
Well ya. I guess you shouldn't
kaiky3 0
lmaoo woww, at least ur looking out for her. loll wat bad timing
itsgonnagetworse 0
oh shit you're screwed. he's coming for you next.