Miscellaneous: Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the...

By Anonymous - 17/03/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 369

You deserved it 7 791

Miscellaneous

Sorry…

Triage

How could you forget?

By accident - 14/02/2014 22:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 925

You deserved it 5 786

By CD - 11/01/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, my mom explained the benefits of douching to me with my boyfriend right there. He began arguing with her about how the vagina is usually self-cleaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 974

You deserved it 2 585

By awkword - 31/12/2013 17:47 - United States - Mckeesport

Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 937

You deserved it 3 861

By Lisaaa - 27/10/2010 11:47 - Canada

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 687

You deserved it 34 515

By GirlfriendsAreBadForYourBack - 06/08/2013 16:01 - United States - Lynbrook

Today, I was feeling down because I always think that I'm overweight. My boyfriend tried to prove me wrong by lifting me up. I threw his back out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 743

You deserved it 9 898

Where is my mind?

By brainfart - 19/09/2020 10:01

Today, I was put on a medication for severe migraines. One of the side effects is difficulty concentrating and word recall. I was writing a paper and sat there trying to remember how to spell "isn't." This medication better work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 76

Crazy best friend

By Anonymous - 05/12/2019 18:00

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, and my drunk best friend knocked on our door. We screamed 'go away' and she still opened the door. She then saw us, and asked if she can join. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 579

You deserved it 701

By person - 20/09/2015 23:57 - United States - League City

Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 582

You deserved it 2 966

By Aether - 03/05/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 136 727

You deserved it 7 576

By Henry - 11/11/2011 22:29 - Norway

Today, my girlfriend agreed to doing it doggy style. During it all, I pulled on her hair. I guess I pulled too hard, because when I let go, her face smacked straight into the bedside table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 929

You deserved it 45 657

By beer guy - 01/12/2010 05:12

Today, I got punched in the back by elderly woman because she thought I was mocking the way she walked as I passed her. I was walking funny because I have a brace-boot on my foot due to the fact that it got run over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 962

You deserved it 2 475

By Username - 05/11/2010 22:02 - France

Today, I was reading to a child during nap time because she woke up crying. She calmed down right after I began reading, but soon started crying again. I was confused until I felt something warm and wet on my leg. She peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 963

You deserved it 3 613

Thanks, I hate it!

By poorkids - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Auburn

Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 323

You deserved it 4 128

By Weirdo - 30/12/2012 18:39 - United States

Today, I went to church for the first time in my life. They had a Jesus statue at the altar, and I noticed he was surprisingly muscular. Ten minutes later, I had to excuse myself, after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 610

You deserved it 40 051

Same

By Anonymous - 08/01/2015 14:24 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 860

You deserved it 6 050

By Allie - 03/06/2010 18:58 - United States

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 951

You deserved it 26 432

Worried

By Theo Edwards - 15/07/2021 02:01

Today, I found out my girlfriend is talking to some guy from across the country. When I ask about it, she claims, "Oh he's just a friend, and won't talk to him anymore." Now she's doing it secretly and deleting messages. She has kids, and I care for them and her, but I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 115

Godless

By fullyajar - 12/07/2021 11:01

Today, while having dinner with my girlfriend's very religious parents, her mother called me a heathen and said she'd convert me one day. She wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 818

You deserved it 95

By ugh - 04/07/2013 18:28 - South Africa - Durban

Today, as I was enjoying a nice fish salad, my father looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Ahh, salmon. The 'other' pink meat", then winked suggestively at my mother. I don't think I can ever eat fish again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 517

You deserved it 5 155

By ROBERT - 08/08/2013 18:52 - United States - Cresskill

Today, I actually had to explain to two of my friends that neither Alaska nor Nebraska are in Canada. I think I need new friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 897

You deserved it 5 295

By Anonymous - 27/01/2013 06:03 - United States - Demorest

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 966

You deserved it 3 891

Crossed purposes

By katiebell - 04/10/2019 12:00

Today, while I was walking home, a homeless man saw me and didn't ask for change, but how much I charged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 361

You deserved it 216

By sex deprived - 16/06/2013 05:10 - United States

Today, I got more pleasure from scratching a bug bite than I've gotten from my boyfriend in 2 whole years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 119

You deserved it 11 606

By amanda_ae_erin - 10/11/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me in a text message. Then I found out from a mutual friend that he "came out" and told everyone at our school that he is gay. He has known he was gay for years and he was just using me as a cover up. What a great way to start my senior year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 935

You deserved it 5 003

By Anonymous - 29/04/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I returned home after a three-week trip to Jamaica. When I opened the door to my room, I was greeted by a swarm of bees and their enormous nest, which was attached to my doorknob. Apparently, I'd forgotten to close the window properly before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 484

You deserved it 18 469

By Tom - 10/03/2011 11:09

Today, after setting up surveillance in my front yard to see whose dog keeps crapping on my lawn, I finally caught the culprit on film. It was my heroin addict neighbour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 186

You deserved it 3 578

By NoFriends - 02/08/2009 17:12 - United States

Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone rings and my mom excitedly says "You have friends!" As I'm about to answer it, she pulls out her phone from under the table and says "Kidding, it's just me." My boyfriend starts cracking up, and they exchange a high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 868

You deserved it 7 530

By :( - 17/11/2013 20:27 - United States - Pearland

Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed out on Friday. One question said "I would like to see my son/daughter ______." My dad wrote in the blank: "less often." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 357

You deserved it 4 519

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 19:44 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 708

You deserved it 6 316

By Z - 03/07/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, after a large, dramatic fight with my girlfriend in a parking lot, we stopped arguing altogether and hugged, dropping the issue. Twenty seconds later, I accidentally slammed her hand in the car door, breaking two of her fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 768

You deserved it 14 246

Awks

By John doe - 11/04/2010 11:54 - United States

Today, I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. I don't know how to tell her it was drunken sex and not the beginning of a relationship. But I have to come up with something soon as I work with her Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 484

You deserved it 44 157

Comedic timing

By Anonymous - 15/11/2021 16:00 - United States - Knoxville

Today, while at a family baby shower, my grandfather thought it would be funny to inform me, in front of everyone, that I had gotten fat. I'm 7 months pregnant and the baby shower was for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 148

By coveholli - 15/11/2014 14:43 - Australia - Perth

Today, I went on a blind date. Not only did his phone go flat before I found him, but we were at totally different bars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 171

You deserved it 3 172

Scam artists

By oldladiesbecrazy - 03/09/2021 07:59

Today, in a market, an old lady stood beside me for a few moments, not saying a word, before turning to me and screaming that I'd taken the money out of her purse. Security was called and I was given the ultimatum to either go to jail or give her the money back. Now I have no food for next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 155

You deserved it 98

By Anonymous - 21/09/2013 20:56 - United States - Collingswood

Today, I told my mom that I want to try out for a singing competition on TV, so I might be able to kick off my musical career. She convinced me to sing a song for her, so I did. Mid-way through, she lost it, burst into laughter, and told me to stay in school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 845

You deserved it 12 147

By lex - 14/02/2013 11:01 - United States

Today, I had to use a dictionary before I realized I was being flirted with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 972

You deserved it 12 253

By badluck_jean - 17/01/2015 13:54 - France

Today, at a ski resort, I tried to impress an attractive girl on the slopes and failed, horribly. I ended up with a mild concussion and some serious cuts after tripping, tumbling and hitting my head against the ground. I don't think she was impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 701

You deserved it 11 044

By Gen - 17/12/2008 09:40 - France

Today, I was telling off one of my friends, a fellow student of medicine, who was spending his evenings watching "House" instead of revising for our important exam, as I was. The topic mentioned in the episode came up in the exam. He got 4 points more than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 481

You deserved it 9 310

By Anonymous - 31/12/2014 20:29 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me a pep talk to boost my self confidence. Somehow, it ended up turning into a conversation about how much of a loser I am and how I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 012

You deserved it 2 858

Love is hell

By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 19/05/2021 02:00

Today, I found out the love of my life was talking to his ex. She chose to contact me, including screenshots of him begging her to, "Save me from this crazy bitch, she's trying to kill herself," while I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. I financially supported him through the pandemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 354

You deserved it 136

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Top comments

MikeDa1Da 14

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:04

I like rusty spoons.

perdix 29

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:11

So, what's the scoop?

MikeDa1Da 14

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:04

I like rusty spoons.

redbluegreen 40

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:09

I like to touch them.

Lazarevic_fml 7

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:18

#6 So, you have Tetanus and You like that

Puer_in_urbe 5

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:22

No, you dunce, it was a reference to Salad Fingers.

Lazarevic_fml 7

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:34

Delightful !

_Oblivion_ 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:34

Spooning anyone?

justmethough 8

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:46

Well.. Now you know.

nofearjenshere 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:50

The feeling of rust.. against my salad fingers.. is almost orgasmic...

drdraaman 0

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Sunday 18 March 2012 3:06

I see what you did there

thatKidzmOm 10

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Sunday 18 March 2012 4:01

Might I inquire about your spoOns?

eatdemcupcakes 4

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Sunday 18 March 2012 4:34

Spooning leads to forking

Posiedon57 0

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Sunday 18 March 2012 4:36

And forking leads to knifing. And in the words of Annoying orange, "Knife!"

Llama_Face89 33

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Sunday 18 March 2012 7:12

64- you killed it.

PistolWhiper93 0

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Sunday 18 March 2012 7:48

Ha ha.

BunBunBabe 8

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Sunday 18 March 2012 8:19

Marjory stewart Baxter!

thatKidzmOm 10

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Sunday 18 March 2012 15:53

Marjorie stewart-Baxter, you taste like sunshine dust

A100893 30

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Sunday 18 March 2012 18:32

What about the spork. I think the spork is a very intersting creation.

maybeBabe 8

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Sunday 18 March 2012 23:52

I like spooning! Google that next time bud!

efemel94 7

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Sunday 18 March 2012 23:52

Jeremy fisher is the one who tastes like soot an poo

GirlYouNasty 11

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Monday 19 March 2012 3:31

Somewhheeeeeree over the rainbowwww....

PartyxRocked 0

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Wednesday 21 March 2012 23:07

You sir, are awesome.

Lazarevic_fml 7

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:06

And... Tell us !

geassconan 1

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Sunday 18 March 2012 5:58

Please intrigue us with your knowledge.

alexup24 13

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Sunday 18 March 2012 8:22

I'd like to know more about how they breeded with the fork and evolved into the spork.

zachlibby 4

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:06

Spoons can be very interesting.

TheZee 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:27

More interesting than your comment, that's for sure.

ladyLALAA 28

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Sunday 18 March 2012 5:04

I prefer spoonING, myself.

XxDevilxXGt 26

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Sunday 18 March 2012 5:07

The more you know. You'd be surprised how some random facts can help you out later on.

neverdrinkSODA 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:07

spoons are very useful when trying to eat semisolid food

BooGhosted 0

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Sunday 18 March 2012 7:23

Soquids

BradTheBrony 19

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Monday 19 March 2012 23:49

Liquid-solids. LOLSQUID.

thelinlinx3 10

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

That's awesome. Next time read up on forks!

iTz_x_BurneddPs3 0

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:16

Fork you...?

thelinlinx3 10

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Sunday 18 March 2012 3:39

I want a fork on the table! :D

pandas_13 2

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Sunday 18 March 2012 4:30

Haha 52- you better not fork on the table!!

Fluhz 6

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Sunday 18 March 2012 5:28

Or even sporks! Haha.

TwinArmageddons 4

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Sunday 18 March 2012 5:38

77 - *facepalm* You no understand, I want 2 piece on my plate!

TwinArmageddons 4

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Sunday 18 March 2012 5:40

77 - *facepalm* You no understand, I want 2 piece on my plate!

instnt1nfction 17

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Sunday 18 March 2012 7:09

And I want sheet on the bed

yahoowizard 16

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Sunday 18 March 2012 12:53

And then, when you go on Jeopardy and there's the Utensils category, you can bring it home

cheaptrix 6

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Sunday 18 March 2012 15:19

He had a fork in the road and choose to study spoons

windfuelsfire 10

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:11

If I'm bored, that's maybe the only thing that could get me even more bored..

leadawg75 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 16:06

Lol I did that once for matches I agree with you 100%

perdix 29

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:11

So, what's the scoop?

Krysk_fml 0

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Sunday 18 March 2012 5:29

I see what you did there.

LMA0 5

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Sunday 18 March 2012 8:05

78- Well it sure is knife to know that you got it, as blatantly obvious as it was. It was pretty forking funny.

ClassyCommando 13

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Monday 19 March 2012 0:07

Try not to start an argument about this. I'll just try to enjoy the pun and ignore the little spatulads are having :)

CallMeBloo 31

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Sunday 15 July 2012 18:32

Now that's a knee-slapper! =D Seriously, though....now I want to know about spoons.

jmk1469 5

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:12

Why not forks?

LMA0 5

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Sunday 18 March 2012 8:26

Because she didn't forking want to.

crazyblackchick 0

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Sunday 18 March 2012 20:08

Yeah, fork that.

LMA0 5

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Monday 19 March 2012 8:42

Fork you!

Right_Click 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:16

Brace yourselves; here come the random comm-- Too late. :l

megan324 4

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Sunday 18 March 2012 3:51

Lol so tru

CanadianLambiee 1

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Sunday 18 March 2012 7:06

And by random, you clearly mean retarded. Nooooo doubt!

domking1315 20

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Monday 19 March 2012 1:43

The fuck...

iiFrench_Fries 5

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:17

Next, Look up the fork. (;

babiebuntin 7

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Sunday 18 March 2012 10:55

Shut up about the forks! It was only funny the first time...

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 13

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 24

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 126

You deserved it 2 417

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