Health: Today, I was sitting on a fence watching a friend play soccer.... - FML

By No thanks - United States

Today, I was sitting on a fence watching a friend play soccer. He accidentally kicked the ball at my face and made me fall off the fence into mud. I laughed it off and got back on the fence. Two seconds later he did the same exact thing. I fell wrong and slammed my face into the fence. Pain. FML

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This Charming Man

Overreact much?!

Seize the means

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I found that someone had paid off my $16,500 student loan. I was so excited that I called my family and posted on Facebook about how awesome it was. Then I called the loan company and found out that they had just sold my loan to another company; no one had actually paid it off. FML

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By Oops - United States

Today, I was at a party and saw an old friend from college. I went up to her asking how she was and how her family was. She went on to tell me that her husband left her a month ago and started crying. I told her that he was an ass anyway and that she didn't need him. Turns out he died. FML

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By fugly - United States - Landenberg

Today, as I was putting stuff into the back of my car, a man walked by and said I looked "super fine." When I looked up to look him in the face, he immediately looked disgusted and basically ran away. Apparently, my face does that. FML

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By pickuptruckblues - Canada - Mississauga

Final Destination

Today, I was stopped behind a pickup truck filled with junk. I told my friend that the person should have secured the junk better, since it looked like it would fall off any minute. My friend assured me it wouldn't. Right after she said that, a large piece of plywood fell off and hit my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Titisee-neustadt

Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally found out what the horrible smell at work was. A rat had decided to make its home in our emergency exit sign and had been fried by the electricity. I now have to fix this. Hello scorched dead rat. FML

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By boostedsaab - France

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she can't treat me like the way I treat her. She said, "because you love me more than I love you." FML

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By mycedes - United States

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my 7-year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of the supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML

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By mew - Canada

Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML

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By TiredMommy - United States - Southbridge

Today, my 2-year-old son figured out that if he takes his pull-up off and DOESN'T go on the potty, he can pee all over things. FML

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By fleur_de_fevrier - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By Derek Wheeler - 6/12/2020 08:00 - United States - Longview

The Walking Dead

Today, we overheard a customer in our store talking on the phone about how she'd been exposed to someone positive for COVID-19, and was supposed to be at home in quarantine just in case. The terrifying thing is how many other people come into our store when they shouldn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 20:00 - United States - New Orleans

Thanks for the setup, dude

Today, I was set up on a date by a coworker. The guy turned up late, but whatever. He then spent 30 breathlessly long minutes complaining about his "bitch of an ex." Then he spent another 30 minutes trying to convince me that the QAnon bullshit was real. I had to pull the whole 'fake emergency phone call' to get the hell out of there. FML

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By Liah12 - United States - Holt

Today, my family picked a place for my birthday dinner. They chose a seafood restaurant. I'm allergic. FML

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By notsoonenufdeparted - United States

Today, my four-year-old asked me when I was going to die. I replied "Not for a long time, why?" He looked at me and stated "Because I only want to live with Daddy." FML

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By joshua - United States

Today, I started work at my new job. I was excited to have been given an office of my own, but shortly after sitting down at my desk, the door across the hall opened and an unspeakably murderous stench that could've curdled milk seeped in. My office is opposite the men's room. Great. FML

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By 751920 - Canada

Today, I found out my girlfriend's password for okcupid is "i_love_mike". My name is not Mike. FML

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By oops.

Today, my wife had a nip-slip. At my family reunion. In front of everyone. FML

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By drooler - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my new boyfriend. I got tired so I thought it would be cute to fall asleep on him. He woke me up and said "You got me wet" Thinking it was a joke, I said smoothly, "That's what she said" He replied "No really." I looked down, I'd drooled all over his shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 02:02

Who you gonna call?

Today, I couldn't enter my workplace because I haven't gotten the new keycard yet. I ended up having to wait outside for close to an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 02:01

Today, on "Dr. Phil"…

Today, my dad got upset when one of his employees showed a romantic interest in my mom. Both parents were totally fine, though, with that same employee announcing his engagement to my 15-year-old sister. FML

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By Oops - United States - Augusta

Today, I was at Walmart when I saw my grandpa in the next aisle looking at magazines. Wanting to surprise him, I ran up behind him and hugged him around the middle. Up close, I realized he wasn't my grandpa. FML

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By NaKreen - Sweden - Bor

Today, I was at a barbecue with my extended family. I was chatting to my grandma, when my idiotic brother decided to douse the grill with his cola. The hissing sounded so much like a Minecraft creeper that I instinctively screamed and practically shat my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, as I kissed my husband after our wedding vows, my mother-in-law muttered "Slut." loudly from the front row. Everyone heard her, but kept smiling and pretended to be oblivious. FML

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By Jerf - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on, and listening to loud music when she suddenly looked worried and asked if I heard something. I said no and continued. Moments later, three firemen opened the bedroom door and told us to get dressed and go outside because the building was on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during my dinner break, I was forced to listen to a coworker talk about how he dumped his needy ex for another woman. I'm the ex. We kept our relationship secret from our coworkers. I guess now I know why he dumped me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother found a hickey on my neck. Not believing that it was from the hungry 2-month-old child I was holding, she confronted my boyfriend about it. He promptly accused me of cheating. FML

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By isucksomuch - Canada

Today, I found out my mother cleans the dishes with bathroom cleaning chemicals. She doesn't see anything wrong with this. FML

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By Waffle

Today, a little boy called me on the phone, crying "grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say "wrong number." FML

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By Anonymous

Halved

Today, I went to the hair salon to get a fresh trim before receiving my master's diploma. The hairdresser managed to shave off half my eyebrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tacoma

Today, my car was broken into, on the same night I stayed up late researching how to install my new car alarm. FML

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By Anonymous

Yummy

Today, I decided to have some bagels. It was only after I ate them that I looked at the cream cheese and discovered that it expired 3 years ago. FML

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By MommyLovesMe - United States

Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML

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By sad - Canada

Today, I left my book on the plane after I'd finished reading it. The flight attendant thought I'd forgotten it, so he chased me through the airport, past security, past customs, and past baggage claims. I didn't have the heart to tell him I left it on purpose. FML

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By pinkfloyd777

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's parents offered her a trip to Europe if she dumped me. She accepted, and broke up with me. Her parents were lying. FML

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By whoops - United States - Vincennes

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

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By bsulyingb - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "our priorities aren't the same." Her priorities turned out to be getting into my coworker's pants. FML

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By GettingACat

Today, I found a mouse nest. In my glovebox. Made out of the $450 in rent money I was going to give my roommate that I had stored in there earlier for safe keeping. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 00:30

Man of mystery

Today, I found a video of my fiance staring into the camera while deep-throating a dildo, and then putting it other places. I have no idea who/what it was for, or how to talk to him about this, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with his disinterest in me lately. FML

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Top comments

By DirectorLincoln | 12

#6141364 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:32

Hopefully you didn't go back on the fence...

By jipster | 11

#6141363 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:32

He must be bad at soccer.

COMMENTS

By myeverydaymylife | 21

#6141362 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:31

Ouch. I guess once bitten, twice still not shy :/

By jipster | 11

#6141363 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:32

He must be bad at soccer.

Reply

amdraxx | 1

#6141383 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:44

Or good at soccer, but aiming at the wrong target

Reply

shessohighh | 10

#6141508 - Thursday 11 December 2014 19:47

Or just an asshole.

By DirectorLincoln | 12

#6141364 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:32

Hopefully you didn't go back on the fence...

Reply

Ichiya | 29

#6141573 - Thursday 11 December 2014 21:23

Pete and Repeat setting on a fence. Pete gets a soccer ball to the face and falls off. Who's left?

By val_is_lame97 | 12

#6141365 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:32

maybe he tried to hit you?

Reply

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6141377 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:40

He did it just for kicks.

Reply

odod777 | 28

#6141981 - Friday 12 December 2014 5:57

Maybe he tried to hit a person next to the OP.

Reply

Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6142034 - Friday 12 December 2014 8:21

"accidentally"

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6141366 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:33

that's painful man sorry about that, switch places next time.

By JMichael | 25

#6141369 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:33

This makes me think it wasn't accidental.

By Tre_Tre | 15

#6141370 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:33

Sounds like you were target practice. FYL

By supernerd95 | 17

#6141371 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:34

so... did you go back and continue sitting on the fence waiting for a third time too?

Reply

1dvos_grl3 | 21

#6141386 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:49

well, 3rd times a charm..

By JuliusSeizure | 18

#6141378 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:40

Didn't the story of Humpty Dumpty teach you anything?

By NebulaNick | 12

#6141380 - Thursday 11 December 2014 17:41

Sounds more like a best friend