Close quarters

By smellay - 14/04/2020 23:00

Today, I had to shit really bad while I was in bed with my girlfriend. Luckily she was sleeping. I didn’t want to be obvious, so I closed all the doors, crept into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I accidentally let out the loudest fart. I got a text saying, “Walls are thin, you good?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 749

You deserved it 356

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Morning conversation

By CaoNiMa - 26/03/2009 15:42 - China

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie in my basement. I run upstairs and pop a bag of popcorn. Later I come downstairs to find my 10 year old brother sitting next to my girlfriend saying," My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 789

You deserved it 74 733

By First Kiss - 07/12/2012 12:39 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after a romantic dinner, movie, and stroll in the park, we had our first kiss. It would have been perfect, had a passerby not thrown rubbish at us for "unnecessary public display of affection." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 977

You deserved it 3 490

By blububble412 - 22/01/2015 03:46 - United States - Sierra Vista

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 951

You deserved it 2 448

By can't win - 13/01/2015 16:25 - Australia

Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 406

You deserved it 3 431

Fast food

By hpberkla - 05/09/2020 23:01

Today, I was at the Wendy's drive-through with my four kids in the car. As the worker handed me my food through the window, a man wearing a ski mask ran right between us, snatched the bags of food and took off. They refused to refund me for the food, because they said I staged the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 872

You deserved it 277

By mchhhoi - 20/07/2009 06:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and were I getting it on in his bedroom where he had all of his anime models on display. I accidentally knocked over one of his models and it fell on to the floor. He got angry and kicked me out. Apparently, making his models look good was more important than us making love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 548

You deserved it 13 289

By "Anti_Sora" - 05/01/2019 00:00

Today, I turned in my final worth 20% of the grade. Today was also the day my internet decided to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 136

You deserved it 277

By InNeedOfFriends - 12/04/2013 00:00 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up, in high heels and a sparkly dress, to sit in the library for most of the night so that my roommate and his friends would believe that I have a social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 373

You deserved it 19 716

By clumsy - 10/03/2017 20:00 - United States - Stafford

Today, I slipped and fell on a piece of plastic. I thought nothing of it until I went to the doctor's and found out that I fractured and dislocated my kneecap. I'm now in a full leg brace and crutches. Prom is five days away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 042

You deserved it 473

By Master Debater - 01/02/2013 11:05 - Australia

Today, my grandmother walked in on me watching porn on my computer. She looked at the woman on the screen and said, "I used to have tits like that, but look what having 7 kids did to them." Now I'm scarred for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 975

You deserved it 39 986

By Anna - 29/09/2015 14:58 - Sweden - V?ster?s

Today, after weeks of searching, I finally found the wedding dress of my dreams. Too bad it was in the form of a download for The Sims. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 084

You deserved it 3 649

Plans

By Anonymous - 14/09/2021 02:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex asked me to take the kids for the day, which was odd as it's her weekend. My son let slip that she was getting ready for a surprise birthday party, but I wasn't supposed to know. As it's my birthday in 3 days, I was touched that she'd planned something. Turns out it's a surprise party for her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 350

By FlorenceD - 12/08/2012 04:34 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was walking up some stairs and heard a noise as if someone was following me. The faster I went, the louder the noise got. I was too scared to realize that it was just my thighs causing my jeans to chafe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 416

You deserved it 10 805

By Anonymous - 19/12/2012 17:19 - Australia - Perth

Today, my friend and I decided to go skinny-dipping in her pool just after we'd finished watching a scary movie. While we were in the pool, I heard something move in the bushes so I freaked out and ran onto the deck, slipping and falling flat on my back. Her dad saw the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 394

You deserved it 37 040

Lee Trevi-not

By Anonymous - 10/10/2019 12:07

Today, I was practicing my golf swing on my front lawn. I took a swing and on the backstroke the golf club slipped out of my hands. Next thing I know, it hits a neighbor's window, shatters it, and goes right into their living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 617

You deserved it 1 392

Extreme cooking

By oldmold - 23/07/2020 17:01

Today, my husband and I got into a huge argument. He called me wasteful for throwing out old food. He insisted that you can simply pick the mold off and the food was perfectly fine. He’s going to kill our kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 635

You deserved it 192

By Artic - 12/04/2011 04:00 - United States

Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 519

You deserved it 15 960

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but…

By Anonymous - 22/03/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, it was my birthday. I'd told my wife i would love a new battery drill, finally getting a decent one after all these years, and picked out a few nice ones. I opened the present: another cheap off-brand drill. They "didn't have any of the ones I picked out", but this one came with free drill bits. All useless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 004

You deserved it 171

By damn you Ambien - 03/08/2016 05:48 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up to an angry and threatening email from a porn company. Apparently, I took a sleeping pill last night and wrote a nasty email to the company about how they mistreat women. The best part: I used a web contact form instead of an email, so I have absolutely no idea what I wrote. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 280

You deserved it 2 739

By Help Me - 18/01/2015 03:45 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I saw a little old lady trying to cross the street. I went over and tried to help her. Turned out she was actually just a really short young woman. As soon as I took her arm, she screamed in front of everyone and accused me of trying to molest her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 266

You deserved it 8 438

By 181999 - 14/09/2013 20:47 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment for the first time, only to see another girl walking out. I accused her of cheating with him and we got into a fight. Turns out I was at the wrong apartment. He lives next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 419

You deserved it 54 112

By ositsranielle - 13/02/2010 17:32 - United States

Today, while I was painting, my little nephew came in and started watching me. I left to clean my brushes. When I came back into the room, my nephew had spilled paint all over the carpet making a rainbow. It took me 5 hours to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 157

You deserved it 8 165

Gordon says you SUCK

By James - 01/04/2020 17:00

Today, my sister was so bored during the lockdown that she let me attempt to cook an omelette without turning the stove on, just so she had something amusing to watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 1 245

By Anonymous - 25/08/2015 06:49 - United States

Today, while in line at the supermarket, I told the lady behind me that she had a cute baby. She shot me a disgusted look and straight up accused me of being a pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 812

You deserved it 1 809

By cAtaLanbLoOd - 24/10/2013 06:06 - France - Perpignan

Today, a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. Knowing that I only had a couple left in my pack, I gave it to him. He opened it, took one out and thanked me profusely. A bit surprised, I went on my way. Oh yes, that's right, the pack contained the money I'd withdrawn from an ATM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 082

You deserved it 51 517

Fred Durst stan

By Deaf Biscuit - 26/08/2021 20:01

Today, my neighbour across the street has entered his ninth consecutive hour of playing Limp Bizkit at full blast. The only thing overriding my concern for his mental health is my sheer surprise that they have 9 hours of original music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 68

By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 21:27 - Canada

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 894

You deserved it 35 329

By Anonymous - 23/12/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter eating a handful of styrofoam packing pellets, because she thought they were Christmas candy. She's fourteen. What's next, eating rocks? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 231

You deserved it 4 883

By mr.nobody - 16/12/2011 14:59 - Cyprus

Today, after I sent around 300 entries to a competition hosted by a deodorant company where the main prize is a trip to Hawaii, spending around 5 hours sending the entries, I won a deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 406

You deserved it 36 871

By WhoLikesPie - 25/07/2015 15:51 - United States - Tampa

Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 225

You deserved it 2 081

By BrokeAF - 20/07/2017 05:01

Today, I had to empty out my coin jar to pay for gas. Trying to be considerate, I only brought quarters, but the cashier refused to take it because they didn't want to count out my $10. I don't know how I'll get to work today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 338

You deserved it 458

By monogamous - 28/10/2010 09:26 - Australia

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 316

You deserved it 4 770

By Kelly - 02/03/2009 23:38 - United States

Today, I went to get my underarms waxed. I'm usually not self-conscious because I figure they see worse stuff all the time. When I raised my arm for her to wax my armpit she looked at me, laughed and said "Well I guess that's how I know it's winter in Wisconsin!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 946

You deserved it 9 429

By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 20:30 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that my roommate secretly edited a paper I wrote and recently turned in, so that it repeatedly refers to the famed author "Kneel Gayman." I'm positive that's not how it's spelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 572

You deserved it 3 329

We're all that one person

By Foreveralone - 15/10/2019 00:01

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 523

You deserved it 150

By Tired - 12/01/2015 14:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I showed up to work at 6am, only to find out the schedule was changed. I wasn't actually supposed to be there until 9:15. My boss never told me this. I didn't get to go home either, he just said "Oh well. Get to work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 335

You deserved it 2 958

By "Brittney Anderson" - 24/03/2019 14:00

Today found out I need to have emergency surgery which is extremely convenient considering I'm literally supposed to be moving out of state in 2 days and my whole house is completely packed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 077

You deserved it 121

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting a young girl, I put on the movie Bambi, as she told me it was her favorite movie. I didn't know that her parents always skipped the scene where Bambi's mom dies. Despite my attempts to comfort her, she was still upset when her parents returned. Her mom blamed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 083

You deserved it 1 669

By Anonymous - 08/02/2016 17:43 - Austria

Today, I made a delicious casserole for dinner. Just as I was about to serve it, a bowl fell from the cupboard above, exploded on the counter and made it rain tiny, sharp glass shards on my food. I can't pick them all out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 827

You deserved it 1 775

By Goosey - 12/12/2009 17:26 - United States

Today, I was on Tiger TV, our high school's monthly TV program which was shown at lunch today. I was being interviewed and at one point the reporter made me laugh. I have a goose laugh so everyone in the lunch room started laughing. Then they played it in slow motion. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 463

You deserved it 4 226

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

JasonThorn 18

Send a private message

Sunday 12 April 2020 12:24

Hey, if she was amused instead of offended, that's a plus right there.

guitarherogeek 22

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2020 1:10

Not really an fml? Everybody has to go at somepoint.. plus she cared enough to check you were ok! She’s a keeper

Comments

JasonThorn 18

Send a private message

Sunday 12 April 2020 12:24

Hey, if she was amused instead of offended, that's a plus right there.

guitarherogeek 22

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2020 1:10

Not really an fml? Everybody has to go at somepoint.. plus she cared enough to check you were ok! She’s a keeper

Bendegit 4

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2020 4:37

That was exactly my thought.

diraven 15

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2020 6:05

Don't worry, once you're married you won't even bother closing the door.

icecreamisrad 13

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2020 11:41

This is why I always run the water when someone else is around haha

AmbrosiaFan 18

Send a private message

Friday 17 April 2020 23:28

SO instead of coming to the realization that everyone farts and poops/etc, you waste water.

mekiswrite 21

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2020 20:16

Plot twist: OP's neighbor from across the street sent the text.

Wadlaen 21

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2020 23:44

You've found one who's worthy of keeping!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 40

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 36