Back Rub Struggles

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

Rich people problems

In my day…

Car Wars

By levi69 - 18/5/2011 16:03 - United States

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Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

By kittkatt1 - 11/11/2013 01:52 - United States - Dearborn

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5472

Today, my boss reached over and yanked up my shirt right above my breasts while she said, "I'm all for flaunting it if you've got it, but don't reveal that much cleavage, there are dirty old men that work here." FML

By Anonymous - 15/9/2010 07:29 - United States

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Today, I found a hornet's nest in the backyard, so I called my brother over to take a look. He said "Hmm, wonder how fast you can run." then hurled a rock at the nest and sprinted back to the house. I wasn't so fast. I now feel like someone's beaten me half to death with a cactus. FML

By Anonymous - 24/12/2014 14:43 - United States - Herndon

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Today, I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru. Several minutes after sitting down, I felt something on my shoulder. Thinking it was a hand, I turned my head to look. I came face to face with a dirty man's crotch, it was his erection resting on my shoulder. FML

By gringa_Peru - 18/4/2009 01:19 - Peru

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Today, my boyfriend came out of the closet. In the middle of us having sex. FML

By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 00:11 - Canada - Toronto

Timing

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240

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

By elena02 - 21/11/2015 19:45 - United States - Wayne

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Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML

By Sisi - 29/8/2016 16:49 - United States - Mesa

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Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

By Chris - 13/2/2010 05:04 - United States

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Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. When I took a sip I found out he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML

By Thatkid - 18/2/2009 14:29 - Singapore

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Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

By buttcrack - 18/2/2010 05:31 - United States

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Today, I was texting a girl I like. Every message she sent came ten minutes after I sent her a message. When I told her "I've to go", she responded almost instantly with an "Ok, bye". FML

By AuraOfJustice - 12/3/2011 14:43 - United States

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Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML

By igotpride - 9/12/2013 21:01 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

By babymomma - 14/9/2009 14:13 - United States

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Today, I found out my boyfriend is bringing his friends on our trip. I'm now the third wheel on the romantic trip we've planned for a year. FML

By TheThirdWheel - 4/6/2013 19:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

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Today, I had to repeat my order in Starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest. FML

By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 04:30 - Ireland

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Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

By anonymous - 16/11/2009 06:00 - Japan

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Today, I learned something new. I knew that ripening apples release some kind of gas that affects other fruit. But I learned that apparently, it can also affect living plants. Meaning that if you keep a windfall of apples in the same room as a potted rose, the rose will die. FML

By Anonymous - 22/8/2019 02:00

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Today, I found out my parents are divorcing and my mom is moving out. I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Breaking the news should be fun. FML

By 19collegestudentandpregant - 26/9/2014 22:07 - United States - Loretto

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Today, I was sitting shotgun in the car. A huge bug came inside, and everyone began to freak out so naturally I began to swat at it. I got the fly, but I also cracked the windshield. I paid $229 to kill a bug. FML

By ferrarismyname - 9/4/2009 06:40 - United States

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Today, after taking my little niece out onto the balcony of her family's new apartment to enjoy the view, we watched as a man jay-walked across the street down below and was run over by a car. My niece is pretty much traumatized for life now. FML

By scarredforlife - 3/10/2015 01:13 - Canada - Edmonton

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Today, my boss asked me what language I was speaking. I was clearly speaking English, but apparently, "indifferent" is too big a word for him to understand. I don't know how he got into a management position. FML

By snarly1 - 6/12/2011 08:57 - United States

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Today, I found my dead phone that had been missing for two weeks. I turned it on to see that I had only gotten 2 text messages during the two weeks. They were both from my mother. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2011 06:57 - United States

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Today, my 2-year-old daughter and my 27-year-old husband both woke me up in the early hours of the morning. Their complaints were the same: they'd both wet the bed. FML

By sickness and health my sphincter - 22/3/2013 21:53 - Singapore - Singapore

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Today, my brother thought it'd be hilarious to tease a group of Pokémon players. They thought it'd be hilarious to beat both our asses. FML

By pokeOww - 13/9/2019 22:00

Dash!

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Today, my dad and I had a yelling match about me "lying", because I was unable to contact iTunes support without a phone number. To prove a point, he went online to find the phone number. It's been an hour and he's still searching for the number. I can't leave the table until he has found it. FML

By SeriouslyDad - 22/9/2013 13:57 - United States - Waxhaw

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Today, my best friend confessed to having feelings for me. I've been in love with her for a long time, so I was ecstatic. She doesn't see herself ever going out with me, though, because she's a couple of inches taller and can't imagine herself "towering" over her man. FML

By falling short - 20/3/2015 15:26 - India - Mumbai

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Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML

By MakesMeLol - 18/1/2012 22:30 - Ireland

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Today, while I was cooking, my dogs were messing around behind me. I suddenly felt a painful bite on my ass cheek and instinctively kicked back. I then realized it was my 3-year-old daughter, who was laying on the floor crying with a nose bleed. FML

By AnHoneyMouse - 12/5/2017 02:00

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Today, my cat followed me into the bathroom. While I was showering, he knocked over the storage shelf behind the toilet. The shelf was the perfect length to wedge the shower door completely closed. No one was home so I had to climb over my tall shower door all slippery and naked. FML

By DeadlyKitten - 20/2/2017 05:00 - United States - Springfield

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Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML

By wetdreams - 5/2/2012 00:35 - Canada

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Today, I went into a crowded store and tried out a blazer. I was thinking to myself how hot I looked in it when the manager tapped me on the shoulder and politely said, "Excuse me sir, that's a ladies' blazer." FML

By Fred - 5/8/2011 05:45 - Japan

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Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML

By Judy69 - 7/4/2012 07:04 - United States - Dekalb

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Today, my boyfriend had the very expensive watch he got me for Xmas resized. I dropped it trying to put it on and shattered the glass. The warranty won't cover it because of the adjustments made. FML

By watchyoself - 28/12/2016 21:45 - United States - Miami

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Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival company happens to be called my exact name. I'm now known as "The Spy". FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2015 20:44 - United Kingdom - Hampton Hill

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Today, my son laughed at me when I tried to get him to put a bit more effort into his schoolwork. His grandmother had kindly given him all my shitty school reports from when I was his age. FML

By fataldisease - 11/12/2008 12:21 - France

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Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 07:08 - United States

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Today, I decided to pull some weeds in my backyard. Everything was going great until I got a concussion. My dog thought that it would be fun to headbutt me from a running start. Twice. FML

By Lee - 10/4/2012 03:50 - United States

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Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

By ismerf19 - 22/12/2010 00:05

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Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

By urgg - 5/9/2010 14:20 - United States

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