Back Rub Struggles

Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Relationships sink

Honesty is the best policy

By Señor Guapo - United States

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Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

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3830

Today, I found out that if I say "make a sandwich", it doesn't matter what context it's in, or whether it's a command or just me describing my day; I'll be yelled at anyway by my hipster roommate for being a "sexist cunt", then end up apologizing just to get her to shut up. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

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Today, I was sitting on the bus and as I'm quite short my legs were dangling. Some guy, who wasn't looking where he was going, tripped over my foot and went flying. He and everyone else on the bus glared at me like it was deliberate. The man next to me even changed seats in disgust. FML

By Whoopsie - United States

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Today, I found out my daughter has a higher paid job in the same company I work in. I also found out she is dating my boss. FML

By Anonymous - Indonesia

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Today, I was driving and a cute guy was staring at me. Flattered, I smiled at him, but he didn't even react. I realized he wasn't admiring me he was admiring my truck. This is the 5th time this week. My truck gets more game than I do. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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7757

Today, my pregnant girlfriend and I moved into our first home together, signing a 1-year lease. Less than 12 hours later, we've discovered that the place is infested with cockroaches and we have a mouse. The landlord won't let us out of the contract. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. Or it's going in your eye.' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously. FML

By kit_kat14 - United Kingdom

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Today, I ran out of moving boxes so I used a few garbage bags to pack up my clothes. My new roommate decided to be helpful by putting those green garbage bags in the dumpster. It was garbage day. FML

By kmjlevesque - 3/6/2020 02:00

Bye bye clothes

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Today, I was on my way to class and it was muddy outside, so I slipped and it looks like I shit myself. I'm wearing white pants. FML

By mud - United States - Raleigh

Slippy!

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Today, I was cleaning the bathrooms at work. An older gentlemen came in and needed to use it. He said to me "Oh no, PLEASE stay, just don't look." I don't get paid enough for this. FML

By sarad206 - United States

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Today, I told my boyfriend how happy I was with him. He responded by pulling down his pants and slapping his ass. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. FML

By neuroticallyours - United States

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Today, I dressed up, went over to my boyfriend and told him he could do anything he wanted. He said nothing and walked outside. I figured he'd come back in shortly, but when I looked out the window a few minutes later, he was building a snowman. FML

By dollybabe - Ireland

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11646

Today, I got excited because I found a chat line for teens who are dealing with depression. I signed up and was about to enter the chat room and then a message popped up that said ''Sorry this is only available for teens in the United Kingdom.'' FML

By Hannah - United States

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Today, I found out that apparently the pipes for my toilet were never connected, so anything you flush just falls out onto the basement floor downstairs. I've lived here 4 years. FML

By Loose Ends - United States - Waltham

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Today, I discovered my new step-dad has a rule about the shower. After three minutes, he turns the water off at the source. I had to beg him to turn it back on whilst covered in shampoo suds, and the only way I could get him to give me another minute was to forfeit my phone for the week. FML

By ruserious - Australia - Sydney

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Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me a Paul Frank t-shirt. It says "I'm single." FML

By happybirthday - United Kingdom

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Today, my supervisor was in a leadership meeting pulling random calls for quality. Mine was chosen. He got excited and told them my stats and how I put him to shame with how I drive my team, that I'm the best and this call is going to be amazing. I was then written up for arguing with a customer. FML

By bl3ur0z3

The luck of the draw

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Today, I was told that I will never be able to have children. Thankfully for my husband, his girlfriend sure can. FML

By sosad

53300

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Today, I had a coffee date. The guy was waiting with coffee to meet me on the patio. I walked up to him, caught my favorite pendant necklace on the table, broke the necklace trying to get it free, and rattled the table so intensely that the guy's coffee spilled all over him. FML

By vintage_vogue - United States

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Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, a man walked into the bank I work at and asked what he would need in order to open an account. I had to look him in the eyes with a straight face, say, "Two pieces of identification," and ask him to put some pants on. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Whitecourt

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Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

By Mike - United States

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Today, I was driving down the road when I got to a red light. I looked over and saw a hot chick in a convertible so I spoke to my window thinking she couldn't hear me "Hey girl, I may have a tiny dick but I make up for it in speed and stamina." She looked over. I forgot about the sunroof. FML

By Smash_Mouth - United States

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Today, I found out that my 'dad', the man who couldn't afford to buy me a bed, despite sleeping on the floor for 3+ years, has spent well over $3000 on sex chat lines, as well as cheating us out of child payments. He doesn't understand why I refuse to talk to him. FML

By littl3storm - 11/7/2020 08:08

Dad of the month

1999

Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML

By mysterygurll1234567 - United States

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Today, I found out I have a bad singing voice. How? The choir judge decided to yell "STOP! Please just stop!" During my solo. In front of everyone. During the show. FML

By Anonymous

And next on The Voice…

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Today, I was woken up at 6am to the sound of my mother on the back deck of the house hooting like an owl. FML

By tireedddddd - United States

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Today, I was forced to attend a fire safety class, as required by my job. Last year, I completed the fire academy as a volunteer fireman. The class was not only insulting, but wrong in many ways. I got kicked out for pointing them out. I now have to take it again, or be fired. FML

By peeved - United States

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Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. He laughed at me and said, "That's hilarious because I was going to ask you if you could take a pay cut!" FML

By corey - United States

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Today, in a drunken state, I decided that it would be a good idea to shave with a pizza cutter. FML

By Darwin_Award_Winner - United States - Beaumont

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Today, while I was cleaning out my son's room, I came across his diary. Opening it out of curiosity, I found ramblings about how blacks, Jews, and other "inferior breeds" should be forcibly sterilized "for the common good." FML

By Ugh - United States - Dublin

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Today, my girlfriend told me that she doesn't want a physical relationship, but an emotional one instead. I said that I was fine with that, as long as we talked things through in the future. She dumped me there and then, because "no straight guy would agree to that." FML

By EmoToyBoy - 30/4/2020 14:00

Spiritual connection

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Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

By blaahh - United States

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Today, the abandoned cat that I took in for the night and during bad weather seems to have spread fleas around my house. They're everywhere. FML

By jesspie - United Kingdom

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Today, I landed in Hawaii for my vacation. I have a really bad ear infection, and to top my day off, my girlfriend blurted out mid-flight that she thinks we're not going to work out. Aloha! FML

By aloha - France

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Today, my pet bunny died. My little sister is distraught and practically suicidal, because apparently she playfully pointed a wand at it a few days ago and said "avada kedavra". She's absolutely convinced that she killed it. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

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Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

By Emily - United States

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Today, my mother yelled at me for not doing all of my homework. She got so mad, she tore up a drawing I'd spent over a week working on. That was my art homework. FML

By StillPissedOffAtIrony - United States - Hialeah

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