Miscellaneous: Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband...

By anonymous - 10/11/2016 14:29 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 726

You deserved it 751

Miscellaneous

Late term

Scratch that itch

The Good Life

By JustLeaveThem - 25/01/2017 18:00

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 657

You deserved it 268

By chessgeeksam - 14/03/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I learned that the surprise party thrown for my girlfriend's 19th birthday was wonderful and she couldn't be happier. Except that I didn't show up. Apparently 40 people were invited but I wasn't one of them. We've been going out for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 325

You deserved it 4 036

By Forgetful godmother - 14/03/2019 16:00

Today, I learned that my son’s godmother forgot about the baptism date and booked a family holiday to Italy. Her mother is also on the trip and she is the officiant. I gave them both the date over 6 months ago. Everything is already booked on our side for that date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 118

You deserved it 249

By ID10t - 10/11/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 797

You deserved it 53 753

By Weter - 30/01/2009 11:30 - United States

Today, I fell flat on my ass while running for the subway. Made it on only to find out that it was standing by for ten minutes. I then got to ride all the way to work with a train full of people who watched me fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 872

You deserved it 3 431

By rufusthepenis - 02/10/2011 22:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 996

You deserved it 4 807

Effective

By zstarr - 14/07/2012 11:15 - United States - Rome

Today, I realized my boyfriend uses sex as a way to get me to stop talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 559

You deserved it 32 278

By sliceddice - 10/03/2010 16:08 - Denmark

Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 392

You deserved it 3 718

By gemtas5 - 21/09/2013 17:28 - Sweden - Malm?

Today, while sorting through my clothes, I found one of my ex's old sweaters. After a lot of thought and difficulty, I threw it out. I felt empowered, until my father later rifled through my trash and claimed the sweater for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 556

You deserved it 3 943

By whygod - 12/06/2016 13:45

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old sister, naked, streaming herself eating a banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 237

You deserved it 1 384

By fulloshit - 28/11/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 991

You deserved it 4 570

Wig out

By Anonymous - 28/09/2019 18:00

Today, a little girl asked me if I was wearing a toupee. It's my real hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 321

You deserved it 140

By ifmlftw - 22/06/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 020

You deserved it 3 047

By Username - 23/03/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I was playing with my dog. His bouncy ball rolled under the couch, and I got on my hands and knees to get it. He decided it would be a good chance to hump the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 837

You deserved it 11 749

By walker - 04/10/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 792

You deserved it 3 801

By Shopgirl - 06/08/2009 13:14 - Australia

Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 304

You deserved it 4 417

Hazing rituals

By newguy - 29/08/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, it's my third day at work and the hazing finally began. After a few rounds of "punch the new guy", I thought I would finally be safe because the manager walked into the kitchen. He saw what was going on, picked up a handful of ketchup packets, and began throwing them at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 110

You deserved it 4 786

By Anonymous - 08/05/2012 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was at my job life-guarding, when a woman pushed the spine-board over, hitting me on the back of my head. She laughed, but I now have a concussion and a stiff neck, and my co-workers can't stop laughing at the "irony." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 657

You deserved it 1 726

Yeah, that's the same

By Iabnysmwytm - 29/07/2020 14:01

Today, we were talking about discrimination. I shared my story of being denied housing and a job offer because I'm trans. Some doofus tried to compare it to the time he was denied a car loan due to not having credit history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 536

You deserved it 656

By loner - 07/06/2009 12:28 - United States

Today, I was sitting in class when the most popular girl in my grade came up to me holding birthday invitation cards. I've never been invited to a birthday party, so I was so excited when she handed me a card only to hear her say, "Mary is on your bus, will you give this to her?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 257

You deserved it 4 693

Hole for life

By AAA - 11/02/2021 11:01

Today, I got a new piercing because I was trying to be spontaneous. Now, I realize its placement is off and I hate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 915

By Wex - 09/01/2009 09:02 - Chile

Today, I went to the UK for the first time, and had the most amazing time with my girlfriend, catching it all on tape. When I got back to South America, I realized someone had stolen my camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 870

You deserved it 2 641

By electricpuddle - 25/04/2011 01:11

Today, while letting horses out to switch pasture, one ran at me, sending me through the electric fence and into a mud puddle. Wrapped in electric fence, I sat in that electric mud puddle, screaming every time it shocked me. Help arrived, once they'd had a good long laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 756

You deserved it 4 023

By motherdearest - 21/03/2009 23:18 - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 207

You deserved it 6 950

By Anonymous - 13/07/2013 16:16 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my kids. It was fun, and led to some mock fights. My neighbor, who despises me for being a single mother, used it as an excuse to call the cops on me for "abusing" my kids. They were too confused to do anything but nod at the officer's accusing questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 104

You deserved it 3 618

By Sorry - 02/10/2014 23:51 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to my parents for the "hassle" of "having" to arrange a simple birthday dinner. Sorry I was born, guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 205

You deserved it 3 248

By anonymous - 24/10/2014 01:25 - United States - West Babylon

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 274

You deserved it 7 163

Adding insult to injury

By SomeExplainingToDo - 04/09/2017 04:30

Today, I sent a polite yet strongly-worded email to one of my corporate clients in which I expressed my irritation at being asked the same question by the same team for the 4th day in a row. I ended it with "Regards!" but accidentally swapped the 'g' with a 't'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 436

You deserved it 1 720

By TheAce44 - 26/07/2015 04:38 - United States - Davison

Today, my friend told me that Otter Box phone cases protect the phone whether it's thrown or just dropped. I disagreed. He then threw his phone across the room into a cement wall to prove it. The phone's screen was completely shattered and now he thinks I owe him a new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 398

You deserved it 2 803

Dishwasher pod challenged

By Anonymous - 11/11/2021 23:00

Today, after submitting a work order to our landlord due to our dishwasher being “broken”, my roommate and I found out there is a wrong way to put dishwasher pods in. We’re both 25 and have gone our whole lives not knowing this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 295

You deserved it 758

By Foosa801 - 25/12/2016 23:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 281

You deserved it 1 924

Cloth ears

By Chad - 10/09/2020 04:02 - United States - Norfolk

Today, my hubby asked me what we were doing for dinner. He'd already asked me twice and each time I responded, he said, "Sounds good." He has no idea why I feel like he doesn't listen to me. He's been doing this shit for 12 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 460

You deserved it 298

By AnxietyGirl - 24/09/2012 07:18 - United States - Parker

Today, I had to admit that I desperately need anti-anxiety medication. Apparently, when you walk around a grocery store avoiding eye contact and generally acting "sketchy", management will call the police on you, who will then pat you down to be sure you aren't shoplifting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 528

You deserved it 2 535

By NOOOOOO - 16/08/2015 23:18 - United States

Today, my only pair of shoes that I brought got stolen at the airport while I was being checked by security. I'm now stuck 1000 miles from home with no shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 086

You deserved it 2 465

By Fatty - 17/05/2011 02:12 - Canada

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 167

You deserved it 16 028

By Anonymous - 05/02/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, one of my friends pointed out I'm starting to get a mustache! - "You're finally a man!" To bad it's my 15th birthday, and I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 121

You deserved it 3 563

By cat whisperer - 20/03/2014 04:31 - United States

Today, on my way to Burger King I got into a heated discussion with my wife about our cats. We have 15 rescues, and I've reached my limit. Guess what came running up to my car while waiting in the drive-through. We named him Pickles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 887

You deserved it 10 648

Earthquake sneezer

By Noname - 27/01/2009 00:02 - Japan

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 690

You deserved it 2 803

By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 02:56 - United States

Today, I learned that scorpions can apparently hold their breath for hours, and that doing so makes them angry. I found this out when I removed a scorpion from the bottom of my pool and found that it was not entirely drowned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 576

You deserved it 2 628

By onepussytwopussy - 07/03/2014 19:47 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 073

You deserved it 26 164

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Top comments

dblogic 19

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Thursday 10 November 2016 18:54

I'd be tempted to testify truthfully and let them throw her in the slammer...or slap with a huge fine...or whatever penalty she's up against. Your husband shouldn't be blackmailing you with your own marriage. WOW.

crazy_bananas 31

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Thursday 10 November 2016 18:55

What the fuck. Don't listen to your idiot of a husband. If you get caught lying then you face serious prison time and a hefty fine, as lying in court is a federal offense.

dblogic 19

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Thursday 10 November 2016 18:54

usnwife 18

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Thursday 10 November 2016 20:03

Be tempted? No question about it, Id be truthful, and be filing divorce papers myself!

PenguinsLaugh 24

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Thursday 10 November 2016 23:50

Tempted? I don't know how you could be considering lying under oath. Sounds like your MiL is a piece of work, anyways. Tell the truth and work it out with your husband after.

dblogic 19

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Saturday 12 November 2016 2:15

Yes, folks, I said tempted. One of the funny things about language is that many words in English can have several expressions. The standard meaning of tempted would be: "entice or attempt to entice (someone) to do or acquire something that they find attractive but know to be wrong or not beneficial". Another meaning is: "have an urge or inclination to do something". So please, relax people. If it makes you feel better: I'd be inclined to or have the urge to testify truthfully & throw the bitch in the slammer.

crazy_bananas 31

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Thursday 10 November 2016 18:55

What the fuck. Don't listen to your idiot of a husband. If you get caught lying then you face serious prison time and a hefty fine, as lying in court is a federal offense.

peckerbeak22 14

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Friday 11 November 2016 9:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Colon_Man 17

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Saturday 12 November 2016 16:11

It's too bad we can't continue voting once a reply gets too many down votes. I'd help you climb out of your deficit, peckerbeak.

chirstinap325 21

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Thursday 10 November 2016 18:59

Might of missed something, but if you don't lie you get divorced (win if ya ask me) and she goes to the slammer, if you do lie then you don't get divorced and she's potentially free, so sounds like either way it's a win-lose situation to her.. Either she's free and you're her daughter and law or she's in jail and you aren't. Idk lol

chirstinap325 21

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Thursday 10 November 2016 19:04

Ahhhh thank you went completely over my head

DMo42 11

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Friday 11 November 2016 1:42

I was thinking the same thing. I read it again to make sure.

TomNap 5

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Tuesday 15 November 2016 20:22

Yeah I completely missed that as well.

coolmike699 26

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Thursday 10 November 2016 18:59

Fuck your husband.

cranberries_fml 17

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Thursday 10 November 2016 19:03

No that would be positive reinforcement

Elric333 6

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Thursday 10 November 2016 19:01

Doesn't sound like either is worth a crap...tell the truth, it will set you free (of a crap in-law & spouse) !

socialproduct 19

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Thursday 10 November 2016 19:02

I always thought you couldn't be required to testify against your family for this exact reason. You're forced to choose between betraying your relatives or committing perjury. Maybe that doesn't extend to in-laws?

Misguided_Wrath 12

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Thursday 10 November 2016 19:44

You cant be compelled to testify against your spouse, you can volunteer to. But as far as the rest of your family, they can absolutely compell you.

mariri9206 32

Friday 11 November 2016 19:56

It's Spousal Privilege, not Familial Privilege. :)

chirstinap325 21

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Thursday 10 November 2016 19:07

Divorce that scum though. Don't like to jump to that but that's redic. FML community will throw ya a party. :)

janfleury 19

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Thursday 10 November 2016 19:11

Any time in a marriage that type of ultimation is delivered is a bad thing. Talk to him without mother-in-law around and see if that is his real stand. Ask him if he would really want you to lie under oath and possibly get in trouble for purjury. If his answer is yes then you have some thinking to do. Do you lie (comprising your morals, possibly getting into serious trouble and giving into blackmail) or do you tell the truth and loose your marriage. I personally think that a good husband/marriage would not of placed you in that position to start with. My husband would never ask me to do something like that.

Zarnaik 5

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Thursday 10 November 2016 19:15

You shouldn't be with him then

Geckosrock99 33

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Thursday 10 November 2016 19:20

Tell the truth, OP. You could also tell them that your husband tried blackmailing you into lying under oath. Teach them they can't do whatever they want and get away with it.