Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been... - FML

By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 19:01 - United States

Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been away at college and I haven't seen them since Christmas. Almost as soon as I walked in the door, my mom had me clean the living room area, clean up cat vomit, and do the dishes. Thanks guys... I missed you too. FML

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Tidy your room

Abuse

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By single and unbuggered - 31/7/2015 21:04 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He didn't break down into tears, or say he'd made a huge mistake, or even apologise. No, he just looked up and said "Bugger." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 00:39 - United States

Today, I broke a nail at school. The edge kept getting caught on things, so I thought I could file it down by rubbing it on my jeans. Apparently it looked like I was doing something else, because I was called into the principal's office to discuss why "certain things" should be done in private. FML

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By deadman - 9/7/2012 18:25 - United Kingdom - Market Harborough

Today, I'm having heart surgery. The doc came in, donut in one hand and papers in another. While I was filling them out, his hands kept trembling, and he dropped the donut on the floor. He fumbled to pick it up and kept eating. The guy I'm entrusting my life to doesn't even respect the five-second rule. FML

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By Anonyname - 18/5/2014 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned brood mare." FML

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By bluewinter - 23/5/2009 10:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sister's friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

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By Weedle - 4/6/2019 20:00

Today, I was at my brother's graduation. His mom was taking pictures of him in his cap and gown, but she got a picture of me sucking off a Coke bottle for a laugh, and she posted it on Facebook. FML

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By whatislife1969 - 8/10/2017 04:30

Today, my work had an employee party at the park and I drank a little too much vodka. Towards the end of the party, I found myself making out with a tree in front of all my co-workers. FML

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By Tiff676 - 16/8/2009 04:31 - Canada

Today, I was working at the theater as an Usher. A man comes up to me and gives me his ticket. At the same time, he takes a sip of water and suddenly felt the need to sneeze. The water came out from his nose and landed all over my face. I was covered with his mucus and had to wish him a good movie. FML

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By Goki - 6/6/2009 16:23 - Canada

Today, I was shopping at Shoppers Drug Mart with my mom. As we pulled up to the cashier, I noticed it was a really hot girl from my school. Trying to be cool, I told my mom that I'll be paying for the purchases. My debit card was denied. My mom had to pay. FML

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By scaredtosleep - 24/9/2009 09:50 - United Kingdom

Today, the weird receptionist at the hotel I'm staying at asked me if I needed an extra blanket because I "looked cold in my sleep last night". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I started my first day of work. I was told to absorb everything going on and to get used to the high-paced flow of things. I've been sitting at my desk for two hours now, and the office has been empty since I've walked in. FML

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By cubs44fan - 4/3/2014 23:25 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had the most intelligent conversation I've ever had with my boyfriend. He was getting really in-depth about subjects like biotechnology and gamma radiation. I soon realized he was only referring to the Incredible Hulk. FML

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By lene - 17/2/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, the 9th grade dean called me into his office to talk. He asked me if I was new because it seemed like I was having trouble making friends. I've been going to the same school, with the same people, since kindergarten. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2013 10:51 - United States - Irvine

Today, my dad and I had an hour-long conversation. When he was getting up to leave my room he said, "Good talk Chelsey." My sister is Chelsey. So I corrected him. He thought I was joking. My father can't tell my sister and I apart. We are not twins. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 22:02 - United States

Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2010 10:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother gave me a sex talk on how I should take "precautions", right in the middle of a packed bus station. I'm 21. FML

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By shylahrc - 3/5/2014 23:51 - United States

Today, my mom discovered a new way to get over her breakup: yodelling. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2011 00:01 - United States

Today, I found out where a few of my favorite outfits went. My mother had taken them out of my closet, wrapped them, and given them to my cousin as a gift. FML

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By livingstonjamie - 13/1/2015 08:28 - Australia - Hampton

Today, a council worker showed up on my doorstep for the final pool installation inspection, which was scheduled 10 years ago. FML

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By helen - 10/5/2011 03:44

Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up whenever I see something cool. I work on computers in front of people all day. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 02:01

Unhappy Birthday

Today, none of my family was at home. Turns out my one of my aunts was having a birthday party and all my relatives went, but nobody told me because they don’t like me coming around. FML

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By bodyelectric - 13/4/2009 12:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML

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By Sarah-grace - 17/5/2016 22:20 - United States - Benton

Today, I was dumping some old milk in the sink and noticed it wasn't going down. Assuming food was clogging the drain, I stuck my hand down in it to remove the food. I removed a blueberry and half a cockroach. FML

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By horribleday - 20/6/2017 09:00 - United States - Ozark

Today, my husband stood me up for his birthday dinner, that I'd made, in our house. FML

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By bojangles - 28/2/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I don't like his facial hair and that he should shave it off. He replied, "You first." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 06:43 - United States - Woodinville

Today, my wife knows tattoos are a huge turnoff for me. She decided the best way to change my mind about them would be to get one. Across her neck. Of our dog's name. FML

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By AmyLeigh - 26/8/2012 04:18 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took my puppy for a walk around town. I had to stop and explain to several people that yes, his head was purple because my little sister wanted to make him look like a Na'vi from Avatar. FML

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By freckleboy422 - 31/1/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 09:39 - New Zealand

Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated I pushed 'ignore' and yelled a string of obscenities at my phone. Turns out I pushed 'talk'. FML

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By thanks mom - 3/5/2019 14:00

Today, after 10 years of intense training, I earned a black belt in karate. When I told my mom, she asked how long it took me, then laughed and sarcastically remarked, "Wow. SO impressive," whilst slow-clapping. FML

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By crushedsoul - 5/11/2015 21:34 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I attended my school's special invitation-only awards ceremony, relieved that I was getting a much-needed scholarship. I watched all my friends go up and win scholarships. In the end, I only got a certificate for doing well on the PSAT. My whole family showed up for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2015 13:47 - United States

Today, I was feeling pretty, so I wore a skirt for the first time in years. Two hours later, my thighs hurt from slapping together so much. I no longer feel pretty. FML

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By dahs - 3/4/2011 11:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend pulled on my pubes and made 'engine starting' noises. This was his attempt at foreplay. FML

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By shampoogirl - 26/8/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, I finally landed a new job, and thinking he would be proud, I told my boyfriend. Instead of congratulating me, he got mad that my work hours include Saturday, his laundry day. FML

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By rebeccacaissie - 21/11/2010 18:16 - United States

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2013 09:06 - United States

Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML

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By nickthetank - 31/12/2011 09:21 - Canada

Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML

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By smileydays - 29/1/2014 03:09 - Canada - Merritt

Today, I had an oral English exam to present in front of three teachers. Halfway through, I completely lost my voice. They failed me because they thought I was trying to play a prank. FML

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By Shocked - 17/7/2009 19:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I exchanged promise rings. I promised that I would stay committed to him and that he was the only one for me. He promised that he would stop seeing other woman behind my back. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By JJ101 - 19/2/2010 11:52 - Australia

Today, I was teaching a special techniques class for ballet and was focusing on pirouettes. I was teaching a group of 8 year olds, and one student could do perfect triple turns one after the other. I still can't do them, and I've been dancing for 15 years. FML

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Top comments

By nutmeg29 | 0

#943914 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:50

My mom does the same thing. While I'm away she'll talk about how much she misses me and wants me to come home, and when I do come home she doesn't even wait ten minutes to give me her "to do" list.

By lucidlucia | 0

#943805 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:28

never come back. that'll teach um.

COMMENTS

By abcnonamecba | 0

#943780 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:25

first yay woot

By mcgugs | 0

#943781 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:25

first :p

Reply

YourEvilHero | 12

#944066 - Sunday 14 March 2010 0:47

me ttooooooooo

Reply

StoryOfTheWeek | 0

#944305 - Sunday 14 March 2010 1:56

that is actually what would happen with my family, finally come back and they drop a bomb like that

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#944384 - Sunday 14 March 2010 2:17

The lesson here? DON'T GO HOME

Reply

cause_DESTRUCTIO | 0

#944394 - Sunday 14 March 2010 2:20

that sucks ass

Reply

beau11 | 0

#944569 - Sunday 14 March 2010 3:36

that's funny what 59 said

Reply

ladykat | 0

#944761 - Sunday 14 March 2010 4:56

That's just your familys way of saying "we miss having you around" or "you're great at cleaning"!

Reply

ggggiggity | 0

#944798 - Sunday 14 March 2010 5:13

you mean i wasnt supposed to ask my kids to do this when they came home for spring break? oops my bad lol

Reply

Betz | 10

#944984 - Sunday 14 March 2010 6:41

Well what did you expect? The dishes could wait but the cat vomit's been there since christmas!

Reply

Peacemaker9 | 7

#945139 - Sunday 14 March 2010 8:15

nothing like a good ol welcome home present........

Reply

johndoe20 | 0

#948282 - Monday 15 March 2010 3:32

I got home for my spring break to clean the grout between the tile floors if my house. between the kitchen, dining room, and bathrooms, that's almost 2000 sq ft.

Reply

UberFail79 | 0

#949078 - Monday 15 March 2010 8:55

You're welcome, OP. Now, go get a sex change and make me a sammich.

Reply

charlie_schmidt4 | 0

#950941 - Monday 15 March 2010 21:56

get off the computer and clean, jackass

Reply

vendel | 0

#986240 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 7:42

anybody who put ydi on this one has no life

By george456 | 0

#943782 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:25

sucks

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#943823 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:30

The lesson here? DON'T GO HOME

Reply

xoconnie | 8

#943900 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:47

ha ha...
its ok, u gotta help outtttt

Reply

Boots1017 | 0

#943945 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:58

time to spend breaks away from home.

Reply

z620 | 0

#952103 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:03

they probly just left the cat puke for u

By Person1233 | 12

#943783 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:26

YDI for expecting affection. You're a guy, man up.

Reply

zac12345 | 0

#944101 - Sunday 14 March 2010 1:04

ffffffffffffffail

Reply

WhatANoob | 0

#945102 - Sunday 14 March 2010 7:46

Idiot. it IS a boy.

By daviesha | 0

#943793 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:26

could be worse they could have waited for you to come home to clean like my mom did between thanksgiving and Christmas

By paul924 | 0

#943797 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:27

dumb ass FML!! so fuckin stupid!!

By mcgugs | 0

#943803 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:28

aww, we haz a cranky mod around? (whoever deleted my post, i'm talking to you)

By lucidlucia | 0

#943805 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:28

never come back. that'll teach um.

By xxbananamagic | 0

#943807 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:28

welcome to family life.. did u expect them to suck your d?

Reply

ladykat | 0

#944747 - Sunday 14 March 2010 4:49

Mercy how is that NOT creepy? :X haha

By thatoneGeo | 0

#943814 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:29

stop being a delicate little fruit and just take it