Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been away at college and I haven't seen them since Christmas. Almost as soon as I walked in the door, my mom had me clean the living room area, clean up cat vomit, and do the dishes. Thanks guys... I missed you too. FML

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The View

Deadly cocktail

Great quality control

By Awkward - Bahrain

Today, while lighting a cigarette, I learned the hard way that the amount of styling mousse I used to get my curly hair to become manageable, is the roughly same amount that causes it to become highly flammable. FML

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By fme

Today, my cousin came to visit from Texas. It would have been great if he hadn't groped me and whispered "incest isn't illegal" when he saw me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I needed to buy Vagisil. I went to the grocery store so I could use the self check-out. My item rung up incorrectly, so a girl came to help. She was new and having trouble, so she called more people to help. I ended up having five people around me talking about my Vagisil purchase. FML

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By cigarettes - United States

Today, I was having sex when a cigarette craving came on. I don't know what's worse, the fact I asked for a cigarette break in the middle of sex or I last that long. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I was telling my dad how my boyfriend dumped me yesterday. He responded by blowing his nose into his hand, wiping it in my hair, then saying "There, a REAL problem to whine about." FML

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By Zoe123 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

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By Anonymous

It's the new thing!

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

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By 504-A1 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. Trying to be sexy, I told him what I was doing with my vibrator. I heard a loud bang, followed by him shouting, "Why don't you just fucking marry it, then?!" and then hanging up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me 'yummy pictures.' I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

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By caughtorangehanded - United States

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

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By TiredMom - United States

Today, after finally getting my newborn baby to sleep, I made a sign to put on the door asking people not to knock or ring the bell, since our 3 dogs will bark loudly and wake the baby. When I went to print the sign, my dogs barked like crazy at the sound of the printer. FML

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By John - United States

Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got excited because I found Monsters University and The Croods online, neither of which I've seen. I'm 33, single, and it's Saturday night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my 15-year-old daughter stripping on Skype for strangers. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

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By handygirl - 31/1/2020 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

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By Loved

Today, my boyfriend bought me an engagement ring. It turned out to be the wrong size and we had to return it, since the store said it couldn't be re-sized. As we headed home, I felt guilty, so I turned to him and apologized. His response? "It's OK honey, I didn't really want to marry you that much anyway." FML

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By unluckymiss - United States

Today, I was at the store when I ran into an old friend from high school. He didn't recognize me at first, but when I told him who I was, he instantly shouted "Oh! Yeah! The fat chick from Mr. H's class!" FML

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By disappointed - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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By Anonymous

He's a very naughty boy

Today, I found out that my roommate is starting a religion in which he doesn't believe in humanly things, such as paying rent. FML

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By Tragics - Canada

Today, my date sent me a text saying "I'm sorry we're running late, we will be there shortly." I replied asking what she meant by "we". She said her parents, who were coming along to chaperone. I laughed about two 27 year olds having chaperones, until she walked in with her parents. FML

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By NotSoAnon - United States

Today, I was painting my room. I told my mom not to open the door because I was on a ladder just behind it, with a paint can perched atop. She barged in to ask me what I'd said. FML

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By Username - France

Today, the guy that I have been seeing for over a year left on a business trip. While straightening out his room as a favor, I noticed he took his condoms with him. FML

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By coral - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

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By noname - France

Today, when I came home, my daughter's baby-sitter was busy smelling my thongs. FML

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By CompleteWithPictures - United States

Today, I was having dinner with some friends at an Applebees. I couldn't decide on what I wanted, and after about 10 minutes of me flipping through the menu, our waiter brings over the braille menu complete with gigantic pictures of all the dishes and says "Here, I thought this might help." FML

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By Rydia - 31/10/2020 05:01

Love is in the air

Today, my fiancé hugged me so tight that I couldn't move, said he loved me, let out a loud, obnoxious and smelly fart cloud and made me breathe it in. FML

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By JC - United States - Villa Ridge

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

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By Partyofthree

Today, I work at a private pool where I can get up to six people in for free. Naturally, I invited my crush. She brought her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were getting it on when we heard a little giggle. I put on my robe and looked outside my room to find that no one was there. So we continued. I later called my seven year old son and out he came crawling from under the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

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By Eric Forrest - United States

Today, while at a work meeting, I finally summoned up the courage to share and express my opinions about unprofessionalism in the office. After the meeting, I went to clean up, only to notice in the bathroom mirror that I'd had a booger pasted across my forehead throughout the meeting. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML

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By Sonotsuave - United States - Arlington

Today, my now ex-friend told me she had feelings for my ex and was also choosing him over our friendship, despite being fully aware of the crazy rollercoaster our relationship was and being there to hear every detail of the trauma. She classily told me at random, in a public mall. People suck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

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By UsuallyaUnicornbread - United States - Morrisville

Today, I went to get myself a latte to make myself feel better after having a bad day. As soon as I sat down to enjoy it, I spilled it all over myself, another customer, and the floor. FML

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By mothapuka - United Arab Emirates

Today, I went to the mall with my mum. She had a few too many drinks the night before. As soon as we got into the mall, she puked. She walked around the mall with me, blowing chunks into a plastic bag. FML

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By sexyredhead - United States

Today, I was in class when someone came in with a rose for me. My teacher made me read the card aloud: "I'm breaking up with you, happy Valentine's." It was from my boyfriend. FML

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By Sam - 27/8/2020 23:02 - Canada

Love hurts

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition where blood vessels in my brain spasm just before orgasm, resulting in me getting a wicked migraine that lasts for days. The only cure? No more orgasms. FML

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Top comments

By nutmeg29 | 0

#943914 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:50

My mom does the same thing. While I'm away she'll talk about how much she misses me and wants me to come home, and when I do come home she doesn't even wait ten minutes to give me her "to do" list.

By lucidlucia | 0

#943805 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:28

never come back. that'll teach um.

COMMENTS

By abcnonamecba | 0

#943780 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:25

first yay woot

By mcgugs | 0

#943781 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:25

first :p

Reply

YourEvilHero | 12

#944066 - Sunday 14 March 2010 0:47

me ttooooooooo

Reply

StoryOfTheWeek | 0

#944305 - Sunday 14 March 2010 1:56

that is actually what would happen with my family, finally come back and they drop a bomb like that

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#944384 - Sunday 14 March 2010 2:17

The lesson here? DON'T GO HOME

Reply

cause_DESTRUCTIO | 0

#944394 - Sunday 14 March 2010 2:20

that sucks ass

Reply

beau11 | 0

#944569 - Sunday 14 March 2010 3:36

that's funny what 59 said

Reply

ladykat | 0

#944761 - Sunday 14 March 2010 4:56

That's just your familys way of saying "we miss having you around" or "you're great at cleaning"!

Reply

ggggiggity | 0

#944798 - Sunday 14 March 2010 5:13

you mean i wasnt supposed to ask my kids to do this when they came home for spring break? oops my bad lol

Reply

Betz | 10

#944984 - Sunday 14 March 2010 6:41

Well what did you expect? The dishes could wait but the cat vomit's been there since christmas!

Reply

Peacemaker9 | 7

#945139 - Sunday 14 March 2010 8:15

nothing like a good ol welcome home present........

Reply

johndoe20 | 0

#948282 - Monday 15 March 2010 3:32

I got home for my spring break to clean the grout between the tile floors if my house. between the kitchen, dining room, and bathrooms, that's almost 2000 sq ft.

Reply

UberFail79 | 0

#949078 - Monday 15 March 2010 8:55

You're welcome, OP. Now, go get a sex change and make me a sammich.

Reply

charlie_schmidt4 | 0

#950941 - Monday 15 March 2010 21:56

get off the computer and clean, jackass

Reply

vendel | 0

#986240 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 7:42

anybody who put ydi on this one has no life

By george456 | 0

#943782 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:25

sucks

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#943823 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:30

The lesson here? DON'T GO HOME

Reply

xoconnie | 8

#943900 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:47

ha ha...
its ok, u gotta help outtttt

Reply

Boots1017 | 0

#943945 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:58

time to spend breaks away from home.

Reply

z620 | 0

#952103 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:03

they probly just left the cat puke for u

By Person1233 | 12

#943783 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:26

YDI for expecting affection. You're a guy, man up.

Reply

zac12345 | 0

#944101 - Sunday 14 March 2010 1:04

ffffffffffffffail

Reply

WhatANoob | 0

#945102 - Sunday 14 March 2010 7:46

Idiot. it IS a boy.

By daviesha | 0

#943793 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:26

could be worse they could have waited for you to come home to clean like my mom did between thanksgiving and Christmas

By paul924 | 0

#943797 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:27

dumb ass FML!! so fuckin stupid!!

By mcgugs | 0

#943803 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:28

aww, we haz a cranky mod around? (whoever deleted my post, i'm talking to you)

By lucidlucia | 0

#943805 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:28

never come back. that'll teach um.

By xxbananamagic | 0

#943807 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:28

welcome to family life.. did u expect them to suck your d?

Reply

ladykat | 0

#944747 - Sunday 14 March 2010 4:49

Mercy how is that NOT creepy? :X haha

By thatoneGeo | 0

#943814 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:29

stop being a delicate little fruit and just take it