Animals: Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been away at college and I haven't seen them since Christmas. Almost as soon as I walked in the door, my mom had me clean the living room area, clean up cat vomit, and do the dishes. Thanks guys... I missed you too. FML

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Vulture

Right under your nose

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, my mother in law basically said I deserve my breast cancer, all because I declined to take part in one of her "March Against Cancer" events a while ago. I guess donating money to cancer research instead of going on a meaningless march really messed up my karma. FML

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By H-B - United States

Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

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By NewlyChildaphobic - Ireland

Today, I was minding a 6-year old boy. He begged me to take him somewhere. I rang his Mum, and she said I could. He picked to go to McDonald's. He ordered chicken. After his meal, he told me he was vegetarian, and wanted to try some meat while his Mum wasn't around. I got the blame. FML

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By Faithful - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he'll chop my body up and dispose of all the parts, but keep my boobies, because he likes them. FML

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By Fauxgeek

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

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By cheeseburglar_9000 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I learned that if not for my grandfather gifting my dad $200, I would have been named Anthrax. FML

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By fsdjhgasjlhg - Australia - Cairns

Today, I found a topless photo of my mother on my phone. Thanks, iCloud. FML

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By brokenhearted - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my boyfriend sent me so many nice texts that he made me fall in love with him that little bit more. It turns out he was sweetening me up before telling me he cheated on me the night before. FML

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By nickorion12 - United States - Shawnee

Today, it's my birthday. My children decided to make me "breakfast in bed", only to end up catching the kitchen on fire. FML

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By homerr123 - India - Mumbai

Today, my manager rejected my leave application for Christmas. Later I found out that I'm going to be the only employee working at the office during Christmas. FML

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By RawrSparkle - United States - Davis

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

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By wowawesome

Today, I got a second piercing in my ear. I needed help cleaning the back, so I asked my dad for help. I told him to careful, but right when I did, he tore the earring out with the cotton swab. Thanks, dad. FML

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By nametag - Canada

Today, I finally got my nametag. I had been using other people's names like Maria and Caie for a week, so I was happy to be called my own name. I put it on and got to work. Ten minutes later, I was called into the office. I got laid off. I got to wear my nametag for 10 minutes. FML

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By Lola - United Kingdom

Today, we got new doors fitted. There were new locks on the bathroom, to the reluctance of my mother, who thought one of us would lock ourselves in. "Only an idiot would lock themselves in," I said, and shut the door to demonstrate. I locked myself in. FML

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By Tennisplayer - United States

Today, my tennis coach showed up to practice in an all white outfit. I exclaimed, "You're looking very white today!" He's African American. FML

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By op-poopy - Canada

Today, the landlord of our building constructed a bathroom in the space under the stairs, outside my office, on the other side of a thin wall. He must have some kind of bowel disorder, because now I get to hear the sounds of his loud, wet and gassy pooping several times per day. FML

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By Fuck you, Dad. Fuck you. - Sweden - Sundbyberg

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to see the photos of my wedding, which he didn't bother to come to. Reply: "What the fuck, are you gay or something? Keep that homo stuff to yourself." My wife started laughing so hard she was crying. FML

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By Cherie - United States

Today, my daughter told my son that Santa is not real. Of course, being a child, he started to cry. My only problem is, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. FML

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By TheThirdWheel

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 2 years and my best friend of 10 years making out in my bedroom. I stared and when they noticed me, my boyfriend didn’t even bat an eye and suggested we have a threesome. My best friend immediately agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I was told I've secured the job I applied for at my local hospital. Being just 19, this is a great opportunity, and I told my parents. They angrily asked if I'd applied just to get access to drugs, then demanded to know how I'd managed to pass the drug test. Thanks for the confidence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waunakee

Today, at work a lady asked for a burrito, large coke, and hot sauce. While repeating back the order, the words got stuck and I accidentally said large cock. I got written up for being inappropriate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML

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By Heyme - France

Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I crunched my pen and crushed my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jonesboro

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

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By therapygal

Today, my girlfriend got very mad at me after finding several appointments with "Amanda" in my calendar. Amanda is my psychiatrist. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

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By DaisyMay - United States

Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, there was a a huge storm. There were no buses so I walked for an hour to see my boyfriend of two years who (usually rather the unemotionally type) had called me, crying. When I got there soaking wet, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and this makes him sad. I had to walk back. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

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By Meggie - Canada

Today, I walked in on my dad and his new "girlfriend". A couple days ago I realized that my sexy clothes that my boyfriend had bought me for our anniversary was missing. Guess who was wearing it? FML

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By JessThompson - Canada - Hamilton

Today, after telling my young kids all about Santa, his reindeer and his sleigh, we saw him. Smoking a cigarette in the beat-up car next to ours at a red light. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, I was walking through town when I saw a plastic bag on the ground. Trying to be a good citizen, I picked it up, intending on throwing it in the trash. When I looked up, there wasn't a trash can for another hundred feet. So I put it back down. Now I've got a $200 fine to pay for littering. FML

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By mouthwash - United States - Gallipolis

Freudian intensifies

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2020 23:01 - United States

Say my name, say my name

Today, after being unemployed for over four months, I got a call from a company I've wanted to work for for over 2 years. After they were about to set up an interview, they called me by a different name. After correcting them, they hung up on me. Turns out they had the wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was hit with a sudden urge to shit. I knew it was going to be a bad one, so I ran out of the meeting. I made it to the toilet in time, but I forgot to lift the lid. FML

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By WaxOnWaxOff - United States - Denver

Today, I realized that my boyfriend really does have a problem with my upper-lip hair. I woke up this morning to him ripping a wax strip off of my face. All he could say after I stopped shrieking was that he had hoped it wouldn't wake me up. FML

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By Christina - Canada

Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML

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By crash and burn - United States

Today, I moved states to be with my soulmate in our new condo. It was also the day I took out a neighbor's balcony with my U-Haul. FML

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By gnownayrgnow - United States

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Houghton Le Spring

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

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Top comments

By nutmeg29 | 0

#943914 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:50

My mom does the same thing. While I'm away she'll talk about how much she misses me and wants me to come home, and when I do come home she doesn't even wait ten minutes to give me her "to do" list.

By lucidlucia | 0

#943805 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:28

never come back. that'll teach um.

COMMENTS

By abcnonamecba | 0

#943780 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:25

first yay woot

By mcgugs | 0

#943781 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:25

first :p

Reply

YourEvilHero | 12

#944066 - Sunday 14 March 2010 0:47

me ttooooooooo

Reply

StoryOfTheWeek | 0

#944305 - Sunday 14 March 2010 1:56

that is actually what would happen with my family, finally come back and they drop a bomb like that

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#944384 - Sunday 14 March 2010 2:17

The lesson here? DON'T GO HOME

Reply

cause_DESTRUCTIO | 0

#944394 - Sunday 14 March 2010 2:20

that sucks ass

Reply

beau11 | 0

#944569 - Sunday 14 March 2010 3:36

that's funny what 59 said

Reply

ladykat | 0

#944761 - Sunday 14 March 2010 4:56

That's just your familys way of saying "we miss having you around" or "you're great at cleaning"!

Reply

ggggiggity | 0

#944798 - Sunday 14 March 2010 5:13

you mean i wasnt supposed to ask my kids to do this when they came home for spring break? oops my bad lol

Reply

Betz | 10

#944984 - Sunday 14 March 2010 6:41

Well what did you expect? The dishes could wait but the cat vomit's been there since christmas!

Reply

Peacemaker9 | 7

#945139 - Sunday 14 March 2010 8:15

nothing like a good ol welcome home present........

Reply

johndoe20 | 0

#948282 - Monday 15 March 2010 3:32

I got home for my spring break to clean the grout between the tile floors if my house. between the kitchen, dining room, and bathrooms, that's almost 2000 sq ft.

Reply

UberFail79 | 0

#949078 - Monday 15 March 2010 8:55

You're welcome, OP. Now, go get a sex change and make me a sammich.

Reply

charlie_schmidt4 | 0

#950941 - Monday 15 March 2010 21:56

get off the computer and clean, jackass

Reply

vendel | 0

#986240 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 7:42

anybody who put ydi on this one has no life

By george456 | 0

#943782 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:25

sucks

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#943823 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:30

The lesson here? DON'T GO HOME

Reply

xoconnie | 8

#943900 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:47

ha ha...
its ok, u gotta help outtttt

Reply

Boots1017 | 0

#943945 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:58

time to spend breaks away from home.

Reply

z620 | 0

#952103 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:03

they probly just left the cat puke for u

By Person1233 | 12

#943783 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:26

YDI for expecting affection. You're a guy, man up.

Reply

zac12345 | 0

#944101 - Sunday 14 March 2010 1:04

ffffffffffffffail

Reply

WhatANoob | 0

#945102 - Sunday 14 March 2010 7:46

Idiot. it IS a boy.

By daviesha | 0

#943793 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:26

could be worse they could have waited for you to come home to clean like my mom did between thanksgiving and Christmas

By paul924 | 0

#943797 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:27

dumb ass FML!! so fuckin stupid!!

By mcgugs | 0

#943803 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:28

aww, we haz a cranky mod around? (whoever deleted my post, i'm talking to you)

By lucidlucia | 0

#943805 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:28

never come back. that'll teach um.

By xxbananamagic | 0

#943807 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:28

welcome to family life.. did u expect them to suck your d?

Reply

ladykat | 0

#944747 - Sunday 14 March 2010 4:49

Mercy how is that NOT creepy? :X haha

By thatoneGeo | 0

#943814 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:29

stop being a delicate little fruit and just take it