Miscellaneous: Today, I was rollerblading in the university gardens and taking... - FML

By krizleykrislo - United States

Today, I was rollerblading in the university gardens and taking pictures. A worker started to yell at me, and I told him that I had perfect control and could stay on the sidewalk. As I turned to skate away, I faceplanted into a bed of prized rare flowers. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Thanks, I hate it

The other stage of grief

By slenderman908 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I overheard my parents fighting about who has been the most loyal. I found out my Dad has cheated twice, and is still the most faithful of the two. FML

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By gettingacat - United States

Today, I set up a miniature nativity scene in my apartment. Three hours ago, my dog decided it would be a good idea to eat baby Jesus. Two hours ago, the vet laughed and said not to worry because I would 'have him back in time for Christmas'. FML

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By angela - United States

Today, I thought my face was breaking out with pimples, and I thought it was weird because I never break out. And I noticed all these "bug bites" all over my body. When I got home, I realized those weren't bug bites. I have chicken pox, and my high school graduation is tomorrow. FML

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By deflated - Ireland

Today, as my girlfriend was dropping me home, our goodbye kiss got kind of heavy. Still parked in my drive, we had fast, frenzied sex. After, we realised that she had never put the hand brake on and that we had rolled down my drive, blocking my dad who was patiently waiting to pull in. FML

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By fired

Today, I was in the restroom at work, snickering at some funny stories on my phone while I took a dump. Little did I know that the asshole in the next stall would report me to our boss, claiming he'd heard weird noises, then looked over the divider and witnessed me jacking off to porn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that my roommate secretly edited a paper I wrote and recently turned in, so that it repeatedly refers to the famed author "Kneel Gayman." I'm positive that's not how it's spelled. FML

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By nipped - Australia

Today, I thought it would be fun to tease my dog by standing above her and hitting each of her paws repeatedly. My dog thought it would be fun to jump up and bite at my chest whilst I wasn't wearing a shirt. I just spent four hours in hospital getting my nipple sewn back on. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 23:00

Candid camera

Today, I prominently touched my boobs and put my hand inside my shirt to adjust my bra… all while I had my camera on during a Zoom meeting with the whole department FML

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By Username

Today, a customer at the store I work at asked me what kind of cake I would suggest for her husband's 50th birthday. I laughed and showed her the Grim Reaper cake. She burst into tears and explained that he has cancer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Try to do a nice thing…

Today, I mowed our lawn without being asked. My sister wouldn't stop yelling at me for not checking with her, because she wanted the grass to get long enough to "play jungle" in. My mom sided with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I've recently become serious about getting fit, and have lost nearly 84 pounds. Apparently, when I was fat, I made her look smaller in comparison. When I got slimmer, she insisted I either gain the weight back or she'd leave. So she did. FML

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By not a photographer - 21/6/2020 08:08

Mom gets some

Today, my mom asked me to take a picture of her and a friend before they went out to dinner. I was getting ready to take the picture when I noticed the box showing the most recent picture. It was a nude. Of my mom. FML

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By Sofi

Today, I canceled going to a party with my sisters because I had a secret plan to have a threesome. They left for the party, but soon returned thinking it would be no fun without me. By then we were already making a lot of indecent noise. They heard it all. FML

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By suzyyy - Netherlands

Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML

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By Pastrygirl

Today, while finishing up at work, I started helping a co-worker out with his workload since I'd finished mine. His girlfriend apparently didn't like this and started slamming things around, constantly muttering passive aggressive comments because she wanted to help him. I work with idiots. FML

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By Creepster - United States

Today, I almost crashed my car because I was checking out an Old Navy mannequin wearing a bra. FML

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By twiggygonegirl

Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML

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By blew it

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend, only while I was down there I noticed he had an ungodly amount of dick cheese under his foreskin. He’s now mad at me for blueballing him, even though he’s clearly the one at fault for being a filthy pig. FML

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By Sebastian - United States

Today, our school had tryouts for chorus. Everybody sang a snippet of the song together until the teacher stopped us, saying it sounded awful. He singled me out and told me to sing alone. After I sang the part, he said, "Son, your gift to God will be silence." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I married the beautiful girl I’ve been in love with since we were both 6 years old. By married, I mean I performed the marriage ceremony as the vicar and watched her smile and kiss her arsehole boyfriend, now husband, right in front of me. FML

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By WELL FUCK YOU KINDLY, MA'AM - United States - Endicott

Today, I had to forcibly separate a boy from my daughter after he grabbed her and started shoving her around. I complained to his mother, only to have her shout, "mind your fucking business" and say that her son can do whatever the hell he wants. FML

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By appendicitisanyone - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

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By Dean Roberts - 1/2/2021 13:01 - United States - Cedar Falls

Compassionate management

Today, my manager said it was my choice to have surgery on my arm and that I shouldn't complain, everyone goes through pain. She's right, but I was born with a birth defect in my wrist. The surgery was going to happen sooner or later, I didn't want to be born this way. FML

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By Nick - Australia - Baulkham Hills

Today, I dragged myself to work, suffering from a bad cold. My boss quietly told me to go home and rest, to avoid spreading it around the office. I thought it odd since he dislikes me so much, but I did as he said. He called later in the day to suspend me for leaving work early. FML

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By The_failure

Today, I found myself sitting in the bathroom at work searching the internet for the alcohol and caloric content of cool mint Listerine. I now believe that I may have a problem. FML

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By sunshinexx - Australia

Today, I announced to my family that I was going to start playing netball with my work colleagues. They all burst into fits of laughter at the thought of me doing physical activity. FML

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By Clumsy

Today, while baby-proofing the stairs so that my toddler wouldn't fall, I slipped on his toy car, broke the brand new gate while grabbing it so I wouldn't fall down the stairs, and broke my wrist and a rib. My husband should mom-proof the house for me now. FML

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By stonesober - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that "going for a meal and going out clubbing" for New Year's means me cooking for my mates and driving them to the pub. FML

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By braceface - United Kingdom

Today, I worked up the courage at lunch to sit next to the girl I've been in love with for 3 years. Everything was going great. That is, until I sneezed and my retainer shot out my mouth, and landed in her lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 23:01

XXL

Today, after losing 20 pounds, I decided to purchase new clothes. All of the clothes at the store were still too small for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

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By littleman - United States

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

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By guitar_chick7 - Australia

Today, I said something in class and someone mimicked me. In a self-pitying mood, I exclaimed, "Everybody hates me!" The girl behind me then said, "Pretty much." FML

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By MartianTom - United States - Evanston

Today, the maintenance man for my building fixed my leaky sink. As he headed out the door, I said, "Thanks, Gus!" He turned around and said matter-of-factly, "My name is Eli." I've been addressing him as "Gus" for the past year and a half. FML

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By Monty Python's Flying Circus

Today, it's been three weeks since my son found my old red dress and hat outfit in the attic, and like every day since then, he has been putting it on and bursting into rooms without warning and shouting, "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" He's almost 18 and going to college in September. FML

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By HumanNature - Canada

Today, I was waiting after work in a parking lot for my ride and was dancing a little to keep warm. Next thing I know the cops pull up to me and said that someone called in to report someone dancing in an empty parking lot. FML

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By Loser - United States

Today, I was playing a game of truth or dare in a group with a girl I liked. She was dared to kiss me, but then the group decided that that was too cruel of a dare. FML

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By Jeff G. - United States

Today, I had to send a picture of my Grandma at her funeral to my girlfriend, because she thought I was out cheating on her. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, the Vuvuzela that my brother ordered online was delivered to our house. FML

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By StillTooYoung - United States - Louisville

Today, I was discussing with my husband how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?". He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

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Top comments

By rabidhatter | 0

#156919 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:38

Wow you're an asshole and you totally deserve it. If there's a no skating rule, then DON'T SKATE THERE you tool.

By Tehalon | 0

#156854 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:22

YDI, Noob.

COMMENTS

By luv2sing247 | 0

#156851 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:21

Oh my... That sucks!

Reply

alex1502 | 0

#1599027 - Monday 25 October 2010 7:19

well at least He planted His face

Reply

tifdunc | 14

#5699871 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 21:10

Rollerblading is GAYY

By Tehalon | 0

#156854 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:22

YDI, Noob.

By dammn | 0

#156875 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:28

smooth man....

By adelaide_evening | 0

#156902 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:33

Don't worry about it. Your tuition payed for those flowers anyway.

Reply

Metzler31 | 17

#1049017 - Tuesday 29 June 2010 22:40

paid

Reply

natsaysheyyy | 16

#5408577 - Sunday 17 March 2013 5:19

I wonder how much the school fined you for it... However much it was, YDI.

By raged_fml | 0

#156914 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:36

you weren't in perfect control

By Tucatz | 0

#156917 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:37

Had I been the gardener I would have then come over and spanged you with my shovel.

By rabidhatter | 0

#156919 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:38

Wow you're an asshole and you totally deserve it. If there's a no skating rule, then DON'T SKATE THERE you tool.

Reply

TheAspieDork | 27

#6521959 - Thursday 28 January 2016 4:54

Hey that rhymes :D

By mf_fml | 0

#156930 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:43

rollerblading? what is this, '95?

Reply

pertained | 12

#984371 - Saturday 24 April 2010 22:55

Roller skating is the one thing gayer than two men having sex.

By Big_Kane | 3

#156938 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:45

Gravity sucks.

By deweyd8855 | 3

#156944 - Thursday 30 April 2009 19:47

Q: What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

A: Telling your dad that you're gay.