Health: Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress... - FML

By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Batanovci

Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress some passers-by, I tried to do a trick on a sharp turn. I hit a pole with my balls. As I was lying on the ground in agony, a guy pulled over, took a picture, and took off laughing. FML

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Serious times

Late term

Zoomed out

By rejecteddd - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, a guy I blocked online for sending me creepy messages showed up at my house. I have no idea how he found my address, or even my real name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

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By healthfoodshmealthfood - United States

Today, after years of training myself to crave healthier foods in order to lose weight, I found out that some of my favorite health-foods actually aggravate my hypothyroidism, and indirectly reduce my metabolism. Broccoli and soybeans are making me fat. FML

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By armybrat - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while babysitting my neighbors kids for the day. I was woken up by this obnoxious sound, only to find the youngest kid holding scissors in one hand, a pony tail of hair in his shorts jumping around like a horse, oh, and a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Prince George

Naughty girl

Today, my mom found out that I got a tattoo two years ago. She got mad and spanked me. I'm 33 years old. FML

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By Christmas sucks - United States - Boston

Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML

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By Crapper. - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I'm a janitor at a middle school. Someone took a poo and placed it on the sink. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start our conversations with "HEY SLUT" or "HEY WHORE" etc. It wasn't my sister. However, her boyfriend's mom has a great first impression of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plainsboro

Today, while life-guarding in a 55+ community, I greeted a man by saying: "Good morning Sir!" He responded with, "Cut the shit kid, I'm not that fucking old." FML

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By Blonde - Canada - Toronto

Today, I googled for an hour how to open my CD player on my laptop. Turns out, there is none. They just put a space there to make it look like a CD player. FML

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By owwwwwe - United Kingdom

Today, I tried a self-tanner in an attempt to rid myself of my ghost-white legs. I got my wish, but instead of a warm golden tan, I have red, swollen, lobster-like marks sticking out from the bottom half of my torso. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 17:01

Workaholic

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

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By idiot - France

Today, my son stuck coins in our DVD player. It would be cute if he wasn't 25. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go pick up my kid, because he threw up while playing at his friend's house. The boy's mother bitched me out for not keeping my son at home while he was "ill". Her breath was unspeakably foul. So foul that it caused me to throw up too. FML

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By charliemann_ - United States

Today, a woman came into the gas station where I work, yelling because her credit card wouldn't read at the pump. I politely told her that I could set the pump up for a set amount, and she could swipe the card at the register. Her response: "You need Jesus." FML

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By rawrrrr - United States

Today, after a fire alarm went off, everyone was going back into the building. I had never gone up the stairs before because I live on the 9th floor. As everybody was going back inside, I followed some guys right into their suite on the 1st floor, thinking it was the way to the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Great date, thanks!

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Sundbyberg

Today, my dad has been hitting the bottle, and will only respond to anything I say in a slurred rap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coeur D Alene

Today, I went on a date and ate in the park. When I crossed my legs under the table, I scraped my knee and got a lot of splinters in it. When I got back home and started digging out the splinters, my dad furiously demanded to know why I'd been on my knees during the date. FML

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By Richard - France

Today, there was a new and extremely attractive girl at youth group, so I decided to introduce myself. Her reply was, "Wow, I've always wanted to meet a gay guy!" FML

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By worksucker - United States

Today, 30 minutes before I was supposed to quit work at 6pm, my boss showed up. After telling him how the day went, he asked why I was still there. Apparently, for the holiday, we close early. 4 hours earlier. FML

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By fetch boy.. - United States - Bellmore

Today, my boyfriend's parents found out we had a sleepover while they were on vacation. His dog had retrieved the underwear I had unknowingly left and brought them to his mom. FML

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By SpanishInFrenchClass - United States

Today, I had a presentation in French class. I was so nervous, the first thing I said when I got up there was, "Hola." FML

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By bruh

Unexpected

Today, I asked my girlfriend to prom. Instead of saying yes, she broke up with me. FML

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By fuck off you fucking shitburglar - United Kingdom - London

Today, a tailgating idiot rear-ended me at a red light, then had the balls to say it was my fault for "driving too close" to his car. FML

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By Mandy - United Kingdom

Today, I was drunk at my nan's birthday party. My boyfriend texted me asking if I could go out, to which I replied "No, I'm at my nan's house." He then dumped me, calling me a 'cheating whore.' I was confused, until I realised I'd misspelt nan and said "No, I'm at my man's house." FML

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By KillingMeSlowly

Today, I realized that my two year old likes to help with the groceries. And by help I mean hide a bag of chicken. It's been two weeks since I went grocery shopping and I still can't find it, but it smells like something died in my house. FML

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By smyp - Lithuania

Miracles

Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML

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By CUNTCUNTCUNT - Australia - Slacks Creek

Today, it's my 8 year anniversary. My boyfriend's "romantic" gesture for the occasion was to toss a few McDonald's coupons at me and tell me to get whatever I wanted. FML

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By mark - France

Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last night's party, which involved lots of booze and spicy Indian food. I wake up and notice a small boy staring at me, so I smiled at him. He turned to his father and said, "Daddy, the farting man has just woken up." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, as I was jogging on the boardwalk, an old guy tripped me with his cane. As I was getting back up, I heard him say to his wife, "I wanted to see if she would actually fall." FML

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By littleman - United States

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By shoeaddiikt - Australia

Today, I was in an exam and was chewing the end of my pen, stuck on a question. My mouth filled up with ink. I wasn't allowed to leave, so I had to sit for another hour with a foul-tasting blue tongue and a half-working pen. FML

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By Éponine - 12/6/2020 17:03

Miserable

Today, as an aspiring performer, I tried to practice crying on demand by singing "A Little Fall of Rain" and "On My Own" from Les Misérables. It was all going well, until my nose started running uncontrollably and no tears actually came out of my eyes. Maybe acting isn't for me. FML

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By Bloody Nose - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I had the longest, bloodiest, bloody nose ever when I was at work. I got blood on a few materials as I was running to the restroom. I work in a food factory, so everything had to be sanitized and thrown out. Now management wants me to pay for everything we had to throw out. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

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By bonnmo - United States

Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML

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By Already Broke Asf - United States - Rock Hill

Today, my 19-year-old brother broke into my dorm and robbed me. When I tried to file a report, my brother went to my parents and told them that he took it because I owed him money on a bet. Guess who lost $92.50. FML

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Top comments

By klovemachine | 24

#5455175 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:48

And you decreased your chances of reproducing :D

By VasilisaUzhasnaj | 29

#5455207 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:55

"Wanting to impress..." = instant YDI.

Bonus points because they were total strangers.

COMMENTS

By glitz1234 | 6

#5455169 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:47

Lol omgzzzz!!!

By klovemachine | 24

#5455175 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:48

And you decreased your chances of reproducing :D

Reply

klovemachine | 24

#5455188 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:51

Edit: OP is female :(
Oh well, it would have been funnier if OP was male

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5455197 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:53

No.. Op is male..

Reply

eddeeezzyy | 19

#5455246 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:10

I'm just on crack, but that's just me.

Reply

NeinKittenz | 20

#5455260 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:17

#10 you're telling me they aren't supposed too? Shit..

Reply

klovemachine | 24

#5455322 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:50

Oh well...I hate those stupid symbols by the OP's name (hangs head in shame)

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5455338 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:57

Of course women have balls! Ours are just bigger than men's so we have to put them on our chest to prevent chaffing.

Reply

Trisha_aus | 15

#5455351 - Friday 19 April 2013 5:01

And...what did you find Noor?

Reply

Justy101 | 23

#5455920 - Friday 19 April 2013 14:29

Thank god for that.

Reply

wlddog | 14

#5456061 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:49

33 - i find your comment both rude and hilarious.

By bach2121 | 13

#5455179 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:50

I guess i would've laughed too

Reply

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5455258 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:16

Hate show offs... Serves you right!

Reply

TheApostate | 8

#5455381 - Friday 19 April 2013 5:21

Pride before the fall.

Reply

buster113 | 15

#6043293 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 21:00

Just like you picture

By brittyboo123 | 35

#5455186 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:51

Someone's pain is someone else's laughter.

Reply

Trisha_aus | 15

#5455343 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:58

And here we are on FML!

Reply

perdix | 29

#5455435 - Friday 19 April 2013 6:19

#4, the Germans capture that whole sentence in a single word: Schadenfreude.

It's even on my FML T-shirt.

Reply

adriandurnell | 5

#5455511 - Friday 19 April 2013 7:43

that's for sure lol

Reply

MuseFan1991 | 14

#5455967 - Friday 19 April 2013 15:28

i was trying to work how to spell that Perdix :) i love you
i would have found it hysterical if i saw it

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#5455194 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:52

Never try and do something to impress random people unless you're a professional. Otherwise you end up hurting yourself... I speak from experience.

By Pstraka6 | 20

#5455195 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:53

Practice first my friend

By kyrisonfusion | 22

#5455198 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:53

Don't try to look cool....it didnt really work did it?

By VasilisaUzhasnaj | 29

#5455207 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:55

"Wanting to impress..." = instant YDI.

Bonus points because they were total strangers.

Reply

iamananglophile | 18

#5455227 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:00

Exactly what I came here to say.

Reply

ragini95 | 16

#5455533 - Friday 19 April 2013 8:13

I don't get why that is? Everyone likes attention, it's not terrible of him to want some praise geez.

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#5455576 - Friday 19 April 2013 9:07

Completely agree - I could understand if he was trying to impress his mates but total strangers? Who craves that much attention, needs people they don't know to like them so desperately? That's just sad...

By AthiestNun | 11

#5455208 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:55

Just pretend it was all a part of the trick.

By perdix | 29

#5455209 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:55

He was probably disappointed that he didn't get video! Tosh.0 needs shit like that!

Reply

3rdbass | 9

#5455531 - Friday 19 April 2013 8:10

What Daniel Tosh needs is to stop impersonating Joel Mchale.