Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 21:02 - Bulgaria - Batanovci

Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress some passers-by, I tried to do a trick on a sharp turn. I hit a pole with my balls. As I was lying on the ground in agony, a guy pulled over, took a picture, and took off laughing. FML

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Great speech, thanks!

Billy no-mates

Deep-seated resentment

By WhyM3¿?¿ - 31/3/2019 04:00

Today and so far not a good year. I'm still taking care of my mom who is sick from cancer and I seem to be the only one to help her (I'm the youngest btw). I pay the bills, clean, cook, work, bathe and feed my mother I'm exhausted I'm only 18... But it's not that my sis called me SELFISH Today...FML

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By Noname - 2/2/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML

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By why... - 1/2/2009 17:37 - United States

Today, I was talking to my friend about my life and she stopped me mid-sentence and told me that my life makes her sad. FML

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By thanks ma - 29/5/2020 02:00

Today, on Judge Judy…

Today, all of my credit cards were frozen due to fraud. The culprit? My own mother. She rationalized it by saying I "owed" her for raising me. She didn’t even raise me. My grandma did. FML

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By loganHchrist - 9/1/2014 00:53 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. They thought it would be funny to pretend that they're nudists. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2019 18:00

No feeling - Just conversation

Today, I was touching myself under the sheets at 2:00 a.m. when my very drunk dad walked into the room. I was afraid to move my hand for fear of getting caught red-handed, so I had a 30 minute conversation with him with my fingers still inside me. FML

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By anon - 20/3/2015 21:43 - United States - Arlington

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 23:10 - Australia

Today, I got fired. By my father. He wants me to drive him to work tomorrow. FML

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By Clueless - 14/5/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 20:00

Let me in!

Today, I was turned away from a private event by security for being a girl. My name is Max; the name on the guest list was Max, but the security meathead insisted Max can only be a man's name and threw me out of the building. I was the event's key lecturer, and without me the event was cancelled. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 02:56 - United States

Today, I was trying on dresses in a stall that requires an employee of the store to have a key to open. After I took off one dress to go to another, an employee quickly opens my door, to give the stall to someone else. The entire store could see me in my granny panties and bra. FML

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By fuck russia and fuck georgia too - 9/3/2014 18:38 - Azerbaijan

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She'd walked in on me jerking off, which she said is exactly the same as cheating on her. FML

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By FFS - 6/5/2018 01:30

Today, my mother has taken her drug paranoia to a new level. She threw away an open but nearly full bag of dried mint because she's sure I emptied and refilled the bag with marijuana to hide it from her. She then tried to ground me in my own house in front of my wife and daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2010 23:19 - Canada

Today, I tripped in front of my graduation class of 225 and all of their relatives while receiving my diploma. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 02:02

Stay classy, bro

Today, my brother got sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t even quit his game to throw up in the toilet and instead threw up straight on the carpet. It sat there for hours. FML

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By copshop - 10/11/2011 11:40 - United States

Today, I was working the graveyard shift as a security guard. I fell asleep in my car doing paperwork around 2 am. When my supervisor came to check on me, he pounded on my window, wearing a "Scream" mask. I panicked and pepper sprayed him. Too bad my window was closed. FML

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By anonymous - 6/11/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, I finally decided to get back at my roommates for eating all my food. First thing that kept disappearing was my water, so I decided to add lots of laxatives to my water this way the first person to go to the bathroom nonstop was the culprit. I forgot I had done that when I drank some myself. FML

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By rummaging - 18/5/2016 13:46 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my boyfriend found the box of photos I've been saving for my daughter. He was convinced I was pining over her father and emptied the box into the dumpster behind our apartment. I'm still not done digging through the garbage to find the photos from the day my daughter was born. FML

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By shat - 12/12/2015 07:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to the feeling of something crawling up my leg. I threw back the bed sheets and saw it was a cockroach. My dad said my ensuing scream was so girlish that he wondered what the hell my sister was doing in my bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 20:04 - United States

Today, I went to bed with a bra on. I woke up with no bra on. My brother had a friend sleep over last night. I wonder where my bra went. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. Because our school colors were red, black and white, and our principal looked somewhat like Hitler, the senior class prank was to salute him when he finished his speech. I was the only one. FML

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By Lindsay - 7/2/2011 17:41 - United States

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

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By cs - 13/2/2011 02:21 - United States

Today, the snowblower found my lost phone. FML

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By twitterfailsme - 4/11/2013 12:08 - Israel - Rishon Le Zion

Today, I googled myself in preparation for my upcoming job interview. Turns out there's a girl on Twitter with my name and age who tweets nonstop about getting wasted and being on probation. She won't make her profile private. FML

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By BadassRumbleroar - 20/1/2012 03:46 - Canada

Today, I found out that when you are sitting on a full bench at a bus stop, some crazy person will come sit on you. FML

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By messyvictor - 28/1/2012 16:19 - United States

Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML

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By izhamilton - 20/2/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, after flying halfway across the world to see the man I love, he admitted cheating on me several days before I arrived, not only with someone I know, but with someone I hate. FML

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By beemove - 28/12/2013 21:19 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I took an extra xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML

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By nalathelionqueen - 10/8/2012 22:44 - United States - North Hills

Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

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By sportskidguru - 1/2/2009 14:41 - United States

Today, I was refilling some guy's iced tea at bandana's, and the uppity jerk had the gall to ask me if I ever kissed a girl considering how fat I am, how high my voice is, and how little money I make. FML

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By munchkin - 26/10/2009 06:35 - France

Today, I ran into a car. I suffered a concussion and broke my nose. I wasn't driving. I walked right into it. It was parked. FML

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By Username - 5/8/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML

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By sparkrok - 6/3/2014 00:36 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work, I was standing around, doing nothing. When my coworker pointed this out, I laughed and said, "It's okay, I'm training for a supervisor position!" Guess who was standing right behind me. FML

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By Yudith - 27/2/2017 12:00 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

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By AvocadoPurse - 31/12/2019 16:00

Today, my mother-in-law took a phone message on the back of my marriage license. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 07:30 - United States

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend scratch her crotch and then sniff her fingers. FML

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By underemployed - 8/12/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I found out my no-work-experience brother has just accepted a 50k/year job. He is still in school and has never had a job. I work as an intern for 11 hours a day, get rude emails from my boss, and have 3 degrees and 5 years work experience. FML

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By heartbroken - 10/7/2013 19:08 - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of over a year has been cheating on me the whole time, but that "it's just physical". However, he doesn't want to do anything "physical" with me, except cuddle when we're together. FML

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By Lonely - 23/8/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, it was the last day of camp. I told my friends we should exchange e-mail addresses so we could stay in touch. Apparently, they all had already exchanged their contact info. Nobody asked me for one piece of my contact info even once during the entire six weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 17:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I blared my music while I got ready for a night out. Getting really into this one song, I grabbed onto the nearest thing as a makeshift microphone. It happened to be the hot end of my curling iron. FML

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Top comments

By klovemachine | 24

#5455175 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:48

And you decreased your chances of reproducing :D

By VasilisaUzhasnaj | 29

#5455207 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:55

"Wanting to impress..." = instant YDI.

Bonus points because they were total strangers.

COMMENTS

By glitz1234 | 6

#5455169 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:47

Lol omgzzzz!!!

By klovemachine | 24

#5455175 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:48

And you decreased your chances of reproducing :D

Reply

klovemachine | 24

#5455188 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:51

Edit: OP is female :(
Oh well, it would have been funnier if OP was male

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5455197 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:53

No.. Op is male..

Reply

eddeeezzyy | 19

#5455246 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:10

I'm just on crack, but that's just me.

Reply

NeinKittenz | 20

#5455260 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:17

#10 you're telling me they aren't supposed too? Shit..

Reply

klovemachine | 24

#5455322 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:50

Oh well...I hate those stupid symbols by the OP's name (hangs head in shame)

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5455338 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:57

Of course women have balls! Ours are just bigger than men's so we have to put them on our chest to prevent chaffing.

Reply

Trisha_aus | 15

#5455351 - Friday 19 April 2013 5:01

And...what did you find Noor?

Reply

Justy101 | 23

#5455920 - Friday 19 April 2013 14:29

Thank god for that.

Reply

wlddog | 14

#5456061 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:49

33 - i find your comment both rude and hilarious.

By bach2121 | 13

#5455179 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:50

I guess i would've laughed too

Reply

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5455258 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:16

Hate show offs... Serves you right!

Reply

TheApostate | 8

#5455381 - Friday 19 April 2013 5:21

Pride before the fall.

Reply

buster113 | 15

#6043293 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 21:00

Just like you picture

By brittyboo123 | 35

#5455186 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:51

Someone's pain is someone else's laughter.

Reply

Trisha_aus | 15

#5455343 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:58

And here we are on FML!

Reply

perdix | 29

#5455435 - Friday 19 April 2013 6:19

#4, the Germans capture that whole sentence in a single word: Schadenfreude.

It's even on my FML T-shirt.

Reply

adriandurnell | 5

#5455511 - Friday 19 April 2013 7:43

that's for sure lol

Reply

MuseFan1991 | 14

#5455967 - Friday 19 April 2013 15:28

i was trying to work how to spell that Perdix :) i love you
i would have found it hysterical if i saw it

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#5455194 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:52

Never try and do something to impress random people unless you're a professional. Otherwise you end up hurting yourself... I speak from experience.

By Pstraka6 | 20

#5455195 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:53

Practice first my friend

By kyrisonfusion | 22

#5455198 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:53

Don't try to look cool....it didnt really work did it?

By VasilisaUzhasnaj | 29

#5455207 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:55

"Wanting to impress..." = instant YDI.

Bonus points because they were total strangers.

Reply

iamananglophile | 18

#5455227 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:00

Exactly what I came here to say.

Reply

ragini95 | 16

#5455533 - Friday 19 April 2013 8:13

I don't get why that is? Everyone likes attention, it's not terrible of him to want some praise geez.

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#5455576 - Friday 19 April 2013 9:07

Completely agree - I could understand if he was trying to impress his mates but total strangers? Who craves that much attention, needs people they don't know to like them so desperately? That's just sad...

By AthiestNun | 11

#5455208 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:55

Just pretend it was all a part of the trick.

By perdix | 29

#5455209 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:55

He was probably disappointed that he didn't get video! Tosh.0 needs shit like that!

Reply

3rdbass | 9

#5455531 - Friday 19 April 2013 8:10

What Daniel Tosh needs is to stop impersonating Joel Mchale.