Health: Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress... - FML

By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Batanovci

Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress some passers-by, I tried to do a trick on a sharp turn. I hit a pole with my balls. As I was lying on the ground in agony, a guy pulled over, took a picture, and took off laughing. FML

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Triage

Vibe check

The Terminator

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Palm City

Today, at around 11pm the police made a visit to my house, explaining how my neighbors had thought I was using a universal remote to change their television channels. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I was bored so I got my little brother's toy spaceship and a teddy bear, went to my room and started flying them around, having dog fights, making explosion noises and humming epic orchestral music. My mom opened my bedroom door, showing our new hot female neighbour around the house. I'm 19. FML

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By Shianna - United States - Holden

Today, my son was fired from his new job, which was going to support us since I recently lost mine. His excuse was, "Conflict of interest." He was a mascot for a fast-food restaurant and refused to dance around. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and she was making me listen to one of her recordings for chorus. As I was listening to it a solo came on, and i turned to her and said "This is the worst F*ing solo I've ever heard in my life." Little did I know, it was her solo. FML

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By luciaspiano - United States

Today, I was riding a bus. After having a conversation with my friend, I looked down and saw a little boy looking at me. He asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" As if that wasn't bad enough, when I responded that I was a girl, he said, "Oh. So, why do you have a boy voice then?" FML

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By stranded - United States

Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

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By buttfingers - United States - Houston

Today, I accidentally edged over the speed limit and got pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over. Before I could say something diplomatic, my dad said from the passenger seat: "Because you're a prick in fancy dress?" I got ticketed. FML

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By YES I MEAN *EX* GIRLFRIEND - Canada

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

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By canwesayfail - United States - Gloucester

Today, the only part of my Psychology final that I was 100% confident in was my name. FML

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By unknown - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML

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By oops... - Canada - Sylvan Lake

Today, my daughter was going to Bulk Barn so I asked her to pick me up something to snack on. When she got home, she brought over a bag and without listening to her explain what it was, I began eating it. She looked at me confused, then began laughing. It was a dog treat. FML

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By Sleeping moody - United States - Hollywood

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

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By Anon - United States - Modesto

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

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By Rusty - United States - New City

Today, I'm actually starting to miss my former heroin addict neighbor because of how mellow he was compared to my new neighbors. FML

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By don’tletthembite

Gifts for the whole family

Today, my trucker husband brought home roses for me, toys for the kids and bedbugs for the whole house. FML

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By lukey101 - 13/8/2020 05:01

Someone needs a hug

Today, I was out to lunch when someone in the distance proposed to his partner. She said yes, everyone clapped and cheered. I, on the other hand, burst into tears and couldn't stop bawling for about half an hour. I'm a 32 year old man and don't even know the happy couple. FML

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By gunnerdog - United States - Galveston

Today, during one of my first days as a teacher, a student stole my phone. FML

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By GogurtBadass - United States - Olympia

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the mouth while eating a Go-Gurt. I was eating it because I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, our cat died. My husband and I had a touching bonding moment together. Our relationship has been strained for months, and I thought this could bring us closer. He decided to bring up politics. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 03:30

Melted

Today, I found one of my boyfriend's earbuds in the dryer. He's gonna be pissed. FML

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By Peter - United States - Boca Raton

Liar liar, poop on fire

Today, I was working at the restaurant where I wash dishes. Everyone thinks I'm a tech intern. My buddy Go Synco-ed me and so I had to capture whatever I was doing at the moment. I ran to the restroom, took my tee off and took a pic, stating, "I'm at home taking a shower." There was a guy behind me pooping. FML

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By sarahcurtis213 - United States

Today, I was at the library using a computer to order a package. A man sat down next to me mumbling to himself while staring at me. As I got up to go to the printer, he pointed at me and screamed, "I will burn you alive and enjoy it!" All of my info including my address was still on the computer screen. FML

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By can't breathe - Australia

Today, I was feeling nauseous and my cat was comforting me. I breathed in through my nose, and my cat's fur caused me to sneeze. I sneezed so hard, I threw up out my nose. Nothing will get rid of the smell from within my nasal cavity. FML

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By jakestorm

Blockages

Today, my girlfriend texted me to pick her up some medicine because she’s "all plugged up." When I arrived with laxatives, she yelled at me. She meant her sinuses. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family invited a bunch of their friends over for a party. At some point they decided to play some home videos from many years ago. In one of them, I was 7, I said, "Look Mommy! I can make my pee-pee bigger by doing this!" Everyone saw and laughed. FML

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By Jordan - Jordan - Amman

Bugging out

Today, I wore a new shirt, but forgot to remove the price tag. It was kind of windy outside, so when I got outside, the tag hit me on the neck, I thought it was a giant insect attacking my neck. I started screaming like a little girl. I'm a 30 year-old guy. FML

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By sleepy - United States

Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, l was crouched on the ground in the doorway at a haunted mansion. It's part of my job here to scare the people passing by. A 12 year old girl walked by, I grabbed her leg, and she kicked me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 05:30 - Australia - Ballarat

Classic brain fart

Today, I lovingly simmered a chicken carcass, vegetables and spices to make soup. Two hours it took. After all that, I mindlessly strained out the chicken bones and let the soup pour straight down the sink. FML

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By Passtheicecream

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

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By B.B - United States - New York

Today, my husband brought me breakfast in bed. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful and love him even more for the thought. But the only problem with breakfast in bed is that you have to eat what they bring you, even if it's bad. FML

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By david - United States

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

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By hoolabaloo - India - Ahmadabad

Today, I finally got the courage to confess my feelings to the guy I have loved for a year now in a long note. He called half an hour later and said, "I'm not going to read this crap, just tell me what it says". FML

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By IDontGetPaidEnoughForThisShit - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, on my day off, I received a call from my boss asking why I wasn't at work yet. After getting dressed and an hour-long train ride later, I got there only to find out that it was an April Fool's prank. I had to take the train back home. FML

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By Nico711

Today, my girlfriend and I were out to dinner. She had to use the bathroom, so she went, but the food came while she was in there. She came out, yelling at me for ordering the food to come that exact time, then she broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southfield

Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom told me I couldn't be best man at my best friend's wedding. I'm 25. FML

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By buckid310 - United States

Today, a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. Only problem. The number posted wasn't hers... It was mine. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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Top comments

By klovemachine | 24

#5455175 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:48

And you decreased your chances of reproducing :D

By VasilisaUzhasnaj | 29

#5455207 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:55

"Wanting to impress..." = instant YDI.

Bonus points because they were total strangers.

COMMENTS

By glitz1234 | 6

#5455169 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:47

Lol omgzzzz!!!

By klovemachine | 24

#5455175 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:48

And you decreased your chances of reproducing :D

Reply

klovemachine | 24

#5455188 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:51

Edit: OP is female :(
Oh well, it would have been funnier if OP was male

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5455197 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:53

No.. Op is male..

Reply

eddeeezzyy | 19

#5455246 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:10

I'm just on crack, but that's just me.

Reply

NeinKittenz | 20

#5455260 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:17

#10 you're telling me they aren't supposed too? Shit..

Reply

klovemachine | 24

#5455322 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:50

Oh well...I hate those stupid symbols by the OP's name (hangs head in shame)

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5455338 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:57

Of course women have balls! Ours are just bigger than men's so we have to put them on our chest to prevent chaffing.

Reply

Trisha_aus | 15

#5455351 - Friday 19 April 2013 5:01

And...what did you find Noor?

Reply

Justy101 | 23

#5455920 - Friday 19 April 2013 14:29

Thank god for that.

Reply

wlddog | 14

#5456061 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:49

33 - i find your comment both rude and hilarious.

By bach2121 | 13

#5455179 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:50

I guess i would've laughed too

Reply

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5455258 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:16

Hate show offs... Serves you right!

Reply

TheApostate | 8

#5455381 - Friday 19 April 2013 5:21

Pride before the fall.

Reply

buster113 | 15

#6043293 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 21:00

Just like you picture

By brittyboo123 | 35

#5455186 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:51

Someone's pain is someone else's laughter.

Reply

Trisha_aus | 15

#5455343 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:58

And here we are on FML!

Reply

perdix | 29

#5455435 - Friday 19 April 2013 6:19

#4, the Germans capture that whole sentence in a single word: Schadenfreude.

It's even on my FML T-shirt.

Reply

adriandurnell | 5

#5455511 - Friday 19 April 2013 7:43

that's for sure lol

Reply

MuseFan1991 | 14

#5455967 - Friday 19 April 2013 15:28

i was trying to work how to spell that Perdix :) i love you
i would have found it hysterical if i saw it

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#5455194 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:52

Never try and do something to impress random people unless you're a professional. Otherwise you end up hurting yourself... I speak from experience.

By Pstraka6 | 20

#5455195 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:53

Practice first my friend

By kyrisonfusion | 22

#5455198 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:53

Don't try to look cool....it didnt really work did it?

By VasilisaUzhasnaj | 29

#5455207 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:55

"Wanting to impress..." = instant YDI.

Bonus points because they were total strangers.

Reply

iamananglophile | 18

#5455227 - Friday 19 April 2013 4:00

Exactly what I came here to say.

Reply

ragini95 | 16

#5455533 - Friday 19 April 2013 8:13

I don't get why that is? Everyone likes attention, it's not terrible of him to want some praise geez.

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#5455576 - Friday 19 April 2013 9:07

Completely agree - I could understand if he was trying to impress his mates but total strangers? Who craves that much attention, needs people they don't know to like them so desperately? That's just sad...

By AthiestNun | 11

#5455208 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:55

Just pretend it was all a part of the trick.

By perdix | 29

#5455209 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:55

He was probably disappointed that he didn't get video! Tosh.0 needs shit like that!

Reply

3rdbass | 9

#5455531 - Friday 19 April 2013 8:10

What Daniel Tosh needs is to stop impersonating Joel Mchale.