Today, is my 18th birthday. I call my parents and they tell me...

By alrightsheryl - 28/3/2009 16:40 - United States

Today, is my 18th birthday. I call my parents and they tell me they found weed in the guest house and so they called my boarding school to drug test me. It wasn't my weed. They didn't even say "Happy Birthday." FML

I agree, your life sucks

70447

You deserved it

4880

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Season finale

Healthy relationship

Basic Instinct

By Gears - 29/4/2019 16:00

Today, I had dinner at a local fast food joint. There's an employee there that I usually talk to and flirt with, so I thought maybe it was time to ask for her number. After a small conversation and almost getting to the point, she told me, "I'm 17." I'm 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1734

You deserved it

571

Favorite

By Theaccident - 22/1/2011 10:03 - Australia

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43857

You deserved it

3634

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, I noticed how big my brother's package is. If it hadn't been for the fact that my family has taken up walking around naked half the day, I never would have had to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36076

You deserved it

4148

Favorite

By - 7/12/2018 20:00 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I finally lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams, unfortunately she called me by my ex-bestfriend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3694

You deserved it

340

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 09:34 - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I felt my feet slip out from under me and I face-planted in the slushy, dirty, melting snow. I rolled over, completely soaked, and attempted to get up, thinking no one saw me. A mail-man then passed me without offering to help, and said, "I've seen worse." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27284

You deserved it

3020

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/9/2011 12:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46414

You deserved it

5414

Favorite

By omgwhyme - 8/1/2012 14:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56139

You deserved it

49224

Favorite

By gordogs 25 - 4/4/2012 10:53 - New Zealand - Auckland

Leave Me Alone

Today, I woke up for the third time in a row from a wet dream about my ex-girlfriend. I'm currently on my honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37955

You deserved it

12946

Favorite

By Twiddle - 7/12/2009 07:00 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend invited me for dinner to meet his parents. Turns out his stepmother is my gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41569

You deserved it

2896

Favorite

By kids - 12/5/2014 05:17

Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65659

You deserved it

5533

Favorite

By small dick energy - 2/5/2019 04:00

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2347

You deserved it

220

Favorite

By bananamuffin - 30/3/2012 19:13 - United States

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6986

You deserved it

73758

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/2/2012 00:58 - United States

Today, it's been one week since my demented grandma babysat my five-year-old daughter while my husband took me to a fancy restaurant. Now she's taken to screaming and calling me a "damn commie" whenever I discipline or say no to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25524

You deserved it

5813

Favorite

By nevergoingonabusagain - 30/5/2009 06:52 - Canada

Today, there were no more seats on the bus I was taking home, which meant I had to stand. I noticed that a creepy guy sitting in front of me had a boner, so I took a few steps back. Suddenly the bus went through something like a speed bump, which caused me to fall and sit on the man's lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76977

You deserved it

5676

Favorite

By PieterseMJ - 2/11/2012 12:17 - South Africa - Sandton

Today, my company had a Halloween party. I was so excited seeing as our company never does anything, so I pulled out all the stops with my costume. I was the only one who got dressed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27083

You deserved it

3677

Favorite

By BilletsDoudous - 15/1/2015 06:51 - France

Today, I'm a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting guy of about 30 gets on board with two huge bags. Worried, I keep an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33327

You deserved it

3338

Favorite

By OverWorked1 - 20/1/2011 03:59 - United States

Today, I was talking to a co-worker about birth control. Ten minutes later, I went to my sent e-mails to copy and reuse an old e-mail and realized I had sent "I tried calling you but your birth control is not working" to a student. It was supposed to say "voicemail". FML

I agree, your life sucks

10298

You deserved it

24146

Favorite

By Beeisc00l - 5/10/2011 18:58 - Reserved

Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30516

You deserved it

22417

Favorite

By well then... - 21/2/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, I was approached by a girl who called me a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend, then punched me in the face. I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75325

You deserved it

3361

Favorite

By steven - 24/1/2013 05:16 - United States - Orinda

Today, I took an IQ test and ended up scoring above average. Feeling good about myself, I decided to bake some cookies. After 30 minutes of them not doing anything in the oven, I realized I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19144

You deserved it

34263

Favorite

By WTF, America? - 3/8/2013 21:57 - Sweden

Today, I was convinced by my friends to watch an episode of the American TV show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". They said it was bad, but I didn't anticipate having a full-blown panic attack ten minutes into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45145

You deserved it

9564

Favorite

By CierraJordan - 14/3/2012 11:31 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the world did not used to be black and white. It was just the pictures that were. She still doesn't believe me. She's eighteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31048

You deserved it

2702

Favorite

By stupidpolicia - 25/9/2009 08:33 - Brazil

Today, the gas station right in front of my apartment had people listening to loud music all night. I have this 3 hour test at 7:30am and didn't get any sleep. Worst of all, here in Brazil, calling the police won't help a thing. Instead of actually helping, they'll stop and join the party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43692

You deserved it

3310

Favorite

By cduttl1230 - 26/6/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, after getting my appendix taken out, we had to drive over five sets of railroad tracks. Then, my four year old brother decided to punch me in the stomach because, "I took away his mommy for two days." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46954

You deserved it

3316

Favorite

By iwannagotomiamitoo - 19/8/2013 04:30 - United States - Brookline

Today, I found out that apparently I'm in Miami. I am also enjoying a five-star hotel and all of its services. Only one problem: I'm still here, stuck in a small suburban town. F*ck identity theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53547

You deserved it

3135

Favorite

By Satver7 - 10/3/2017 22:00

An Inconvenient Thief

Today, after meeting a girl for the first time and having sex with her, I found not only my wallet missing but also the 128 GB pen drive that had my project I've been working on for 6 months on it. I have to give the presentation in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6104

You deserved it

4510

Favorite

By weak - 23/2/2014 14:36 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was helping my wife bring in the groceries. She was able to carry 4 bags and a jug of milk. I was struggling with 2 bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37295

You deserved it

22492

Favorite

By t2t2sync - 3/8/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, while leaving work, I noticed a woman struggling with her wheelchair. Trying to be kind, I grabbed the handles and began to push her. A few moments later, the front wheels caught on something and I ended up dumping her onto the ground. Now my coworkers all think I'm a huge douche. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35430

You deserved it

5672

Favorite

By Hayley - 24/2/2018 19:00

Bad Luck Brian

Today, my doctor told me that my lungs are as bad as a 60-year-old heavy smoker's. I'm 19 and I've never touched a cigarette in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4989

You deserved it

217

Favorite

By PiZzA_FaCe - 29/5/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52194

You deserved it

5229

Favorite

By datgurllllukno - 15/10/2014 06:26 - United States

Food for thought

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42100

You deserved it

5935

Favorite

By oh lord - 27/5/2012 16:06 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28445

You deserved it

16769

Favorite

By rhcpgurl - 23/7/2015 15:07 - United States - San Jose

Today, after 2 months of searching, I finally found a good, stable job. How does the universe reward me upon waking up on my very first day? With a burning yeast infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26713

You deserved it

2639

Favorite

By notmyfam - 9/9/2016 07:47 - Australia - Chester Hill

Today, my boyfriend stood me up. At dinner with his parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15461

You deserved it

1020

Favorite

By DaisyMay - 4/4/2011 19:47 - United States

Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37249

You deserved it

5183

Favorite

By Ross R - 27/12/2012 08:52 - United States - Richland

Today, I decided to cover a coworker's closing shift because she felt sick. My boss even gave me a $10 gift card for doing it. I felt good about it, until I walked outside and found that my car had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38120

You deserved it

2377

Favorite

By IEatDammit - 30/1/2009 03:26 - Canada

Today, I had a stomach virus, so I didn't eat anything. My new roommate asked me if I was anorexic and to prove I wasn't, I ate a sandwich in front of her... Only to go into the bathroom and throw it up later. She heard and now thinks I'm bulimic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27314

You deserved it

6162

Favorite

By C BOMB - 14/9/2015 23:58 - Australia - Toowong

Today, I was getting coffee when I pulled my lip balm from my pocket and started playing with it in my hands, tapping it on my face and lip. There were there two gorgeous guys in front of me who kept turning around and staring at me. I was actually holding a tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17821

You deserved it

19192

Favorite

By muskogee - 20/9/2019 16:00

Prince Charming

Today, my boyfriend wouldn’t stop smacking and slurping his food. I told him to at least chew with his mouth closed. He looked me dead in the eye, with a mouth full of chewed up pizza, and said, “No.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

1253

You deserved it

301

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/2/2016 07:49 - United States - La Mesa

Today, while working third shift alone at a gas station, I had to deal with a crazy guy tripping balls and asking me if it was okay to bring a gun into the place. I don't get paid nearly enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21218

You deserved it

1577

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By DeeJayD | 0

#65310 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:35

Wait a minute. You're at boarding school. It was in the guest house. What's wrong with this picture? Your parents are either just assholes, or phenomenally stupid.

By dudewithface | 0

#65274 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:21

happy birthday :)

COMMENTS

By dudewithface | 0

#65274 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:21

happy birthday :)

victoria4161993 | 0

#1019996 - Saturday 5 June 2010 7:32

you are 18???? can't you just move out they can't do that???

loganm22 | 0

#1029005 - Sunday 13 June 2010 3:46

they're not going to say happy birthday to you if they just found weed on your bed (even though it's not yours)

treesdevin | 0

#1274070 - Friday 20 August 2010 5:35

fuck his birthday...... you're one year closer to dying congrats......FYL & fuck your parents for being beezies....

chocolatedrop | 0

#1341859 - Friday 3 September 2010 6:21

clearly they don't love u if ur in boarding school

hannah1203 | 2

#1826393 - Saturday 11 December 2010 6:32

It wasn't your weed, it was mine ;)

cocobulla1 | 4

#2548152 - Sunday 22 May 2011 10:09

happy birthday!!!! and lmao!!!!

By lubby_fml | 0

#65277 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:22

Happy birthday! ^_^

edit: damn second..... Well yay for the weed not being yours. XD

brianjman14 | 22

#1883618 - Thursday 23 December 2010 18:31

wats so good about the weed not being his?

By darkness_within | 0

#65279 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:22

Happy Birthday!

By SwordSlasher | 0

#65280 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:22

Happy birthday :D

By UrLifeDoesntSuck | 0

#65282 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:23

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6247836 - Monday 30 March 2015 19:22

so now calling your parents on your birthday is fishing for compliments? SERIOUSLY?!

By greenman_fml | 0

#65284 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:24

you're at least going to smoke a birthday blunt right? stick it to the man!

suxs4ulol | 22

#3517842 - Monday 31 October 2011 6:13

i hate u! plus if shes in a boarding school how would she smoke da weed at the house?

By mariposa25 | 0

#65288 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:24

Well you should piss clean then, what's there to worry about? And happy birthday.

By FusioN_fml | 0

#65306 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:35

take the drug test then go buy some weed, bring it back to your guest house, smoke it, then say "now you have a reason to believe i have weed"

By DeeJayD | 0

#65310 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:35

Wait a minute. You're at boarding school. It was in the guest house. What's wrong with this picture? Your parents are either just assholes, or phenomenally stupid.

By emmadawie | 0

#65314 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:37

HAPPPPPPPPYY BIRTHDAY :D and oh that sucks :( (N)