Miscellaneous: Today, is my 18th birthday. I call my parents and they tell me...

By alrightsheryl - United States

Today, is my 18th birthday. I call my parents and they tell me they found weed in the guest house and so they called my boarding school to drug test me. It wasn't my weed. They didn't even say "Happy Birthday." FML

I agree, your life sucks

70479

You deserved it

4881

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Triage

Lose the boyfriend, not the weight

Judgmental

By Jaymail - 17/8/2020 08:01

It's close enough

Today, after many hours studying a complete course of Spanish, I felt really good. I had accomplished something, something I could really use next week when I fly to Mexico on vacation. Then I found out what I had learned was Spanish as they speak it in Spain, not how they speak it in Latin America. FML

I agree, your life sucks

719

You deserved it

1019

Favorite

By Carlos Cervantes_1981647997

Today, I was talking to a colleague at a meeting, and I told him about my promotion and how the position was created specifically for me. I forgot that the guy works in HR, and he started questioning me about how the division was able to create the position, and said that he will need to look at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

721

You deserved it

2106

Favorite

By ugh - United States

Smooth talker

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36684

You deserved it

5543

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36474

You deserved it

5155

Favorite

By SLOMan90 - United States

Today, my college professor handed every student a note card and told us to rate his looks from 1 to 5. Is this what I pay $20,000 a year for? FML

I agree, your life sucks

33260

You deserved it

3760

Favorite

By ugh - United States - Milford

Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12328

You deserved it

1099

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. My wife came in and thought I was jerking him off. She wouldn't believe my explanation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14566

You deserved it

1105

Favorite

By amandanoelle - United States - Hot Springs National Park

Today, I realized how stagnant my life has become when, while eating some leftover salad with crackers I'd left out the night before, I decided to open some new crackers and put them with the stale, and giggled to myself about the excitement of "cracker roulette." FML

I agree, your life sucks

11555

You deserved it

1733

Favorite

By medstudent - United States

Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56283

You deserved it

9921

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my dog had diarrhea in his cage. While I was carrying his dirty bed downstairs to the washer, he ran by and tripped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2583

You deserved it

276

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33612

You deserved it

3162

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my girlfriend told me she loved me for the first time. Unfortunately, it was her way of saying that she didn't want to lose me after cheating on me yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23625

You deserved it

1465

Favorite

By no low five - United States

Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44779

You deserved it

6031

Favorite

By thompson773 - United States

Today, I was sick on an airplane. As we were taking off, I felt like I was ready to hurl. I was sitting in the window seat and was unable to get up in time to go to the bathroom so I was forced to grab the nearest container to puke in. It was a glass of juice belonging to the woman next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44254

You deserved it

9763

Favorite

By Pill popping zit monster

Today, my period has given to me 4 giant zits, 3 screaming shits, 2 stomach ulcers, and a fever blister on my lips. A few days until Christmas and the gifts keep coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7118

You deserved it

639

Favorite

By just physical - Canada - Sarnia

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

31285

You deserved it

10332

Favorite

By nick - United States

Today, I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. I came across a word document titled "Experiences". Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20273

You deserved it

5346

Favorite

By Baboosh - Canada

Today, was my first day as a bouncer. I was a bit late and didn't meet all the staff. Later that night, some fairly drunk guy was trying to force his way in, I told him we were at capacity and that he would have to wait. He kept trying and I ended up pushing him to the floor. He was the owner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42016

You deserved it

13888

Favorite

By lft - United States

Today, I called over my math teacher to ask a question. I have a really bad cold. I asked him about a problem and he reached over my desk to point at the diagram and explain it. Then I suddenly had to sneeze and I got tons of snot all over his hand and arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48847

You deserved it

10131

Favorite

By Florida - United States - Winchester

Today, when I went to work, my nice coworker gave me a gift basket. And cookies. I had to tell him that I caught his kid keying my car last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10853

You deserved it

693

Favorite

By Willow - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me why he stood me up last night instead of coming over to visit. Apparently me telling him I couldn't wait for him to do naughty things to me turned him off, and made him feel like a piece of meat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39966

You deserved it

11726

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up to an unfamiliar male face right beside mine. I flipped out fell of my 4 foot raised bed and got a concussion. Who, you may ask, was in my bed? My Robert Pattinson pillowcase. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9489

You deserved it

71279

Favorite

By Whatswrongwithme? - United Kingdom

Today, I told my girlfriend I loved her. She left and never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55672

You deserved it

5707

Favorite

By thisisstupid_17

Today, I met up with my boyfriend early before work to have some "fun time". We hadn't had sex in a while and decided to try it doggy style, up against the wall. We had been doing it for about 15 minutes until he abruptly stopped and said, "I don't know if it's in." It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12635

You deserved it

1318

Favorite

By notthedad - China

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60362

You deserved it

5632

Favorite

By kansasgirl - United States

Today, my two year old decided to run out the front door alone. I ran after him, tripped over the bottom of my jeans, fell onto the sidewalk and scraped up both my hands and knees. My neighbors just watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24691

You deserved it

4355

Favorite

By Sweet Jesus - 18/6/2020 14:02

NCIS: Dumbass Response Team

Today, when my almost-16-year-old asked if the 9-1-1 phone number was named after 9/11, I forgave her because she wasn't even born when it happened, but when my 18-year-old asked if jelly comes from jellyfish, I wondered if I've failed as a parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1315

You deserved it

627

Favorite

By malicemassacre

Capitalism kills

Today, the county I live in is quarantined. My boss announced that, "We keep working until the government says they will shoot us if we leave the house.” We work in a call center. Not essential at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1893

You deserved it

207

Favorite

By I knew it! - United States - Washington

Today, I woke up to 6 missed calls. I called back to find a woman asking how I know her boyfriend after seeing our texts. I told her he's been my boyfriend for 4 months, and she told me he's been hers for over a year. He vehemently denied knowing who I am as I spoke, even with obvious proof. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4002

You deserved it

285

Favorite

By mylovelifeisanepicfail - United Kingdom - London

Today, I discovered that the man I have been talking to on a dating site is actually my ex-boyfriend. He created a fake profile and made me fall for someone that doesn't exist. We got on better anonymously than we ever did in 3 years together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34672

You deserved it

3868

Favorite

By sadsexer23 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28573

You deserved it

6609

Favorite

By katieemw95

I'm not drunk, you're drunk!

Today, I came home from partying all night, having stayed completely sober. My Dad, blind drunk, told me he was proud of me for staying sober. He claims to have been sober longer than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1307

You deserved it

103

Favorite

By "levsterx"

Today, my mom dragged me along with her to a baby shower. I was the only guy there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4501

You deserved it

595

Favorite

By edavis1993 - United States - Milford

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25869

You deserved it

1459

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, formal portraits of my entire class were posted online, with about five photos per person. As my mom was looking at them, she was commenting about how pretty all my classmates look. When she got to my photos, all she had to say was "ugh". FML

I agree, your life sucks

25731

You deserved it

2530

Favorite

By anonymous

Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4399

You deserved it

414

Favorite

By introublenow - United States - Tallahassee

Whoops

Today, I woke up to a cat licking my face. I don't have a cat. I quickly put the cat out the front door and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I remembered that I had agreed to take care of my sister's cat for a week. I looked out the door, but the cat is nowhere to be found. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16931

You deserved it

33203

Favorite

By claubea11 - Puerto Rico - Ponce

Today, I decided to light a lantern and watch it fly with my girlfriend after midnight. The neighbor's tree caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40673

You deserved it

13692

Favorite

By irony, huh?

Alexa, play "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette

Today, I got mugged. For an actual mug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1288

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8954

You deserved it

44395

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By DeeJayD | 0

#65310 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:35

Wait a minute. You're at boarding school. It was in the guest house. What's wrong with this picture? Your parents are either just assholes, or phenomenally stupid.

By dudewithface | 0

#65274 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:21

happy birthday :)

COMMENTS

By dudewithface | 0

#65274 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:21

happy birthday :)

victoria4161993 | 0

#1019996 - Saturday 5 June 2010 7:32

you are 18???? can't you just move out they can't do that???

loganm22 | 0

#1029005 - Sunday 13 June 2010 3:46

they're not going to say happy birthday to you if they just found weed on your bed (even though it's not yours)

treesdevin | 0

#1274070 - Friday 20 August 2010 5:35

fuck his birthday...... you're one year closer to dying congrats......FYL & fuck your parents for being beezies....

chocolatedrop | 0

#1341859 - Friday 3 September 2010 6:21

clearly they don't love u if ur in boarding school

hannah1203 | 2

#1826393 - Saturday 11 December 2010 6:32

It wasn't your weed, it was mine ;)

cocobulla1 | 4

#2548152 - Sunday 22 May 2011 10:09

happy birthday!!!! and lmao!!!!

By lubby_fml | 0

#65277 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:22

Happy birthday! ^_^

edit: damn second..... Well yay for the weed not being yours. XD

brianjman14 | 22

#1883618 - Thursday 23 December 2010 18:31

wats so good about the weed not being his?

By darkness_within | 0

#65279 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:22

Happy Birthday!

By SwordSlasher | 0

#65280 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:22

Happy birthday :D

By UrLifeDoesntSuck | 0

#65282 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:23

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6247836 - Monday 30 March 2015 19:22

so now calling your parents on your birthday is fishing for compliments? SERIOUSLY?!

By greenman_fml | 0

#65284 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:24

you're at least going to smoke a birthday blunt right? stick it to the man!

suxs4ulol | 22

#3517842 - Monday 31 October 2011 6:13

i hate u! plus if shes in a boarding school how would she smoke da weed at the house?

By mariposa25 | 0

#65288 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:24

Well you should piss clean then, what's there to worry about? And happy birthday.

By FusioN_fml | 0

#65306 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:35

take the drug test then go buy some weed, bring it back to your guest house, smoke it, then say "now you have a reason to believe i have weed"

By DeeJayD | 0

#65310 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:35

Wait a minute. You're at boarding school. It was in the guest house. What's wrong with this picture? Your parents are either just assholes, or phenomenally stupid.

By emmadawie | 0

#65314 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:37

HAPPPPPPPPYY BIRTHDAY :D and oh that sucks :( (N)