Miscellaneous: Today, is my 18th birthday. I call my parents and they tell me...

By alrightsheryl - United States

Today, is my 18th birthday. I call my parents and they tell me they found weed in the guest house and so they called my boarding school to drug test me. It wasn't my weed. They didn't even say "Happy Birthday." FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

All for nothing

Teenagers, amirite?

By WellThen - United States

Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML

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By Augh. - United States

Today, I discovered that the school I transferred from last year is closing. All the people that I so happily escaped from and left behind at that school will now be flocking to my new school senior year. Faaaantastic. FML

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By JoanT - 31/8/2020 20:01 - United States - Kailua Kona

Bed of nails

Today, my boyfriend’s bed is so uncomfortable that even after six months of not seeing him, I’m sleeping on the floor so I can actually get some sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Venus

He who smelled it…

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

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By cande - United States

Today, my apartment complex added $250 to the $1,000 my roomate and I already owe because of an unauthorized pet and complaints from neighbors that our dog barks all night long. We don't have a dog, we don't even have a pet. FML

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By faeliality

Today, after finally getting my drivers license, I was able to drive myself to school for the first time! I got fined $50 for accidentally parking in the wrong lot. FML

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By Embarrassed ass. - United States - Oregon City

Today, while on a walk during lunch, I urgently needed to pee. Not thinking I could make it back to the office, I slipped into some bushes to relieve myself. As I was going, I looked to the side and saw two coworkers staring back at me. They were having sex, and I'm there with my dick out. Awkward. FML

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By bob - United States

Today, my grandmother refused to wear clothes. FML

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By Dogless - United States

Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML

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By officework - Canada - Toronto

Today, during the "what can your manager do to help with your career aspirations" section of my annual review, my manager basically told me she wouldn't help me and I should quit. FML

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By XxDanno316xX - United States

Today, I was training a new person. The job included driving around the city all day, during which she decided to hang her head out the window and bark like a dog. I spent an 8 hour shift with her. FML

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By pandasbear - United States

Today, I went on a first date wearing a new hair color. It was Interior Latex Slate Speckled Grey, from accidentally leaning my head against a wall while house painting earlier. FML

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By e11ie - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

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By Ashamed - United States - Somerville

Today, I blurted out something like "humdidumdum erm lalala" in public, attracting mystified stares. The thing is, I do this every time I remember something embarrassing I've said or done in the past, in an attempt to erase it out of my consciousness. So it happens a lot. FML

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By SadFace - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I realized my acne is so bad that the Facebook face recognition could recognize all of my friends in a group photo except me. FML

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By katara - United States

Busted

Today, I was relaxing on the couch after a long day with my annoying aunt when I heard my sister come in from the garage. I loudly asked, "Do you think Aunt Stacy knows everybody doesn't like her?" It wasn't my sister. It was my aunt returning my purse I had left in her car. FML

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By questionmark707 - United States - Fullerton

Today, while driving my car near a farm, I hit a man on the side of the road. I started freaking out and got out of the car to help him. It was then that I found out that I'd hit a scarecrow. FML

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By yosmurf

They're perfect for each other!

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

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By i'm not psychic, mother fucker - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I got a text message while driving home. I checked after arriving, and found it was a kinky text from my boyfriend, so I sent him an even kinkier reply. He later raged at me, because I somehow should have known he was showing off his phone to his mom when I sent my reply. FML

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By rita

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

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By chawlay - United States

Today, I had to sift through hundreds of pages of legal documents. They were all written in Comic Sans font. FML

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By vsf - United States

Today, my parents wouldn't let me go to the fair because they reckon my IQ is so low, I could quite possibly choke on cotton candy and pass out confused by the hall of mirrors. FML

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By Big Baby

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my friend to hand in my homework for me since I have tonsillitis. She thought it would be funny to draw a big heart on it with my teacher's name inside, which she then handed in. FML

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By spenmy - United States

Today, it was a little colder than it should be for this time of year, and as a result I was using the heater in my car. Apparently within the last four months, a mouse managed to make his way into my heater vent and die. I can not get the smell of death out of my car. FML

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By no spare - United States - Marquette

Today, I woke up to find out that the two front tires on our van were flat. Now we won't have a vehicle all week since the tire shop is booked solid. We just went through this with the rear tires two weeks ago. FML

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By - 2/2/2020 18:00

Don't worry dad

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

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By Somekindofcaleb

Today, my car died after I got off work at 1am. All of my coworkers had already left and nobody could come out to jump my car. I had to walk the 3 miles home in a torrential downpour. FML

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By embarassed - United States

Today, I went for a hike with my new boyfriend on a fairly deserted trail my ex-husband had shown me awhile back. In all my hikes there, I've never seen another person and figured it would be okay to get intimate. Guess who came hiking past? That's right, my ex-husband. And our 8yr old son. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I woke up late. My grandparents had slept over the night before but they usually left early. I heard someone in the kitchen and thinking it was my brother, I said "Thank god, the geriatric crew is FINALLY gone." My grandma responds, "No we're not." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

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By lurna301 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend's mother introduced me as his "friend". We've been together for 10 years. FML

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By mdg - United States - North Windham

Today, while at work taking notes on a pad of paper, my boss witnessed me trying to scroll down on the paper, as if it was a touch-screen phone. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. He didn't know how to take off my bra and insisted that he'd figure it out on his own. He gave up a couple seconds later and played video games instead. FML

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By ohshit - Canada

Today, I was painting my bedroom walls, when I was struck with an uncontrollable bout of diarrhea. I had to watch helplessly from the en-suite bathroom as my 2 year old daughter painted a lovely picture for me, all over my new $500 sofa. FML

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By bad samaritan - United States - Houston

Today, a parent was too busy texting to notice her child had run in front of a moving truck. She did however see me grab the child's backpack to yank him back out of traffic. She then screamed at me for "manhandling" her child and demanded I be fired. It's not even my school; I'm a part time sub. FML

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By EB - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I asked my parents if they'd pay for me to go to the eye doctor and consider it my Christmas present. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 01:08 - United States - Cleveland

Grateful

Today, my mom made me shovel our long driveway, as it had just snowed a couple of inches. It took me two and half hours to finish. She came out and said, "Wow, is this really the best you can do?" FML

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By natasha - 1/7/2020 05:03

The void

Today, my depression has hit a new low. I had to verbally motivate myself for at least an hour in order to wash two plates. I ended up giving up in the middle, and completely shutting down for six hours afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML

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Top comments

By DeeJayD | 0

#65310 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:35

Wait a minute. You're at boarding school. It was in the guest house. What's wrong with this picture? Your parents are either just assholes, or phenomenally stupid.

By dudewithface | 0

#65274 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:21

happy birthday :)

COMMENTS

By dudewithface | 0

#65274 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:21

happy birthday :)

victoria4161993 | 0

#1019996 - Saturday 5 June 2010 7:32

you are 18???? can't you just move out they can't do that???

loganm22 | 0

#1029005 - Sunday 13 June 2010 3:46

they're not going to say happy birthday to you if they just found weed on your bed (even though it's not yours)

treesdevin | 0

#1274070 - Friday 20 August 2010 5:35

fuck his birthday...... you're one year closer to dying congrats......FYL & fuck your parents for being beezies....

chocolatedrop | 0

#1341859 - Friday 3 September 2010 6:21

clearly they don't love u if ur in boarding school

hannah1203 | 2

#1826393 - Saturday 11 December 2010 6:32

It wasn't your weed, it was mine ;)

cocobulla1 | 4

#2548152 - Sunday 22 May 2011 10:09

happy birthday!!!! and lmao!!!!

By lubby_fml | 0

#65277 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:22

Happy birthday! ^_^

edit: damn second..... Well yay for the weed not being yours. XD

brianjman14 | 22

#1883618 - Thursday 23 December 2010 18:31

wats so good about the weed not being his?

By darkness_within | 0

#65279 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:22

Happy Birthday!

By SwordSlasher | 0

#65280 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:22

Happy birthday :D

By UrLifeDoesntSuck | 0

#65282 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:23

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6247836 - Monday 30 March 2015 19:22

so now calling your parents on your birthday is fishing for compliments? SERIOUSLY?!

By greenman_fml | 0

#65284 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:24

you're at least going to smoke a birthday blunt right? stick it to the man!

suxs4ulol | 22

#3517842 - Monday 31 October 2011 6:13

i hate u! plus if shes in a boarding school how would she smoke da weed at the house?

By mariposa25 | 0

#65288 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:24

Well you should piss clean then, what's there to worry about? And happy birthday.

By FusioN_fml | 0

#65306 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:35

take the drug test then go buy some weed, bring it back to your guest house, smoke it, then say "now you have a reason to believe i have weed"

By DeeJayD | 0

#65310 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:35

Wait a minute. You're at boarding school. It was in the guest house. What's wrong with this picture? Your parents are either just assholes, or phenomenally stupid.

By emmadawie | 0

#65314 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:37

HAPPPPPPPPYY BIRTHDAY :D and oh that sucks :( (N)