Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML
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Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend to our local park, and I playfully climbed into one of the baby swings. I planned on having him push me, not getting stuck and having to be cut free from the seat while he laughed. FML
Today, my child was refusing to leave the playground. I had to pry her, screaming and crying, from the monkey bars. I then realized I had been assaulting someone else's kid. FML
Today, my sweet 7-month-old puppy ran up to a big fat dog at the park and did what she always does: roll over on her back to start to play. The big fat dog lifted his leg and peed all over my puppy's belly. After the shock, my soaking wet puppy jumped on me. FML
Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year-old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML
Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML
Today, I put my 5 month-old daughter in her swinging chair and walked into the kitchen to make her a bottle. When I came back, she was giggling because the dog was licking her face. It would have been cute, picture worthy even, if I actually had a dog. FML
Today, my son trained his little sister to walk up to strangers and whimper: "My mommy punches me." FML
Today, my 3-year-old daughter asked me to carry her from the car to the house. I asked her for 3 kisses and a hug in return. She said she'd rather walk instead. FML
Today, I spun a two year old upside down, in circles. She wasn't remotely dizzy. I threw up on myself. FML
Today, my 80lb black lab decided that the moment I start doing pushups is her cue to mount me. FML
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Top comments
FML_allthetime 0
hahahaha! thats pretty great! if i were another parent in the park, i would be concerned...
Recon_fml 0
This was a much needed laugh for the day Thanks! My wife and I do it doggy style all the time. I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead. :P
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Comments (88)
Unidentified 0
If I was a witness to that, I probably would've pissed myself laughing, aha!
Recon_fml 0
This was a much needed laugh for the day Thanks! My wife and I do it doggy style all the time. I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead. :P
purpledrank 0
makes you sound like you rape your daughter... and yes, the black car following you is social services.
Golden_fml 1
It's okay, once my mom had to blow dry my hair when I was like six because I wanted her to curl the ends, and I couldn't do it myself, and she said one second, and I was getting impatient, so I said, "Can we get on with this ******* already?" She laughed, and told me to never say that again. Hahah, kids say dumb things.
alm1203 0
Haha!! I'm pretty sure I used to say that when I was little....
haithurmiranda 0
i dont understand how this is your fault
shamille 5
where did she get that from!? when you had been calling it the underdog?!
IngenuityGap 0
Kids say the best shit ever. *remembers telling his grade 1 teacher that "my dad abuses me"*
such_is_life_fml 0
You might want to have "the Talk" with your daughter xD and lol #18
leahk1785 0
At age 4? Are you crazy?
Cassy_fml 0
It makes me kind of self-conscious about the horrific things I must've said when I was a kid (I only remember the cute things!). I'm not sure I want to ask my mom :b #13: Now that's blunt >_<. Couldn't we understand without this? #14: Oooooh the win. That's... yeah, that's Golden, pretty literally. (that was lame, I know :b)