Intimacy: Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching...

By fishruinsex

Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. FML

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Intimacy

Deep-seated resentment

Tense

OK, well, goodbye

By Natalie - United States

Today, I was out enjoying my daily jog, when out of nowhere, a group of kids in a passing car pelted me with ketchup-filled water balloons. FML

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45987

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By anon - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk. It became friendly with another dog, and I reached down to pet them both. Suddenly, an old woman runs up to me and whacks me with her cane repeatedly. Apparently, her previous dog had been kidnapped by a woman who looked a lot like me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML

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40772

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4563

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By shit - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud. And that I wasn't alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17469

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By secretsant4

Today, at an 8 a.m. spin class, I knelt on the floor to set up my bike. The bike next to me was too close, and while the girl on it was pedaling to warm up, she pedaled down hard onto my heel, breaking my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3788

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went for a jog in my neighborhood. While I was running I passed my girlfriend's parents who were out for a walk. Trying to make a good impression, I stopped to talk. When I got home I realized I was wearing a shirt that friends gave me as a joke. It said "Blow me, bitch. It's my b-day." FML

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21089

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By Bambusmaster

Sobering.

Today, I'm on vacation with my best friends. We went to a club and I drunk texted my girlfriend of 1 year about how nice everything is and how much I miss her. She responded by breaking up with me because she likes me more as a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2748

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the painting I worked on for three weeks was rejected from an art contest because the rules prohibit fan art. It wasn't fan art. They mistook it for Twilight fan art. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32653

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By Ms. Heartless - United States

Today, I was riding the subway, reading a book, when a woman suddenly shoved a flyer over my book. Aghast by her rude gesture, I declined to take the paper. I looked over and noticed it was a flyer for a missing girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27499

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By nolongerengaged - United States

Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

77677

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By ouch

Scratch that

Today, after 4 days of using anti-itch cream for what pharmacists and nurses have called “an allergic reaction”, I was diagnosed with shingles. FML

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1567

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By Anonymous

Today, I signed up to a Christian website in order to try and 'find God again'. I got banned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18444

You deserved it

27177

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By stupidapperently - United States

Today, while checking out a couple at work, I handed them their receipt and wished them a good day. The woman promptly pulled her husband to the side, and whispered to him about how much of a "fucking idiot" I was for making the prices so high. I work at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31600

You deserved it

2393

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By Mito

Today, we had an impromptu meeting to get to know the new additions to the team. They asked me to introduce myself. I started a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3516

You deserved it

302

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By rabid_otaku - United States - Sycamore

Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38914

You deserved it

2903

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By EllieS9311 - United States - Montevallo

Today, my 13 year-old son had a seizure in the middle of his history class. We were at the hospital for three hours and several expensive tests later he informed me he faked the seizure so he could get out of a group presentation. He was so proud that he was such a good actor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30460

You deserved it

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By Lord Buttfuck IV - France

Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26663

You deserved it

3737

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

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2902

You deserved it

298

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By Scaredwitless - United States

Spooky

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

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51776

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I found out that my friend uses pictures of me to motivate her to work out. They are accompanied by sayings such as "you don't want to turn out like this." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34361

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By Anto - France

Today, in front of a hospital, I noticed that an old lady was having trouble lighting her cigarette because she had Parkison's. So I went to help her to light it up and she then started chatting with me and told me she had lung cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28842

You deserved it

6862

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By Sarah - United States - Hampton Bays

Today, I found out that I'm not actually allergic to chocolate, when my mom freely admitted to me that she made it up when I was a child because she didn't want to share any cookies with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38711

You deserved it

2089

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By ~JESSICA~ - United States

Today, I woke up late to an urgent voicemail from my dad telling me he left me a present in my car. Excited, I went to investigate. I then saw that his "surprise" was fresh fish he had caught. I hate fish, and now my car stinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26793

You deserved it

3587

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By goodbye-college - Canada

Today, I found out I won't be able to go to college. Why? My sister's horse needs surgery. FML

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51234

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after soccer practice I was looking for my dad. Last night he was an hour late, so I was pretty pissed. When I spotted him, I saw him flirting with a much younger woman. I then tried throwing my soccer ball to his feet, but ended up slamming his head. Only to find out he wasn't my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10759

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I finally watched Toy Story 3; I ended up crying when the toys almost die. After the movie, my girlfriend broke up with me because I embarrassed her. FML

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48172

You deserved it

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By Jayanka

Today, my 17-year-old daughter has been sending and receiving videos and pictures of a sexual nature. I just had to wade through a ton of middle-aged dick pics as evidence for the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5042

You deserved it

577

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By Andrea Trevor

Still counts!

Today, I finally did the splits for the first time in my life! Unfortunately, it happened when I stepped in wet dog poop on my kitchen floor. One foot slipped forward in it, and I fell right on top of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2418

You deserved it

215

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By nothing - United States

Today, I went bowling. The guy at the lane next to us was bowling by himself and had a few of his own bowling balls, and he had one that looked like a yin-yang and it looked very cool spinning down the lane into the pins. Not really thinking, I casually said to him "Hey, I like your balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks

18637

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for Easter, my brother and sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate. FML

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142575

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Front line workers

Today, my partner and I got called out to a domestic disturbance. Things turned ugly while we were en-route. Long story short, I now know how many grown men it takes to lift a nearly 400lb shit-covered woman onto a stretcher. I almost reconsidered my choice of career. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22800

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 8-year-old niece corrected my spelling via text message. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9327

You deserved it

36285

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By scared-straight - United States

Today, as I was lying on my bed with one of my arms hanging from the side, I felt something sniff my hand from underneath. I don't have any pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62599

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By SoDead - 5/12/2020 04:01 - United States - Center Point

Overbearing parents are the worst

Today, my mother, who thinks I'm a virgin, called me while I was having sex with my boyfriend. I have to answer every time she calls or she freaks out. I ended the conversation quickly and hung up. Or so I thought. She listened in to the rest of our 20-minute lovemaking session, and I have some explaining to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

571

You deserved it

1231

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62397

You deserved it

4812

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By dwhite032 - United States

Today, I woke up to my Playstation 3 and my laptop missing and window open. My dad faked a robbery to see me freak out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38396

You deserved it

6828

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, some guy on a bike kept taunting me about my weight while I was out jogging. He ended up hitting a street lamp and fell off his bike. I had a real good laugh at him for all of 5 seconds before he got mad and really made me run. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15037

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2237

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By Ugh-Lee - United States

Today, a cute girl sat down next to me on the bus. She looked up at me, and then moved to the back. FML

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33477

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By unknown - United States

Today, I called my husband, who is currently stationed in Japan, to see how he was doing. According to his girlfriend, he's doing fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49308

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By Doors Hate Me - United States

Today, as I was about to open a door at school, a student opened it and hit me. As I recovered and was about to open it again, someone else opened the door, hitting me again. Everyone laughed. FML

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Top comments

By theFMLiest1ofThe | 0

#1814039 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:06

do fish turn him on because they remind him of you? or part of you?

By TheLetterZero | 7

#1814049 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:08

Guess you could say he was...
*sunglasses*
hooked on that program.
YEEEAAAHHH!

COMMENTS

By imhowie | 2

#1814022 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:04

First!

TheLetterZero | 7

#1814029 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:05

Modded!

By c8750 | 2

#1814024 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:05

Wow, what a loser

ClickMyPicture | 0

#1814523 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 17:36

It's funny cause the fish turns him on and not you ;)

CrazyDutch | 0

#1814768 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 18:51

your gay

Illblowyourmind | 3

#1815688 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 22:38

I have a feeling he likes "'fishsticks'" ;)

katplayer | 4

#1816261 - Thursday 9 December 2010 1:05

Well, he can't be that much of a loser if he's got a girl's hands down his pants...

bioboy725 | 10

#1817453 - Thursday 9 December 2010 3:40

haha 66 maybe he's a gay fish?

Notimetobleed | 14

#1817845 - Thursday 9 December 2010 5:53

#66 is defiantly loosy goosy :(

Illblowyourmind | 3

#1818039 - Thursday 9 December 2010 7:14

#76 I think so xD

Illblowyourmind | 3

#1818178 - Thursday 9 December 2010 8:20

where'd did get that idea?!

TwoInTheBush | 0

#2173631 - Friday 11 March 2011 17:38

87 your really sexy xD

By theFMLiest1ofThe | 0

#1814039 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:06

do fish turn him on because they remind him of you? or part of you?

xcubbiebearx | 0

#1814274 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:46

that was just rude.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1814360 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 17:01

That was just rude saying "that was just rude"

"Snapper" are hot!(:

clothesoptional | 0

#1814866 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 18:59

You are hilarious Jersey! Awesome I <3 you

By TheLetterZero | 7

#1814049 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:08

Guess you could say he was...
*sunglasses*
hooked on that program.
YEEEAAAHHH!

MexRomeo | 0

#1814073 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:09

*sunglasses*
YYEEAAHH

DynamicDave | 11

#1814083 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:10

This guy wins! Haha

premiermois | 5

#1814735 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 18:42

#5 I love you

maccamcrbja | 5

#1815896 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 23:41

LMAO WIN #5!!! 8D

OnlyAvailableID | 28

#1853616 - Thursday 16 December 2010 15:31

By theFMLiest1ofThe | 0

#1814093 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:12

he was more interested in a fish on a pole, than he was in pole-ing your fish, I guess.

c8750 | 2

#1814140 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:16

Maybe he wants to get poled Lol

Fa7_fml | 0

#1814916 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 19:02

Why do you comment so many bad puns?

memo619 | 0

#1815685 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 22:38

I guess trial and error doesn't work for everyone

movie141 | 0

#1815967 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 23:52

he might have been getting ideas ;p

By BadKitty13 | 27

#1814098 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:12

Sounds fishy to me.......

UrNotFunny | 0

#1814595 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 17:58

Why..?

dubstep87 | 0

#1814644 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 18:24

this is a boring fml

Nandito2 | 0

#1815634 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 22:05

Cuz guys don't get soft wen something bad happens, I'm pretty sure it doesn't affect the blood flow in his cock if he gets sad...

daymann | 0

#1818056 - Thursday 9 December 2010 7:20

but I'm pretty sure adrenaline that you could get from being really into the show could cause your penis to tighten up and retrace because it's a natural reaction when your fighting or exerting yourself physically in an unsexual way so your penis doesn't get ripped off or some shit

By Terezi | 0

#1814130 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:15

I guess he just had bigger fish to fry at the time.

By ulicksam | 0

#1814135 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:15

YDI if you can't distract him from tv, not matter what show is on.

By TheBeastmaster | 0

#1814155 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:18

what excellent use of the word flaccid. why does it always have to be saved for limp penises though...

BloodyHeel | 8

#1818423 - Thursday 9 December 2010 10:17

Cos that is the most correct way to describe your penis.

By Terezi | 0

#1814159 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:19

Inb4 everyone suggests you just dump him.