Intimacy: Today, I was in the shower with my boyfriend, and things started... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 478

You deserved it 72

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 514

You deserved it 37

09/08/2013 22:23

Spicy

Today, I was in the shower with my boyfriend, and things started to get heated. That's where it all went to hell; I slipped and fell, bringing down with me the curtain and grooming products, and putting my back out. There goes my sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 348

You deserved it 7 384

And today, on Dr Phil…

Let it all out

Bad job

16/08/2011 06:52

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 713

You deserved it 3 851

07/08/2011 05:29

Today, while watching tv at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realizes she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 091

You deserved it 5 033

One law for thee…

By Anonymous - 22/08/2021 13:59

Today, my boss called me while I was working from home to bitch me out over being away from my computer for 49 minutes, when my lunch break is only 45 minutes, thus wasting another 13 minutes. My boss is known for spending hours online gaming from home during work hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 004

You deserved it 94

20/05/2013 16:02

Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 211

You deserved it 4 656

23/09/2010 01:25

Today, I was trying to relieve a dog that looked like it was choking because it was tied to a pole while its owner was in a restaurant. The owner called a security guard because she was convinced I was trying to steal her dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 086

You deserved it 4 681

31/12/2014 04:38

Today, at work, a 3-year-old threw an egg at me from his cart. I couldn't leave my register to clean my hair because it was too busy, so when the new manager came in, he wrote me up for "unkempt appearance." Now my new hire probation period is extended 30 days, and my nickname is "Egghead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 925

You deserved it 2 581

25/09/2009 15:24

Today, it was my mother's birthday. My 5 year old brother and 85 year old grandma decided to decorate the house with balloons and a blow up "people" they found in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 991

You deserved it 46 698

24/01/2011 06:13

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 977

You deserved it 6 580

06/08/2009 22:18

Today, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. Also today, I found out that I have a crippling fear of heights. My family left me on a ledge hyperventilating and having a mental breakdown, while they hiked for another 2 hours. They won't stop telling me how pretty it was and what I missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 518

You deserved it 8 617

11/02/2012 19:20

Today, I looked over my next homework assignment for art class. It was to draw a portrait of my best friend. I can't think of anyone besides my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 234

You deserved it 4 488

10/02/2009 20:46

Spicy

Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 817

You deserved it 48 529

30/07/2015 01:50

Today, I woke up on the couch and realized I had fallen asleep while doing laundry. Ran to the laundry room, and found all my clothes gone. I really wish I hadn't been doing a load of all my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 928

You deserved it 3 156

02/01/2010 09:18

Today, I was setting up comcast cable boxes for my house. I had the packaging everywhere when I finished. Looking admirably at my job, I backed out my door, and stepped on bubble wrap, scaring myself. I flailed, fell, reached out, grabbing one of the cable wires. I pulled the cable box and my modem off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 474

You deserved it 22 407

01/03/2009 20:36

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 509

You deserved it 9 009

My Baby Boy

By Lilahpaints - 22/10/2019 18:00

Today, twelve days after stomach surgery, I birthed a left behind, forgotten blood-stained stinky surgical swab from my vagina. I have no idea why it was there in the first place. I feel violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 276

You deserved it 131

Double-crossed

By Anonymous - 13/04/2020 20:00

Today, I found out my husband wasn’t really “working from home” in the evenings. He locks himself in his office until the late hours of the night, having intimate Skype sessions with his coworker. That explains why our joint bank account hasn’t seen a direct deposit this past month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 828

You deserved it 149

03/11/2015 03:55

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 853

You deserved it 1 735

20/07/2009 07:07

Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems that during my lunch break, my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 932

You deserved it 10 422

Say nothing

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 00:58

Spicy

Today, right now, my husband is on the phone with his friend. Last night I had a dream I was cheating on him with this friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 692

Nice

By mandiballz - 12/01/2010 06:46

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year-old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He said, "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 722

You deserved it 4 436

07/03/2010 19:56

Spicy

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 978

You deserved it 3 570

21/02/2009 09:35

Today, I was doing my usual routine at the gym which consists of working out on the treadmills right in front of my ex boyfriend to make him feel bad. Whilst doing this, I tried to be cool and do that thing where as the treadmill slows down you turn around and just walk off the end. I fell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 054

You deserved it 68 409

23/10/2013 23:16

Today, I tried to tackle my fear of heights by riding a rollercoaster. Once we were near the top, it malfunctioned, causing it to stop, and we all had to get out and climb back down. My girlfriend laughed at me for how scared I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 067

You deserved it 4 868

Same old story

By Anonymous - 07/10/2021 02:00

Today, after 8 years and a house bought together, I realised I regret getting married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 403

Shark-infested offices

By Anonymous - 23/08/2020 20:01

Today, I attended my father’s funeral. I have the week off work, and one of my colleagues is using this time to make a play for my job. I’m not supposed to be checking emails, so I can’t call them out on it until I get back, by which time it may be too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 697

You deserved it 102

09/02/2015 04:47

Today, my mom asked my siblings and me for help cleaning the kitchen. After working for a half hour while all my siblings sat on the couch, I pointed out that I was the only one working. My mom thanked my siblings for not having attitudes like mine and sent me to my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 310

You deserved it 3 188

04/09/2009 17:36

Today, I began my job as an intern at a high school. I saw one of the students looked very familiar, and I couldn't remember from where. Then I figured it out, I had hooked up with him at a club last week. He's a junior in high school, I'm in my last year of college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 132

You deserved it 52 065

07/03/2012 18:51

Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 990

You deserved it 2 998

21/03/2009 02:39

Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 478

You deserved it 8 347

10/03/2009 18:52

Spicy

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 345

You deserved it 92 057

22/05/2015 15:55

Today, it was hot out, so I wore shorts. My dad took one look at me and said, "Your thighs are so pale, it's like staring into the sun". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 196

You deserved it 3 285

07/04/2011 16:55

Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 719

You deserved it 5 841

15/04/2011 11:38

Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 078

You deserved it 4 741

18/05/2009 06:45

Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 919

You deserved it 23 941

25/11/2011 06:59

Today, I was verbally abused by a guy in a 4-wheel-drive twat-tank for listening to music on my iPod while I was "blocking the way." I was standing on the footpath waiting for a bus. At a bus stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 410

You deserved it 2 685

01/07/2016 02:36

Today, I went to the store, but after I'd selected my items, I saw that I'd forgotten my wallet. When I tried to explain to the cashier, he thought that I was trying to steal and called the cops. My roommate had to come to the store to save me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 132

You deserved it 1 364

22/01/2009 20:49

Today, I moved back home because I got laid off and could no longer afford my apartment. I decided to take a nap and when I woke up I overheard my Mom telling my Aunt that she used to be so proud of me and wonders when I became such a loser. Burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 581

You deserved it 2 938

Alexa, play "Hot Hot Hot" by The Cure

By Talented73 - 07/07/2021 16:01

Today, we're in the middle of a heatwave. When I woke up this morning, I noticed that my scrotum was stuck to the side of my leg from all the perspiration. I had to actually peel it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 125

19/06/2013 07:22

Today, my boyfriend told me he hasn't been to the dentist in two years and definitely doesn't plan on it because, "That's just how the government steals more money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 306

You deserved it 5 746

14/06/2014 21:32

Today, I was using my phone while in a crowded waiting room, and I accidentally tapped on a YouTube video with the volume still at maximum. The first words everyone heard? "Fuck her right in the pussy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 677

You deserved it 25 303

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:33

Cause of injury: lack of adhesive ducks.

0h_Boy 26

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:35

"While you're down there..."

Comments

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:33

Cause of injury: lack of adhesive ducks.

michaelaranda 28

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:40

Op, you should just get those rubber grip thingies for your shower if you want to have sexy showers with your boyfriend. You know whats not sexy? A concussion

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Saturday 10 August 2013 6:12

Well, unless the boyfriend has a thing for unconscious women... as sad as that is.

ptoka 20

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Saturday 10 August 2013 6:26

Suppose I'm the only one here that got the Big Bang Theory reference and laughed...

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Saturday 10 August 2013 6:29

I laughed my ass off.

tommylover842 23

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Saturday 10 August 2013 6:42

I got the reference as well, definitely made me laugh

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Saturday 10 August 2013 6:50

That was the first thing I thought of!

diiiinkleberg 13

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Saturday 10 August 2013 7:20

I'm pretty sure everyone did ..

TheCanucklehead 22

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Saturday 10 August 2013 7:34

Don't worry. Hockey tape fixes everything. It's the only reason my igloos still standing

imaginaryvoice 18

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Saturday 10 August 2013 8:36

There goes your sex life? Unless you're paralyzed, I don't see how your sex life is over. Next time get yourself bathtub adhesives.

TheLittleBear 19

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Saturday 10 August 2013 10:56

32- me too. Laughed my arse off. Ah, Sheldon....

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Saturday 10 August 2013 18:35

When Penny broke her shoulder?

thefmlman2011 35

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Sunday 12 April 2015 23:38

ones with umbrellas?

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:33

you will be back onto it.

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:45

His back is restraining him from going back to coming in from the back.

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:48

And....OP is a girl. And I've run out of time to edit....

0h_Boy 26

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:35

"While you're down there..."

secretkeeper911 4

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Sunday 11 August 2013 15:50

... can you pass me the soap?"

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:36

Next time have sex in the bathtub not as far to fall

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Saturday 10 August 2013 11:21

But she can still light her hair on fire! Is that really a trade-up?

ohcheriecherie 20

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Sunday 11 August 2013 2:02

ideally she wouldn't be lighting her hair on fire in the bathtub. i mean... happens to me all the time when I'm surrounded by water....

heyyitsemilia 11

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Sunday 11 August 2013 4:23

Are you new to FML #61? The comment above you was referring to an FML from, I believe, a few weeks ago.

aceboogieswagg 7

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:37

Well you still have hands and a mouth dont ya

boredSOLDIER 33

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:56

Auto felatio?

phoneYuNOlisten 16

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:37

How big was the shower?

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Saturday 10 August 2013 11:50

182.9 cm x 61 cm

Dawnstempest 17

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Saturday 10 August 2013 14:46

It's not the size of the shower that matters, but how you use it.

redbluegreen 40

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:37

That's why you get in the shower after the water has reached the temperature you desire.

boredSOLDIER 33

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:40

I don't think OP meant that kind of heated lol, silly goose

yankeesfancg 13

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:42

I gave you a thumbs up just because you said silly goose and that made me chuckle, nice job

boredSOLDIER 33

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:54

Well thank you PVT :D

caohm 18

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:38

you could always improvise at that point

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:40

Was your boyfriend ok?

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Saturday 10 August 2013 5:43

I hope you have one of those shower mats for the floor! Otherwise showers are way too slippery, as you have so generously demonstrated.