Intimacy: Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with...

By cfaul001 - United States

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Mother of the year

Dog whisperer

By mycedes - United States

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

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By Cup_of___ - United States

Today, I walked into a liquor store and thought about inquiring for a job application. After seeing the cashier, I thought about inquiring if she was single. After accidentally breaking three bottles of liquor, I didn't do either. I left the store, still single and unemployed. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, my allergies flared up and I started sneezing. I guess my girlfriend was having a bad day, because she lost her shit and started telling me how annoying I am and how I can never do anything right. I'm not sure if we're still a couple, because she stormed out and won't answer my calls. FML

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By Darice - 8/8/2020 05:03

Mom of the year

Today, after years of not speaking with my birth mother, I took a chance and stopped to talk to her when I saw her outside of her house. Five minutes into it, I knew I needed my hair recolored and that I'm out of shape, this all being said by a totally gray haired fat woman. FML

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By dee - United States

Today, I decided to sing a sweet lullaby to my two year old son. In the process, he smacked me in the face and told me to please stop. My sister sings to him all the time and he loves it. FML

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By NoStarbucks4Me - Germany - M?hldorf

Today, the area I live in is so rural that the nearest Starbucks is a 1-hour drive away. And in another country. FML

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By RIP - Finland - Espoo

Today, I had to call the cops to break up a fistfight at my mother's funeral. It turns out my two brothers care more about having a pissing match over their favorite football teams than they do honoring our mother's memory. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2021 08:01

Put a tiger in your tank

Today, a stray cat climbed up into my car's engine for shelter at some point last night. Guess how I found out this morning. FML

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By damniphone - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

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By UnboundA - United States - Ruckersville

Today, I loaded up a cart at work with all the things that take me the longest to stock, figuring I'd just get it over with. My manager decided to use that cart to time me and measure my efficiency. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready for school. Wanting me to prove I was really awake, he made me sit up. As soon as he left my room, I dozed off and faceplanted my nightstand. FML

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By Erik - 13/3/2021 11:00 - Netherlands

WHERE IS IT?

Today, after days of torture, I finally found out where the annoying fire alarm with empty batteries was hidden. The previous house owners had it hidden behind the top board of a wall cabinet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was stung by a wasp. Startled, I stumbled and grabbed a nearby tree branch to regain my balance. The branch happened to be the location of the wasp's nest, which fell to the ground and split open. The wasps weren't happy. FML

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By BaWanda - United States - San Diego

Today, I smacked my kid on top of the head for spinning the display rack while I was looking at greeting cards. It wasn't until he dramatically screamed and dropped to the floor wailing that I realized he wasn't my daughter. FML

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By SendHelpAndBleach

Today, I decided to surprise my parents who I haven’t seen in a while. They weren’t home, but I still have a key so I let myself in. When I went to my old room to put down my bags, I was greeted by a sex swing. FML

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By JustABarista

Good Riddance

Today, while working at Starbucks, an elderly woman came up to me asking to turn up the heat. It was at 73. After explaining to her that corporate all the way across the country controls our heat, she's reporting me to corporate and is insisting I should be fired or she won't ever return. FML

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By T-Guy - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML

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By WellThen - United States

Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML

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2291

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

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By yuck

Today, I found out that what I thought was my brother gasping and groaning in his dreams most nights is actually him jacking off. FML

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30274

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By zoosmell pooplord - Norway - Geilo

Today, my boss got angry at me because my English is better than his. He accused me of trying to steal his management position, and implied that I'll be lucky if I still have a job by the end of the month. FML

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25854

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By Nigel - United States

Today, most of my family was out of the house, so I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and browse some porn. Five minutes later my sister comes and asks me to disconnect from bluetooth and that my "dinosaur noises" were blocking her and her friend's music. I'm currently hiding in shame. FML

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By 3,500 down - United States - Altus

Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML

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By Jade - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, after a week of rejoicing that my petty, passive-aggressive, bullying neighbours were moving away, I came home to find the "to let" board had been outside the wrong house the whole time. It's actually the people I really like who are moving away. FML

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By SlowPacker - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my family informed me that we were going on a 10 hour road trip to my cousin's wedding. They only decided to tell me 45 minutes before we left for said road trip. FML

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By iStoleTheBrownie

Paparazzi

Today, my friend asked me to send her a picture of my crush. I've never talked to him so I had to take the picture without him knowing. My flash was on. FML

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1535

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By Anonymous - United States - Kent

Today, I took my 12 year-old to the orthodontist. While I was talking to the dentist about what was needing to be done, my daughter listened. With a straight face, the dentist joked, "Yeah, we're going to need to rip off her entire jaw." My daughter won't leave her room anymore. FML

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43613

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By longdistancemyass

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is currently dating a girl who lives in Korea. We broke up because I was moving to a different part of the city for college and he thought the distance would be "too much." FML

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3973

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By pooperscooper - Australia - Hunters Hill

Today, I had to wipe someone else's shit off the toilet seat for the third day in a row. We had a new staff member join our team three days ago. FML

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7158

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By it's just hair

Today, I was sent home from work because my new haircut "looks too much like Hitler's" FML

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3912

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By Ann - United States

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML

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42074

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By idgit42 - United States

Today, I didn't realize until I was home that I'd thrown my retainer away with my tray at Chick-fil-A. FML

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By uglyorstupid - Croatia

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a restaurant with a few other couples, and my boyfriend started to rant on how "all the hot chicks are dumb." Apparently, I'm either ugly or stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm spending time with my granny, with whom I'm supposed to live with for a few weeks. I've noticed that she repeats the last word of every sentence I say, and now I'm wondering how it's possible for me to now be so horrible that I want to punch a sweet 92-year-old lady in the head. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glenrothes

Today, my boss bitched me out for violating workplace privacy, after he found an FML post from last year that eerily resembled a situation that happened the same year. He thought I posted it and twisted things to make him look like an idiot. I've never posted here in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, my 3 year old kid wanted to do something nice. I told him he could pick up some of his toys. He washed my new Iphone instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

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By Lizofsmeg - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking in the park when I was hit on the shin by a red ball. I was confused, until it was followed by an enormous German Shepherd dog going at top speed. FML

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By yourewelcome - United States - Gainesville

Today, I thought I was doing a nice thing when I spent hundreds of dollars to get my friend a plane ticket home. She yelled at me when I gave it to her. Turns out, she planned on spending a few more months freeloading off me. FML

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Top comments

By gh0sthunter | 6

#4106821 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:24

See your problem was when you thought a wasted version of you could be coordinated and balanced on a wet slippery surface.

By BlesstheSilence | 11

#4106830 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:26

Excessive Liquor + wet surface = Dumbass

COMMENTS

By xStaciexLynnx | 15

#4106815 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:22

How small is your shower?!

Idonebeenhad | 17

#4106872 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:30

How big are you and your boyfriend?!

scottieclark | 4

#4106883 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:31

Or how fat is OP and her bf?

Damn_Hippster | 11

#4106959 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:40

How much soap was used?

angrymexican | 8

#4107751 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 23:39

How much soap was dropped?

KingOfAmazing | 9

#4107898 - Thursday 1 March 2012 0:11

I don't see why this is an FML. This seems more like one of those moments that everyone has with their boyfriend or girlfriend. The kind that where it is so ridiculous that you both have the hilarious memory that you can't forget. Personally, I love those memories. :)

zack11742 | 7

#4107959 - Thursday 1 March 2012 0:17

I see what you did there 38

Llamacod | 11

#4108114 - Thursday 1 March 2012 0:43

Doesn't matter how big the shower is, the question you should be asking is " how small is your tub"

MizzErikaHart | 8

#4108524 - Thursday 1 March 2012 1:54

41, I see you ruined the combo... :-/

Idonebeenhad | 17

#4109264 - Thursday 1 March 2012 5:59

One does not simply ruin a combo without saying C-C-C-COMBO BREAKERR!

theaws0m3guy | 4

#4109298 - Thursday 1 March 2012 6:07

Break ALL the combos!!!

benmec | 18

#4109335 - Thursday 1 March 2012 6:16

I know! Did you use powdered soap?

blackheart24 | 10

#4109545 - Thursday 1 March 2012 7:48

The better question is how did they get out? O.o

wytang | 3

#4110459 - Thursday 1 March 2012 15:58

They got out all right. The question though is, did they get out safely.

Futacy | 29

#4421375 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:13

lolz

By gh0sthunter | 6

#4106821 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:24

See your problem was when you thought a wasted version of you could be coordinated and balanced on a wet slippery surface.

IscoreOnU | 19

#4107703 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 23:30

Add a rigorous high movement activity you're screwed

LightningCactus | 12

#4109007 - Thursday 1 March 2012 4:21

This is why we can't do fun things, goddamn tiny showers!

hemz_fml | 13

#4110224 - Thursday 1 March 2012 13:38

At least you two have something to look back on and laugh

guagmire | 0

#4175832 - Friday 16 March 2012 21:21

At least they didn't drop the soap...or did they

By BlesstheSilence | 11

#4106830 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:26

Excessive Liquor + wet surface = Dumbass

silentbutfunny | 0

#4107061 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 23:00

Excessive Liqour = Dumbass

googlefrewdnoob | 0

#4107065 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 23:02

Correction not dumbass,on ass

Vball6 | 19

#4107097 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 23:10

^haha

By DrMime | 10

#4106839 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:27

Aww, it's like a human yin-yang!

Redoxx_fml | 22

#4107122 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 23:15

Or a human centipede

By muzy | 23

#4106859 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:30

dumb people...

McDonaldsworker | 4

#4109859 - Thursday 1 March 2012 10:12

Drunk people...

MissHayleyJames | 7

#4110401 - Thursday 1 March 2012 15:34

What's the difference?

By taytaylal | 11

#4106869 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:30

I feel bad for your boyfriend. YDI.

punchline_fml | 5

#4107045 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:56

Getting stuck with your naked wet girlfriend in a bathtub is pure torture. It must have been hell for him.

By FYLminerocks | 7

#4106874 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:30

Sometimes things don't turn out how you expect, but getting stuck in the tub with your boyfriend sounds cute anyways!

By gonad_gobbler | 1

#4106890 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:31

alcohol? more like alco-fall

GrooveSponge | 0

#4106951 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:38

Badum tsss...

kimmi41509 | 10

#4109233 - Thursday 1 March 2012 5:50

Gonad gobbler..the fuck?

By WCARlover | 34

#4106892 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:31

Ah, romance at its finest

yahoowizard | 16

#4109891 - Thursday 1 March 2012 10:24

For some reason, reminds me of the scene from 500 Days of Summer

By kimmi41509 | 10

#4106911 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:33

He could have "wedged" his dingdong into your hooha right then and there!

WCARlover | 34

#4106929 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:34

I could see "hooha" being a new Little Debbie treat now

kimmi41509 | 10

#4106961 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:40

Lol and every time you eat it you'd think of a vagina.

micahsmommy | 13

#4106980 - Wednesday 29 February 2012 22:46

Are you the one who twitched whenever penis and vagina were said? If not maybe you could see if that person twitches with your alternate words.