Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake,...

By Where is the faith in Humanity - 7/11/2013 23:08 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML

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Miscellaneous

KoBabe

Daydreaming

A beautiful truck decoration

By Anonymous - 23/4/2014 07:17 - United States - Rapid City

Today, my teen son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He wanted smooth. Apparently he's "allergic to peanuts." I had to explain to him why his argument made no sense. FML

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By MasterWong - 20/6/2018 19:00

Today, I opened my blinds to see the front yard littered with trash. My neighbor's cat ripped our trash bags open and smeared them all over the lawn. Since it was my turn to take out the trash this week, my family decided I would be the one cleaning up too. FML

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By FML! - 7/8/2011 00:27 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend freaked out on me because I answered her call on the first ring. According to her, it implies that I'm desperate, always horny, and just want her for the sex. Just last week she got pissed because I waited three rings to answer. Apparently that means I'm cheating on her. FML

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By Michigan - 5/2/2009 01:18 - United States

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He handed me one, commenting "here, you look like you need this." FML

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By JustMarried - 7/5/2016 21:47 - Ukraine

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

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By Beegee - 21/8/2013 04:40 - United States - Denver

Today, I got a speeding ticket. I couldn't find my insurance card, and the cop was very nice. He said not to worry about it, that I "looked like someone who had insurance." I'm not sure how to take that. FML

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By broken - 2/9/2009 09:45 - Australia

Today, my mum hit me with her car as she was backing out of the drive way, hurting my leg and crushing my bike. For the third time this year. FML

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By FFS - 28/5/2015 17:41 - Cyprus - Limassol

Today, I received a promotional message offering a half-off deal on an expensive coffee maker. The only reason why I received the message is because I bought that same coffee maker yesterday and I signed up to their mailing list. FML

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By nosleep - 29/12/2012 07:33 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend read online that oversleeping has been linked to strokes later in life. He's now taken it upon himself to protect me by making sure that I have as minimal sleep as possible. FML

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By ouch - 20/12/2013 04:41 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I dropped a new 50lb box of tiles. Luckily, none of the tiles broke. I'm assuming this is because my foot cushioned the fall. FML

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By Beantown girl - 31/10/2011 00:58 - United States

Today, I was using my boyfriend's phone to call my mom. A text message arrived from "Christina" that said, "Just put the kids to bed, come over." He swears they're only work buddies, but refuses to tell her he has a girlfriend, to avoid making things weird at work. We've been together two years. FML

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By millavitsa - 3/1/2013 22:36 - Ukraine

Today, my mom asked me why MS Word keeps underlining some words. After I tried to convince her that you're supposed to put a space after commas, she started yelling at me for making her look stupid. I can never win. FML

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By single&alone - 6/3/2015 20:44 - United States - Seattle

Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny tard like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML

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By yearbook369 - 25/6/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, my school year book awarded "cutest couple" to my boyfriend and I. We broke up yesterday. FML

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By IvyLeague? - 15/1/2013 02:52 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I was babysitting, and a little girl asked for help with her homework. I cheerfully began an explanation, only to freeze mid-sentence. I could not for the life of me remember how to do long-division. I'm about to graduate from Cornell University, and her little brother had to correct me. FML

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By S.Bunny - 22/1/2010 08:14 - United States

Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML

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By bubbles - 5/9/2009 23:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I worked my first day at a nursery. At nap time I spent about an hour trying to get all the kids to calm down and go to sleep. I'd finally got the last one to drop off, when my phone rang. Loudly. FML

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By abi_vet_student - 13/2/2009 12:42 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML

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By soontobewidow - 28/3/2015 09:20 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML

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By anonymous - 17/1/2017 20:00

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go to the bathroom in my dorm. After coming out of the bathroom, I realized I'd let my auto-locking door close behind me. I had to go through the whole dorm, sprint across campus in my bra and underwear, and ask someone for my spare key. FML

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By Leo_RxXx - 26/5/2009 12:18 - United States

Today, I was getting off of work, talking to my boss and I asked if I could get a ride home, since my usual ride was too lazy to come get me. He said, sure, but to be really careful since he just had his car detailed. I was getting in the car, tripped and threw my hot cocoa all inside of his car. FML

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By Charles - 21/6/2011 16:59 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer browsing various websites. In my attempt to scoot the chair forward, I hit my knee against the desk that my computer was on, and ended up breaking it. I literally broke my knee sitting on my ass. FML

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By minikat - 2/6/2018 15:00

Today, my parents woke me up and grounded me for the "disrespectful" things I said to them in my sleep. Apparently I say these things every night, and each time I do they extend the grounding. FML

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By me - 14/4/2016 17:33 - United States - Katy

Today, we had a surprise test at school. I was totally unprepared for any of it, so I BSd the whole thing and turned it in. A few minutes later, our teacher said we were allowed to use our notes to finish the test. FML

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By it's a wonder I'm not illiterate as fuck - 12/4/2013 17:21 - United States - Roselle

Today, my school announced its senior motto for the year. For the second year in a row, it's "YOLO". FML

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By retard99 - 21/3/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend on MSN. I screen-copied my desktop to show her the conversation I was having with my best friend. Minutes later she replied asking why I had a porn site opened on the other tab. Oops. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 14:06

Creeped out

Today, I found out my husband only started to date me because he thinks I look like his daughter. She was 5 at that time. FML

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By Username - 1/5/2011 08:20 - United States

Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriends dog. After several trips around the block and plenty of strange looks I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

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By sonofanut - 22/2/2012 03:14 - United States

Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML

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By wtf_fml_0609 - 1/11/2010 16:43 - United States

Today, I have a huge meeting with the big executives of the company I work at. I have to be there in 10 minutes. I'm stuck on the toilet with the runs because I thought it would be a good idea to eat hot chicken wings last night. FML

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By Username - 25/1/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I found out that you need to clean your car more often when you find a mouldy burrito under the back seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 20:52 - United Kingdom - Stretham

Today, my parents dropped by my new house, and my mother offered to tidy up for me while I was out. After they left, I noticed that her "tidying up" included throwing out all the pictures of my girlfriend and replacing them with pictures of herself. FML

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By ohdang - 1/3/2012 17:12 - United States

Today, my therapist clapped for me when I told her I'd made a friend. FML

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By slayerdeath - 20/5/2012 05:19 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2012 04:59 - United States - Humble

Today, I went into my classroom to find a bag of shit on my desk with a note saying, "Thanks for failing me b*tch!" FML

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By guh - 31/8/2016 15:54 - Malaysia - Subang Jaya

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2017 22:00 - United States - Holland

Today, after an argument, my boyfriend called me a fart knocker and gave me a wedgie. Apparently, I'm dating an 10-year-old. FML

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By fmlgirl - 9/5/2014 18:44 - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 07:28

Today, someone flirted with me. They kept touching me, insisting we should go out sometime, and hounding me for my number. At a family-only memorial service. FML

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Top comments

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#5746488 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:19

Yes... Your snake... Lets call it that.

By FMLJFL | 5

#5746487 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:18

What a wonderful first impression you've left, but who cares when you have your snake!

COMMENTS

By FMLJFL | 5

#5746487 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:18

What a wonderful first impression you've left, but who cares when you have your snake!

mercifulbane | 3

#5746565 - Friday 8 November 2013 10:36

unleash the wrath of your snake on your neighbors while shouting "i may need friends, but YOU NEED A HOSPITAL"
then go back to playing with yourself

Amoondris | 17

#5746621 - Friday 8 November 2013 12:39

#20 That would really only work if they had a poisonous snake, or a really big snake. However if OP had a large constrictor the neighbor might need a black bag rather than a hospital.

184886837272837 | 32

#5746654 - Friday 8 November 2013 13:21

I'm wondering if OP was referring to masturbation... tell me I'm not the only one who thought about this?

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5747037 - Friday 8 November 2013 20:23

Snakes are amazing! Kudos to OP for loving their reptile.

Robbieisadowg | 16

#5747278 - Saturday 9 November 2013 0:40

#29 No, that was the first thing I thought. Though i re-read it again and realized he was talking about his actual snake.

8313girl | 28

#5747405 - Saturday 9 November 2013 1:50

Lol he didn't say trouser snake

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#5746488 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:19

Yes... Your snake... Lets call it that.

zelreth | 6

#5746614 - Friday 8 November 2013 12:26

Does this "snake" only have one eye by any chance?

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5746839 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:39

I chuckled on the bus at your comment for like five minutes and now I'm getting weird looks.

RedPillSucks | 31

#5746857 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:52

Play with your snake.
I'm sure they'll look away.

jerryj | 27

#5747124 - Friday 8 November 2013 22:08

Try not to pet your snake too much. Might squirt "venom" on yourself...er...you

By Volcan_fml | 22

#5746489 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:19

Set your snake on your jerk neighbors.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5746702 - Friday 8 November 2013 14:33

It won't work. Clearly they speak Parseltongue.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5746824 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:24

Yes tell Nagini to eliminate those muggles

Greenteamextreme | 16

#5746856 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:51

SERPENSORTIA?

Greenteamextreme | 16

#5746859 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:53

God damn it.... !

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5746870 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:59

The basilisk is going into the chamber of secrets!

SuperMew | 22

#5747108 - Friday 8 November 2013 21:47

All the basilisk wanted was to get stoned with some muggles, but nooo...

By aubama_fml | 15

#5746490 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:20

looks like you found a new friend

By frozenfreeze | 5

#5746491 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:20

Are your neighbors snakes too?

By Fernando83 | 19

#5746493 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:21

Maybe you should listen to your neighbor. If anything else go make friends with him.

By shutupmichaela | 18

#5746495 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:23

maybe your neighbors are sick of hearing you "playing with your snake" late at night ;)

By bazookajoey | 27

#5746499 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:27

haha FYL. But you have to admit its funny OP

By YOLO1969 | 5

#5746500 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:27

I think maybe the neighbors want to be ur firend---to be close to ur snakes.

184886837272837 | 32

#5746657 - Friday 8 November 2013 13:24

I thumbed you down before I even read your comment. I knew it would be bad because of your username

By TheWreckingBall | 8

#5746501 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:28

What a great first impression XD

A7X_all_the_way | 21

#5746503 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:31

Awesome name xD