Miscellaneous: Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake,...

By Where is the faith in Humanity - United States - Tacoma

Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML

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Miscellaneous

Late term

Social distancing

Is that a pass then?

By astocks - United States

Today, I found a picture of my military husband kissing another woman. His excuse? It was photoshopped. FML

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By T-Bear - United States - College Station

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally clamped my hair straightener down on my ear. Eleven hours later, it still feels like I have a burning, swollen fireball hanging off the side of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 01:56

Right under your nose

Today, my husband took our 5-month-old to the doctor, who diagnosed him with a severe sinus blockage and referred us to a specialist. This is the third major health problem with our son that our husband has picked up before I did. My job? I’m a nurse in a paediatric clinic. FML

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By Tallow101 - United States

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

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By LH0026 - United States

Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML

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By Iamfurios

Today one of my flatmates told the rest of us to stop using the toilet after 10pm cause he's a light sleeper and the flushing noise wakes him up. After arguing about it, he gave us his 'permission' to use the toilet, but only if we don't flush until the next day. Guess who is always the first to wake up? FML

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By rolypoly - United Kingdom

Today, I achieved a personal goal by completing a half-marathon for charity, despite being overweight and unfit before training. When I finished I cried, not because I was proud of myself, but because I ran the last 2 miles while being followed by kids on bicycles calling me a "fat cunt". FML

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By anonbob - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because apparently my mom hates him and doesn't want us to be together. My mom died six years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, while on the bus, a small child asked me if I was having a baby, and I replied "Yes." I'm not. I was just too ashamed to admit I was fat. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Livingston

There's no helping some people

Today, I was helping a 93 year-old hoarder organize her home. She asked me to make ropes from old plastic bags, fold bags in a specific odd way, then fit four large boxes of bags into one smaller one. I said I couldn't do those, nor fit four boxes in one. "Why are you here if you can’t do things?" she said. I’m a professional home organizer. FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

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By Nickolas - United States

Today, I was getting my chest waxed. The woman dipped the stick into the wax and hit her elbow, making wax fall into my eyes. FML

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By Dv0829 - United States

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, I was bitched out by my shrew of a mother for getting engaged, to a man. She's not homophobic, but rather pissed off because gay marriage is "trendy" and she wants me to be "above that nonsense". Hurray for love. FML

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By Anonymous

The grudge

Today, I was told by a former coworker that my former boss still talks about me being lazy, ever since the time I refused to do a few things on third shift when there was me and 2 other people working. I haven't worked there in 3 months. FML

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By sadface - United States

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend due to our long distance relationship. She then agreed to date my best friend who lives in the same town as me. FML

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By Alexea Luton

The eye of the beholder

Today, my boyfriend compared me to an unattractive actress. When I said it was sort of messed up to say that to me since she's not pretty, he said, "She's not as bad as you." FML

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By leosmom

Today, I used a glue stick instead of my Carmex lip balm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend, and best friend, had baked a cake, and wouldnt tell anyone who it was for. When I asked he said I'd know soon. He met me after class to break up with me and offered me the cake to make me feel better. FML

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By SadlySally - United States - Memphis

Today, I think I met the one. I had the best date ever. We played mini golf and talked about all the things we had in common. After sharing a kiss, I said goodbye, with the promise to meet up again. Too bad he forgot to mention he was moving to Texas the next day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while visiting my son at university, I noticed a funky smell in his room. He admitted to not changing his bedsheets since he moved in 2.5 years ago. I’ve raised an animal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

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By dogbait - France

Today, my neighbor's dog bit me, it was extremely painful. The gash in my leg was deep and bleeding like crazy. When I finally got into my house screaming in agonizing pain, my mother said "Quit bitching, walk it off and you'll be fine." My leg is purple now. FML

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By Dmessmer1 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I gave my dad $40 and asked him if he can get me lunch on his way back home. Long story short he came back empty handed telling me it was my fault for trusting him with McNuggets. FML

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By cait - United States

Today, I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. He ejected the CD. It was porn. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were arguing about how he was too busy for me. During that conversation, he was texting his best friend and then called by his brother to drive him home. Instead of returning to finish our conversation, he left to prepare for his fishing trip with his mates tomorrow. FML

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By "breejanai"

Today, while working as a veterinary assistant, an owner stood extremely close to me and kept accidentally petting me instead of her dog. After her dog was examined, she asked me if I'd ever had the chicken pox because she has shingles and it's contagious to those who haven't. I haven't. FML

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By ForeverAGirlfriend - United States - Aliquippa

Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML

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By romainmain - France - Charleville-m?zi?res

Today, I saw a small bug on the wall, so I decided to send it straight to the insect afterlife by smashing it with a book. The book crushed it, and caused my clock to come free from the wall and crash down onto my TV. FML

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By brannie - United States

Today, I found out that Google+ has been automatically uploading my cell phone pictures as I take them. My friends have now seen pictures of me, my penis, and other things too horrifying to talk about. FML

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By farmakakis - Australia

Today, I wore a pair of glasses with no lenses because I thought I'd look smarter. I ended up poking myself in the eye several times, leaving it swollen. So much for making me look smarter. FML

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By newly passed, newly grassed - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

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By BoCoMoGal

Today, my phone reset, wiping the touch ID on my credit card. I can't remember the password so I'm locked out. I tried 'forgot password', but you need to have the physical card. The card is tucked away in the bank lock box. The key to the lock box is packed in one of the 150 boxes we have prepped to move. FML

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By homewrecker - United States

Today, I woke up from a night of crazy drunken sex with a guy I had met at a friends 23rd birthday party. The lights had been off when we had stumbled in to his house the night before. When I opened my eyes today, the first thing I saw was his family picture, complete with his wife and son. FML

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By maxkeyftw - United States - Clovis

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity fixed for the first time. The dentist showed me the drill and other tools, and referred to them as things like "Mr. Bumpy Brush". I'm 15. She thought I was "special". FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2021 21:00 - Finland

How smelly is your piss?

Today, I peed myself in the dressing room after work when I sneezed. Someone else just walked in as I was trying to dry off my jeans with paper, and probably smelled that I had peed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a movie and a dinner with a girl. During dinner, she excused herself to go to the bathroom, so I checked my social media feeds while waiting for her to return. She'd posted on her twitter "Worst. Ever." I thought it was going well. FML

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By wheelmaker

Today, the girl I've had several passionate encounters over the past few weeks admitted we cannot entirely be together as she is married. She wants to make it work with me but cannot divorce as she would lose her visa. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

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Top comments

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#5746488 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:19

Yes... Your snake... Lets call it that.

By FMLJFL | 5

#5746487 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:18

What a wonderful first impression you've left, but who cares when you have your snake!

COMMENTS

By FMLJFL | 5

#5746487 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:18

What a wonderful first impression you've left, but who cares when you have your snake!

mercifulbane | 3

#5746565 - Friday 8 November 2013 10:36

unleash the wrath of your snake on your neighbors while shouting "i may need friends, but YOU NEED A HOSPITAL"
then go back to playing with yourself

Amoondris | 17

#5746621 - Friday 8 November 2013 12:39

#20 That would really only work if they had a poisonous snake, or a really big snake. However if OP had a large constrictor the neighbor might need a black bag rather than a hospital.

184886837272837 | 32

#5746654 - Friday 8 November 2013 13:21

I'm wondering if OP was referring to masturbation... tell me I'm not the only one who thought about this?

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5747037 - Friday 8 November 2013 20:23

Snakes are amazing! Kudos to OP for loving their reptile.

Robbieisadowg | 16

#5747278 - Saturday 9 November 2013 0:40

#29 No, that was the first thing I thought. Though i re-read it again and realized he was talking about his actual snake.

8313girl | 28

#5747405 - Saturday 9 November 2013 1:50

Lol he didn't say trouser snake

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#5746488 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:19

Yes... Your snake... Lets call it that.

zelreth | 6

#5746614 - Friday 8 November 2013 12:26

Does this "snake" only have one eye by any chance?

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5746839 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:39

I chuckled on the bus at your comment for like five minutes and now I'm getting weird looks.

RedPillSucks | 31

#5746857 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:52

Play with your snake.
I'm sure they'll look away.

jerryj | 27

#5747124 - Friday 8 November 2013 22:08

Try not to pet your snake too much. Might squirt "venom" on yourself...er...you

By Volcan_fml | 22

#5746489 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:19

Set your snake on your jerk neighbors.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5746702 - Friday 8 November 2013 14:33

It won't work. Clearly they speak Parseltongue.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5746824 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:24

Yes tell Nagini to eliminate those muggles

Greenteamextreme | 16

#5746856 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:51

SERPENSORTIA?

Greenteamextreme | 16

#5746859 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:53

God damn it.... !

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5746870 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:59

The basilisk is going into the chamber of secrets!

SuperMew | 22

#5747108 - Friday 8 November 2013 21:47

All the basilisk wanted was to get stoned with some muggles, but nooo...

By aubama_fml | 15

#5746490 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:20

looks like you found a new friend

By frozenfreeze | 5

#5746491 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:20

Are your neighbors snakes too?

By Fernando83 | 19

#5746493 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:21

Maybe you should listen to your neighbor. If anything else go make friends with him.

By shutupmichaela | 18

#5746495 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:23

maybe your neighbors are sick of hearing you "playing with your snake" late at night ;)

By bazookajoey | 27

#5746499 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:27

haha FYL. But you have to admit its funny OP

By YOLO1969 | 5

#5746500 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:27

I think maybe the neighbors want to be ur firend---to be close to ur snakes.

184886837272837 | 32

#5746657 - Friday 8 November 2013 13:24

I thumbed you down before I even read your comment. I knew it would be bad because of your username

By TheWreckingBall | 8

#5746501 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:28

What a great first impression XD

A7X_all_the_way | 21

#5746503 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:31

Awesome name xD