Miscellaneous: Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake,...

By Where is the faith in Humanity - United States - Tacoma

Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML

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Miscellaneous

Sorry…

Get the message, dude

Hang in there

By dollarstorepwnr - Canada

Today, my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer. He was my Indian girlfriend's father. FML

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By Kere - Sweden

Today, my phone decided to delete all my numbers. I posted on Facebook that people should message or text me if they felt like I should have their number. I didn't get a single reply. FML

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By insensitive prick - United States - Tinley Park

Today, I was at a "bring your family to work" event. I noticed my coworker brought his kids but not his wife, so I asked, "No wife today?" Everyone glared at me and he pointedly replied that she's married to someone else now. I had no idea. Now everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick. FML

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By sarahmaxine - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything was going fine until she said she owned a dog. My mom then immediately attempted to check her scalp for lice. FML

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By powerless - United States

Today, a soccer ball hit my car while I was going 75 mph on the freeway during my drive home. I still don't know how to explain it. FML

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By dumbwifehappylife - United States - Woodbine

Today, my wife tried to report our neighbor's yard sale to the Better Business Bureau. FML

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By Emily S - Australia

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

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By unsatisfied - Australia

Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML

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By Mick_The_Disappointment

Today, my mother once again called me to remind me what a disappointment I am despite having two degrees, a house, a professional job and having never been unemployed at 25. FML

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By FMLMom - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I learned that my son goes on online chat rooms and has sexual fantasy role-play. To make matters worse, the characters he uses are from My Little Pony. FML

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By hairy - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I discovered that I have caught head lice from my son. Unfortunately, they are living in my chest hair. FML

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By awwimanahole - United States - Palmetto

Today, I needed a change of clothes, so I called my mom. She brought me a grey shirt with a toucan on the front and Mexico City spelled in glitter. I asked her why she would bring me such an ugly shirt, and she started crying. Turns out she bought it for me as a present from her trip. FML

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By Dr_JF - France

Today, I told myself: "Go on you big geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from in front of your PC, go for a walk". I finally muster the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I've been in an internet cafe for four hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salinas

Today, I tried to put together some flat-pack furniture. I wound up in my underpants, screaming stuff like, "Fuck you, fucking Ikea bastard" at pieces of confusing plywood. FML

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By wtfiswronghere - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my grandmother insisted that Mexicans sacrifice humans every year as part of their Catholic religion. The Swaggart guy on TV said so, and apparently, he can't be wrong, ever. FML

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By feel so dirty

Today, I asked my husband when he first knew he loved me. He replied, totally honestly, that I was the easiest girl he'd ever managed to talk into a one night stand, only instead of doing the walk of shame the next morning, I stayed so long we ended up married with kids. FML

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By mrrichkid - United States

Today, my wife of four years confessed to me that she only married me for the money. FML

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35910

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By Failure

Today, despite having glowing recommendations, stellar grades, and an impressive resumé, I was rejected by all 15 colleges that I applied to. No explanation or reasons have been given, and it's too late to apply to any more. FML

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Today, my roommate served me with a two-week’s notice to vacate the apartment, the day before I leave for 10 days of working in a completely different city 150 miles away. FML

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1950

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By Anonymous - United States - Kingman

Today, I let out a huge fart during a job interview. I was the one conducting the interview. FML

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22313

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By me - United States - Katy

Today, we had a surprise test at school. I was totally unprepared for any of it, so I BSd the whole thing and turned it in. A few minutes later, our teacher said we were allowed to use our notes to finish the test. FML

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By Julia - United States

Today, I was denied a waitressing job at a local diner I have been going to for years. Due to the fact that my name is Julia. They already have a waitress there named Julie. Apparently, I would "create too much confusion." FML

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By RetailJocky

Today, at work, a bag of driveway repair tar split and spilled in my arms and hands. Not only does it stain and pull out any arm hair it touches, the stains also look like I was playing in dog poo. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By Poopalipa - United States

Today, I woke up late, didn't shave, didn't have time to iron my clothes, didn't eat breakfast, and ran into the office with beads of sweat running down my face. The meeting had been cancelled. FML

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By cheated

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been communicating extensively with his ex, who lives out of state, for over 6 months. She booked flights and a hotel nearby in a month and invited him. He didn't say no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom still refers to his ex as 'the daughter she never had.' FML

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34237

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I am deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

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By paul - France

Today, I had a big meeting. Half way through my presentation, I sneezed, and continued talking. I get some weird looks from my co-worker but I didn't understand what he meant. When I finished, I passed by my boss walking to my chair, he gave me a handkerchief. Why? Snot was all over my tie. FML

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By Chubby - United States - Lake Worth

Today, my grandmother came to visit and asked me, "Did you change your hair, or are you just fatter now?" FML

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29989

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By 221bcompanion - United States - Massillon

Today, I put more effort into getting and keeping my Sims onto a good sleep schedule in order to properly take care of their needs than I did for myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 23:03

Devious, the lot of them

Today, I was out walking with a cute girl when we passed by a house with a Trump sign. Trying to make her laugh, I went to steal it. Turns out it was booby trapped. I got drenched by a sprinkler when I got close. FML

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By Dirtbikesnowboard - United States - Cedar City

Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Orange

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

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By stressedmom36 - United States - Tampa

Today, my 4-year-old son's daycare called because he kissed a few girls. They explained he can't walk up and kiss little girls. I thought the situation was under control, until I was called an hour later to remove him from the premises for kissing little boys. FML

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By holyshitbatman - United States - Toledo

Today, I started dating a seemingly normal guy. Not even four hours into our relationship, he began telling me that he can see spirits, dead people, and that I have a large black dog following me everywhere I go. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML

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By Undersexed - United States - Washington

Bad sex

Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why, Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML

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By Hopslammer - United States

Today, as I was smoking a cigarette I realized that it's time to quit. This realization came to me after a particularly violent coughing bout forced not tar out of my lungs, but rather poo out of my bum. FML

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Top comments

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#5746488 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:19

Yes... Your snake... Lets call it that.

By FMLJFL | 5

#5746487 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:18

What a wonderful first impression you've left, but who cares when you have your snake!

COMMENTS

By FMLJFL | 5

#5746487 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:18

What a wonderful first impression you've left, but who cares when you have your snake!

mercifulbane | 3

#5746565 - Friday 8 November 2013 10:36

unleash the wrath of your snake on your neighbors while shouting "i may need friends, but YOU NEED A HOSPITAL"
then go back to playing with yourself

Amoondris | 17

#5746621 - Friday 8 November 2013 12:39

#20 That would really only work if they had a poisonous snake, or a really big snake. However if OP had a large constrictor the neighbor might need a black bag rather than a hospital.

184886837272837 | 32

#5746654 - Friday 8 November 2013 13:21

I'm wondering if OP was referring to masturbation... tell me I'm not the only one who thought about this?

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5747037 - Friday 8 November 2013 20:23

Snakes are amazing! Kudos to OP for loving their reptile.

Robbieisadowg | 16

#5747278 - Saturday 9 November 2013 0:40

#29 No, that was the first thing I thought. Though i re-read it again and realized he was talking about his actual snake.

8313girl | 28

#5747405 - Saturday 9 November 2013 1:50

Lol he didn't say trouser snake

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#5746488 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:19

Yes... Your snake... Lets call it that.

zelreth | 6

#5746614 - Friday 8 November 2013 12:26

Does this "snake" only have one eye by any chance?

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5746839 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:39

I chuckled on the bus at your comment for like five minutes and now I'm getting weird looks.

RedPillSucks | 31

#5746857 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:52

Play with your snake.
I'm sure they'll look away.

jerryj | 27

#5747124 - Friday 8 November 2013 22:08

Try not to pet your snake too much. Might squirt "venom" on yourself...er...you

By Volcan_fml | 22

#5746489 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:19

Set your snake on your jerk neighbors.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5746702 - Friday 8 November 2013 14:33

It won't work. Clearly they speak Parseltongue.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5746824 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:24

Yes tell Nagini to eliminate those muggles

Greenteamextreme | 16

#5746856 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:51

SERPENSORTIA?

Greenteamextreme | 16

#5746859 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:53

God damn it.... !

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5746870 - Friday 8 November 2013 16:59

The basilisk is going into the chamber of secrets!

SuperMew | 22

#5747108 - Friday 8 November 2013 21:47

All the basilisk wanted was to get stoned with some muggles, but nooo...

By aubama_fml | 15

#5746490 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:20

looks like you found a new friend

By frozenfreeze | 5

#5746491 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:20

Are your neighbors snakes too?

By Fernando83 | 19

#5746493 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:21

Maybe you should listen to your neighbor. If anything else go make friends with him.

By shutupmichaela | 18

#5746495 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:23

maybe your neighbors are sick of hearing you "playing with your snake" late at night ;)

By bazookajoey | 27

#5746499 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:27

haha FYL. But you have to admit its funny OP

By YOLO1969 | 5

#5746500 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:27

I think maybe the neighbors want to be ur firend---to be close to ur snakes.

184886837272837 | 32

#5746657 - Friday 8 November 2013 13:24

I thumbed you down before I even read your comment. I knew it would be bad because of your username

By TheWreckingBall | 8

#5746501 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:28

What a great first impression XD

A7X_all_the_way | 21

#5746503 - Friday 8 November 2013 9:31

Awesome name xD