Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn....

By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

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Health

Proactive

Instadrama

RIP in peace

By lovesucks - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that the most kisses I ever get are in text messages from my Dad. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was playing with my hedgehog and he started licking my face. I thought it was super cute, until he latched onto my eyelid with his teeth. He then created a ball of saliva and blood and coated his body in it. FML

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By Stuck - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend after we went out for dinner. To my surprise, our families were also in the restaurant, to witness him propose to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was waiting at an intersection. Across from me, a car was approaching and a bunny ran out. Trying to save it, I flashed my lights and beeped at the car crazily, when the bunny turned around. The lights turned, and as I drove forward the bunny came back out and I hit it. FML

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By Bex - United States - San Francisco

Today, in front of a group of family, friends, and acquaintances, a guy I hadn't talked to in about two years asked me how rehab was going. In the monstrous silence that followed, I had to awkwardly explain that I work at a nursing home that also functions as a rehabilitation center. FML

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By notsohot

Today, I showed up at my boyfriend's house with nothing under my coat but some sexy lingerie. He told me he was working on an assignment, and made me wait three hours before he'd have sex with me. FML

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By retailshell - Australia - Perth

Today, I was ringing up a woman at work. I saw she'd bought a birthday cake, so I smiled and said I hope whoever it was for has a happy birthday. She looked at me in disgust, told me to mind my own business, then called me a "chucklefuck bitch". Okay then. FML

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By Steve - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

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By Mary - France

Today, I was walking my dogs when I noticed one of them had found something, and was eating it. After my command to "drop it" went unheeded, I took it upon myself to scoop it out of her mouth with my finger. After getting it all over my hand, I realized it was a piece of another dog's poop. FML

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By fuck's sake - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML

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By annie - 17/11/2020 00:08 - United States - Denver

Ruined art

Today, while sitting on a bench drawing, some guy went up to me, yelled, “YOUR ART SUCKS” and flipped my sketchpad out of my hands. I’d been working on that piece for hours and now there’s a big black pencil streak on it. FML

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By ENDmySUFFERING - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I walked into my son's room to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML

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3630

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By cheated - United States

Today, I came home from a weekend trip with some friends, and walked straight in on my girlfriend cheating on me. She burst into tears and began apologizing. Her exact words were "I'm so sorry! I thought you were coming back tomorrow." FML

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49214

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I contacted my biological father, after not speaking to him for some years, as we had a very strained relationship. I received an automated response. It's probably the best conversation we have ever had. FML

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By joolsie - United Kingdom

Today, I received a note from my creepy ex, whom I broke up with two years ago, saying how much he still misses me. I live over 100 miles away from him now. The note was hand-delivered to my new address. FML

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By - France

Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML

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53669

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By anonymous - United States - Hillsboro

Today, a lady stormed into the pharmacy I work at and chewed me out because the medicine I sold her the day before gave her horrible diarrhea as a "side effect". I checked, and it was the medicine she asked for - laxatives. FML

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49940

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By inpain - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML

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By letmediealready

Today I saved my wife's puppy from drowning in an icy pond and I ended up in the ER struggling to breath from the water in my lungs. When my wife showed up to see me, I caught her flirting with my doctor. FML

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By Its_Sinon - United States - Oceanside

Today, I got married. After the ceremony, my sister asked to talk to me. I followed her and she told me that we are no longer related because we don't have the same last name anymore. FML

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25311

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By tallwoman - Denmark

Today, I was at a concert. During the concert, my shoelaces went undone, so I bent down to tie them. Not two seconds later, the girl behind me jumped on my shoulders and refused to get down. She said "tall guys" are the best to ride on during concerts. My name is Maria. FML

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37444

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By school issues - United States

Today, I found out I'm failing school. Why am I failing? Because I work 60 hours a week. Why do I work 60 hours a week? To pay for school. FML

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By Drew

Today, I was sitting at home when the police knocked on my door. They came inside, sat me down and told me that both my parents died in a car crash tonight. I started to cry, but about 10 minutes later, I find out they had the wrong person. I feel bad for the other guy. FML

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By duncanisgey - Canada

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kenosha

Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML

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By Ginna - Canada

Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML

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44094

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By So I can go now then?

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

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2578

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By Hunter

Today, my five year old son was sick with a stomach bug. He didn't want to leave my side so I decided to grab a bowl from the kitchen for him to puke into. The thing is, it was dark in the kitchen and I accidentally grabbed a strainer. My new outfit is now ruined. FML

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By aur - France

Today, I remember the first night I spent with my first English boyfriend. I'm French, and when we woke up, I said in my most sexy voice "Oh, I'm so dirty!" It's only when he left that I finally understood the look on his face; I wanted to have a glass of water. I was thirsty, not dirty. FML

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By SexyQueen0905

Today, my friends were making fun of my clumsiness. I replied that I was not clumsy, and to prove it I was going to go the whole day without messing up. As I said this, I tripped over an extension cord and hit my head on a desk. FML

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By -- - Canada

Today, I was kicked out of the mall along with a bunch of my friends, sworn at by the security guards, and personally escorted all the way to the sidewalk, only to find out we'd been mistaken for another group of people. FML

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32737

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By UncleRory - United States

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying "I'm good" or "I'm okay", I said "I'm gay". FML

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By Romantic - United States

Today, I came home from a long day at work to find a path of rose pedals from the front door. Gasping with surprise, I followed it past the living room... past the bedroom... into the kitchen, where there was a note that said "Friends coming over tonight, we need food, love you!" FML

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By pleasestop - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

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39090

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By bear food - United States - Anaheim

Today, my friends and I went camping in the woods. I fell asleep first. Waking up hours later to them bunched up together in the middle of the tent and me half-way outside, I confronted them about it. They admitted, "We heard a bear so we needed a sacrifice." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered my mother went into the local pub where I work part time, got very drunk, and flashed her boobs at everyone. I found out when a picture was posted on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 10:05 - United States - Baton Rouge

Medically accurate

Today, I sprained my ankle badly at a volleyball game. I asked my coach for some athletic tape so I could get back in the game. She handed me duct tape and said that athletic tape and duct tape are basically the same. Getting duct tape off your sprained ankle hurts like hell. FML

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By Jeanna - United States - Baskett

Today, I went into a store for an interview. I've had several places wanting to talk to me and this job was a lot lower paying. I got a little cocky and when offered the job, I said I wanted some time to finish my other interviews first and see what my options were. The manager then took back his offer. FML

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By fucked five ways to friday - United States - Stayton

Today, someone sent my boss a CD full of documents for an upcoming trial. It's my job to sort through the evidence, so he gave it to me. I looked on the CD. There's only one file; a 1020-page PDF of all the documents we need, and the pages weren't scanned in order. FML

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Top comments

By Harpy20 | 24

#5222549 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:43

You've got yourself one hell of a creeper. FYL.

By vespergreen | 17

#5222547 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:43

Have a can of pepper spray on standby for self-defence!!

COMMENTS

By vespergreen | 17

#5222547 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:43

Have a can of pepper spray on standby for self-defence!!

winkydog4056 | 16

#5223350 - Friday 7 December 2012 16:03

#2_defense, #

winkydog4056 | 16

#5223361 - Friday 7 December 2012 16:06

#2_* defense, #17_* cocaine, #20_* bananas, #19_* peeling & #25_* aloe.

Likian5 | 26

#5223469 - Friday 7 December 2012 16:45

*defense

Jiplo | 18

#5232515 - Monday 10 December 2012 5:55

Agreed! Only thing is I can't tell if this is epic trolling or major WTF situation.

By Harpy20 | 24

#5222549 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:43

You've got yourself one hell of a creeper. FYL.

sens3sfailing | 24

#5222582 - Friday 7 December 2012 9:00

All I could think of when I read this was "Cocain is one hell of a drug"

andiewithlove | 21

#5223682 - Friday 7 December 2012 17:58

If she was a creeper all you would've heard was "kssssssssSSSSSSSSSSS...BOOM!"

By kittynbooh | 9

#5222551 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:43

That's just a bit disturbing...

By dayzz1 | 10

#5222552 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:43

It makes a sound ?? ....
But still, ouch!

nikininja | 4

#5222653 - Friday 7 December 2012 9:18

Kind of like the sound of cling wrap but softer.
... I think I want to gag now.

dayzz1 | 10

#5222916 - Friday 7 December 2012 11:10

Oh wow :/ yep I'm with you on that one *gag*

By sirpantselot | 22

#5222554 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:44

You must closely resemble a banana.

chrissy2 | 28

#5222597 - Friday 7 December 2012 9:04

But banana's don't make a "sound".

Teyros | 24

#5222900 - Friday 7 December 2012 11:01

You're right. She doesn't make a sound. She types out on FML about how weird that is.

By TrueTriage | 16

#5222561 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:46

I'm curious what kind of sunburn puns people could come up with...

PinkKawaiiChic | 10

#5223943 - Friday 7 December 2012 19:26

Here's a bad sunburn pun:
It's time to peel out of there.

sirpantselot | 22

#5224901 - Saturday 8 December 2012 0:17

I haven't red any good ones. How sunsmart can UV?

By eddeeezzyy | 19

#5222563 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:46

This reminds me of Micky Rooney off of a family guy episode that likes to rip off people's scabs.

PrincessLiLi_fml | 7

#5224155 - Friday 7 December 2012 20:30

I feel that it's probably much less hilarious in real life...

By zango1 | 15

#5222567 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:46

I'd definitely have to go with someone wanting to peel someone else's.

By LosAngelesSon | 8

#5222568 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:47

How about simply saying, "No." Think that'll work? Deny her the opportunity, she must stop asking.

KM96 | 24

#5222622 - Friday 7 December 2012 9:12

No, because she "won't take no for an answer" - so it probably will not.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5224251 - Friday 7 December 2012 20:48

How about simply brushing-up on your reading skills? :P

By newbiehere99 | 6

#5222571 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:49

I haven't punched a girl in the face but... I still wouldn't. Tell her for every peel, you get to fondle her boobs ... And that you won't take No for an answer!

sens3sfailing | 24

#5222749 - Friday 7 December 2012 9:38

What if she's into it an what if OP isn't a lesbian? Then she just boned herself HARD!