Health: Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn.... - FML

By Anonymous - 07/12/2012 00:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 436

You deserved it 2 009

Leave us alone

Dementia or hate? You decide

The smell detective is on the case

By dork - 16/07/2009 20:32 - United States

Today, I found out my class was attempting to raise money for me through a bake sale because some girl spread a false rumor that I was raped and that my father was going to disown me. The whole school believes it and my biology teacher took me aside and asked if I needed someone to confide in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 014

You deserved it 3 096

By cabatt - 13/01/2019 04:00

Today, I'm a chef and I had a new set of knives delivered. My boss says to me, ''Be careful with your new knives, they're going to be sharp. You don't want to cut your nail off.'' Not 2 minutes later I chop my whole nail off my right index. He jinxed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 168

You deserved it 934

Hyperpoop

By Elongated Muskrat - 17/05/2021 00:01 - France

Today, a friend of mine enthusiastically explained to me how Elon Musk's car-tunnel-thing is supposed to work. I don't know what's worse, the dumbass tunnel or the fact that my friend thinks it's an amazing idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 396

You deserved it 992

By Anonymous - 09/08/2014 03:19 - United States - Scottsbluff

Today, my girlfriend and I tried out a website where you upload pictures of two people, and it shows you what their future children might look like. She actually started crying because the kid we were shown wasn't cute enough for her liking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 272

You deserved it 4 405

Retail work is hell

By Anonymous - 12/06/2021 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, a girl threatened to castrate me if I didn’t refund her for a remote control that SHE damaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 52

By oops - 18/05/2009 08:45 - United States

Today, I was working at my job as cashier. This really attractive girl that comes in walked in, so I mustered up the courage to ask her out, by writing my number on a dollar bill. She pays and a dollar is her change. I go to hand her the money when she sees it and says, "Keep the change". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 256

You deserved it 18 100

By Anonymous - 20/01/2013 22:13 - Australia

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 120

You deserved it 4 948

By kareed3 - 19/07/2009 16:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty Soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 313

You deserved it 4 059

TMI FML

By Addison - 25/06/2012 00:28 - Canada - Kingston

Spicy

Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 825

You deserved it 3 614

Compassionate

By crap - 17/07/2020 05:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because apparently, I'm a drug addict who can't speak without slurring and stumbling with my words. I have a recurring speech impediments and the stammer is definitely real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 624

You deserved it 139

By gooddaydude - 04/04/2015 19:32 - United States - Omaha

Today, my mom called 5 times and I didn't pick up due to being in class at college. I was later called to the front desk, where my mom was crying. She said she was worried about me because I didn't say "I love you" to her after she dropped me off at college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 305

You deserved it 4 279

By HOLY SHIT, A WALKING SNOWGLOBE - 09/12/2012 21:52 - United Kingdom - Dagenham

Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 395

You deserved it 7 759

By Anonymous - 22/12/2014 07:53 - United States - Mooresville

Today, immediately after being informed of the sketchy activities that take place in our store parking lot after dark, I'm handed an orange vest and told to go out there to retrieve carts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 571

You deserved it 2 507

By unlovedandunfucked - 10/12/2014 18:16 - Australia - Melbourne

Spicy

Today, I woke up from a wet dream. My girlfriend quickly figured it out and bitched me out for having one when she was "right there" for me to ask for sex. Logic failure aside, the last time I flirted with her, she called me a sex-obsessed pig and didn't talk to me for three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 550

You deserved it 4 531

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 170

By pained - 02/05/2014 00:23 - United States

Today, I had an ingrown toenail cut out, and the pain medication I received does not actually help with the pain. Instead, it makes me high, which results in me losing balance and slamming my injured toe into objects and then getting sick from that new pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 280

You deserved it 4 703

Dumbass

By Ihatepol - 16/10/2021 08:03

Today, a lady asked for a refund for a taco kit because inside the box was just tortillas, seasoning and sauce. When I pointed out the text in small letters that she had to provide her own ingredients, she told my manager I disrespected her by making her feel stupid. I was written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 019

You deserved it 52

By baddoggy - 17/10/2010 08:13 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery. I somehow managed to lock my keys, my purse, and my dog in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 083

You deserved it 23 536

By Anonymous - 20/07/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I went out to eat at a restaurant. When the waitress saw me, she continously told me how beautiful and kind I was. Flattered, I just said thank you. Five minutes later, one of the ugliest girls I've ever seen in my life walked in. The waitress told her the same exact things she told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 546

You deserved it 13 534

Overreach

By AccioBucket - 12/02/2021 11:02

Today, I'm banned from the only working bathroom in my house because my mother is cleansing for an upcoming colonoscopy. My options are either a bucket in the basement, or wetting myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 836

You deserved it 76

By Perplexed - 19/01/2013 13:14 - United States - Sioux Falls

Today, someone broke into my car by smashing the driver's side window. I'd be less irritated if they had just used the door handle; the lock has been broken for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 136

You deserved it 3 461

By Nottheprettylady - 05/04/2009 01:07 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a man and his 3-year old son got in line. The father said, "Give this to the pretty lady," looking at me. The kid looks at me, looks at his dad, and walks over to the next cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 801

You deserved it 3 798

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00 - United States - Shingle Springs

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 78

By monkeywrench - 01/05/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I got some spam stating that I'd have no love life in the coming 10 years if I didn't reply to it. So, no different to the last 10 years then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 410

You deserved it 2 875

By Anonymous - 17/06/2009 04:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 831

You deserved it 4 676

By apple - 28/02/2010 18:57 - United States

Today, I had to clean out my room because I was having a sleepover. Only, I've not been in here for months since I've spent every night in my mom's room because I'm too scared to sleep alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 049

You deserved it 32 104

By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 16:54 - Canada - Delta

Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 641

You deserved it 2 949

By Anonymous - 15/05/2011 04:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 565

You deserved it 26 701

By Hair Fail - 22/10/2011 15:32 - United States

Today, I decided I wanted to dye my hair a medium brown. Little did I know, some jerk switched the hair dye boxes. My hair is now bright orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 077

You deserved it 6 649

By HillaryAngelic - 22/07/2013 07:09 - United States - Flint

Today, after a church service, a man approached me as I was walking to my car. He had tears in his eyes and politely asked if I would pray with him. He asked if we could hold hands. As I reached out to hold his hands, the bitch snatched my purse and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 440

You deserved it 8 796

By elovan - 25/07/2015 08:33 - United States - Des Moines

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 904

You deserved it 21 035

Great deal

By Depressed - 04/08/2011 11:45 - Sudan

Today, I arrived in Africa to start my new job. I agreed to come to a city with little to no electricity, and poor water for triple the money I was making in Canada. I just realized my boss and I negotiated in two completely different currencies, and I'm now making half of what I used to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 366

You deserved it 41 250

Acceptance

By Anonymous - 08/06/2020 05:04

Today, I can't look my roommate in the eye because he walked in on me showing my drag friends my new dress on Discord last night. My roommate is really conservative. We used to get along so well too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 480

You deserved it 388

By Nicks - 03/07/2013 15:10 - United States - Las Vegas

Spicy

Today, my mother-in-lawyer threatened to sue me unless I took my professional wedding photographs off Facebook as she did not like that they made her look fat. She is over 300 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 218

You deserved it 4 791

By Anonymous - 17/11/2011 14:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 569

You deserved it 6 061

By ihatemylife - 23/10/2009 15:54 - United States

Today, I had to remind my roommates of the importance of wearing clothing at all times in the common living area. My roommates are my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 247

You deserved it 6 044

By acapelladisaster - 13/03/2015 00:39 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, in my online class I accidentally unmuted my mic. Normally that would be fine except today I decided to serenade myself with a silly song. I didn't realize until everyone started clapping at the end of the song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 790

You deserved it 7 129

Basic Instinct

By too proud to beg - 23/09/2020 02:02

Spicy

Today, I told my husband that it makes me feel unattractive and undesirable that I’m the only one to ever initiate intimacy. Not just sex, but also basic affection like hugging and kissing. His response? "Oh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 125

You deserved it 220

By upset - 25/10/2016 00:08

Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 177

You deserved it 892

By Anonymous - 19/11/2009 09:03 - Australia

Today, I found out that if you lose contact with people in your previous school, they decide to spread rumors about you and make everyone believe that you're dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 010

You deserved it 3 473

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Friday 7 December 2012 8:43

You've got yourself one hell of a creeper. FYL.

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Friday 7 December 2012 8:43

Have a can of pepper spray on standby for self-defence!!

Comments

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Friday 7 December 2012 8:43

Have a can of pepper spray on standby for self-defence!!

winkydog4056 16

Friday 7 December 2012 16:03

#2_defense, #

winkydog4056 16

Friday 7 December 2012 16:06

#2_* defense, #17_* cocaine, #20_* bananas, #19_* peeling & #25_* aloe.

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Friday 7 December 2012 16:45

*defense

Jiplo 18

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Monday 10 December 2012 5:55

Agreed! Only thing is I can't tell if this is epic trolling or major WTF situation.

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Friday 7 December 2012 8:43

You've got yourself one hell of a creeper. FYL.

sens3sfailing 24

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Friday 7 December 2012 9:00

All I could think of when I read this was "Cocain is one hell of a drug"

andiewithlove 21

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Friday 7 December 2012 17:58

If she was a creeper all you would've heard was "kssssssssSSSSSSSSSSS...BOOM!"

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Friday 7 December 2012 8:43

That's just a bit disturbing...

dayzz1 10

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Friday 7 December 2012 8:43

It makes a sound ?? .... But still, ouch!

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Friday 7 December 2012 9:18

Kind of like the sound of cling wrap but softer. ... I think I want to gag now.

dayzz1 10

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Friday 7 December 2012 11:10

Oh wow :/ yep I'm with you on that one *gag*

sirpantselot 22

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Friday 7 December 2012 8:44

You must closely resemble a banana.

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Friday 7 December 2012 9:04

But banana's don't make a "sound".

Teyros 24

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Friday 7 December 2012 11:01

You're right. She doesn't make a sound. She types out on FML about how weird that is.

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Friday 7 December 2012 8:46

I'm curious what kind of sunburn puns people could come up with...

PinkKawaiiChic 10

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Friday 7 December 2012 19:26

Here's a bad sunburn pun: It's time to peel out of there.

sirpantselot 22

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Saturday 8 December 2012 0:17

I haven't red any good ones. How sunsmart can UV?

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Friday 7 December 2012 8:46

This reminds me of Micky Rooney off of a family guy episode that likes to rip off people's scabs.

PrincessLiLi_fml 7

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Friday 7 December 2012 20:30

I feel that it's probably much less hilarious in real life...

zango1 15

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Friday 7 December 2012 8:46

I'd definitely have to go with someone wanting to peel someone else's.

LosAngelesSon 8

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Friday 7 December 2012 8:47

How about simply saying, "No." Think that'll work? Deny her the opportunity, she must stop asking.

KM96 24

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Friday 7 December 2012 9:12

No, because she "won't take no for an answer" - so it probably will not.

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Friday 7 December 2012 20:48

How about simply brushing-up on your reading skills? :P

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Friday 7 December 2012 8:49

I haven't punched a girl in the face but... I still wouldn't. Tell her for every peel, you get to fondle her boobs ... And that you won't take No for an answer!

sens3sfailing 24

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Friday 7 December 2012 9:38

What if she's into it an what if OP isn't a lesbian? Then she just boned herself HARD!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 15

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 092

You deserved it 144