Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend doggy-style and noticed a piece of toilet paper had been "left behind". I had such a bad internal conflict about whether to tell her or to remove it myself, I went limp. She started crying and accused me of not being attracted to her anymore. FML
Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to let me play porn while we were getting busy. The girl in the video said, "You don't need a condom, you can just pull out." I noticed she had a caesarean scar and burst out laughing. My girlfriend stormed out before I could explain. FML
Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML
Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she started fake-moaning like a pornstar before I even entered her, totally killing the mood and my boner. She swore she hadn't moaned, accused me of not finding her attractive enough, and angrily left. FML
Today, while going down on my girlfriend, she stopped moaning and told me to stop because she couldn't fake it anymore. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML
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Top comments
LibertyLife20 20
Or tell her she has broccoli in her teeth
cutycat136 28
If you had have told her, she probably would have thought nothing of it, fixed the problem, and you could have had a real ****** instead of faking it
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Comments (84)
hun3y206 23
You're an idiot.
pny413 2
Or you could do it doggy. Problem solved, feelings saved.
greengreengreen 13
maybe tell her then? communication is key
BlackPanther19 11
This is the first story I have ever heard of a male faking an ******
schalk 12
You can spit out pubic hair but not a piece of broccoli?
kishmobile444 16
Never fake it! Good grief! Just tell her there is something in her teeth, let her her it out, then continue or start over! Don't let that ruin the moment completely!
GamerG0DDESS 29
You could have also removed it for her or flipped her over to do doggy.
Logical07 16
I read weakness all over; faking and lying instead of telling her, going soft for a piece of broccoli... FYL
Derp_Jerpinson 2
ive been told growing up that broccoli's supposed to make you big and strong...however, after reading this story, i am inclined to think otherwise
gohaz933 9
Your a nice person op