Intimacy: Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally called out "Mom" instead of her name. FML

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Messed up

Triage

What a headache

By Ouch - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I tried to beat my dad to the car. I jumped over the steel cables in the parking structure and hit my head on a metal pipe, then bounced off the wires, and onto my back on the pavement. Good thing we were already at the hospital to visit my sick mother. FML

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By dogshavenipples - United Kingdom

Today, I got a huge bill through the post. It turns out that my elderly mother made the vet come out to my house to see the dog while I was out, because she was scared of the little growths she had found on his body. They were nipples. FML

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By Bryce - 10/5/2020 02:00

Very fishy

Today, my dad and I went fishing. We both got a bite, but when we went to reel it in, both our hooks were in the catfish's mouth. He pushed me in the mud and took my hook out its mouth so he could say he caught it. FML

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By ugh - United States - Port Chester

Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

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By DeepFriedLettuce - United States - Vashon

Today, I had to explain to my seventeen year-old daughter that deep frying food doesn't "melt the calories." FML

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By CalyenaL - Mexico - Tijuana

Today, I'm found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I spoke at length about how we were going to handle things, which included him "forbidding" me from having an epidural, because he doesn't want our baby to "come out addicted to drugs." FML

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By pi_power_15 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, my football practice ended early due to severe weather. Not only had I misplaced my phone earlier in the day, both my parents thought the other had picked me up. I was in the rain for an hour and a half. FML

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By xmeatballx21 - United States

Today, I received a phone call from my old boss asking me why I wasn't at work, to which I responded, "Because you fired me yesterday". He didn't say anything, and hung up. FML

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By bootyislife - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

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By Redhead

Today, I decided to get in the cowgirl position since it's my fiancé's favorite. I got a little carried away during the "ride" and suddenly heard his dick crack. I fractured his penis. He's never going to have sex with me again. FML

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By Chesty Larue - United States

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

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By swallowsafly

Today, Facebook sent me a new friend suggestion. I opened it only to see that the person suggested was the home wrecker that broke up my marriage 4 years ago. Her cover picture is her and my ex together, along with a group of people that I used to be friends with. FML

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By hated - United States

Today, I realized that my dad is more comfortable talking to the dog than sitting in the same room as me. FML

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By rebeccacaissie - United States

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, as I left the supermarket, I found someone had hit my car in the parking lot. There was a note tucked under the wipers. Insurance details? Nope. It just said "Sorry dude. I fucked up. Good luck with the car." Great. FML

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By Shelbs - United States

Today, I went to get the vaccination my college requires of all students. The nurse looked at my charts and told me there was good and bad news. The good news was that I didn't need the shot. The bad news was I needed four others. Now, both of my arms are swollen enough to make Popeye proud. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I noticed that my sweat smelled like cat food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a train when we hit and killed a person. We were stalled for 4 hours. The guy sitting next to me asked what I did for a living, so I told him that I'm a vet tech. Then he showed me his infected elbow. FML

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By Jessi - United States

Today, I found out that my husband was trying to cheat on me while I was away at basic training. I signed up for the service to pay off his debt. FML

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By Monty - United States

Today, I was baking cookies. When I took the tray out of the oven I closed the door, but it bounced back open and hit me in the back of the knees. That caused me to sit down on the hot oven door. I was just wearing my short bathrobe and no underwear. I really burned my ass and um...stuff. FML

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By Awkward - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I had to google the definition of transsexual just to know what the hell my friends were talking about. I need to read a book. FML

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By of course

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. needing a drink. Not only did my cat wake everyone up when I tripped over him, but I also spilled a whole gallon of milk on myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Oh no.

Today, while cleaning out my daughter's closet, I found my missing dildo. It's a mold of my husband's penis. FML

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By LC - United States

Today, I invited this guy I fooled around with over to "hang out". He's "en route", so I start to make my bed only to find my cat thought this was the best time to tell me she's sick by throwing up in my bed. I only have one set of linen. FML

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By arachnidphobia - United States

Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got called for a job interview. I didn't catch where it was, and in my excitement I forgot to ask. I now have no idea where I'm being interviewed. FML

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By DarrenP - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I got a burn on my foot from a Pot Noodle I didn't even want. FML

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By sucks - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

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By nkotz - United States

Today, I felt like going to the gym. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come with me. She screamed at me for supposedly implying that she's fat. No, I just wanted to go to the gym with someone. FML

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By WoWWidow - United States

Today, my husband went in for surgery and handed me an important document. It wasn't a will or anything similar, but a list of items and gold he wanted passed on to guild members on World of Warcraft. FML

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By fuuuuck - United States

Today, I had a big presentation to do at work, so I got up early and ran myself a bath. I woke up three hours later, extremely late, and still in the bath. FML

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By Annonymous

Today, my neighbors put up their Christmas lights. They blink red and green on and off. Ever since they put them up, my dog hasn't stopped barking. It's 2:00AM. FML

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By Kitten

Everyone's a Critic

Today, I was playing some children's music while I cooked so my two-year-old was entertained a little. I started dancing while cooking and she looked at me with a straight face and said, "Mama... Don't dance." FML

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By byegeorge - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, my dog was run over. The man who ran over my dog was taking his own dog to the emergency vet. As the man awkwardly tried to apologise to me, he said, "Think of the irony". FML

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By SmokedSalmon - United States

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

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By IPityTheStool - United Kingdom

Today, I used the staff toilets at school. As I sat down, I heard a sudden plop, followed by the stench of diarrhoea from the next cubicle. It was followed by a "I do apologise!" It was my English teacher. And we continued to chat. FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, I went to school without makeup. No one recognized me. FML

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By alwaysxgettingxshitxon - United States

Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I've been freezing in my office for days at work. When I finally complained about it to a coworker, she led me into my office, said, "Let me show you something," then pointed out the thermostat I'd never noticed was even there and turned it up with a pitying look. FML

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By Fire sucks. - United States

Today, there was a forest fire in my town. I was still forced to go to school, as it was safer. A lot of people decided not to go, and we ended up doing nothing but watching the news reports. There, I got to see my house burning on live TV. FML

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Top comments

By viral_fml | 0

#597416 - Thursday 1 October 2009 12:51

You're fucked up buddy.

By danielbudzynski | 0

#597445 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:03

well if you think about it, everyone's been through thier moms vagina, except you did it twice, congrats you sick bastard

COMMENTS

By ChrisLF82 | 0

#597412 - Thursday 1 October 2009 12:49

WTF???

Reply

ruby29 | 0

#1076452 - Saturday 10 July 2010 5:30

I'm guessing you think your moms hot that's fucked up.

Reply

tulsafml | 0

#2096119 - Friday 18 February 2011 14:44

that's fucked up

Reply

Slender_Man | 6

#4693491 - Monday 16 July 2012 5:51

First to comment, last to get laid

By viral_fml | 0

#597416 - Thursday 1 October 2009 12:51

You're fucked up buddy.

Reply

Deeno15 | 0

#598138 - Thursday 1 October 2009 22:00

he is fucked up yes, but what is her name? lol i think we'd all like to know, cause if it is like martha, then it is sorta ok, still not ok, if it is like christine, then you have a problem and want to fuck your mom!!! haha

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#973905 - Sunday 4 April 2010 8:20

yes definitely. if I was your mom I would lock my door at night

Reply

dakins | 0

#3658741 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 16:14

Exactly what I was gonna say

By Redrosesandrain | 0

#597433 - Thursday 1 October 2009 12:59

Freudian slip? do you secretly want to do your mom or something?

Reply

Dimps94 | 9

#6258808 - Friday 10 April 2015 23:56

Yup

By danielbudzynski | 0

#597445 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:03

well if you think about it, everyone's been through thier moms vagina, except you did it twice, congrats you sick bastard

Reply

xxxInsanexxx | 9

#3144622 - Saturday 20 August 2011 7:00

I've never been through my mom's, since I was a C-section. :)

Reply

aliciamartinez15 | 11

#4966262 - Monday 24 September 2012 8:37

The sperm?

Reply

xXCherrryBombXx | 6

#5349310 - Friday 1 February 2013 4:59

LOL your picture is fucking hilarious

By popy_fml | 0

#597447 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:06

Wow thats disgusting man

By FlaminYawn | 0

#597451 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:09

First time I've actually seen it say "No one agrees"...

By Brittface | 6

#597466 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:20

Haha that's creepy. FYL

Reply

caester9 | 0

#1598389 - Monday 25 October 2010 4:30

Haha you're fat

By lonewolf999 | 1

#597492 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:43

Wtf? That sounds weird and creepy.

By jw90 | 18

#597497 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:47

haha! we can see u like to keep it in the family!

By thesicmrcastle | 0

#597503 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:53

incest is wrong and should be illegal i hope for your sake its not suppressed memories