Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally... - FML

By Anonymous - 1/10/2009 05:56 - Canada

Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally called out "Mom" instead of her name. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Fear factor

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By Anonymous - 24/5/2011 03:19 - Canada

Today, my boss contacted me to come in for a quick meeting. I drove 30 minutes to get to work only to find out she was firing me and wanted my key card back. FML

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By mcmanager - 11/8/2014 14:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees "trying to pick the bugs out" of our cookies. They were the raisins in them. FML

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By BigMouth McRedface - 14/5/2010 02:11 - United States

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My cell phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

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By elmangy - 11/8/2009 16:58 - United States

Today, I went ice skating for my friend's birthday. We had to vacate the skating rink so that they could smooth out the rink for the next session. I don't know how to skate and my friends left me. Not only was I the last one out of the rink, but I had to crawl my way out with everyone laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was complaining of a scorpion sting on his leg. I told him to stop whining and get over it. Later, as I went to sleep, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. As I flipped on the light, I saw a scorpion crawling over the blankets. Now my entire arm is numb and I can't stop crying. FML

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By monochromatic - 20/2/2010 03:13 - United States

Today, I found out that the 20% pay cut that the "management team" took at my job really only applied to... me. I also found out that my closest friend at work has been lying to me about it, and telling my boss everything I say. His pay was never cut. I guess it pays to be the boss's snitch. FML

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By fifthtimesacharm - 26/4/2011 15:03

Today, it's hot and sunny, and a customer asked me how I was, I responded by saying "It's a hot sunny day. Who doesn't love the sun?" He responded by telling me he had just had three melanomas cut out. I guess I did find someone who doesn't like the sun. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 13:30

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 11:12 - Australia - Hobart

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by getting his mum to message me on Facebook. I got the message while I was packing for an overseas trip to visit him. FML

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By fmlalways - 22/1/2011 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML

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By me - 14/1/2012 01:38 - United States

Today, I met my son for the first time since I had to put him up for adoption over two decades ago. I wanted to make amends and get to know him. Instead, all I got to know was how well he can throw a punch. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2013 02:15 - Australia - Picton

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-fighting. I managed to pin him down and win. He saw my grin, snorted, and bitterly said I'd only won because "let's face it, you're a bit of a porker, eh babe?" FML

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By Joseflloyd - 12/5/2016 04:52 - United States - Carbondale

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask a girl at my school for her number. As I was typing it into my phone, she pointed out the giant booger firmly attached to my sleeve. FML

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By poop - 28/2/2012 07:10 - United States

Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML

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By CrackHouseBaby - 16/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

This Is Us

Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

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By Fatty - 6/5/2009 15:04 - United States

Today, I was excited about my friend going wedding dress shopping. Before I went to go work out, I decided to try on a prom dress from high school to remember what it felt like to get dressed up. It was too tight, I broke the zipper, and spent 45 minutes trapped before I cut myself out. FML

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By lessinterestingthanadog - 8/11/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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By what people do for money - 18/7/2014 16:45 - United States - Houston

Today, I was helping out at my church. At lunchtime, a really cute guy my age walked over and told me I was pretty. I was flattered, until I turned around and saw his annoyed buddies handing him several dollar bills. FML

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By Drunken Sailor - 27/6/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out my new Commanding Officer is my ex-wife's new boyfriend. We're going on a two year tour at sea in two weeks. The reason we got a divorce is that she couldn't handle being tied down with someone in the Navy. FML

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By lovecrisis247 - 19/12/2010 07:46 - United States

Today, my parents finally invited my boyfriend over for dinner. Everything was going great until my mother asked him his profession. He stuffed his mouth full of lasagna, snorted, and then responded, "I clean shit for a living." FML

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By - 4/1/2020 18:00

The best method!

Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

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By Steven, Customer Service - 17/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Dover Plains

"Where are the white women at?"

Today, I took a call from a man who said his dating apps are connecting him with "black and oriental women" when he only wants white women. I spent 47 minutes on the phone with this customer trying to explain that I am only an AT&T Service Rep and have no control over any dating apps. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 23:31 - United States - Annandale

Today, I saw the girl that I've had a crush on forever riding her horse on the side of the road. She waved, and without thinking, I honked my horn in response. Her horse bucked her off. FML

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By I'm a pussy, yeah yeah - 5/9/2015 05:56 - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my psycho cat stood on my toilet seat and challenged me to a stand-off. After 10 minutes, I couldn't hold it in any more and asked to use my neighbor's bathroom instead. I told him my toilet was broken. FML

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By bob - 11/8/2011 12:56 - United States

Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML

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By immaturity all around - 31/3/2013 17:55 - United States

Today, I came home in tears over finding out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. I told my seemingly sympathetic dad everything. His advice was to lure them both to our house with the promise of a three-way, after which he'd "kill the shit" out of them. Real mature, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2017 08:00 - Australia - Camberwell

Today, the framed memorabilia that I spent $195 on last week came crashing to the floor. It was on my wall for less than 2 hours. The picture is torn and the glass is shattered, but at least the frame is alright. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 12:00

The Crying Game

Today, I noticed that my weekend hobby is crying. I live in a city where I don't have a single friend or relative. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, as I was picking up my 7 year old daughter at my ex husband's house my daughter started crying saying that she wanted to stay with daddy forever. I asked why. She said her stepmom was a better mommy. Apparently the woman who broke up my marriage is now a better "mommy". FML

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By wtf - 19/10/2016 12:09 - United States - Oxford

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I ordered a printer so I could print schoolwork, that way I don't have to sit on campus so long to print it all out. It just got delivered in Arizona today. I live in New York. FML

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By howtobesingle - 7/4/2016 02:45 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I listened to my best friend complain, again, about the two guys she's seeing, and how she doesn't know which one to choose, because they're both perfect. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning up my dog's loose stools, haven't had a date in over three years and I'm also sharing a room with the very same best friend. FML

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By father-in-nope - 21/7/2015 15:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's dad helped me put coolant in my car. When I said I wished I could do something in return, he told me to get an abortion so I wouldn't "ruin" his son's life. When I told my boyfriend, he didn't believe me. FML

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By whymyliferose - 3/6/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, my boss's cat died. I'm expected to attend the service. FML

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By Stellarum - 18/8/2014 15:13 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

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By dimtsis - 29/7/2010 01:24 - Australia

Today, I had to go to counselling as my mother thinks I have an eating disorder. All because I didn't want to eat the crap supermarket lasagna she bought for $2. FML

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By TooInnocent - 7/7/2016 17:44 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was told that I was no longer being considered for the Prison Officer job I have been interviewed for, because a social media check showed I had liked a picture of drugs, so my character is inappropriate. I thought it was a picture of candy. I've never even tried weed. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 23:59 - United States - Eugene

Today, I knocked an old-school slide carousel off my desk, scattering nearly 100 individual slides everywhere, including the specific slides my professor asked me to digitally scan, which were placed carefully on top. None of them are numbered. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2016 09:02 - United States - Allen

Today, I got screamed and honked at by a driver who felt I was in the way of his turn. I was on foot, and on the sidewalk. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 14:00

Today, it's my 21st birthday. The only person who drank with me was my elementary school principal, who I happened to run into at a bar where we were the only two people there. FML

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By ShiddyDiddy - 26/6/2019 04:39

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

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Top comments

By viral_fml | 0

#597416 - Thursday 1 October 2009 12:51

You're fucked up buddy.

By danielbudzynski | 0

#597445 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:03

well if you think about it, everyone's been through thier moms vagina, except you did it twice, congrats you sick bastard

Comments

By ChrisLF82 | 0

#597412 - Thursday 1 October 2009 12:49

WTF???

Reply

ruby29 | 0

#1076452 - Saturday 10 July 2010 5:30

I'm guessing you think your moms hot that's fucked up.

Reply

tulsafml | 0

#2096119 - Friday 18 February 2011 14:44

that's fucked up

Reply

Slender_Man | 6

#4693491 - Monday 16 July 2012 5:51

First to comment, last to get laid

By viral_fml | 0

#597416 - Thursday 1 October 2009 12:51

You're fucked up buddy.

Reply

Deeno15 | 0

#598138 - Thursday 1 October 2009 22:00

he is fucked up yes, but what is her name? lol i think we'd all like to know, cause if it is like martha, then it is sorta ok, still not ok, if it is like christine, then you have a problem and want to fuck your mom!!! haha

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#973905 - Sunday 4 April 2010 8:20

yes definitely. if I was your mom I would lock my door at night

Reply

dakins | 0

#3658741 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 16:14

Exactly what I was gonna say

By Redrosesandrain | 0

#597433 - Thursday 1 October 2009 12:59

Freudian slip? do you secretly want to do your mom or something?

Reply

Dimps94 | 9

#6258808 - Friday 10 April 2015 23:56

Yup

By danielbudzynski | 0

#597445 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:03

well if you think about it, everyone's been through thier moms vagina, except you did it twice, congrats you sick bastard

Reply

xxxInsanexxx | 9

#3144622 - Saturday 20 August 2011 7:00

I've never been through my mom's, since I was a C-section. :)

Reply

aliciamartinez15 | 11

#4966262 - Monday 24 September 2012 8:37

The sperm?

Reply

xXCherrryBombXx | 6

#5349310 - Friday 1 February 2013 4:59

LOL your picture is fucking hilarious

By popy_fml | 0

#597447 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:06

Wow thats disgusting man

By FlaminYawn | 0

#597451 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:09

First time I've actually seen it say "No one agrees"...

By Brittface | 6

#597466 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:20

Haha that's creepy. FYL

Reply

caester9 | 0

#1598389 - Monday 25 October 2010 4:30

Haha you're fat

By lonewolf999 | 1

#597492 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:43

Wtf? That sounds weird and creepy.

By jw90 | 18

#597497 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:47

haha! we can see u like to keep it in the family!

By thesicmrcastle | 0

#597503 - Thursday 1 October 2009 13:53

incest is wrong and should be illegal i hope for your sake its not suppressed memories